Building Your Guest List
What Will People Think?
This concern haunts many a couple who, together, agree fully that they need and want a prenuptial agreement to protect their assets in the future. They have no problem with it. But their families most certainly might. Here are some helpful etiquette tips for this situation:
0 Stay quiet about it. No one needs to know your personal business, and this is one issue that you should consider sacred between the two of you.
0 If someone asks you about whether or not you're getting a prenup, you can be vague. "We're talking about it," followed by a natural change of subject gently and politely lets the inquiring mind know that it's none of his business.
0 Think for yourself. Problems arise when partners approach everyone they know for their opinion, to vent about the process, or to ask for legal advice. You've then invited everyone else's baggage, fears, and egos to interfere with your thought process. It's bad etiquette to advertise private matters within your partnership, as you'd be disrespecting your partner's privacy as well, and now is an early lesson on that. Discretion always.
0 If family and friends hear about your prenuptial agreement and approach you with hideous etiquette of their own ("What were you thinking, man?"), don't take the bait. You don't have to explain anything, and you won't indulge their need for drama and gossip (which is what's behind most ambushes launched by very bored people). Simply say, "We're both happy with what we've decided, thanks. Now we're on to other things." You're calm and cool about it, you thank them for their "thoughtfulness," and you smoothly divert the subject.
Keep It Quiet
Ask parents, politely, to stay quiet about their guest wish list until you can devise a final guest list for the wedding: "I think it's best if we don't share any details about the guest list until we have a final master list. I wouldn't want to create any misunderstandings." You're talking about a major etiquette breach-overeager parents inform everyone on their wish list that they are invited to the wedding before the master guest list is created. Unintentionally or intentionally, they've created a huge etiquette problem. The bride and groom would not have chosen Mom's Bunco partners for the wedding guest list, but they have now been invited. You cannot uninvite people who would realistically expect to be invited. And a direct invitation from the mother of the bride constitutes just that. Yikes. So avoid this etiquette nightmare by asking your entire team to be discreet about the guest list for right now, and you will do the same. The Deed Is Done
0 After you complete your prenuptial agreement, after all is signed and sealed, put it away and let it fade from your thoughts. Get on with your life together.
0 Never, ever, ever bring up the topic of the prenup as ammunition in an argument. ("Oh yeah? Well at least I trusted you enough not to think about drawing up a prenup!") A hot temper and a careless comment can erode the start of a marriage. Words do last between partners, so never use a prenup as a way to cut off your partner at the knees.
Since the size of your guest list determines the kind of wedding you'll have, where you'll have it, and just about every other detail beyond the basics (how many invitations you'll need, your menu, and so on), and since working together with your parents presents etiquette issues to be handled well, let's start off by defining your wished-for size of wedding so that you can inform parents about parameters:
0 Small: Under 50 guests
0 Medium: 50 to 100 guests
0 Average: 100 to 150 guests (Note: the average guest list size in the country right now is 141 guests)
0 Large: 150 to 200 guests
0 Extra-Large: 200+ guests
Three Lists
As you begin the selection of your invited guests, you'll invite your parents to submit their guest wish lists. Use the term "wish list," since you will ultimately decide who makes the final cut. Yes, parents who are paying for all or part of the wedding might think otherwise, but it's ultimately your choice of who you want to share your day with. Parents should of course be given the chance to invite some of their closest friends, but as a matter of honor to you, they should never be invited in place of your friends.
The bride and groom will have one list of your relatives and friends; the bride's parents will compile their list; the groom's parents will compile their list. If you have more than two sets of parents, such as remarried parents, they get a list too.
Remind your parents at the start that you wish to share your wedding day only with the people you're closest to. Make it clear that you expect your guest list to be "worked on" by asking parents to star or underline the people on their list who are absolute must have's. And you'll do the same with your list. When parents perceive fairness all the way around, many etiquette problems are avoided.
Parents' Guest List Etiquette
0 Invite only those friends and family that the bride and groom know.
0 Don't shift your IOU's onto your son or daughter. Just because your friends invited you to their daughter's wedding does not automatically mean that you have to invite them to your children's wedding.
0 Remember that it's the bride and groom's wedding, and keep it foremost in your mind that you've had your wedding day with your favorite people. Now it's their turn.
0 Be a dream partner. Volunteer to cut several of your distant friends so that the bride and groom can add some of their closest friends.
0 Deliver your list to the bride and groom on time, if not early.
0 Help the bride and groom to create a complete guest list, reminding them of first cousins they"Mom, Is Cousin Lena Single Again?"
Parents are an invaluable resource when it comes to offering an "And Guest" to the right people. For instance, it would be horrifically rude of you to send an invitation to your Cousin Lena and Guest when Cousin Lena is engaged to Tom. That's a huge show of ignorance and implied disrespect to Tom. Your parents can check over your "And Guest" list and update you about family and friends' marital status.
may have forgotten and thus saving them from etiquette snafus in their invitation process.
0 When you compile lists, cross the duplicate names off of your printed list, not theirs.
0 Voluntarily star or underline names that can be added to the backup list. If the bride and groom receive regrets from expected guests, they can look to their backup list to send out invitations to others they'd like to have at the wedding (but could not include on the master list).
Compiling Your Master List
Using everyone's wish list, you'll compile one master list in an organized fashion.
"And Guest" Additions
0 Every single guest over the age of eighteen (in some families, the rule is "over sixteen") is given an "And Guest" indication that he or she may invite a date to the wedding.
0 It is improper not to allow an "And Guest" to single adults as a way to save money or open up spaces to additional guests.
0 Included in the singles list are elderly guests, who should be allowed to bring a date, friend, or assistant.
0 If a single guest responds that she's bringing a fun friend of hers instead of a date (as you'd intended), you cannot tell her that she only gets an "And Guest" if she brings an actual date. ?You don't get to choose who your guests bring as a companion for the event.
0 The officiant must be invited to the reception, sParents Say...
"But you were their flower girl twenty years ago! We have to invite them!"
"But my friends are likely to give you much better gifts than your friends! We have to invite them!"
"But my friends are so much fun! We have to invite them!"
You Reply...
"I don't know them at all. I understand how you feel about this, but I'd rather invite friends and family that I'm close with. That couple will understand."
(Be careful not to let your jaw hit the floor. Parents who claim this one have lost sight of the true meaning of the day. Be understanding.)
"It's not the gifts that matter to us. It's having our closest friends there with us on the wedding day."
"I know your friends are fun, and it's great that you all have such a good time together. But I just don't have room on the guest list for any people who aren't very close to the two of us." Parents Say...
"But they're FAMILY! We have to invite them!"
You Reply...
"I wish we could invite all the cousins, all fifty of them. But it's just not possible. We're not close with them. You had to tell me some of their names, after all." (Give a smile here.) "So I'm sorry, but we'll have to put them on the backup list." along with his or her spouse or partner.
0 The wedding coordinator is counted as a guest, together with an assistant. Wedding coordinators, who are on the job, do not bring dates to weddings. But they do sit down to eat, which makes them part of the final guest count.
0 The same goes for the photographer and his or her assistant.
0 The DJ or band members
0 The videographer and assistant
0 Finally, the members of your wedding party are either invited together with their spouses, fiancé(e)s, or significant others, and single members of your wedding party are each given an "And Guest" as a matter of respect to them. Yes, they're paired up for the ceremony and the first dance, but it's an etiquette mistake not to give them an "And Guest" for the reception. They can choose to turn down the offer if they wish.
Ceremony Style Etiquette Cutting out the Kids
It's a common practice to eliminate guests' children from your wedding guest list, but you should invite your siblings' children even if they are not in the wedding party.
The #1 Etiquette Mistake in Cutting Guests from List
While it's not likely that your aunt and uncle who now live in New Zealand will be able to attend your wedding in Florida, you absolutely must invite them to the wedding. Never cut a guest from your list just because ...
