Customer Reviews

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures

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The Ethical Slut is incredible!

I first read The Ethical Slut (first edition) as part of a college course. As an undergrad, I was already well on my way to being a proud slut - I did the usual versions of short-term college dating, hookups, friends-with-benefits, threesomes, and the like, with or without a committed partner at various times. It all felt natural and right, but there were invariably awkward moments of poor negotiation, misunderstood communication, and mis-handled jealousy.
When I read The Ethical Slut, I found an amazing wealth of information and suggestions on how I could make my various relationships work better and more smoothly. I wished I'd had this book all along - it would have saved so much trouble! If only I'd known that an agreement to "see other people" wasn't nearly complete enough! The Ethical Slut lays out all the things to think about in having open relationships of various sorts. I've been called a slut since I was 14, but it was this book that gave me the idea that being a slut could be a good thing - and now I couldn't be happier with my fabulous life as a proud slut.

The Ethical Slut is an entertaining, readable, real-life explanation of all the options in relationships. Whether you want to be single or partnered or grouped, poly or monogamous, or whatever else, this book helps you figure out all the possibilities better. It's THE relationship book for anyone who wants more options than a "leave-it-to-beaver" relationship.

If you're just starting to explore open relationships, or you're even just thinking about it, there's no better place to start than with this book. And if you're already immersed in poly life, it's got the "advanced level" information you need. For those who know and love the first edition, the second edition is definitely worth adding to your collection. There's a ton of new information on the really crucial details of how to make all sorts of poly and open relationships work.

The second edition now has exercises exercises, taken from Dossie Easton's work as a therapist with poly folks, that you and/or your partner(s) can work on together. I loved the new section on living as a single slut - which makes the point that sluthood and open loving can be an identity that doesn't require a conventional partnership to secure or ground it. It also offers ideas on how to get one's needs met from a network of friends and lovers - useful information for pretty much anyone. The new segments on handling jealousy and conflict are especially good for those of us who have been involved in poly relationships for some time and need the more detailed info, from the voices of experience, to help through the rough spots. I feel like I'm always learning in poly relationships, and every time I go back to The Ethical Slut, there's some tidbit that helps with the complicated, hard, or unexpected parts of a generally fabulous poly life.

Whether you've read the first edition or not, this is definitely a book you should own. I've read it 3 or 4 times now, and I keep going back to it to check out certain sections that become more relevant as I encounter new poly challenges.

Rather than offering generalities and theories, The Ethical Slut speaks from many people's experience over many decades. It's the real-life information that you need to make all your relationships amazing!!

(and, speaking of making sex and play and relationships amazing, check out some of Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy's other books - The Topping Book, The Bottoming Book, When Someone You Love Is Kinky, and Radical Ecstasy!)

I have always loved sex, but growing up in the South, felt a bit guilty about that. Even though I had open-minded parents, the society around me shaped my beliefs more than I often like to admit.

I found this book very helpful as it showed me that I am not the only one to feel as I do about sex and, more importantly, that I'm not a "bad" person for feeling this way.

Whether or not you are interested in having more sex, or justifying the sex you already have, this book will help you to work with the mental issues around that.

Being an "ethical slut" is about much more than sex though-- it's about having the courage to express your feelings and following your desires. It's about expanding yourself to new levels and going way beyond the limits society has set for you.

Of course, that is my definition. One of the great things about this book is that it allows you to define "ethical slut" for yourself. The authors throw it all out there. Bisexuality, multiple partners are once, marriage, leather, bondage, and more is included here. You pick what works for you. You're also free to change that at any time.

Good book. Very progressive and certainly not for everybody. The book encourages you to follow your own road though, so if you read it, do so knowing that it's perfectly ok for you to disagree.

A related book, which I also love, and I think you will also, is Just Fk Me! - What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom. Something else to make you question everything and come up with your own thoughts.

While the book offers many humorous anecdotal examples of how polyamorous couples are able to successfully navigate the challenges of multi-partner pairing, I found the exercises that readers are supposed to complete with their partner(s) a bit lacking. In short, it is a useful tool for reinforcing or promoting the idea that it is not morally or biologically "better" to be strictly monogamous, but it is not the only literature to consider before making any lifestyle changes. Additionally, the topics of sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies are not treated with appropriate seriousness, but instead are glazed over as minor impediments.

In an age where there seem to be nearly unlimited choices for relating, and truly unlimited guilt and shame attached to all things sexual, Dossie Easton succeeds in walking that fine line between being true to self and ones very real needs and desires, and being true to the basic precepts of honesty and ethical behavior that are the hallmarks of mature adult behavior - and which seem to be sorely lacking in most writings about "alternative" lifestyles and practices.

Though many will decry polyamory as just another excuse for promiscuity, Dossie makes it clear that this is, in fact, truly about loving and being loved unconditionally, as is our birthright - if only we have the courage to try.

Polyamory is not easy, it will never "fix" an existing flawed relationship (indeed it will almost certainly hasten its' demise!), and it works only between individuals who can be completely honest, even when honesty hurts. Given that, "The Ethical Slut" is a decent roadmap toward an expression of our true potential as lovers and partners. Definitely worth reading, and re-reading, if poly is a serious interest, or if you're just curious. It'll make you think, if nothing else.

I got this book because of a recommendation of poly friend of mine when I developed romantic feelings for a mutual friend who was also poly. I had talked to their relationships in the past, and I didn't have anything wrong with the way they lived their lives, but the idea of it being the way I lived my life too scared me a lot. Would I get jealous? Will someone else hate me? Will there be whispers behind my back in my friend group? It just seemed too overwhelming.

This book was one of those where, as I read it, I realized I already had this world view, I'd just never articulated it. Men and women *should* be treated as equals, honesty and caring about your lovers' feelings are more important than monogamy, and of course it's possible to love more than one person at once. I laughed out loud a few times, just because I already knew this, but I was comparing my own opinions to our "cultural norms" that say the opposite. I never thought to question the cultural norms, instead I spent all these years questioning my own feelings.

I also think it's a book that everyone should read. Especially in the first few chapters, there is advice about dating that I have given to my single friends. The chapter about learning to be single is also very touching, and I think it's an important lesson for everyone to learn. I know that some people who need it will end up missing this advice because of who it's targeted to; I just hope they have friends who've read this book.

I purchased this book and gave it to my wife with almost an apology. I shouldn't have. She loves the book and it has opened her eyes to all the possibilities she didn't know existed (or at least didn't want to confess). She now declares herself polyamorous and we are set to meet our first "date" in two weeks. This book is a very good resource for those with questions, and we all have questions.

And BTW, when did I become "Mr. Honesty"?

The main premise of the book is that being sexually promiscuous (being a "slut") is not a "bad thing." It actually is a positive experience to live as a slut: to have the freedom and ability to express one's sexuality and to act on (consensual) sexual desires. The authors attempt to reclaim the word slut as a label that positively describes someone's ability and desire to have a variety of positive sexual encounters, experiences, and partners.

While there were a few things I did like about this book, there were also some things I was not as fond of. The writing feels disconnected from my generation. The authors seem to place an emphasis on "free love" which feels out of touch with the way our society is structured and with how most people live right now. This isn't to say that I don't think "free love" is a humbling and sort of noble idea; I would actually prefer it, I think, if people had the humility and security to love many people and have sex with many people without it causing anxiety, fear of loss, jealousy, and anger. Overall, though, it doesn't feel like a practical guide to expanding relationships and sexual experiences. The authors actually admit to having their roots in 1960s San Francisco, and most of the book feels couched in a small, small slice of the American experience and not applicable to mainstream America.

I really did like, however, their discussion about how the taboo nature of sex has led to distorted views about the sexual experience and misinformation. If no one can openly talk about sex and ask questions when there is confusion about the real mechanics of sex, then I think people go off of the messages they receive from mass media and porn. Sex is always passionate, right? The woman always squirts, right? The man is always bigger than the woman, right? There is always a lot of grunting and screaming, right? I think if we all talked to all of our friends, family, neighbors, and coworkers, we would find out that the sexual experience is as diverse as people are in general. Because social constraints keep us from talking openly about sex with everyone we might want to, we have no way of knowing that not every man grunts, not every woman orgasms the same way, that sometimes sex is just sex and not some mind-blowing, earth-shattering event. One of their suggestions for breaking yourself out of your own "sex is taboo" box is to write down all sex-related words that you can think of, and then choose the ones you like. Say them out loud five times in a row so that you actually feel comfortable saying them. It makes it easier to communicate to yourself and others what you want, what you like, and what you want to do.

The chapter on jealousy was also solid, and had some great tips about how to manage and face jealousy. A lot of their suggestions had to do with relaxation techniques, being honest with yourself and your partner, appropriate ways to respond to jealousy, and how to problem solve and manage conflicts peacefully and constructively. The chapters on health and raising children were also informative and helpful. Lastly, I really liked the authors' ability to talk about the "real-world" constraints of having an open relationship: time, money, and one's ability to have sex many times a day are all limited! It does take honest negotiation and communication to make an open relationship work.

This book is one I highly recommend for anyone considering or entering an alternative lifestyle. It covers many of the problems which commonly are main issues of concern for someone who is drawn to a different type of relationship. The chapter on jealousy is one that I think everyone, even those in monogamous relationships could benefit a great deal from.

I've been practicing Ethical Sluttery for 18 months now and it's all down to the September Edward Carpenter Community's Gay Men's Weeks!

It all started in September 2009- "The Dance Between Power and Intimacy"-my first ECC experience and, there I was, all alone.

Back home I was in a long-term relationship. The erotic expression of our love for each other had stopped years before. We were maintaining a monogamous tradition fearing the potential destabilising consequences of messing with the arrangement. I had been interested in meditation as a homphobia-free means of satisfying my hunger for spiritual nourishment and, I suppose, at the time I was searching for a spiritual home.

The workshops during that week helped me to put my monogamous sexual barriers down. I explored how the experience of erotic sexual massage could combine with spiritual meditative practice and how loving intimacy was rapidly fostered between individuals who were prepared to engage in vulnerable-making self-exposure. I didn't realise at the time that this would set a foundation for me to embark on a path of authentic personal growth and enable me to engage in loving encounters like never before. Wow!

When I returned from the week I was on fire! The stakes were high but I had to risk discussing with my partner making changes to the 12-year-old monogamous agreement we made when we'd first met. Being a naturally jealous bloke his reaction was to be cautiously OK about it. We agreed to me doing sexual things outside the relationship provided I would tell him what happened if he asked but not to tell him if he didn't ask. I love him and I didn't want to hurt him but I also sensed a chance to grow emotionally, spiritually and sexually. Here was a genie, which could not be popped back into its bottle.

A good friend made on this first Gay Men's Week introduced me to the Faeries and I went to three gatherings that year- Featherstone Castle, Folleterre and Wansee. As is often the case I came away from each of these gatherings with something important learned about myself. Featherstome held a mirror up to my life-long approval seeking programming. Folleterre helped me to reflect on how my father's [patriarchy's] disapproval of the feminine aspects of my nature set the scene for not only my internalised homophobia but also a kind of internalised misogyny of which I had been previously completely unaware. Wansee opened my eyes to how the way I presented myself to others was profoundly affected by fear of shame and social rejection.

So it was in the context of this roller coaster ride of personal growth and self-discovery that I was introduced to The Ethical Slut

I wasn't sure if it was possible to be a Really Dirty Slut and to also be a Really Good Person at the same time. This book showed me how!

The authors reclaim the abusive term Slut in the same way that Queer has been reclaimed for marginal sexual orientation and gender identity and in the same way that Faerie is reclaimed to proudly assert our sissy natured-ness. `Sluts' are those who dare to have sex more often, and in less conventional ways, than everyone else and, who refuse to be cowed into submitting to the social norms. `Ethical Sluts' are those who do this openly, honestly, lovingly and caringly with the intention of harming no one.

I would strongly recommend this book to anyone who is stopping themselves from having, or openly admitting to having desired ethical sex out of fear that it would be immoral, socially disapproved of and because the consequences would mean guilt and social exclusion.

The authors convincingly argue that our society is geared towards regulating sexual relationships so they fit into monogamous, politically and economically acceptable hetero-imitative configurations, which provide ostensibly stable environments for habitat-living-style-consumerism and child rearing. They confront the idea that sexual relationships exist in a `starvation economy'-' i.e. that there aren't enough sexual relationships to go around and so sexual relationships need to be jealously protected and safeguarded. They argue that there is an infinite potential for sexual relationships of all shapes and sizes and the key to accessing these in order to meet one's many and varied sexual appetites is, firstly, honesty in communication with one's partners and, secondly, negotiating clear unambiguous agreements which enable the involved partners to feel emotionally safe and secure.

Of course it isn't all necessarily going to be a bed of roses and it would be surprising if jealousies didn't arise in polyamorous arrangements. The authors present convincing arguments about how the working through of jealousies is a potentially very good thing both for the development of the affected individuals but also for the relevant relationships.

It could even be possible that `compersion' -the emotion of joy at one's partner's happiness with another sexual partner might even prevail!

The interesting thing about becoming honestly polyamorous [as opposed to the conventional dishonest non-consensual non-monogamous pattern of polyamory-or `having an affair'- prevalent in western cultures] is that it allows you to enjoy a wide variety of sexual partners without having to lie or feel bad about it. And rather than distancing you from love and spirit it has the potential to deepen you spiritual growth too. If that isn't enough to convince, you also get a chance to feel the full force of conventional societal disapproval and to work on your own issues of guilt shame and approval seeking!

Read the book and start to change the world!

If you believe that you have broken the relationship mold and you simply do not have the words to describe your experience, this book will provide you with the lingual tools you desire. As a person who has had a great deal of trouble accepting the most common ways of living, I hold out great hope that I could effectively communicate my thoughts, feelings and desires with any individual who has read The Ethical Slut. Even if you are completely satisfied with a monogamous lifestyle, the perspectives and intelligent ideas about honest and sex positive communication WILL be useful in ALL of your relationships.