Customer Reviews

Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons: How to Find Your Soul Mate

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4 star:		(3)
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1 star:		(2)

 

 

First of all, I appreciate Dr. Warren's goal of courtship ending in marriage. This of course stands out from the vast majority of `dating books' which often seem to present dating as an end in itself. There are no `ten keys to hot romance' in this book. Rather, Warren's purpose is to address compatibility and marriage.

In short, his realistic approach is refreshing. He doesn't buy into the pop-culture idea that each person is looking for the one person on the planet they were destined for from eternity past.

Warren writes, "Surprisingly, many singles hold to the notion-either consciously or subconsciously-that there is one perfect, preordained partner for them. They were made for each other, the thinking goes, and they must simply locate this person or forever feel incomplete.... But, frankly, I think this idea is more fantasy than reality, more storybook whimsy than real-world wisdom." And I believe he's right.

Warren has an enormous bank of personal experience in both marriage and engagement counseling. He writes, "During my 35 years as a psychologist, I have counseled dozens of men and women who were convinced they'd married "the wrong person," but who then went on to create top-notch relationships."

His emphasis appears to be how a person finds the ideal person. However, that's fairly different than what the book presents. What he's really promoting is a common sense approach to finding a `compatible' person. With that said, I wish he had spent more time on how a person becomes more `compatible' themself.

With that said, Warren does touch on this topic. He writes, "I believe soul mates are made, not born. You start with the ingredients for a highly compatible, successful relationship, and then you work to develop closeness and intimacy. Does this mean you lower your standards when it comes to finding a partner? Absolutely not! It simply means you 'expand your field of vision.'"

I found the Appendix to be particularly helpful.
- Appendix A 'Three Secrets to a Great Relationship'
- Appendix B 'Twenty Question for Evaluation'
- Appendix C 'Items of Similarity or Difference in a Relationship'

In short, there's very little hype or unrealistic pie-in-the-sky promises made in the book. Rather, he shares reasonable principles culminated in a reasonable approach with reasonable expectations.

Amid the plethora of books on the market that advise singles on how to find and keep Mr. or Miss Right, here is one that is an absolutely must-read for anyone serious about finding the best person with whom to pursue a marriage relationship.

Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons is by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, a clinical psychologist and the founder of eHarmony.com, a popular dating site that uses a scientific approach to matchmaking. The site matches subscribers based on 29 dimensions of compatibility, each of which is discussed in detail in the book. The dimensions were developed using the results of an empirical study surveying over 5,000 married couples.

The first chapter of the book gives a background on the history and development of eHarmony.com. For the meat and potatoes of the book, move on to Chapter 2, where the discussion of the 29 dimensions begins. Dr. Warren divides the dimensions into four groups. Each of the dimensions is given a chapter in which it is thoroughly discussed.

The Screening Dimensions
The Screening Dimensions are the 7 which are more or less the basic minimum of compatibility dimensions, those that can make or break a relationship in a hurry. These include such traits as good character, anger management, and family background.

The Core Personal Dimensions
The Core Personal Dimensions are the second group of 16 dimensions. These are qualities that tend to be deeply ingrained in a person and are difficult to change. Examples are intellect, spirituality, appearance, sense of humor, ambition, and sexual passion.

Skills That Can Be Developed
The next 3 dimensions are not necessarily permanent traits, but rather, they are skills that can be honed with time and effort. These dimensions are communication, conflict resolution, and sociability.

Qualities That Can Be Developed
The fourth and final group consists of 3 dimensions that are, as the name suggests, qualities that can be developed. These are adaptability, kindness, and dominance vs. submissiveness.

Though the book is no doubt a tool for marketing eHarmony, it contains sound advice, even for those with no interest in the eHarmony service. It is well worth reading because too often, singles in our society are given so little solid knowledge of how to find a mate. As an example of this, Dr. Warren relates the following story:

"Oh, I'll just know inside," one thirty-four year old man said when I asked him what standard he used in evaluating potential marriage partners. My dad always told me that I'd just know it deep down in my gut when the right woman comes along."

Isn't that ironic? That fellow's father probably spent more time teaching him how to tie his shoelaces than he spent teaching his son how to make the most important decision in his life.

I can't speak highly enough of this book. It isn't a book about how to get a date, or even how to attract a marriage partner. Instead, it is a guidebook for knowing exactly what elements are essential in a life-long partner. In a sense, it is a checklist to use when evaluating each and every potential relationship partner. Yes, perhaps having a checklist sounds unromantic, but in light of the fact that 75 percent of all marriages either end in divorce or unhappiness, evaluating a romantic partner based on these 29 dimensions makes perfect sense.

I do life coaching and public speaking for a living, including in the areas of relationship and sexuality. I have read a lot of books on both of these topics and was very pleasantly surprised that this was a solidly written book and not just a lot of hype.

One of the things I most liked about this book was the emphasis on character. Dr. Warren was very direct about what constitutes good character, the likely outcome of dating people with characters disorders and the pivotal importance of being authentic and not dating people who lie.

The author also stressed the importance of compatibility. A lot of people work too hard at relationship because fundamentally, they are not compatible. If they were, things would go a lot easier. There is a section in the book that breaks down compatibility into a number of different dimensions that I thought were an extremely useful lens for people to use when looking for a serious partner.

I also liked the sections on sex and the healthy expression of sexuality. Dr. Warren points out that premature sexuality can often blind you to character faults and compatibility issues. While this is difficult to swallow for a lot of people, it sure seems to be true. He also talks about the importance of sex and sexual compatibility from a space of someone with a lot of experience counseling couples.

The appendices in the book are just as valuable as the text. I particularly liked his sections on the "must haves" and "can't haves." When many people are dating, they are not conscious of what their non-negotiables are and enter into relationship where there are a lot of good things, but one essential ingredient is missing. This is a very seductive dynamic, especially when the beginning of the relationship feels soooo good. However, it's like missing one essential vitamin; it will eventually catch up with you.

Also, there is a great no nonsense section on sexual chemistry. Dr. Warren doesn't side step this important area and he makes it very clear that this is what separates potential friends from potential partners. According to him, there must be sexual chemistry and you either have it or you don't. Without sexual chemistry, people often end up having affairs or feeling guilty that they are not attracted to their partners.

Overall, this book posits a conservative approach to dating. Many people won't be able to live up to all the advice, but the advice is sound and it makes good psychological sense. Some people will find the advice on sex overly conservative, but as adults we need to draw our own lines between the ideal and what is reasonable for ourselves. We don't necessarily have to embody the gold standard, but we can certainly aspire to it.

Another interesting part of this book was the section that stepped through each part of the traditional marriage vows and talked about what each means. The take away point, was not that you just promise to stay together, it's that you promise to do the work to love, honor and respect each other. This section which contained a lot of commentary was a useful reminder of examining your deep intention before taking a walk down the aisle with someone. Sometimes people think when they are just staying together they are keeping their vows, but Dr. Warren points to something more than this as truly living your commitment. I thought this was a good point to make, although in practice I believe that sometimes divorce is the best course for some people. On the other hand, I like that he emphasized that marriage isn't something to be entered into lightly and either is a serious relationship.

Dr. Warren talks a lot about eHarmony in his book and this can sometimes be annoying. I have never tried eHarmony or even looked at it in-depth online. However, whether that website is good or not, the book certainly is, so don't let any impressions you have of eHarmony get in the way of seriously evaluating this book.

In short, the advice in this book is good to keep on your radar with the understanding that life isn't perfect and ideals are often difficult to live up to. Even if you disagree with Dr. Warren, his words are good food for thought and you will at least have a heightened awareness of the trade-offs inherent to less conservative dating approaches.

This is not a book geared toward casual dating or casual sex. The audience is clearly people who are very serious about finding a lifelong partner. If you fall in that category, you can't go wrong. Another good book that complements this one is WILL OUR LOVE LAST by Sam Hamburg.

I don't agree with everything this author says and I don't think he factors in enough compassion for the human condition and the challenges of modern life, especially around getting needs for intimacy and sexuality met. However, there is a lot of wisdom here and anyone can benefit from it.

A problem of the modern world is that it's more complex to find a match than ever and it takes longer because people are more complicated and life is more demanding. While Dr. Warren gives excellent dating advice, he doesn't address how to meet your intimacy and sexual needs while you are involved in a lengthy search for a good partner. Let's face it; the kind of great partners that Dr. Warren is asking us to hold out for don't grow on trees. I wish he wrote section on friends, social support and other coping strategies for what to do in the meantime.

Online dating probably isn't for everybody, but it certainly worked for me . . . after all, that is how I met Cynthia--my beautiful bride-to-be.

That is why I also found myself drawn to the book, FALLING IN LOVE FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS by Dr. Neil Clark Warren . . . its subtitle, in particular, caught my attention: HOW TO FIND YOUR SOUL MATE.

I wanted to see if Warren, founder of [...], could help me understand why Cynthia and I have clicked the way we have . . . furthermore, I wanted to see if Warren's concept
of a soul mate matched mine . . . methinks it does.

As he notes:
A soul mate is to his or her soul mate as a Mercedes Benz automobile door is to the Mercedes auto frame. They fit together perfectly; they match. You wouldn't want to put a Chrysler door on a Mercedes car; you wouldn't even want to put a Cadillac, Lexus or a BMW door on the Mercedes body. Although each one may be a marvelous door in its own right, it would not be the perfect match for the Mercedes automobile.

Warren presents a very practical guide for finding true love, including:
* The 29 dimensions of compatibility--the foolproof test to determine
if two people will be happy together;
* Your core personal dimensions--the 16 factors that can make or
break your relationship; and
* The "marriage killers"--the red flags you can spot during your fist
two dates.

There were many memorable passages; among them:
How does the person you are considering as a potential marriage partner deal with anger? Does he have his temper under control? Anger mismanagement causes more divorces, I believe, than any other single factor. Many people simply cannot handle their anger,
and they take it out on their spouses. Sadly, husbands often take out their anger on their wives, and wives often take out their anger on the children, thus perpetuating a downward spiral into the next generation. Anger, of course, is often the means a person uses to
attempt to handle his or her pain. But it can destroy an otherwise good relationship if it is not expressed correctly.

As I mentioned previously, I'm convinced that the selection of a marriage partner is the most important, far-reaching decision you will ever make. Let me tell you why. For the rest of your life, every day, you will wake up with this person; much of your day will revolve around this person in one way or another, whether you are at work or at home. You will come home to this person, eat dinner with this person, sit and talk with this person and, hopefully, you will go to bed with this person. When you wake up in the morning, this person will still be there! You will have a lot of thoughts about this person all day long, because this person and you will have numerous things in common, including your children, your money, your plans about your careers, and plans about your retirement. Think about that. One person...for the rest of your life! That's a lot of togetherness! Yet that's what marriage is supposed to be, and that's what marriage can be, if you select the correct partner. It is such an important decision that it should be made with great clarity and with as much wisdom, insight, and expertise as you can muster.

That may not be the most profound definition of compatibility, but it is a good one. He gets me. She gets me. At a deep level, this person understands and cares about who I am and what is important to me.

I'm a working psychotherapist and read this book in galleys. I think it makes a wonderful addition to the rather cluttered and confusing mix of books targeting single/divorced women with romantic advice, self-help and life-affirming programs. The core idea--one that professional therapists spend expensive hours trying to express to their patients--is that there is no "perfect person" to marry. Life is the movies; getting "swept off your feet" is best left to when you are swimming in the ocean. The rest of the book further explores the idea of "compatability," which is also helpful, although it does neglect the entire construct of your ego development and independence, because a happy union generally rests on your ability to be happy by--and with--yourself. My major problem is that the book is an extended product placement for eHarmony.com, the author's company. But at least he's upfront about it--buyer beware. I also strongly recommend another book about marriage, for those women who want a family: "I Sleep At Red Lights: A True Story of Life Aftr Triplets," by Bruce Stockler, easily the most funny, honest and detailed account of juggling marriage, kids, career and life I've ever read--and from the male point of view. Not a therapy book, per se--but laughter and honesty are certainly wonderful medicine.

To me, I think this is a really good book that identifies the broad-based compatibility of powerful attraction between people and leads to have long-term love. It explain the rules in how we all should find true love, and describe ways people can change after marriage...and ways they can't and never will. It also explains the sixteen factors that can make or break your relationships and also mentions many secrets men need to know before starting a relationship. This book really helps you to avoid wasting years on the wrong person and the pain of a broken heart. This is an excellent book for those who want to find true love that you can relish for a lifetime. I recommend it!!!! Because you're learn something out of it!!! This is a great book for any gentlemen!!!

I ordered this book at the same time I signed up on e-harmony, and now my fiance and I sound like those goofy commercials! The 29 dimensions covered in this book can help you more accurately evaluate potential partners, and provide wonderful insight into knowing yourself. Highly recommend, but beware-- if you DON'T want a real relationship with all the work, risk, and reward it can bring, then just keep reading The Rules or some other dating disaster textbook. However, when you're ready for something more, something real- this is YOUR book.

Neil wrote a fine book with good advice. The most helpful section was the first screening dimension: Good Character. "Character matters!"

My own and others' horrific experiences with eHarmony (passive aggressive and/or nonexistent customer service, fraudulent guarantees, questionable "matching" practices, low number of matches--zero globally for many weeks!, and charlatan billing practices), lead me to believe that Neil's company suffers from bad character.

Let us follow Neil's advice: "Watch out for signs that reveal a diminished sense of conscience. People who willfully and regularly lie, exaggerate, or cheat have no regard for the rights of others. They will pay little attention to how their actions impact you, as long as they get what they want....A person with a character disorder has mastered the art of putting on a facade of social acceptability. He knows how to gain your confidnece and that of other people. The person with a character disorder is often a smooth talker, a charmer, a person who knows how to say just the right thing to get what he wants."

Neil, eHarmony can change for the better if you genuinely want it to and are willing to do the tough work to see change happen. But we realize that the prognosis for bad character is not good. Only three experiences seem to bring any real change--a stint in prison, serving in the military, or a deep spiritual transformation. We hope the people at eHarmony will be helped by at least one of these experiences.

Folks, if you encounter eHarmony, run--don't walk--away from it as fast as you can. It will not get better with time.

I read this book initially in conjunction with trying out e-harmony. With or without e-harmony or any other contact service, I think this book is a great starting point for "getting to know yourself," which is huge in terms of being able to identify the right kind of person with whom to develop a relationship.

I found the exercises in this book to be personally enlightening and very helpful.

e-harmony as a service is just one of many ways to "get out there" and it's okay. I rate this book very highly however you get out in the world for dating and seeking to mate -- just to understand yourself better as a crucial starting point.

Dr. Warren has a very definite Christian-oriented point of view, and I share some but not all of his beliefs. However, for me, his point of view did not interfere with his simple message of being clear on how you can figure out who you are and what you truly need in a mate.

This book is a must for anyone in or contemplating a serious relationship. Dr. Warren has done the research and found what leads to lasting relationships. First, he talks about getting out of a relationship when someone lacks integrity. It makes sense that a lasting relationship is not going to be lasting if one of the partners lacks character. Dr. Warren calls these red flags. People will only like the book if they are open to hearing what research has to say and not what they necessarily want it to say.