I plan on posting this under the reviews of this book on Amazon.com about that book I was telling you about.
If you've just been wounded by a man's sexual sin, DO NOT read this book. I picked this book up under the guise it was supposed to help wives deal with the emotional, mental and physical aftermath of her husband's sexual sin (porn and/or affairs), but it's more about justifying a man's bad behavior and stressing how the burden of correction is on the woman.
My first problem with this book is that it's written by a man. As a woman, there's healing in hearing how other women felt, dealt with and hopefully overcame this crisis. A woman who has been devastated and wounded by her husband does not need to hear the cool, casual and dismissive remarks of this male author. Nor does she need to hear how she should be excusing her husband's behavior because he is biologically prone to sexual sin, had an absentee father or experienced childhood abuse. Let's not forget that many people have had bad childhoods and either end up in serious personal troubles or grow up to have productive lives -- it's all about choice. A bad start in life doesn't excuse one's poor life choices -- regardless of gender. What's worse is the author condemns women for wallowing in their hurt and sorrow, calling it a sin to stay in that frame of mind. Well, yes, we need to eventually move on from our pain toward healing and forgiveness, but do not condemn a devastated, betrayed woman for what she is feeling. She needs to feel in order to move on. Let's not forget God knows what it feels like to be betrayed. The Old Testament is full of passages on God speaking about the hurt, rejection, betrayal and sorrow He felt over his people constantly rejecting Him and committing idolatry. God understands a woman's plight in this area, and even on a greater scale. I ask the author to read Hosea with the intention of really hearing God express his deep hurt over being betrayed, then the author will get a glimpse into a heart of a betrayed woman. I personally found reading Hosea quite healing and also guiding in terms of finding that I can forgive.
The author of this book, however, has no compassion and demands forgiveness rather than lovingly points the way.
Another concern I have about the author began early on in the book during a discussion he had with his wife about a pre-marriage group he leads. He had upset several women in the group over a discussion on PMS. He commented on how women can simply overcome mood swings, aches, pains and other symptoms by just praying harder. The author's wife tried to explain to him that the women were upset by his comments because they seemed to make light of this very real female issue. The author, in his arrogance, threw scripture at his wife in reply. I'm not surprised the author showed little compassion.
Yes, it is true that God is greater than PMS, but it's not an easy physical issue to deal with. Each woman is different and each woman experiences PMS in greater or lesser degrees. To have a "Christian" man come in and make light of a very real issue appalled me. What's worse, in the same breath he turns around and tries to excuse the poor sexual behavior of men, including his own, on background and childhood, without ever really talking about an individual's responsibility to pray and seek God for help and deliverance. He is quick to point out how women should do this, but avoids talking about how men need to take responsibility for their own actions as well and hit their knees. The men can curl up in a ball of guilt demanding the women do all of his work. I find no scripture or verse that backs this attitude up.
Sadly, this book glosses over the deep wounding and pain of a betrayed woman. If you have been betrayed, this book will offer no comfort or guidance toward healing and forgiveness and rebuilding of trust. In fact, I really don't recall it addressing these issues in depth at all. It touches briefly on "here's what you're feeling," than rushes on to talk about how men feel and the needs of men and what men have to have for the rest of the book. The author's wife speaks briefly in spots, only to be overshadowed by her husband's remarks. The author makes no bones about having had a very bad and violent temper, so it's no surprise his wife is agreeing with him throughout the book.
An additional problem I had with the book was the assortment of accounts from other women who have dealt with their husband's sexual sin. The stories are the same: wife catches husband, husband lies, "repents," then just finds better ways of telling lies and hiding his sin until he's caught again. These men never honestly deal with the issue and their wives are left wounded over and over again and told they need to keep praying, keep forgiving, keep excusing their behavior as "well, this is his natural tendency and he had a bad childhood," and if I pray hard enough, he'll change.
While prayer is crucial, the husband needs to take responsibility and pray if he's to be free of sexual sin. If he's not honestly praying and earnestly seeking God for help, guidance and deliverance every moment of his life, he will not change. He hasn't hit a point where he feels he needs to, so he does not. God does not force us to change. He will gives us all the tools and ability we need to change, but unless we step out and use them and rely on His strength, we will not overcome that sin. As wives, we are helpmates and stand beside our men in prayer. But preventing them from sinning is NOT our sole responsibility. The husband needs to be the one to take action in getting his life right before God. The women in these accounts seem little more than doormats, and there is absolutely nothing in the Bible that says we should permit that.
The author is also quick to hammer home the point that women's bodies belong to their husband. True. I kept waiting for him to talk about the rest of that scripture, about a man's body belonging to his wife. He never did. He points out how men have twisted that scripture to abuse their wives. The author's wife even joins in to tell women our bodies belong to our husbands and to withhold it is a sin. But neither of them bother to say how men are wrong for depriving their wives of their bodies through sexual sin. If more men viewed their bodies as belonging to their wives, maybe they'd be less inclined to give it to another woman, to pornography or to whatever the sexual sin might me. This point was not discussed.
The main point of this book: "Wives, your man is going to fall into sexual sin, so give him sex whenever and however he wants or he'll be FORCED to look elsewhere because of his natural tendencies and bad childhood. It doesn't matter if he's not taking care of your emotional or relational needs, because marriage really is only about sex to him and your needs are secondary as a woman. Oh, and it's nothing personal, because men can separate love from sex and therefore have affairs with dozens of women but still say he loves you. But as women, your job is to always forgive, not matter what he treats you like, and then maybe he'll decide to change, after he cheats on you again."
I think the author has forgotten 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
AND Galatians 5:22-23: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
If more men AND women believed and lived by those scriptures, and many others talking about what love really is, we wouldn't be having to write or read such awful books on sexual sin in marriages.
