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Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons: How to Find Your Soul Mate Hardcover – January 5, 2005


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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 233 pages
  • Publisher: Center Street; First Edition edition (January 5, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0446576859
  • ISBN-13: 978-0446576857
  • Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.2 x 1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds
  • Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (47 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #387,146 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Dr. Neil Clark Warren is the mastermind behind eHarmony.com—an Internet matchmaking service that encourages readers to find "true love" rather than a slew of Saturday night dates. His basic shtick is that "broad-based compatibility" is the glue for making a partnership loving and lasting. Falling in Love offers 29 "dimensions of compatibility" to consider before committing to a romantic relationship. His formula is so, well, formulaic, it threatens to take all the mysticism and romance out of finding a soul mate. That’s fine with Warren, who believes that readers who screen partners for compatibility will fare much better than spirit-struck lovers who base commitments on profound immediate attraction. 

Warren begins with weeding out bad characters. "If one of the partners in a relationship lies, cheats, or steals, that bad character will eventually undermine the relationship." Even if you’re not the victim of these behaviors, you will be, claims Warren. So run, don’t walk from the relationship. Seems like obvious common sense. Yet advice columnist are constantly answering letters from unhappily married men and women, complaining about these very forms of broken trust.  Warren also encourages readers to stop ignoring the early "red flags" of addictive personalities and psychological issues, such as chronic depression. Demand that the partner commit to professional help before you go any further with the relationship, he advises. Other compatibility issues include anger management, sexual passion, and family planning.

While his advice is solid, it is conservative. For instance, he does not address homosexual love or allow homosexual partnering on his web site. Also, most of the discussion is geared toward traditional marriage as the final goal. --Gail Hudson

From Publishers Weekly

If you’re looking for your soul mate, you’ve probably heard of eHarmony.com, the online dating service founded by psychotherapist Warren and which he claims has resulted in 2,000 marriages. Here he shares the eHarmony.com formula, which consists of 29 personal dimensions that Warren says determine whether two people are compatible; they range from the obvious, like intellect, sense of humor and character, to more nuanced qualities like one’s sense of curiosity and level of artistic passion. Warren evaluates how important each dimension is (e.g., "Most people with strong artistic bents simply must be paired with partners who have similar interests") and how they can affect a relationship. Warren offers real-life stories to show how these dimensions play out in relationships, describing, for instance, the tensions created by mismatched energy levels, when one partner is full of get-up-and-go and the other is a couch potato. Warren’s dimensions of compatibility will ring true to those seeking not just a hot romance but a stable, long-term relationship.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

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Customer Reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
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This book will help you find a long-lasting relationship.
Jian Gao
I highly recommend this book for anyone considering a relationship or for someone who is contemplating whether or not the relationship one is in is a good one.
wearymama
People need to know how to find someone who is a good fit for them rather than try to contort themselves to fit someone else's expectations.
Joe G. Hill Jr.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

192 of 202 people found the following review helpful By John Zxerce on December 22, 2004
Format: Hardcover
First of all, I appreciate Dr. Warren's goal of courtship ending in marriage. This of course stands out from the vast majority of `dating books' which often seem to present dating as an end in itself. There are no `ten keys to hot romance' in this book. Rather, Warren's purpose is to address compatibility and marriage.

In short, his realistic approach is refreshing. He doesn't buy into the pop-culture idea that each person is looking for the one person on the planet they were destined for from eternity past.

Warren writes, "Surprisingly, many singles hold to the notion-either consciously or subconsciously-that there is one perfect, preordained partner for them. They were made for each other, the thinking goes, and they must simply locate this person or forever feel incomplete.... But, frankly, I think this idea is more fantasy than reality, more storybook whimsy than real-world wisdom." And I believe he's right.

Warren has an enormous bank of personal experience in both marriage and engagement counseling. He writes, "During my 35 years as a psychologist, I have counseled dozens of men and women who were convinced they'd married "the wrong person," but who then went on to create top-notch relationships."

His emphasis appears to be how a person finds the ideal person. However, that's fairly different than what the book presents. What he's really promoting is a common sense approach to finding a `compatible' person. With that said, I wish he had spent more time on how a person becomes more `compatible' themself.

With that said, Warren does touch on this topic. He writes, "I believe soul mates are made, not born. You start with the ingredients for a highly compatible, successful relationship, and then you work to develop closeness and intimacy.
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77 of 80 people found the following review helpful By Librarian from NC on March 17, 2005
Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
Amid the plethora of books on the market that advise singles on how to find and keep Mr. or Miss Right, here is one that is an absolutely must-read for anyone serious about finding the best person with whom to pursue a marriage relationship.

Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons is by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, a clinical psychologist and the founder of eHarmony.com, a popular dating site that uses a scientific approach to matchmaking. The site matches subscribers based on 29 dimensions of compatibility, each of which is discussed in detail in the book. The dimensions were developed using the results of an empirical study surveying over 5,000 married couples.

The first chapter of the book gives a background on the history and development of eHarmony.com. For the meat and potatoes of the book, move on to Chapter 2, where the discussion of the 29 dimensions begins. Dr. Warren divides the dimensions into four groups. Each of the dimensions is given a chapter in which it is thoroughly discussed.

The Screening Dimensions

The Screening Dimensions are the 7 which are more or less the basic minimum of compatibility dimensions, those that can make or break a relationship in a hurry. These include such traits as good character, anger management, and family background.

The Core Personal Dimensions

The Core Personal Dimensions are the second group of 16 dimensions. These are qualities that tend to be deeply ingrained in a person and are difficult to change. Examples are intellect, spirituality, appearance, sense of humor, ambition, and sexual passion.

Skills That Can Be Developed

The next 3 dimensions are not necessarily permanent traits, but rather, they are skills that can be honed with time and effort.
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47 of 50 people found the following review helpful By Patrick D. Goonan on September 6, 2006
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I do life coaching and public speaking for a living, including in the areas of relationship and sexuality. I have read a lot of books on both of these topics and was very pleasantly surprised that this was a solidly written book and not just a lot of hype.

One of the things I most liked about this book was the emphasis on character. Dr. Warren was very direct about what constitutes good character, the likely outcome of dating people with characters disorders and the pivotal importance of being authentic and not dating people who lie.

The author also stressed the importance of compatibility. A lot of people work too hard at relationship because fundamentally, they are not compatible. If they were, things would go a lot easier. There is a section in the book that breaks down compatibility into a number of different dimensions that I thought were an extremely useful lens for people to use when looking for a serious partner.

I also liked the sections on sex and the healthy expression of sexuality. Dr. Warren points out that premature sexuality can often blind you to character faults and compatibility issues. While this is difficult to swallow for a lot of people, it sure seems to be true. He also talks about the importance of sex and sexual compatibility from a space of someone with a lot of experience counseling couples.

The appendices in the book are just as valuable as the text. I particularly liked his sections on the "must haves" and "can't haves." When many people are dating, they are not conscious of what their non-negotiables are and enter into relationship where there are a lot of good things, but one essential ingredient is missing. This is a very seductive dynamic, especially when the beginning of the relationship feels soooo good.
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