Falling in Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose [Hardcover]

Ayala Malach Pines (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 0415920469 | ISBN-13: 978-0415920469 | Publication Date: August 1999 | Edition: 1

How mystical is love really? Sought after, capable of sending us to emotional extremes from abysmal misery to irrepressible joy, love is often perceived as a force beyond mortal control. Is it as dumb, blind or arbitrary as we often think, and are we subject to its whims? Or do we actually choose carefully, if not always wisely, the partners we do?

Falling in Love shows us that we both consciously and unconsciously select those with whom we have intimate relationships. Written by a renowned psychologist and couple's therapist, this fascinating, engaging mix of psychological research and clinical anecdotes discusses how each of us can, through successful intimate partnerships, help ourselves to grow as individuals. Each chapter concludes with suggestions for those seeking love, and explains how self-knowledge is the foundation to a healthy, satisfying relationship.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Don't be fooled by the frothy pink jacket art: this is a dense, academic volume. It addresses every conceivable aspect of the psychology of mate selection in late 20th-century America, giving equal emphasis to social and clinical approaches to understanding romance. The book's first half is devoted to an ambitious and inclusive survey of the experimental literature on the general factors that influence attractionAfor example, similarity, geographical proximity, physical beauty and social status. The second half underscores the relevance of early childhood experiences with and between one's parents in understanding one's attraction to specific persons. Recent clinical theories suggest that we are attracted to persons who are in some critical way similar to our parents and who have the potential to directly stimulate, and thus heal, old childhood wounds. Pines also offers advice to those seeking love. But she does a far better job of educating readers than advising them. Although founded in scientific evidence, her suggestions are brief and simplistic ("try to be in a good mood when you meet new people") and appear to have been tacked on to the end of each chapter simply to appeal to the self-help reader. Though Pine is at her best when laying out complex theoriesAaccurately referring to the original research studies on which her assertions and conclusions are basedAand the material is intellectually stimulating, reading it feels like work. Ten-city tour. (Sept.)
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Kirkus Reviews

A couples therapists clinical look at how and why we fall in love removes some of the mystery from that most magical of human experiences. Pines (Romantic Jealousy, 1992; Keeping the Spark Alive, 1988), a social psychologist and researcher who is also a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship issues, tackles her subject from both perspectives. As a social psychologist and researcher she analyzes how we fall in love; her clinical experience and psychodynamic theories come into play in the exploration of why we choose a particular person. She draws extensively on three studies: interviews with 100 men and women about their romantic relationships; a cross-cultural study comparing American and Israeli accounts of falling in love; and interviews with 100 couples comparing their reasons for falling in love with later stress in their relationship. Pines describes falling in love as a staged process. First is geographic proximity; then a state of emotional arousal; awareness of the others appealing appearance and personality; discovery of similarities; and finally, with growing intimacy, the revelation of deeper psychological needs and the mutual ability to satisfy them. Gender differences and the evolutionary, social, and psychoanalytic theories that seek to explain them are also examined. As to why we fall in love with a particular person, Pines looks at various psychological theories and concludes that an internal romantic image plays a key role in whom we choose and that childhood experiences of love shape this image. Interviews with four individuals reveal how early relationships with parents affected subsequent romantic ones; Steve, for instance, was abandoned by his father and terrified of the live-in boyfriends of his cruel and demanding mother. He fell in love with a domineering woman and found the relationship exciting but scary, and he remains unattached. Not a how-to guide for the lovelorn but a serious, research-oriented work of special interest to those involved in couples therapy. (11 b&w photos) (Author tour) -- Copyright ©1999, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 304 pages
• Publisher: Routledge; 1 edition (August 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0415920469
• ISBN-13: 978-0415920469
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6.1 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.5 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (7 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #396,068 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

42 of 43 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A good place to begin, June 27, 2004

By 

Mark (Brazil) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Falling in Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose (Paperback)

I ran into this book at a time when I was eager to learn more about the nature of romantic relationships. It is an excellent introduction and resumé of the voluminous psychological literature on romantic relationships, and specifically, the process of "falling in love." There are suggestions for self-help, but the reader wishing concrete advice will want to consult other books on the topic, in light of Pines's conclusions. I was impressed with her command of the literature and her extensive research and clinical experience; she is extraordinarily well qualified to have written this book. (Contrast this with something like _Are You the One for Me?_, a preposterously naive discussion of similar themes by someone -- DeAngelis -- who has no evident qualifications.) Ayala Pines has given us an excellent place to begin an exploration of our own and others' relationships. Its style is really not academic, and its tone is warm. No previous knowledge of psychology is necessary.

31 of 32 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Be free from yourself, August 11, 2000

By 

Matt Francis (New York, NY) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Falling in Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose (Hardcover)

This book outlines practical, theoric and statistical data that clearly show you how you might be imprisioned by your own patterns of choosing a lover. A real eye opener for me. You are able to understand the difficulty of past or current relationships through identifying your personality type and personal traumas so that you clearly see why you are drawn to the people who are your lovers. She also states that studies have shown, partners who are of unequal phyiscal attractiveness more often than not have unsuccessful long term relationships with one another. It all is seeming to make sense now, isn't it? A smart/academic and informative read. And just really fascinating.

14 of 14 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Fascinating, January 21, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: Falling in Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose (Paperback)

A combination of hundreds of studies, insights from the work of scholars across several fields, clinical experiences and observations culled from literature across the ages makes for a fascinating, and helpful, journey into discovering what makes us fall in love with people. Reading this book was a liberating experience. The recommendations at the end of each chapter are quite amusing because of the way that they are worded.