Customer Reviews

Escape from Intimacy: The Pseudo-Relationship Addictions : Untangling the "Love" Additions : Sex, Romance, Relationships

5 star:		(7)
4 star:		(5)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

reading this short book has changed my life. i found myself detailed in practically every page. having experienced several failed relationships and a generally "unlucky in love" sort of life, i recognized myself in these profiles of sex, romance, and relationship addicts who form "pseudo relationships" that are designed to keep the addict from knowing her true self. Schaef, a recovered "pseudo relationship" addict, details all the tricks of this disease, which is a progressive and fatal addiction like all other addictions (drugs, alcohol).

if you think this statement sounds like malarky, read Schaef's book to see how true it is! Addiction serves to alter a person's mood or perception. This can be accomplished without drugs or alcohol. Relationship addiction is a "process addiction," whereby the addict spends his or her time focusing on an external stimulus (the relationship) instead of taking care of their Self! Most useful is Schaef's list of behaviors exhibit by sex, romance, or relationship addicts. I found myself in nearly every one!

This constellation of addictions is tricky to detect because the very skills to support the addiction "appear" to be relationship skills AS TAUGHT on tv, movies, in the general folklore of our culture. Which, as Schaef explains, is an addictive society, so it reinforces our addictive behaviors. These process addictions are VERY common, and at the heart of other conditions such as depression, anxiety, etc.

DO NOT BE FOOLED...cynics may read this review and find what I've written here to be self-help/new-age gibberish. Schaef's book is very short (158 pp.), extrememly readable, totally lucid, and very clearly organized, with information that builds on itself in an expert, lockstep manner.

I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone who suffers in relationships. If you have failed relationship after failed relationship, or are in an abusive situation, or feel compelled to lie/cheat/distort the truth to maintain a relationship, or have any other self-realized behavior that you know is unhealthy but don't know what is "wrong," PLEASE READ THIS BOOK.

I believe this book will have a life-changing affect on anyone who reads it and relates to the information within. After all, the disease of addictive relationships is a disease of relating: we are not relating to people, but to our fantasies of what "relationships" SHOULD be.

The book was very eye opening. Where I had previously labeled my self as 'Co-dependent' I can now see where it is truly another addition of MINE in my life. I had felt almost a superiority in wearing the 'Co-dependent' hat, and can see after reading this book how it is a mask that was hiding my own addiction. Now I have to do the work.

It was easy to read and very realistic - the examples were very helpful for me to see my own patterns in creating relationships. My favorite section began on page 103 " The following are some of the skills used to form pseudo- (addictive) relationships."... I am an expert at 9 out of 10 of the skills and previously thought that I was just a nice person, good friend, etc...

Great book.

Highly recommended for anyone, ESPECIALLY MEN, wishing to learn about the realities of how we mis-apply sex, love, and relationships in our lives while trying to find that elusive realationship [sic; think about this spelling] we all yearn for. Anne's understanding and ability to easily explain what is happening makes this a book for everyone.

THIS BOOK BROUGHT ME TO MY KNEES! IT TOLD ME MY DISEASE HAD A NAME AND I WAS NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD SUFFERING FROM: ROMANCE ADDICTION!

A MUST READ FOR ROMANCE ADDICTS AND RELATIONSHIP ADDICTS...THERE IS HOPE FOR US.

Schaeff's clarity helps you to distinguish the possible from the impossible with several sub-types of obsessive behavoir which masquerades as 'love' - yet it is a short book which can be read in an afternoon.

This book marks significant breakthrough in the research and treatment of distortions and addictions related to sex, romance, fantasy, relationships, and culture. Schaef offers clear structures for identifying relational dysfunction, patterns, and the addictive cycle - from "anorexic" behavior to a variety of forms of acting-out. Written in frank, laymen's terms, this is a must-read for anyone in the helping profession, in recovery, or seeking to address questions about intimacy. The author does not just present much-needed distinctions between relationship and pseudo-relationship, but she offers keys for real intimacy in the battle against addictive cycles. This is now required reading for my clients and recovery groups.

This is an excellent book. Well written, concise, and powerful. There are a lot of people who have some kind of "love" addiction, and realizing what it is gives you a lot of power to begin changing old patters that lead to unhappy and unfulfilling interactions with people. During and after reading it, I had some profound realizations and healing. I don't recommend many books, but I recommend this one. And I recommend even fewer universally, but this would be one. Is helping me have deeper, more intimate relationships.

This and her later =When Society Becomes an Addict= were Big News to the addiction recovery field in the late '80s. Many of us in practice at that time believed that Khantzian's theory of "medicative addiction" was on the money, and some of us engaged in developing an "addiction pantheon" (e.g.: alcohol, drug, gambling, sex, romance, cause, exercise, work, shopping, etc.; later reduced to "substance" and "activity").

Bozarth gave us the neurobiological perspective at about the same time, and by the late '90s, people like Shaffer and others were developing the "syndrome model of addiction" that's little more complex than "everything leads to dopamine."

The budding addictions specialist who wants to know what it's all about will need to read all this material -- including Schaef's -- to understand =clearly= that addiction is addiction is addiction, regardless of the specific sensory channels and/or rituals.

Schaef's also correct in asserting that our society is becoming "increasingly addictive." I'm inclined to blame those who profit the most from making people anxious and uncomfortable in one way or another (e.g.: TV news, hyper-realistic action-adventure films, over-stimulating video games) and then offering "pseudo-anxiolytics" ranging from overpriced atypical antipsychotics like Seroquel and Abilify (obvious) to elective cosmetic surgery and crash diets (slightly less obvious) to romance-promising cruises in the Caribbean (way less obvious, but just as distracting).

What does the suddenly self-and-society-aware activity addict =do= once she's figured out she's been working two jobs to get herself high on acai berry juice and riding 200 miles a week on her 24-oz, $4,000.00, Tour de France bicycle? 1) Sit still and feel your feelings (the "drop drill" mindfulness meditation technique will work). 2) Identify, question and revise (or reject) the core beliefs, values, idea(l)s, assumptions, convictions and attitudes one has picked up from every external source immaginable. One can use CBT, REBT or SIQR for the latter. RG, Psy.D.

This book was helpful to me, although I felt the author was still working out her issues of control in her writing. The author spoke extensively about the 12 step program and how invaluable it was to recovery, but it seems that she is still stuck around two or three. Relinquishing self-will is vital to emotional development. Not only did the author try to suggest that polygamy was a much more acceptable and reasonable concept for relationships in the coming future, she refused to acknowledge God in her recitation of the twelve steps but instead chose to refer to him as a Process. Of course as an author she is entitled to write as she desires, but based on the topic on which she chose to write I was surprised at her single-minded desire to impose her views upon the reader, rather than offering the advice along with other alternatives and allowing the reader to decide

Most sex addiction recovery books address the way men act out. This book is particularly geared to women and those with more subtle love addictions. Fast read (especially if you see yourself), to the point, and it doesn't pull any punches.