Customer Reviews

Everything Hurts: A Novel

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In the movie "Tropic Thunder," there's a great line spoken by Robert Downey Jr., who's playing an Australian actor who has been cast as an African-American character in black face: "I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude!" I'll never be able to hear that line again without thinking about the origins of Marty Fleck, the metafictional, unintentional, self-help guru in Bill Scheft's wonderfully funny third novel, "Everything Hurts."

If Phil Camp, the main character, who suddenly develops a mysterious, painful limp in Scheft's novel, represents the book's author (who, himself, suffered from an actual case of "phantom limp" while writing this book), then Fleck, who is created by the fictional Camp, represents something even more detached. When Camp writes under the pseudonym of Marty Fleck, he is allowed to operate unfettered, tapping directly into his subconscious mind to bypass the usual filters that are in place to protect not only himself (although especially himself), but also those around him. Marty Fleck is Phil Camp's id made manifest. It's no coincidence that Fleck's emphasis is on "baggage." It's the act of carrying around the baggage of our lives that weighs us down and cripples us emotionally. It's the act of carrying around the baggage of Phil Camp's life that has weighed HIM down and crippled him--both emotionally and physically. In the same way that physical toxins may eventually manifest themselves in the form of malignant tumors in the human body, psychic toxins, emotional pain ("baggage," if you will) can develop into cancers of the soul. Marty Fleck emerges from Phil Camp like a psychic tumor, a boil that eventually becomes self-lancing as Camp lies on a wrestling mat writing advice columns to himself. (I have an entire theory about the "beetle on his back" vision of Camp transforming into Fleck, and how it relates, as diametric antithesis, to Kafka's gloomy, cathartic allegory, "The Metamorphosis," written as he was dying from tuberculosis, but I won't go into that here.) Fleck becomes a kind of Ouija board, allowing Camp to unearth and access painful, repressed memories that are essential to healing both himself and his relationships with those who are important to him.

Phil Camp is convinced that his imaginary creation, Marty Fleck, is simply the product of a happy accident and is nothing more than a big joke. Therefore, in one sense, Fleck is something other than an actual charlatan. He's something much funnier: a "pseudo-charlatan," if you will. What a concept! No harm is intended, but then no real help is intended either. However, in the end, the joke is on Camp (and us) as we come to realize that Marty Fleck has been responsible for a great deal of unintentional healing.

The plot contains all of the elements of a Greek tragedy, but Scheft manages to keep the reader laughing through all of the pain. The concept of dual fathers is repeated until it becomes purely absurdist, comic symbolism, with Phil's estranged brother, Jim, finally sleeping with the mother of the teenaged girl to whom Phil has become a kind of surrogate father. This is some deeply layered stuff, and it elevates Scheft's novel to something much more than a simple, comic romp in the park. "Everything Hurts" is not just a reference to the mysterious, physical pains experienced by Phil Camp. It means what it says: EVERYTHING hurts. Childhood memories hurt, marriage hurts, divorce hurts, work hurts, loss of work hurts, anti-Semitism hurts, family relationships hurt, aging hurts, living hurts, dying hurts, everything hurts.

Of course, nothing hurts worse than family relationships, and the relationship between Phil and his brother, Jim, is the source of the greatest pain in this book. As children, having been advised by their parents to adopt aliases in an effort to avoid any shame associated with their work as golf caddies, they each grow up to do exactly the same thing as adults. Jim Camp evolves into the right wing, Christian, radio personality Jim McManus. Phil Camp becomes the fake, self-help guru Marty Fleck. Both brothers have command of a public forum, but both are hiding behind masks. The brothers become separated by the twin gulfs of political ideology and religion, and THEN the possibility of paternity problems involving Jim's firstborn is raised. Oy!

The reader becomes convinced that this cannot possibly end well, but one of the beautiful things about this book is that Scheft keeps tweaking the reader's expectations. He takes us to places that we do not expect to go (thank God!). For example, in a scene that is, essentially, the equivalent of "The Last Supper" for Marty Fleck (because, let's face it, Marty Fleck is the savior who was born, and subsequently dies, for the sins of Phil Camp), we expect the sudden appearance of Jim McManus to be the arrival of the Judas character. We assume that he is going to ruin everything on this night. Nothing could be further from the truth. Scheft sets us up for the fastball and throws us a curve, painting the outside corner and catching us looking--in complete awe. This is actually the point where we learn just how effective the "fake" self-help guru has been in, inadvertently, helping to bridge the gap between Phil and his brother... for many years. Bill Scheft might just as easily be named Bill "Shift" with the way that he seamlessly, gently, comically turns our preconceived notions upside down at this point. The brother who's just joking around proves to be the one who is, unbeknownst to even himself, engaged in some pretty serious business, and the brother who is, ostensibly, the serious, opinionated, right wing gasbag admits that he has only been engaged in "big time wrestling." This is simply beautiful writing. Scheft understands the relationship between brothers, and when Jim McManus extends the olive branch of a folded piece of paper to his brother, Phil, I became, after pages of laughter inducing dialogue, misty-eyed with understanding and appreciation.

Scheft is fully aware that the territory of dysfunctional family relationships that he is exploring in this novel is nothing new to us. In fact, with a wink, he knowingly inserts a nice little joke about "The Prince of Tides" early in the narrative. However, what prevents this novel from deteriorating into "The Prince of Tylenol" is the fact that Bill Scheft understands a fundamental principle of writing comedy: somebody gets hurt. Every great joke has at least one victim. The target of a joke might be the class of all lawyers, Jason Giambi and Paris Hilton, Rush Limbaugh, or the author of the joke, himself, but somebody... is... gonna... get... hurt. And when everything hurts, well, that just means that everything is fair game for Scheft's brilliant style of comic skewering. When everything hurts, then the human condition, itself, becomes a target of Scheft's comedic skills. (Look out, human condition!) Add an abundance of wonderful examples of comic wordplay to the mix, wordplay that results in such verbal gems as "Mr. Continuing Ed," and "'White Fang' shui," and you have a novel that takes some of the most depressing material that you can possibly imagine and makes it laugh out loud funny on virtually every page. Personally, I would be hard pressed to imagine a situation that symbolically conveys the burying of the past, and moving forward, more accurately than the spontaneous staging of a wedding in a cemetery, moments after a funeral. Scheft does this with ease. He's just that good.

...one cannibal turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Yeah, this book tastes INCREDIBLY funny! In this novel, Bill Scheft bites down deep into the horror and sadness that makes us human and spits out a pair of clown shoes. I've barely scratched the surface of the book's depth and meaning here. I'll leave the rest to the future PhD candidates who choose the works of Bill Schef as the subject of their doctoral theses, and trust me, there will be many. Yesterday, someone asked me what I thought were the best three books that I've read in 2009. Without hesitation, I told them, "'Everything Hurts,' both times that I've read it, and again, after I read it for the third time." I absolutely mean that. Bill Scheft is a comic genius who understands profound sadness. And when it comes to extracting laughs from human suffering, writing comic novels born of intense pain, I hope that I am bestowing the greatest accolades of which I am capable upon Mr. Scheft when I close with a joke of my own: I haven't laughed so hard since Joseph Heller died!

(What, too soon?)

You might as well purchase his two previous novels, "The Ringer" and "Time Won't Let Me," right now, because after you finish this one, you'll be craving more Scheft... Like I am at this very moment.

Well I have to admit that I have not gotten so many chuckles and laughs per chapter in any book for quite some time now. Bill Scheft is a truly funny writer, but at the same time gives us some very profound, if a bit quirky at times, insights to the human condition. I promise you that this work will touch you in many ways, not only your sense of humor, but your more serious side as well.

The plot of this novel has done been done to death in several very nice reviews which have been posted here so I will not linger on that long. Suffice to report that this is a story of a man who in order to come up with some much needed cash, creates of himself an absolutely phony self-guru. He, our protagonist, writes a book and one thing leads to another and all of a sudden is a success. Now one of the overriding factors in this novel is that fact that our hero has a problem...a very serious problem with pain. This is the story of his journey through the trials and tribulations of being something that he is not and dealing with chronic pain at the same time.

The author, Bill Scheft has given us a myriad of unforgettable characters in this work and in fact, this is probably the strongest aspect of his writing ability. You actually get to know, feel for, understand and relate on some level to each and everyone of the quite different individuals you are introduced to in this work. Secondly, the author is a master and creating, explaining and exploiting relationships with his writing. Whether it be the relationship between two men, a relationship between a man and a woman or a relationship between a phony and the real thing, the author has it down pat. I dare to say that the reader will see not only many individual he or she encounters in their own life, but they will seem themselves in more than one character here.

But most importantly, as far as I am concerned, is the authors wit; which to be quite frank is about one half bubble off center...just the sort of thing I love. I hate to use the word hilarious as I feel it is overused in many of these review, but in this case I know of no better descriptive word or phrase. You will find yourself laughing out loud, chuckling and snickering throughout the entire work.

Now if you couple this ability to make you laugh with the ability of a truly master story teller, then you have a winner by just about any standard.

This is a rather quick read despite the moderate length which is a shame because it is over all too quickly. It is the time of book that you simply will not be able to put down once you start and the kind of book that you will be sorry to reach the end of. If you enjoy something different, something that will make you laugh and think at the same time, then this is certainly the book for you.

Highly recommend this one...do add it to your reading list!

Don Blankenship
The Ozarks

What a ride! Author Bill Scheft has just what the doctor ordered and it's his new work. Hilarious,take no prisoners wit and wordplay permeate this fun and thoughful trip. The author has his finger on the pulse of the plight of the human condition. The results are a painful yet joyful discovery that authenticity comes from many unexpected encounters.Sometimes in life many things really do hurt.A remedy can be found in the wonderful writing of Bill Scheft. Don't miss it.

This book is for anyone who lives in New York, has been to New York or would like to visit. It is insightful, meaningful and really, really funny. Unlike everyone in his book, Bill Scheft seems to improve with age. I liked "The Ringer" and "Time Won't Let Me" enough that I bought this one before it came out on paperback! Treat yourself, you won't be sorry.

Bill Scheft's latest novel has something for everyone: familial intrigue, Mamet-like dialogue, obscure sporting references, hilarious quotes and self-help authors who need help.

It starts with Phil Camp writing a spoof self help-book called "Where Can I Stow My Baggage." Unfortunately, no one gets the joke but Phil. People take "Baggage" to heart and Phil winds up with the enviable kind of pop culture advice career that Dr. Phil would give his self respect for. Guess we're too late on that one...

Phil soon discovers, however, that his candy-coated, feel good advice doesn't do anything for the psychosomatic pain he develops in his leg.

Along the way we're introduced to Phil's estranged (and strange) family, his Irish Shrink, and a real self-help guru who just might be able to heal Phil if he doesn't kill him first for dating his daughter.

With humorous and insightful scenes involving Phil's analysis, the romantic pursuit of his healer's daughter, his relationship with his brother and even the New York Yankees, Bill Scheft has hit another home run.

Scheft can make you laugh out loud one minute, then have you holding your head in your hands as you recognize your own foibles in his deft characterizations.

Enjoy his work. As always. Maybe this time the Thurber Award people will get it right.

Our hero, Phil Camp, is a worthy successor to College Boy and all the members of The Truants, stars of Bill Scheft's earlier hilarious novels. In EVERYTHING HURTS, Bill's third novel, Phil finds unexpected success when he writes a fake self-help book under a fake name and follows it up with more success writing a weekly column under said fake name. When a mysterious pain in (...) wrecking his life he begins working through painful issues in his past in order to find a cure, and along the way we meet a self-help guru and his amazing daughter, Phil's blow-hard, right-wing brother, a terrific teenage girl across the hall and a few other well developed characters, my favorite being the Irish Shrink--we could all use someone like him in our emotional corner. This is Bill's most mature work so far, dealing with real human frailty and failures, as well as healing, emotionally and physically. As we've come to expect from Bill, the subtle brilliant wit and outrageous guffaws are plentiful, but the surprise is the depth of the relationships he explores here with great success. The only downside I can see is that I'll have to wait a while for his next novel...

What can I say...I'm cracking up every other page.

The main character is an author who stumbles into success when he was just trying to pay his alimony...what a nice dream.... And it goes on with an interesting plot, for example, his ex-wife calls in a bomb threat on the day of his wedding, but that is nothing compared to the funny things he writes. This is a book you keep on hand to read again and again when you need a good laugh.

When Phil Camp writes a book in order to make an early payoff of his divorce settlement, he stumbles upon national fame as his biting alter-ego, self-help guru Marty Fleck. However, while Phil/Marty can write self-help columns that cut to the chase, he can't help himself out of a cutting leg/back pain that renders him immobile and isolated. After bailing out of disc surgery, he is introduced to a 'real' self-help guru, Samuel Abrun, who teaches that most pain is rooted not in physical injury but in emotional injury and anger.

As we follow his pursuit of recovery, we see Phil find an unlikely woman to love him into mobility. We also meet his polar-opposite brother who can literally feel Phil's pain, but can't help inflicting a little more for good measure. His helpful neighbor Elly brings a youthful enthusiasm into his life that he discovers had been lost, and his therapist, affectionately known as the Irish Shrink, helps Phil dig beyond the nerve endings to the root causes of his anger (and his limp), even decades into his past.

This work does a fantastic job capturing the dynamics of a man's relationship with the significant men in his life, the significant women in his life, and the sciatic nerve in his leg. There is brilliant laugh-out-loud humor throughout, but it never compromises the touching nature of the message. Sometimes pain doesn't go away by cutting something out, but rather bringing something (or someone) back in.

There were a few funny parts but overall the book was drawn out and the plot was thin. It was so bad, I never finished it. I think in all my years of reading, I have only done that once before. I would not suggest buying it unless you want a book to help you get to sleep.

I've enjoyed all three of Bill Scheft's novels, but this one was the best. "Everything Hurts" is easily the funniest book I've ever read about chronic pain.