Customer Reviews

Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love

5 star:		(48)
4 star:		(14)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(4)

 

 

I found this book well written and comprehensive, but what was the most moving to me was the way in which it touched the most painful and sad and hidden part of my relationships. Not only does it talk about me and why I do this, but it clearly talks about my partner(s) and what they seek in this valiant but destructive and Quixotic dance we do. I did not need my highlighter, as my tears did the highlighting on each and every page. Strangely, the more I read into the book the more soothed I felt in that I understood, finally, that I am not alone, that I needn't be alone and that there is a way out from this. If you suffer in relationships in the dramatic push-pull way, if the relationships you have are frought with complicated manipulations, if you want a way out...please read this book. Best of luck. Tim

This book was recommended by my therapist. After going thru the whole book and writing all the exercises, I have unlocked and unloaded a ton of childhood pain and trauma. You will shed floods of tears and feel terrible feelings you have buried, but this process is like the purging of toxins so you can begin to heal.

One customer commented that the author didn't offer any recovery tools. I'd like to offer my experience: The most important recovery tool is to develop a relationship with a Higher Power that is not a person or object. For if you do not have a Higher Power, you will turn to a person or object for that love, which will result in addiction.

From time to time, during recovery, painful feelings will surface, triggered by whatever or whomever you're dealing with day to day. When I was in a relationship, it was hard because I couldn't get away easily to process the triggered feelings. The book offers suggestions which are good, but not that easy to do for me. Now that I'm not in that relationship, I've followed my therapist's suggestion to identify the triggering event, the root cause (usually from your childhood), and replace the painful feeling with thoughts, words, and deeds that make me feel better. This 3-step process takes tremendous discipline because many times I just want to stick to my lifelong habit of self-pity, depression, and pessimism.

I also begin my day with one hour of Prayer Walk. I meditate every day to empty my mind, and infuse my being with God's love. Since I've been doing recovery, I have stopped crying over loneliness, stopped longing for that "soulmate", and stopped the frantic search. After all, you are your true soulmate, because if you can't love you, no one can. Everyone accesses their Higher Power differently, but the most important thing is to receive all the love you need from your Higher Power. Without doing so, you will forever rely on a created being or thing for love, and be constantly frustrated because of his/its limitations.

Before reading Pia Mellody's book, I was attracted to men who were challenging, difficult, complex, and provocative, which I found fascinating, but they in fact were unstable, emotionally melodramatic, and abusive. Now when I meet men who are intense, I feel less attraction, perhaps because I have processed my childhood trauma wounds and lowered my degree of intensity, becoming more at peace with myself. Today I see these people as wounded, just unaware of it. I know I can choose peace, not conflict; joy, not suffering; gentleness, not intensity.

The book says "Love addicts are attracted to men who walk away from them." That was very true of me. But to change that, I had to open my wounds, clean them out, identify the pain, and patiently wait for the wounds to heal.

I hope the pain you're feeling will be enough of a wakeup call to begin this journey.

I read this book about four or five years ago, and it helped me understand, in a way that nothing had before, why my relationships were not working. I have read several books on building healthy relationships, and many are good, but this is the one that saved my life. Pia's model explains that while I was searching for love, I was really much more afraid to receive it than I had ever thought. Before I read it, I hadn't been able to sustain any relationship for long, and had never been close to marriage. Now I am happily married, and I still turn to this book for tune-ups in my marriage. Thank you Pia, very much!

I am greatful to have found this book for diagnosis sake, but I don't feel equipped to conquer the problem based solely on the tools that Melody outlined. The book is essentially written in two parts. The first part describes the cycle of love addiction, what causes it, what we as love addicts need, and why what we're doing to meet these needs isn't working and will never work. As I read it, I thought "Finally someome understands me better than I understand myself! I've found help!" But the second half was a let-down. It suggested doing writing assignments, using self-control, keeping a journal and giving your problem up to a higher power. I've written hundreds of pages about my relationship problems and my cooresponding feelings, I keep a journal and I've prayed about this for years and so far it hasn't helped me. It doesn't mean I won't do the assignments she suggests, but I seriously doubt that they alone are going to transform my life. The book further suggests counseling, but doesn't offer suggestions about where to find an expert, and this is not the kind of problem your average therapist is trained to deal with. I know that from 24 years worth of therapy. This book is a wonderful first step, but it's not a do-it-yourself guide to recovery. It doesn't provide you with the tools or the answers beyond the rudimentary situations and questions and it doesn't tell you where to go for more help. (FYI: Melody is on staff at a treatment facility in Arizona, the Meadows, which specializes in treating love addiction, (among other addictions) but she doesn't mention anything about that in the book, including the kind of treatment offered there, which is unfortunate) Still, I would recommend this book to anyone who even thinks they might be a love addict, because after reading it you will know for sure and you will feel more hopeful about your future than you ever have.

I learned that I was a love addict about 12 years ago. However, I did not truly find out what was behind my love addiction - the childhood trauma and abuse until I read 'Facing Love Addiction'. It is the ONLY book that I have read on love addiction that gives the reader necessary information on both sides of this addiction. For me, I needed to know why my former partner was the way he was and this book explains it perfectly. She shares explicitly of her own experiences which helped me immensely and she also adds humor to an addiction that is well beyond 'painful' in it's active state. After reading this book 3 times, I decided that I wanted to have the opportunity to work directly with Pia in her love addiction workshop at The Meadows. That was 4 years ago and it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. This is a complicated, excrutiatingly painful addiction and yet I found that there was hope and I found the light at the end of the tunnel. This is a book that I recommend over and over and over to those people just awakening to the fact that they are most likely love addicts. Pia does not sugarcoat anything and yet at the same time shows the utmost of genuine caring because she has been there herself.....

Holy Moley,

I just didn't know until I read this book. This book clearly illustrated to me just what I've been doing in relationships that get me into trouble. It doesn't stop there either.

While reading, I could begin to see the shroud of darkness lift from my eyes, and clarity begin to set in. I am a love addict, and have been picking avoidant addicts for years and never knew it. Now I can see the reasons for the pain I was forced to endure. I am now happily on the road to recovery.

If you have any questions at all about your troubled relationships of the present or past, buy this book!

This is a brilliant and raw book on a toxic problem that both genders face - addiction to romance and "love" that is really a form of excitement. Anyone in recovery would benefit from this and from Pia's clinical workshops. Culture and society trains people to seek love and security and self-worth through a romantic partnership. Within sound and grounded thinking this is a complement to a full life. But all addiction is an ultimate highway to chaos and self-destruction. Tuning out and tuning into ourselves is the greatest gift we can do to heal the wounds and pain that anihilate our self-respect.

Love addiction is emotional cocaine. Stay away!

I read this book concurrently with another book by Pia,
Facing Codependency. For that reason I see them as "one book".
However, the marriage of the two "picked the lock" of a stubborn
problem in my life. They helped me move from a lifelong pattern
of destructive relationships with men and women, to a much
more satisfying way of living. I did the writing exercises
and wept copiously. This book worked me hard, but it helped
me more than any others. Read it with my blessings, love
and compassion for your pain.

For many, love addiction goes un-noticed for years, creating unhappy relationships of a push me-pull me type of cycle. This book describes the stages of the cycles clearly. The author describes the love addict and the avoidence addict and their emotional cycles, then offers the steps necessary for recovery. This book has helped many of my clients to identify their patterns and move forward. I highly recommend this book. Gail Fo

This was the second book by Pia Mellody that I've read. In it she defines who a love addict is as well as the type of person such an addict latches on to (the love avoidant), she describes the addictive process created between the two, the recovery process and what a healthy relationship looks like.

I was less thrilled about this book than either of the other ones (Facing Codependence, The Intimacy Factor) not because it's less good in any way but because I'm (thank the goddesses) only slightly love addicted (lol), I think.

What the book did for me was that it made me more aware of dysfunctional patterns in my love life. Some areas of my relationship are very functional but others aren't and now I have a better understanding of how they work the way they do and why.
It was also very interesting to learn that you can be both a love addict and a love avoidant in your relationship depending on the situation at hand.
Pia also gives many guidelines on how to act. Becoming aware of a problem doesn't mean you see a solution. Therefore Pia explains how to deal with the urge to fall back into your old behaviors and I find these steps work to address any kind of issue. She explains how to make requests and how to deal with your emotions.

Besides those strategies I just mentioned I valued the book most for the depiction of what a healthy relationship should look like and Pat Mellody's essay on unrealistic expectations. I found myself struggling with the question of what are realistic and unrealistic expectations. How well does your partner have to meet your needs to qualify as the one you want to stand by? How little does your partner need to meet your needs to qualify? When is it ok to want more? When is enough?

If I hadn't known already what codependence is I would not have gotten the message of this book. I didn't consider myself love addicted and still struggle with the concept for myself. It's not that the book isn't well written but that I believe one has to be open to its message that makes me suggest reading The Intimacy Factor and then Facing Codependence first before reading this book.