3 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
A comprehensive look at how relationships work., February 18, 2011
This review is from: Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: From Infatuation and Disenchantment to Mature Love (Paperback)
I find Meinecke's book very interesting. Well written and motivating. She spends the initial chapters attempting to explain to the reader what the title actually means. She describes the 20 myths of marriage and explains the faults within each myth, I enjoyed this. I loved her discussion of neural plasticity and was delighted that she quotes everyone from Thornton Wilder to Elizabeth Wurtzel to John Lennon.
When I got to Chapter 3 I was surprised to find out that even though `everybody marries the wrong person', some of us actually marry the 'wronger' person. She acknowledges that some of us just marry `great mistakes'. You know you really messed up if your partner has substance dependence or substance abuse issues, is mentally cruel, physically abusive, is explosively angry, has controlling behavior, is jealous, is paranoid, is under-functioning or is under-responsible. So I assume this book only applies to those of us who are married to nonaddicted, nice, uncontrolling, unjealous, unparanoid, functioning, responsible partners. If this is the case, why would you even be reading a book about marrying the wrong person?
After the initial explanations about what the title means, this book is divided into three parts. The first part is INFATUATION. She explain what is going on in the brain in that `crazy in love' period we all go through and why that feeling does not last. Next she briefly discusses the DISENCHANTMENT period of marriage. These short chapters discuss the brain's role in how our post infatuation frustration turns into disenchantment. This beautifully written but unless you love this stuff you are probably going to skim this section and look for information that is actually understandable, and helpful. The reader will find this in the discussion of thought and behavior mistakes responsible for our disenchantment.
Finally the author gets to the fundamentals of MATURE LOVE. While this was filled with numerous really insightful thoughts, there were so many short discussions about so many things I felt like I had ADD when reading it. It just kept changing topics and then there were no overall conclusions tying them all together. I feel like this book was similar to the introduction section of a dissertation, where you mention everything you can possibly fit in before you present your research and then tie it all together in the discussion section. Meinecke had all the foundations of an excellent paper if she only finished the conclusion.
Meinecke writes `Some readers are thinking, I've never hear (the title) before'. Well not me! As I read this book I could not help but pondering why this title sounded so familiar to me. Then I recalled Brown University Psychiatrist, Scott Haltzman said almost this exact thing to Matt Lauer on the Today show in 2007 when promoting his book, `Secrets of Happily Married Men'. Haltzman however said this with jocularity "Well Matt, we all married the wrong person!" explaining how we don't really know who our mates are when we marry them.
As I see the many excellent reviews of this book I find myself asking, "Do people actually read the books they review?" Would I recommend this book to others? Yes, I would have to say that I would recommend this book, not as a tool to understand why you married the wrong person but as a comprehensive look at how relationships work. "Everybody marries the wrong person?" Hmmm, I kinda find myself wondering where Dr. Haltzman is now. Has he seen the title of this book? Is he laughing? I think I am going to Google him and send him a copy. Honestly, I found the phrase `Everyone Marries the Wrong Person' unique, one-of-a-kind and amusing the first time I heard it ...and the second.
Read this book, it is an education on marriage.
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1 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
For anyone in any type of relationship, April 6, 2011
This review is from: Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: From Infatuation and Disenchantment to Mature Love (Paperback)
You don't have to be married to appreciate and get a tremendous amount of benefit from this book. If you are in any kind of relationship this book is instructional. She lays it all out in a clear easy to read manner and then provides tools with which you can grow into being a more self-responsible adult. One thing I took away from it is a little mantra -- restraint and integrity -- that can not only be used in your loving relationships but with a relationship with anyone --- as well as yourself!!!
I also like how she explains that the conventional wisdom of being honest and expressing your feelings is based on a flawed model and belief from the 60s and is actually destructive to any relationship. In short, I am not allowed to impose my negativity on anyone, especially my partner.
She also goes into great depth to explain new discoveries on how the mind works. Important to know since all of us come here without a users manual.
I got this as a library book and am planning on getting my own copy, read it again and use as a reference. This is one of the best, most sober books I have ever read about relationships.
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10 of 18 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Incoherent. Non-specific. Ranting. Denies research., October 6, 2010
This review is from: Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: From Infatuation and Disenchantment to Mature Love (Paperback)
This book can't seem to make up it's mind where it's going. It contradicts itself often. It equates mutual admiration with emotional compatibility. The chapter on emotional compatibility is four pages long. Much of this book is snippets of sample conversations between spouses,and those are so extreme as to be nearly comical. The author seems to believe that if you want something in your marriage to improve, you have an unresolved family of origin issue. (It couldn't really actually be a real problem.) She states that emotional disengagement is bad for marriage, but doesn't give many specifics as to where to draw the line between healthy and unhealthy disengagement. She ignores the research that says that women whose husbands help around the house are happier than those that don't. Her entire point seems to be that each spouse should be emotionally independent from the other, but shines little light onto how to be connected to your spouse without being dependent. She states that in an ideal world, spouses would never ask favors of each other. Funny, I thought that in an ideal world each spouse would be free to ask and each spouse would be free to grant or deny the request.
She states that there are "areas of compatibility" for many couples, but doesn't give a way to nurture those. She states that one should not have to walk on egg shells for his/her spouse, but doesn't explain where to draw the line or suggest ways to compromise where the line should be. She explores some old stereotypical myths that I have never known anyone to believe. Who really believes that only one person exists with whom they can have a happy life? Nobody I know. On page 25 she states that you must "provide your spouse with his or her dreamed-of level of consideration." Then later in the book she states that you should not expect marriage to be a lifetime of special treatment. Author, make up your mind. You conflict yourself so often that you have lost all credibility in this field.
In short, the author seems to enjoy chastising her clients for not seeing their own folly. She gives them little practical advice. And while she says it's wrong to psychoanalyze your spouse to investigate why they are so (whatever) it's quite all right for her to psychoanalyze you.
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