Customer Reviews

FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE:POSITIVE STEPS FOR PREVENTING DIVORCE AND PRESERVING A LASTING LOVE.

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My husband and I married in our mid thirties thinking we had a lock on good communication skills and knowing we were mature enough to really make this marriage work. Nonetheless, it wasn't long before we were "mired in muck". When a small conflict arose, we found ourselves so caught up in being right and fighting our point to the death that small events escalated into huge issues. We could feel the good things in our relationship slipping away and felt helpless to fix the problem. (This was AFTER reading probably 20 different books on marriage, doing the Barbara D'Angelis program, the Gary Smally Program, attending several couples workshops, etc.). Contemplating calling it quits on our marriage, I happened accross this book, loved it, then went to a PREP workshop. Our marriage is AWESOME. We actually know how to hear and be heard and have the skills to RESOLVE the conflicts. (By the way, note the "I". My spouse hasn't read the book and refused to go to the workshop.) I learned the skills and used them in our marriage and our relationship changed. It even works with kids, in-laws, co-workers.... Yippee!

This book is wonderful! My husband and I have read many marriage books throughout our 19 year marriage, and this one (read when we had been married for 13 years) made the biggest difference in our marriage. Though we thought we had become good at communicating, this book brought us to a whole new level. With the speaker-listener technique, the "speaker" feels such comfort in knowing that the other person has truly heard what he or she is trying to communicate. This is achieved by having the "listener" repeat back what the "speaker" has said without any judgement or defensiveness (this is key). The listener can find comfort in knowing that THEIR turn will come next, when they can then express their thoughts and feelings and even respond to the other person's original comments. There are certain "below the belt" comments that are prohibited, which lend a feeling of safety, so that one is not afraid to bring up volatile subjects. Often, before we read this book, I felt I had three choices if I was unhappy with something in our marriage. I could say nothing and put up with up it (bad choice #1.) I could talk to him about it as nicely as I could think of, but he was often defensive and would become angry and not open up and truly listen to what I was saying (bad choice #2.) Or, I could talk to him about it as nicely as I could think of, and he would see how his actions were hurtful and cry but not truly have understood enough to make much of a change in the future (bad choice #3.) This just made me sad and feel guilty and didn't change much about the situation. So, by implementing the ideas in this book, and adding a "Please do not get sad and cry" rule, it was as if a barrier on certain issues was FINALLY passed. If I could, I would buy this book for every married couple I know, those having trouble AND those who just want to enhance their already stable marriage.

I give this book a "5" on content, and a "2" in presentation. It is just too dense - - too hard to read. Couples in crisis don't need to know how to build the watch - they need to know the time.

So, in the interest of time, get a book by the same author, "12 Hours to a Great Marriage." It takes all this hard to digest theory and makes it workable. THEN, you can go back and read this theory after you've applied the good concepts.

I read the original version of this book at the library and bought my own copy because it was so helpful. The book explains specific negative patterns that develop in marriages, and gives specific, workable techniques to really resolve conflict and strenthen the relationship. Issues such as validation, rebuilding trust, building effective communication patterns, and enhancing the fun in the relationship are covered. I highly recommend this book for anyone in a serious relationship and I wish I had found it long ago. It is easy to read with many specific examples and humorous touches.

This book should be required reading for all couples getting married. If only I had read this book first, I could have avoided a lot of the bumps along the marital journey and saved myself and my spouse a lot of grief. Based on sound research and full of excerpts from real couples' lives, this book is now my favorite gift to newlyweds. It gives you great comfort to know that the arguments you and your spouse have occur in all marriages at different times. I highly recommend this to anyone who is looking at making their marriage last for the long haul!

This book helped us identify negative patterns in our marriage and by follwing the practical advise, we really raised our communication to the next level. All couples will fight, learn how to do it productively!

This is a fabulous book on how to communicate and get along. It is jam-packed with tons of DETAILED examples of good and bad conversations. This is not a book about theoretical relationship issues, but about the common issues that confront all of us. The book gives you detailed, common-sense, practical steps on how to communicate better and get along better. And then it illustrates the concepts heavily, so you know how to put the suggestions into practice.

The book is also very interactive. It gives you many quizzes, questions to answer and exercises - almost like a workbook. There's plenty here for you and your partner to learn, to talk about and then to practice. If you like books that give specific suggestions, samples and ways to apply the concepts directly to your life, you'll love this book.

The book is balanced, non-judgemental, matter-of-fact and not religious at all (despite the chapter on spiritual intimacy). Like many other reviewers on this site, I think I will give this book to friends who are getting married.

Overall, it was very good especially if you can get your spouse to read it with you and actually try the suggestions given. Now if only one of you are reading the book it also works in a viewpoint that you'll understand where you stand and how he/she may be reacting to the discussion, disagreement or whatever. For example, you'll notice that when one of you walks away or stays quiet while the other is trying to solve the problem then instead of thinking he/she isn't paying attention you may say to yourself he/she is now withdrawing so let me put this off until we are both open to listening and discussing the situation. Many points in the book were very helpful in making sense of how men and women view things in a different light of importance. The book is not only good for couples but for singles as well, Marriage is a TEAM that works best when you can communicate and learn that you go from I, ME to US and WE. I recommend it - great insights even better if you can convice the other to join you in reading it together.

This book was cowritten by Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg, and Howard J. Markman. The inclusion of Howard Markman is noteworthy because Dr. Markman is an accomplished, highly regarded research clinician in the field of marriage and relationships. In this book, the authors attempt to teach the basics of successful communication within a love relationship. To do this, marital problems and communications breakdowns are described and analyzed.

What distinguishes this book is that it doesn't just tell the reader what is needed for better communication. The book also teaches by example the steps to understanding and being understood. The authors use a variety of descriptions, explanations, and techniques to reinforce their teachings.

There is, in fact, so much good material within the pages of Fighting For Your Marriage that it can sometimes feel overwhelming. It is perhaps the layout rather than the amount of content that causes this problem. The information is presented almost textbook-like and is therefore somewhat challenging to read. Instead of getting to the heart of an issue, there is a great deal of beating around the bush. This can frustrate and aggravate the reader wanting to get information and advice he/she can apply right away.

Nevertheless, when you look beyond the formatting, the material itself is very worthwhile for the lessons it teaches on improving your relationships. The book teaches you how to improve your listening skills. Furthermore, it provides effective tools for handling disagreements. Finally, to keep the book from being too ponderous, the authors attempted some levity throughout the book. The result is a book that is not an easy read; it is a book that takes some effort to work through.

Overall, it may seem quite a challenge to use this book if you're just beginning your research on relationships and communications. However, if you're already somewhat skilled in good communication techniques, then this book could be a worthwhile addition to your relationship library.

This guide to dealing with strife in relationships would be a great asset to not only the long married couple with deep rooted problems, but especially to those newly married or just engaged. The processes used in the book really open the eyes of both partners to the hidden issues that lie behind many of the blow ups or spats that occur. You learn how to recognize those things that alter your perspective on the issues you are "discussing", and how to effectively communicate your feelings and position without being mis-interpreted. You and your partner will both feel more undersood, and you'll be better able to make the compromises that are neccessary when you want your relationship to last.