Customer Reviews

Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is

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I'm a lesbian mom raising a son, so I was excited to find a book that claimed to be about families like ours. Unfortunately, I found the book quite a disappointment. The author does explain in the prologue that, since she was interviewing people in their 20s and 30s, most of them predate the "gayby" boom and are actually children of heterosexual marriages, with a parent later coming out as gay or lesbian. This would explain the big emphasis in her book on topics like how to come out to your kids, custody issues and contention between the gay parent and the straight one, break-ups in general, problems amongst extended family with new partners, etc. Most of it would be irrelevant to gay or lesbian people that come out before conceiving or adopting children, whether as couples or on their own.

Also, while the book was published in 2004, the author spent 8 years researching it, and most of the folks interviewed were in their 20s or 30s. So most of the experiences these grown children talk about it -- issues at school, with friends, with parents dying of AIDS, and society in general -- would have happened from the 1970s to the mid-1990s. Where I am, in Massachusetts in 2008, the landscape looks pretty different. Kids may still make nasty cracks at school, but the teachers are very unlikely to. Kids don't assume that if your mom is a lesbian, you might give them AIDS. When I introduce my partner at church, people don't think we're in business together. And while the whole chapter on parents dying of AIDS is probably invaluable to the grown children who had to deal with that, I don't know any gay or lesbian families with young children who struggle with that now.

It was mildly interesting from a general historical/sociological point-of-view. But I didn't find it at all helpful from a parenting point-of-view, and it's not a book I would want my 10-year-old son to read, since I think it paints a far gloomier picture of society than what he is likely to encounter. As far as the book's title goes, instead of "Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is," maybe "Children of Formerly Straight Parents Tell It Like It Was," would be more accurate. Judging by the research the author has done, clearly there's a sizable demographic there. But neither my family nor my son is part of it.

After eight years of experience with community organizing and activism on behalf of LGBT families, Abigail Garner has written a book about kids with gay parents. FAMILIES LIKE MINE is full of heart and hope-but even more importantly, it's full of truths. Because of her own experience as a child with two gay dads, she speaks from a well-qualified vantage point. She says she is "culturally queer" but heterosexual, and with that perspective, she comes at the topic from a unique and fascinating angle.

Using extensive research and interviews with some five dozen youths, Garner discusses many topics including: adult parents coming out in the family; family changes, particularly divorces and same-sex break-ups; how kids with LGBT parents handle school; the concept of "straight family privilege"; the impact of HIV/AIDS; straight kids in queer culture; and kids of LGBT parents who don't grow up to be straight. She doesn't shy away from tough questions, and she doesn't believe that kids with gay parents grow up exactly like everyone else. But it is clear that she is championing a little-heard truth: that kids with LGBT parents don't reach adulthood any more wounded or messed up than other kids from straight homes. In fact, many such children grow up more open-minded and tolerant than their peers, though they often have to face a great deal more antagonism and prejudice than is fair.

Weaving into the book her own fears and experiences, Garner is able to clearly delineate many of the problems that members of a non-traditional family encounter. For instance, once when her biological father was out of town, Garner's other dad, Russ, fell ill and was rushed to the ER. Most of us take for granted that as legal members of the immediate family, we'd get to visit our parent in the hospital and would be entitled to medical information. Garner was lucky because no one asked questions when she claimed to be Russ's daughter. But under the rules of most hospitals, if she had been challenged, she could have been barred from his room. She is correct when she writes, "What are labeled as special rights are not special at all; they are human rights that are currently being denied to LGBT citizens" (p. 127). A right as simple as visiting a sick member of the family ought not be denied, but it does happen.

I found this book to be tremendously readable and could not put it down. The contributions from the interviewees and the author's personal story were fascinating. Garner's ability to synthesize and explore this topic in such an accessible way is ground-breaking. By the end, when Garner writes, "Children of LGBT parents, however, are thriving in this world of possibilities" (p. 228), I found myself hoping that this would continue to be true and that our society would become more accepting, more knowledgeable, and with many more resources for "alternative" families.

This is a book that belongs in all libraries and should be read by school administrators, teachers, social workers, legislators, and parents (whether they are gay or not). If people would listen to Garner's message, the world would be a better place for all kids, whether their parents are gay or straight. ~Lori L. Lake, author of Stepping Out, Different Dress, Gun Shy, Under The Gun, and Ricochet In Time, and reviewer for Midwest Book Review, Golden Crown Literary Society's The Crown, The Independent Gay Writer, The Gay Read, and Just About Write.

I am the child of two wonderful Lesbian moms, and I was thrilled to find this book! Finally I can read about people who grew-up like I did and went through similar experiences. This book is informative and real. I love the fact that she paints the picture of the gay family as being just like everyone, sometimes happy, sometimes disfunctional, but never inherently bad for being queer. The sections where she touches on the pressure that children of gay families have to live with really hit home with me. Between living with homophobia from childhood, keeping our families in the closet, calling our step-parents "roomates", and fearing for our own safety and our rights as a family unit, this book covers all the bases. Another topic that I had always felt but never had the words to describe she goes over in the last two chapters of the book. Growing up in the queer community and then being rejected by that community when we grow older and happen to be in a straight relationship is hard, and I have never ever heard anyone else talk about it before. Not to mention the guilt we feel if we ourselves happen to be queer as well (because then the world will think our parents *made* us queer, oh no!). Overall, an excellent informative read for anyone. I love it!

As expecting adoptive parents, we are thankful to have such a valuable, thoughtful, thorough resource as this book. Of those we have read, it - by far - gives us the best and most realistic ideas of what we can expect as fathers - especially from the perspective of the children who have grown up with gay and lesbian parents. Thank you Abigail for this selfless work of helping making it easier for children and parents everywhere.

For a comprehensive look at the GLBT family, this is a superb resource!!!

This book is written by the very soft-spoken but brilliant daughter of a gay parent, who has interviewed many other young adults who were raised by gay parents. It sheds an enormous amount of light on the subject.

It is appropriate for use by students doing research papers on the topic of gay parenting or gay marriage, and it is essential reading for all school administrators in America - ALL of whom are now dealing with students who have hay parents. School administrators, neighbors, family members, and friends of children raised by gay parents are desperate for a resource which clarifies questions in their minds. This is the source for such persons. Very highly recommended.

I found this book extremely informative and insightful. Ms. Garner discusses many issues I have yet to think of as my partner and I embark on the great adventure of raising our little girl in a gay household. The personal stories to which she refers keenly captures the plethora of issues faced by children of LGBT parents.

If you're even browsing at this title, chances are, you need to read this book. It is the first book I have ever seen that addresses the needs and realities of people who have gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender parents. If that is you, buy this book. If you're a queer parent or prospective parent, buy this book. As the daughter of a bisexual woman who spent most of my childhood in a same-sex relationship, I had so many AHA! moments, and was impressed at how Garner articulates what I've felt for so many years but been unable to put into words.

In our increasingly black-or-white, good-or-bad world view, it's refreshing to read a book that celebrates the inherent complexity in human relationships. Abigail Garner has moved beyond the stereotypes of LGBT parents to frankly discuss issues from vocabulary to AIDS, and she does it with an honesty that's invigorating, sure to inspire discussion and debate for a long time to come. This book is crucial not only for LGBT parents and their children, but for all of their teachers, doctors, lawyers, families, and friends.

As a gay father, I thought I knew it all, or at least read it all. This book was not just insightful and educating about what to expect when our kids grow older, but also introduced me to a new and forceful political way of thinking: don't subject your kids to scrutiny or expect them to be "normal" in every way, just to prove that gays have the right to become parents. They are growing in a different environment, and it is to be expected that their understanding of gender roles and sexuality will be different. Furthermore, there is a good chance that they will become generally more open minded than most people.

This book deals with kids who are a generation or two older than our kids, and the author is indeed optimistic that the world is becoming much more accepting (thanks in part to books like this one!). Nevertheless, I learned a lot and found this book very relevant and most interesting. I am sure I will get back to it and read some chapters again when our kids become teenagers. It is very well written and will be interesting to people of various backgrounds and points of view.

This book is a heartwarming panorama of the viewpoints and experiences of kids with gay parents. I am the adult daughter of gay fathers, and as I grew up I did not really have the luxury of knowing there were others like me. That I was a grown and married woman before I discovered this does not detract from the immense value of the lesson.

When I received this book, I read it from cover to cover in one day, relentlessly devouring the many pearls of wisdom and insight shared by those like me, these fabulously different queerspawn with that one silvery, similar skein woven throughout their lives. It was a wonder to hear these voices in their choir, flawlessly directed by Abigail Garner, finally allowed to sing and sing well of their lives without fear of reprisal, without shame. Too long had I lived without the knowledge contained within; each paragraph had me nearly shouting affirmations. It is far too easy to believe that you are alone, and the stories recorded here are a blessed reminder otherwise.

There is tremendous worth in the accessibility of these anecdotes, and they all reveal a vital part of the larger picture of our lives. It is often difficult to speak of these issues with friends or even family, but the freedom of these stories is infectious. I cannot begin to express how much that alone helped me in my own journey. These stories show most sweetly that we are normal, we are zany, we are troubled, we are compassionate, that we are the legacy of the parents who raised us, and we are much, much more than just the sum of these things.

For long and long, we have been invalidated, conveniently ignored or pushed aside for the sake of political and social agendas. This book purposes to change that. There is no agenda here, just the timeless, often hilarious, often tragic stories of the children of gay parents. Families Like Mine should be a staple in the literary diet of anyone whose life is even remotely tangential to queer culture. Moreover, I daresay that anyone who is involved in the great debate about children and LGBT parents should be required to read these pages and glean wisdom from the stories within, to see that we are really no different than any other children raised in a more traditional manner. But then, what could be more traditional than love and stability and a family that rallies with pride and care around its members?