Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons: How to Find Your Soul Mate [Paperback]

Neil Clark Warren (Author), Ken Abraham (Contributor)

Book Description

Publication Date: December 13, 2005

Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, offers essential information allowing singles to immediately gauge whether a prospective mate is truly compatible, avoid the emotional pain of spending years with the wrong person, and be confident that the love they've found will last.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Dr. Neil Clark Warren is the mastermind behind eHarmony.com—an Internet matchmaking service that encourages readers to find "true love" rather than a slew of Saturday night dates. His basic shtick is that "broad-based compatibility" is the glue for making a partnership loving and lasting. Falling in Love offers 29 "dimensions of compatibility" to consider before committing to a romantic relationship. His formula is so, well, formulaic, it threatens to take all the mysticism and romance out of finding a soul mate. That’s fine with Warren, who believes that readers who screen partners for compatibility will fare much better than spirit-struck lovers who base commitments on profound immediate attraction. 

Warren begins with weeding out bad characters. "If one of the partners in a relationship lies, cheats, or steals, that bad character will eventually undermine the relationship." Even if you’re not the victim of these behaviors, you will be, claims Warren. So run, don’t walk from the relationship. Seems like obvious common sense. Yet advice columnist are constantly answering letters from unhappily married men and women, complaining about these very forms of broken trust.  Warren also encourages readers to stop ignoring the early "red flags" of addictive personalities and psychological issues, such as chronic depression. Demand that the partner commit to professional help before you go any further with the relationship, he advises. Other compatibility issues include anger management, sexual passion, and family planning.

While his advice is solid, it is conservative. For instance, he does not address homosexual love or allow homosexual partnering on his web site. Also, most of the discussion is geared toward traditional marriage as the final goal. --Gail Hudson --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Publishers Weekly

If you’re looking for your soul mate, you’ve probably heard of eHarmony.com, the online dating service founded by psychotherapist Warren and which he claims has resulted in 2,000 marriages. Here he shares the eHarmony.com formula, which consists of 29 personal dimensions that Warren says determine whether two people are compatible; they range from the obvious, like intellect, sense of humor and character, to more nuanced qualities like one’s sense of curiosity and level of artistic passion. Warren evaluates how important each dimension is (e.g., "Most people with strong artistic bents simply must be paired with partners who have similar interests") and how they can affect a relationship. Warren offers real-life stories to show how these dimensions play out in relationships, describing, for instance, the tensions created by mismatched energy levels, when one partner is full of get-up-and-go and the other is a couch potato. Warren’s dimensions of compatibility will ring true to those seeking not just a hot romance but a stable, long-term relationship.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Center Street (December 13, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 044669388X
• ISBN-13: 978-0446693882
• Product Dimensions: 5.2 x 0.8 x 8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (28 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #68,710 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

186 of 196 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Compatability of the 'Soul Mate'!, December 22, 2004

By 

John Zxerce "[e-mail]" (Colorado ^^^) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons: How to Find Your Soul Mate (Hardcover)

First of all, I appreciate Dr. Warren's goal of courtship ending in marriage. This of course stands out from the vast majority of `dating books' which often seem to present dating as an end in itself. There are no `ten keys to hot romance' in this book. Rather, Warren's purpose is to address compatibility and marriage.

In short, his realistic approach is refreshing. He doesn't buy into the pop-culture idea that each person is looking for the one person on the planet they were destined for from eternity past.

Warren writes, "Surprisingly, many singles hold to the notion-either consciously or subconsciously-that there is one perfect, preordained partner for them. They were made for each other, the thinking goes, and they must simply locate this person or forever feel incomplete.... But, frankly, I think this idea is more fantasy than reality, more storybook whimsy than real-world wisdom." And I believe he's right.

Warren has an enormous bank of personal experience in both marriage and engagement counseling. He writes, "During my 35 years as a psychologist, I have counseled dozens of men and women who were convinced they'd married "the wrong person," but who then went on to create top-notch relationships."

His emphasis appears to be how a person finds the ideal person. However, that's fairly different than what the book presents. What he's really promoting is a common sense approach to finding a `compatible' person. With that said, I wish he had spent more time on how a person becomes more `compatible' themself.

With that said, Warren does touch on this topic. He writes, "I believe soul mates are made, not born. You start with the ingredients for a highly compatible, successful relationship, and then you work to develop closeness and intimacy. Does this mean you lower your standards when it comes to finding a partner? Absolutely not! It simply means you 'expand your field of vision.'"

I found the Appendix to be particularly helpful.
- Appendix A 'Three Secrets to a Great Relationship'
- Appendix B 'Twenty Question for Evaluation'
- Appendix C 'Items of Similarity or Difference in a Relationship'

In short, there's very little hype or unrealistic pie-in-the-sky promises made in the book. Rather, he shares reasonable principles culminated in a reasonable approach with reasonable expectations.

63 of 66 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars A must-read for any single looking to find a soul mate!, March 17, 2005

By 

Librarian from NC "Rachel" (Raleigh, NC) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons: How to Find Your Soul Mate (Hardcover)

Amid the plethora of books on the market that advise singles on how to find and keep Mr. or Miss Right, here is one that is an absolutely must-read for anyone serious about finding the best person with whom to pursue a marriage relationship.

Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons is by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, a clinical psychologist and the founder of eHarmony.com, a popular dating site that uses a scientific approach to matchmaking. The site matches subscribers based on 29 dimensions of compatibility, each of which is discussed in detail in the book. The dimensions were developed using the results of an empirical study surveying over 5,000 married couples.

The first chapter of the book gives a background on the history and development of eHarmony.com. For the meat and potatoes of the book, move on to Chapter 2, where the discussion of the 29 dimensions begins. Dr. Warren divides the dimensions into four groups. Each of the dimensions is given a chapter in which it is thoroughly discussed.

The Screening Dimensions
The Screening Dimensions are the 7 which are more or less the basic minimum of compatibility dimensions, those that can make or break a relationship in a hurry. These include such traits as good character, anger management, and family background.

The Core Personal Dimensions
The Core Personal Dimensions are the second group of 16 dimensions. These are qualities that tend to be deeply ingrained in a person and are difficult to change. Examples are intellect, spirituality, appearance, sense of humor, ambition, and sexual passion.

Skills That Can Be Developed
The next 3 dimensions are not necessarily permanent traits, but rather, they are skills that can be honed with time and effort. These dimensions are communication, conflict resolution, and sociability.

Qualities That Can Be Developed
The fourth and final group consists of 3 dimensions that are, as the name suggests, qualities that can be developed. These are adaptability, kindness, and dominance vs. submissiveness.

Though the book is no doubt a tool for marketing eHarmony, it contains sound advice, even for those with no interest in the eHarmony service. It is well worth reading because too often, singles in our society are given so little solid knowledge of how to find a mate. As an example of this, Dr. Warren relates the following story:

"Oh, I'll just know inside," one thirty-four year old man said when I asked him what standard he used in evaluating potential marriage partners. My dad always told me that I'd just know it deep down in my gut when the right woman comes along."

Isn't that ironic? That fellow's father probably spent more time teaching him how to tie his shoelaces than he spent teaching his son how to make the most important decision in his life.

I can't speak highly enough of this book. It isn't a book about how to get a date, or even how to attract a marriage partner. Instead, it is a guidebook for knowing exactly what elements are essential in a life-long partner. In a sense, it is a checklist to use when evaluating each and every potential relationship partner. Yes, perhaps having a checklist sounds unromantic, but in light of the fact that 75 percent of all marriages either end in divorce or unhappiness, evaluating a romantic partner based on these 29 dimensions makes perfect sense.

39 of 42 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent advice for people who want to get serious, September 6, 2006

By 

Patrick D. Goonan "see profile for URL" (Livermore, CA) - See all my reviews
(TOP 1000 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons: How to Find Your Soul Mate (Paperback)

I do life coaching and public speaking for a living, including in the areas of relationship and sexuality. I have read a lot of books on both of these topics and was very pleasantly surprised that this was a solidly written book and not just a lot of hype.

One of the things I most liked about this book was the emphasis on character. Dr. Warren was very direct about what constitutes good character, the likely outcome of dating people with characters disorders and the pivotal importance of being authentic and not dating people who lie.

The author also stressed the importance of compatibility. A lot of people work too hard at relationship because fundamentally, they are not compatible. If they were, things would go a lot easier. There is a section in the book that breaks down compatibility into a number of different dimensions that I thought were an extremely useful lens for people to use when looking for a serious partner.

I also liked the sections on sex and the healthy expression of sexuality. Dr. Warren points out that premature sexuality can often blind you to character faults and compatibility issues. While this is difficult to swallow for a lot of people, it sure seems to be true. He also talks about the importance of sex and sexual compatibility from a space of someone with a lot of experience counseling couples.

The appendices in the book are just as valuable as the text. I particularly liked his sections on the "must haves" and "can't haves." When many people are dating, they are not conscious of what their non-negotiables are and enter into relationship where there are a lot of good things, but one essential ingredient is missing. This is a very seductive dynamic, especially when the beginning of the relationship feels soooo good. However, it's like missing one essential vitamin; it will eventually catch up with you.

Also, there is a great no nonsense section on sexual chemistry. Dr. Warren doesn't side step this important area and he makes it very clear that this is what separates potential friends from potential partners. According to him, there must be sexual chemistry and you either have it or you don't. Without sexual chemistry, people often end up having affairs or feeling guilty that they are not attracted to their partners.

Overall, this book posits a conservative approach to dating. Many people won't be able to live up to all the advice, but the advice is sound and it makes good psychological sense. Some people will find the advice on sex overly conservative, but as adults we need to draw our own lines between the ideal and what is reasonable for ourselves. We don't necessarily have to embody the gold standard, but we can certainly aspire to it.

Another interesting part of this book was the section that stepped through each part of the traditional marriage vows and talked about what each means. The take away point, was not that you just promise to stay together, it's that you promise to do the work to love, honor and respect each other. This section which contained a lot of commentary was a useful reminder of examining your deep intention before taking a walk down the aisle with someone. Sometimes people think when they are just staying together they are keeping their vows, but Dr. Warren points to something more than this as truly living your commitment. I thought this was a good point to make, although in practice I believe that sometimes divorce is the best course for some people. On the other hand, I like that he emphasized that marriage isn't something to be entered into lightly and either is a serious relationship.

Dr. Warren talks a lot about eHarmony in his book and this can sometimes be annoying. I have never tried eHarmony or even looked at it in-depth online. However, whether that website is good or not, the book certainly is, so don't let any impressions you have of eHarmony get in the way of seriously evaluating this book.

In short, the advice in this book is good to keep on your radar with the understanding that life isn't perfect and ideals are often difficult to live up to. Even if you disagree with Dr. Warren, his words are good food for thought and you will at least have a heightened awareness of the trade-offs inherent to less conservative dating approaches.

This is not a book geared toward casual dating or casual sex. The audience is clearly people who are very serious about finding a lifelong partner. If you fall in that category, you can't go wrong. Another good book that complements this one is WILL OUR LOVE LAST by Sam Hamburg.

I don't agree with everything this author says and I don't think he factors in enough compassion for the human condition and the challenges of modern life, especially around getting needs for intimacy and sexuality met. However, there is a lot of wisdom here and anyone can benefit from it.

A problem of the modern world is that it's more complex to find a match than ever and it takes longer because people are more complicated and life is more demanding. While Dr. Warren gives excellent dating advice, he doesn't address how to meet your intimacy and sexual needs while you are involved in a lengthy search for a good partner. Let's face it; the kind of great partners that Dr. Warren is asking us to hold out for don't grow on trees. I wish he wrote section on friends, social support and other coping strategies for what to do in the meantime.