Customer Reviews

The Eye of Argon

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4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

Truly the worst-written piece of fiction ever, this is a story you just can't put down. Burdened with layer upon layer of bad description, stilted dialogue, and pointless drivel, as well as reeking of adolescent hormones, this really really wanted to be the next Conan the Barbarian.

It wasn't.

With spelling that changes with every sentence (much like Elizabethan texts, but at least spelling had not yet been standardized then) and punctuation that seems mostly random, this can a challenge to read. But read it you must...if you can see through laughter-induced tears.

In fairness to the author, he was very young and tried very hard when he wrote this (his use of a thesaurus could be considered legendary), and it shows. No one could deliberately write this as bad fiction and be so successful. For those who have encountered The "Eye of Argon" at conventions or on the web, this is a book to be treasured, and to be shared. Why not gift a copy to your favorite sci-fi or fantasy enthusiast?

For Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans, a wonderful "MSTing" of this by Adam Cadre was posted on the rec.arts.sf.written newsgroup in 1996. Once you have read the book, search for one of the many copies of that version on the web and laugh yourself silly all over again.

There's no denying it; Jim Theis's little book probably includes some of the worst prose in history. It's ridden with cliche, the grammar and spelling are a horrible botch, and what is done to innocent similes has got to be read to be believed.

Yet for decades after it was written, mimeographed and photocopied versions of the manuscript circulated at science-fiction conventions, where it often featured in contests to see who could read the largest sections without breaking into helpless laughter.

For The Eye of Argon is incredibly funny. The 16-year-old that Theis was when he wrote it probably did not intend it to be funny, but it is, and should be appreciated as such. I just hope that the publisher of the current, nicely-bound edition wasn't foolish enough to try to have its editors eliminate the spelling and punctuation errors, for those add to the tale's charm.

If you doubt this; try this experiment. Google for "Eye of Argon". There are copies of the manuscript on line. Try to read it. Out loud. Preferably at a party, after a few beers. That's the best way to appreciate this strange little work.

That's right, this is the worst story ever written. At the very least, the worst story ever to see the light of day. The plot is confused and clichéd, the characters at most one-dimensional, the language mangled nearly beyond recognition. It has been described as having been written by a teenager with three thesauruses and no dictionary. Every part of it is cringeworthy.

Nevertheless, it is worth reading (though not, perhaps, worth paying $8 for... especially as it is available on the internet). The manner of reading is important, however, for reading this monstrosity alone is pointless. Instead, gather a good-sized group of friends together, and sit in a circle. Have one person start reading, making sure to pronounce everything as written. When the reader laughs (or makes a mistake), he or she passes the story to the next person, and so on. I have seen some people so overcome that they were unable to get through a single sentence, or even a single word.

"The Eye of Argon" is a legendary piece of fiction. It may look like just another lame "Conan the Barbarian" ripoff...

... but it isn't. This is the Holy Grail of wretched fantasy, the Excalibur of excrescent writing, the purest form of terrible writing that makes Edward Bulwer-Lytton look like Shakespeare. Jim Theis' legendary novella butchers the English language and wallows in the blood -- and I defy anyone to read this story in one sitting without experiencing fatal brain meltage.

It is the story of Grignr (how do you say that anyway?), a barbarian who hacks'n'slashes his way to the city of Gorzam, "hoping to discover wine, women, and adventure to boil the wild blood coarsing through his savage veins." Yeah, whatever. So he starts a fight over some random "wench" in Gorzam, and ends up sitting in prison while a bunch of priests try to rape and sacrifice a girl. Of course, he starts causing trouble like all hot-blooded barbarians do.

Well, that's sort of the story -- if you can call it a story, which is difficult to do because frankly Theis seems to have made it up as he went along. Admittedly he was only sixteen when he wrote "Eye of Argon," but let's face it -- there isn't a single solitary SENTENCE in this book that doesn't make me want to stab myself in the brain with a fork.

Not that that's always a BAD thing. In fact, "Eye of Argon" is gutsplittingly funny and is used as a sort of genre joke.

Most of this comes from the way that Jim Theis... well, he did to the English language what Carthena does to the evil priest. Just look at the very first scene of the book. We've got a "misting brain," "grinding lungs" and "writhing mouths," not to mention "Grignr's emerald green orbs glared lustfully at the wallowing soldier." So, he's sexually attracted to the guy he just killed?

And it's like that ALL THROUGH THE BOOK. Random adjectives are slapped around (a girl has a "lithe, opaque nose"), verbs are slaughtered (Carthena "husked" a remark), adverbs are beaten senseless (how do you ask something "bustily?") and the dialogue may cause your eyeballs to bleed. Who could write a line like, "You make love well, wench"?

But let's be honest here -- this book would be a disaster even if Theis weren't that bad a writer -- the "plot" is incoherent and apparently made-up as it goes along, with absurd plot twists (killing people with a RAT PELVIS?) and long infodumps of boring blabber. What's more: it doesn't even have an end.

Even if they tried their hardest, most people couldn't write a story as hilariously, mind-blowingly horrible as "The Eye of Argon." Warning: if you read it, you might end up worming agonizingly as you utter a gasping gurgle.

I heard all these bad reviews from the other reviewers and I wasn't sure I should buy this, but my friend convinced me I should. I'm not sure why everyone hates this book. I mean, sure it's a little cheesy, but Jim Theis was just 16! We forgave Christopher Paolini for far worse for the exact same reason, didn't we? This book has heart-stopping adventure, cool scenes, and even a little sex. It's great for everyone who likes these barbarian fantasy type stories.

I have just spent the last week, or so, reading The Eye of Argon and it was the most difficult thing which I have ever read. It was not challenging from an intellectual or conceptual approach, it was a painful trap of typographical errors and misplaced modifiers. I dare to compare The Eye of Argon to James Joyce's Dubliners, stories about drunks, swindlers, unhappy young brides and generally miserable people. The Eye of Argon was as painful to read as Joyce's close up of cultural misery.

While Joyce challenges us to investigate our surroundings and origins more closely, The Eye of Argon has taught me not to investigate bad pulp fiction too closely. From now on, I'll be inclined to believe internet reports of really bad pulp fiction and avoid the work in question. (Unless the work in question was spawned from the mind of Mr. L. Fanthrope.) The Eye of Argon is actually available in a print now and I have to wonder if the typos have been corrected in the print edition, it might be handy to own a properly edited edition of this nightmare.

Nope. It just doesn't get any worse than this. Quite possibly the worst and lousiest piece of fiction ever to have been penned by the hand of man.(Or woman.)

The prose is absolutely horrific, raping the thesaurous at every opportunity and getting most of the words wrong at one point or another. Everything is written in the most abominable purple prose possible, with lots of gratuitous violence and sexuality thrown in.

Characters are one-dimensional, existing only for their purposes in the plot. Mostly, they're just random maniacs who fight to the death for the sake of Conan-for-dummies barbarian violence. On second thought, they aren't doing anything for the sake of plot. There barely is a plot. Just random happenings.

I could write an 800 word review on exactly how this abomination fails in every way imaginable, but it really isn't worth the effort. Use your imagination. The Eye of Argon is bad in every way possible. Think of a possible way for sword and sorcery fiction to do something wrong, and this story did it. You name it, the Eye of Argon does it bad. I'm serious, right down to freaking biology. Mr. Theis quite obviously failed biology class. How else do you explain one character's testicles being referred to as "urinary glands"?

This book is the worst, but the author isn't necessary the worst. He was, after all, only a teenager when he wrote it.(Though I started writing fantasy stories at 15 and wrote a few that, while horrible by my standards, are a hell of a lot better than this.)

Still, there is a little unintended comedy in here. Just try to read this seriously, with a straight face, in an epic voice. Chances are, anyone nearby you will die from laughter, if you don't choke on your own.