Customer Reviews

False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction

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I have been denying my problem with sexual addiction for 35 years. False Intimacy has not only shown me my denial, but pointed me toward true intimacy with God as the starting point for having close relationships with other people. The book contains the clearest thinking I have ever heard on the subject of trusting God. If you are an addict, think you might be, or are just unsure about what it means to have a close/intimate relationship with God and with your spouse, you need to get this book.

I've been reading various books and Internet resources about sexual sin and addiction -- this one demonstrates far more appreciation of the deep complexities and mysteries of the spiritual aspects of this issue. There's not even a hint of the kind of cheap, quick fix that some other books claim. Along with that, Schaumberg's emphasis on our willingness and ability to accept the nature of this world earned my respect. I highly recommend it to those who are looking for understanding in a spiritual context. For obvious reasons, I'm posting this anonymously, but I want readers of this review to recognize that they probably already know people who are quietly struggling too, so I'll identify myself as a successful high-tech executive, often speaking in public and in the news. In the high-tech culture, our technology makes sexual materials so easy to obtain; our stress makes it tempting indeed.

After struggling with sexual addiction since age 19, I had experienced most all the disappointments in life, including job loss, career ending acts of compulsive behavior, loss of friends, divorce and even arrest. I read Harry's first book after being confronted with an act of voyeurism. I was especially struck to the core of my heart and conscience by his profound, yet quite simple, approach to bringing the addict to the point of compliance with God and His design for redeemed men. It was on a Sunday afternoon in October, 1995, that I was reading this book. In the back of False Intimacy, I noticed Harry's counseling advertisements. I was desperate and needed help, not only for my own sanity, but for the saving of my marriage. Just 2 weeks later, I went with my wife to a 5-day Intensive Counseling course at Harry's offices in Colorado Springs, CO. " Very intense" is hardly the phrase to describe it. Harry made me realize that I was a very shallow and ho! llow person. The bottom line is that we Christian men have a reluctance to initiate and maintain an intimate relationship with God. I had a lot to work out, and I am still working my way out of sexual addiction and experiencing increasing sobriety from this sinful lifestye. Harry is a talented, qualified professional, whose writings get to the core of the problem, from a spiritual perspective, because that is wherein the problem lies--sex addicts have a sin problem, which only God, according to Harry, can rectify. I recommend this book to men in the Church, especially, who struggle with this area. Thanks, Harry, I am hanging in there.

The author holds a strongly Christian-based approach to treatment of sex addiction. In many ways, this perspective is not wholly incompatible with 12-step approaches, although he makes only passing, and not entirely favorable reference to SA, SLAA, etc. He speaks from an obviously seasoned vantage point as an experienced clinician, and his work seems particularly geared toward members of the ministry who present themselves for treament of sexually compulsive behaviors. He holds most Christians to task for faulty beliefs, and he's not afraid to pull punches: "Ron admitted his adultery........'And you deserve to die for this!' I added." This was said in a calculated manner to remove all ego defenses from an addict and co-addict spouse, and in lesser hands such a style could lead to devastating results. Schaumberg obviously knows what he's doing, although his logic is not carried convincingly in places, ("Human remorse is actually subtle rebellion against God") and seems poorly applicable to non-Christians. But for those to whom it's directed, this book will serve where more secular readings (Carnes, et. al.) won't reach. Christian sex addicts will also find the various books of Doug Weiss to be useful.

You don't have to be sexually "addicted" to benefit from this book. Most of the men that I know, (including myself) struggle with sexual fantasies, temptations to lust, etc. but do not fit the clinical definition of being sexually "addicted." Yet our sexual struggles serve a function in a dysfunctional way. We long for intimacy and deep meaninguful connection, yet we tend to be terrified of it at the same time. Real connection makes us too vulnerable! So it becomes easy to retreat to the safe world of sexual fantasy. Harry's book calls us to face into the heart of our sexual problems, which is our own hearts. Real intimacy (including sexual intimacy) is wonderful, frightening, scary, confusing and frustratingly fleeting at times, but it is worth it. Harry's book should be required reading in all church men's groups and seminaries.

After reading some of the responses, it becomes obvious that few people understand the point of reference Harry Schaumburg begins with. First, he is a Christian. So, if you are not a Christian, you will not appreciate the spiritual understanding and depth into addiction he describes. One reviewer states that the author is a fundamentalist hater of sex. Ha! I have actually met Harry and that is sooooooooo far from the truth. Harry Schaumburg presents a healthy view of sex. Period. And the healthiest view stems from the Bible itself. Man...Woman...Monogomy. Period. If you go into the book expecting some "I'm okay, you're okay." Then you will hate it. To fully appreciate sex, one has to understand more deeply the created order and its implications. Harry addresses this and does not assume some feel-good pop psychology stance. Harry addresses the implications of deviating from the created order and purposes. Anyone looking for some type of affirmation for their sexual deviance, or looking for some explanation outside of scripture, needs to save their money and instead sign up for a pop culture feel-good seminar given by...perhaps, a sex therapist who is divorced, miserable, but fully competent in telling you how to conduct your sex life.

I recommend "False Intimacy" more than other books to those men who are battling the behavior of sexual addiction, but who also desperately want change at the source of the struggle and not just in the expression of the struggle (although that is critical). Dr. Schaumburg does the best job that I've seen of exploring the actual motivational power of sexual addiction, which in the end is not essentially sexual. He also has an excellent chapter for the spouse of the sex addict and another regarding marriage in this context. Few books on this subject adequately expose what is really going on below the behavioral and psychological patterns, but there will be no meaningful freedom at a heart level without facing what ultimately fuels the shame and acting-out cycle. Clearly this is a more complex and less popular approach (that's probably why so few books go there), but any other approach to this problem seems to me like "bringing a knife to a gun fight." I recommend this book and the journey it invites the reader to take in their soul - whether a sex addict or not.

This is a very comprehensive book about Sexual Addiction. I was overwhelmed at first, and yet it is the most complete 'overview' of what false intimacy is. It is not a self-help book. It does have some graphic examples to help the reader understand so many of the complexities of the nature of sexual addiction but not in the least offensive to the sensitive reader. What I appreciated the most about this book in particular is the fact that it maintains a high degree of dignity towards the 'spouse' of the sexually addicted person. I learned many things in this book, and have read it twice already. A worthwhile resource to own, especially if you or your spouse is in the ministry.

I read this book in the process or working through hard issues in my marriage. At first, I thought it good although there were parts I didn't "get". As I worked though more of the material more deeply, my appreciation for its wisdom continued to increase.

It is the only work I know that examines both the spiritual and the psychological aspects of sex and related addictions with equal depth. You may notice that it seldom gives compact, concise definition for its concepts -- instead you have to read the whole thing and think it through. If you do, you will likely find reading this book a life-changing and valuable experience.

I'll add that I later went to a 10 day intensive counseling session with Dr. Schaumburg, and my experiences there confirmed my impression from the book: that he knows exactly what he's talking about from both the psychological and spiritual standpoints, and can cut straight to the real issues.

I highly recommend this book, whether you fit any particular label or not.

This book is for all who want to know about sexual addictions and how to deal with it. If you have a sexual addiction, this book will help you understand the addiction and get the help you need. If you have been hurt by a spouse who has a sexual addiction, this book will help also. But this book will help all people because all of us have been decieved by false intimacy, married or not. The best part of this book is the fact that the author tells it like it is. Sexual addiction comes from the heart of all people, which the Word of God tells us that it's evil. This book is biblical in it's understanding of humans, and it's persecptives on this issue. He points people to come to the Lord, and that he is the only one that can cure the root of all evil, the human heart. The gospel is preached and the misconceptions in the Christian church is addressed. The only problem with this book, is theolocially he errs in one line. When he siad that God became sin for us, while I understand what he was getting at. He use the wrong choices of worlds, for Jesus didn't become sin, he was the sin bearer, not sin itself. Thus, every Christian who is involed in ministry for this stuff, like Christian counselors etc. should read this book. Lay person as well. All who desire real intimacy with anyone, husband with wife, father and son, etc. Great book I plan to read it again and in the future..
If you want your marriage to step to the next level, even if you don't have a sexual addiction, you still may be living in a false intimacy, even if you been married 20 years. It can help your marriage and your family. It gives you tips of how to raise your kids not to have false understanding of relationships with people and with their family's. Everyone can be better informed if you read this book.