Customer Reviews

Everything You Know about Love and Sex Is Wrong

5 star:		(7)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

It seems that from the time we are very young we start to develop ideas of what love, marriage and relationships should be like. Generally, it is not that we actually see those relationships but through the influence of media, family and friends we are taught that the ideal relationship contains certain particular traits and anything less is not good enough.

Schwartz looks at twenty-five myths about relationships and how they keep you from achieving a happy and contented relationship. Some of the myths she challenges are holy grails of what relationships "should" be. For example, that your lover or mate should also be your best friend.
I don't agree with everything she says but she has compelling arguments for her positions and encourages us to challenge our preconceptions to see if they fit for us.

Not a deep book filled with psychological studies and analysis by any means, it is filled with practical advice and new ways to look at relationships. A recommended read for anyone with a history of relationship problems, entering into a new relationship or just questioning the values that they grew up with.

I didn't find this book to be particularly enlightening, but I can see where it would help people to examine their beliefs around love and sex and adopt more conscious beliefs as a result. On the other hand, I wasn't impressed with much of the advice. In fact, I would say some of it was irresponsible and in some cases was contradicted later in the book.

Overall, this was an interesting read and it openly explores territory that other writers don't want to venture into such as jealousy, affairs, lying, etc. However, the examination of these areas is not necessarily deep, consistent or based on any type of real research. However, she does through in an occasional citation to back up her opinion, but not very often.

Much of the thinking in this book seems to be driven by a narcissistic worldview. In other words, the right thing to do is the thing that gets you want you want with minimum risk. I'm not sure I would be particularly proud of myself or my life if that was a code that I adopted and over a lifetime it turned out to be my legacy.

On the other hand, the author takes a practical view of difficult to discuss topics and examines many of the disconnections between what people say they believe and what they actually do. This can be a real eye opener for many. The author also offers some good advice and insights, but philosophically I diverge from her core beliefs and don't accept the assumptions they are based on. I realize others might find more congruence.

I was particularly disturbed by author's advice about lying. While I can see where lying might save a relationship or spare people conflict, it may also spare them badly needed personal growth and a sense of responsibility for their actions. She also leaves out the fact that lying can become a downward spiral and devastate self esteem. For a book that takes a deeper look at lying in personal relationships, I would check out PRIVATE LIES by Frank Pittman. To my knowledge this is the best discussion of this controversial area.

Another important point that the author leaves out about lying is that it may be a flag you are with the wrong person or have some personal growth work to do. If you can't talk to your partner because you don't feel safe, then maybe there is a compatibility issue. The point of using this area as an example is to illustrate that important implications of behavior are often not looked at deeply or even ignored.

Where the book succeeds is at getting you to look deeply at the truth you are living and contrasting this with some hard realities about the landscape of modern love relationships. Even if you disagree with what the author says, the book raises questions which might not go examined without this kind of stimulus.

The book is and the author has a style of writing that pulls the reader in from a drama standpoint. However, I am less excited by her ideas and the quality of her thought process. That is not to say she is not a very bright woman, but given the importance of the topics in question, I think a deeper examination would have served more people. Put another way, people might act on this advice and I feel she would have helped more people if she did a deeper and more thorough analysis of the issues she was discussing. Prior to writing this book, she gave advice for on relationship for Glamour, so I would expect something along similar lines.

I personally disagree with her advice in a number of areas. However, the book is entertaining and a light read. If that is what you are looking for then it might be a good fit. However, if you are looking for solid relationship advice, I would turn to other sources such as WILL OUR LOVE LAST by Sam Hamburg. (I have listed some of my personal favorite books on love, sex and relationships in a listmania list under my profile. You might find this interesting to check out as well.)

I loved this book. Pepper Schwartz pulls no punches and isn't afraid of any topic. Once you pick this book up, it's almost impossible to set it down. Schwartz challenges some of our basic assumptions of what makes a relationship work--and she wipes off all the romantic gloss so we can function more easily. What makes this book so much fun is, you don't have to agree with everything she writes. But by going for the jugular, Schwartz asks us to challenge everything we think. This is a great gift for the reader.

Schwartz has a zippy, fun, unpretentious style. It's an invigorating read. Never once to you feel the pace lessen or that Schwartz takes her foot off the accelerator. She illustrates her points with an invigorating mix of her own anectdotes and stories of others.

Obviously, Schwartz had a ton of fun exploring these myths--and so do we as we follow her mind at work. Enjoy!

Dr. Schwartz does a great job of picking out 25 ideas about relationships and presenting informed views of why they may not necessarily be right for everyone. For example, we are taught in movies, our friends, and possibly even our parents that we will always know who "the one" is when we see them, or to date only people who you think are marriage potential when you want to get serious. She describes the "instant love" feeling as mostly a hormonal reaction to a quality you might see in the "one" that you desire and appreciate...and also cites that if you date people you know you won't marry, you would loosen up, be more relaxed, and learn something about yourself you never would have otherwise with a person who only fits your "type".

I was quite surprised when I read the view by Dr. Wilcox on how men will beat up on women who don't show pleasure during sex. I know a number of counselors (because my mother works with people in the field), and every one of them has said that abuse is rarely if ever about sex, it is more about power and control. It was not Dr. Schwarz's entire point in this book to say that women must like porn because they get aroused, she merely offers womens responses to XXX videos as a different viewpoint and relationship possibility, the same as she does with the other points she cites. I can personally vouch that I and my girlfriend love erotica, both in book and film form, and often use it as a way to enhance our healthy sex life. And I don't expect my partner to act as porn actresses do and feel pleasure every time, and if she doesn't I don't become violent...instead it gives us more an opportunity to talk and touch and cuddle. We're both intelligent enough to know that XXX movies are fantasy based and used for imagery and not as guidelines or instruction aids.

I recommend this book to anyone who feels like something is "missing" from their relationship...it gives a good reassurance that they are not alone in their feelings and that human emotions are as varied as individuals...and it is not wrong to feel in the way she describes, and possibly not even wrong to act on the feelings if you choose to...but again, this is only a viewpoint book, not advice-giving or instruction (much like XXX films are viewpoints on fantasy sex).

I thought this book was insightful and funny. A great reminder not to take things too seriously and to enjoy relationships! A great book to read with your girlfriends! I've already bought copies for Christmas gifts for my best friends who definately need to see that certain myths are MYTHS!!! Enjoy!

I love Dr. Schwartz. At the University of Washington in the `80s, she and Philip Blumstein did the definitive research on bi women and later wrote a great examination of married life. This book, however is beneath that standard. The 25 "myths" she debunks are more pop culture and less science. I got the distinct impression that she phoned in a paycheck.

If you want to read her better work on love and marriage, find an old copy of their opus, "American Couples: Money, Work and Sex."

At the age of 60, and in the 13th year of my 3rd marriage, (the first for 10 years and the second for 5 years), "Dr. Pepper's" carefully considered and well researched revelations about "love and sex" will resonate its truths for anyone who reads this book. Or if the truth of her assertions doesn't ring right for you, if they sound "off base" this book opens up the possibility of a really different and authoritative way of looking at relationship myths. It is surprising how often our assumptions about what works and doesn't work are derived from unconscious acceptance of the way people are supposed to behave as opposed to the way they actually behave. This book is not about Pepper's opinions so much as it is about her opinions based on actual research, intimate inquiries she has made to people who trusted her with honest answers. Trust, honesty, and forthrightness...the key values that create a strong and vibrant intimacy in couples as well as the values that bind our country together as one of the strongest nations in the world. Books like this are rare and exciting. Read it.

Pepper Schwartz, PhD
Everything You Know about Love and Sex is Wrong:
Twenty-five Relationship Myths Redefined
to Achieve Happiness and Fulfillment in Your Intimate Life

(New York: Putnam: [...], 2000) 277 pages
(ISBN: 0-399-14655-5; hardcover)
(Library of Congress call number: HQ801.S4398 2000)

This book deals with some of the most common problems in loving relationships.
Each can be dealt with by itself.
Thus the book can be read in any order.
The advice is solid but not very deep.
And there is no comprehensive concept of loving relationships.
A quick check of the Internet will disclose the exact content of each chapter.
Each theme is illustrated by real-life examples
of couples who suffered that problem and/or discovered what works for them.

Having read this book and the review by John Guttman, I cannot agree with the points made in opposition to the conclusion of Dr, Schwartz. First, the education of sexual issues is, indeed, erroroneous for most adults and relates to the sexual values of our parents, not ourselves. For the most part, I found the book to be honest and daring in trying to illustrate the difficulties of engaging in sexual relationships.

I believe the style of Dr.Schwartz is agressive, thought provoking and new age in terms of our sexual evolution. She takes us to places wehre we cannot go alone.....and makes us feel at ease about this exploration.

Unlike Dr. Guttman, sexual experiences lead us to an educational process that helps the developement of character and soul and causes us to feel comefort with issues regarding sex, sex play, sexual preference and sexual dysfunction. It is all a part of the Sexual scheme of life.

I believe this is an excellent book for understanding the sexuality of human character.

Not only is she a relationship expert but she knows how to write a captivating book and give you unique insight into your relationship, your partner and yourself.

Having had the opportunity to meet her in person, I was thrilled to read her books ...