Customer Reviews

Families and How to Survive Them

5 star:		(6)
4 star:		(5)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

This is a useful, humorous, non-pompous book for people seeking insight into the workings of (please note) Western, nuclear-style, fairly conventional families. Skynner is a genial, compassionate man who has obviously enjoyed his career in family therapy and doesn't have much of an ax to grind, while Cleese's wry interjections help give perspective. Particularly praiseworthy are vignettes from Skynner's practice in which he shows how a malfunctioning family system can be nudged toward better health by precipitating very small changes in behavioral styles, without excess angst or struggles with dragons. I also appreciate his focus, common also to Eric Berne and Michele Weiner-Davis (see their books), on finding and embracing what works rather than dwelling on what does not. For people trying to enjoy the best about their families and especially younger children, this book could solve a number of frustrating mysteries. Likewise, it's useful for grasping the ways that certain behaviors and types of people feel attractive and comfortable, and why some situations "push the buttons" of an individual or within a relationship.

I do have some caveats. While not Freudian in any strict sense, Skynner occasionally seems to share the reductionist attitudes of "the Master," leaving you with the feeling that every human interaction and achievement is no more than the search for fulfilment of a parlayed (and frustrated) infant or toddler. True as this can be in everyday situations, I feel that it is not the whole picture and should be balanced by writers examining the human urge to evolve to a more aware, creative and functional state. Thwarting of this urge seems to me a source of a significant number of human conflicts, in or out of the family context, not to be resolved solely through reflecting on one's (non)progress through various developmental stages. Maslow, James Hillman and Robert Anton Wilson come to mind.

Especially, my jaw drops when Skynner sets forth his views on the development of homosexuality. I can't remember the last time I heard any otherwise credible and humane writer ascribe homosexual orientation to problems in bonding or detaching with a parent of whichever gender. The more gay people I know, and the longer that gay people are free to live openly in various pockets of American society without fear of crippling social sanctions, the more apparent it seems to me that a few gay people within a straight majority are just part of nature's plan. Studies of animal behavior, brain structures and potential genetic links support this view. So I'm dead amazed to see Skynner, otherwise not terribly doctrinaire, still discussing homosexual orientation, certainly not with any kind of punitive moralizing, but as if it were a kind of arrested development that could/should be "treated" for maximum happiness.

But then, no book on human behavior is the perfect answer to all your dreams of insight. Nothing is drearier than the person who has read one book looking beneath the surface of human conflicts and believes he/she has found the guru with all the answers, so take this book for what it's worth--kind, commonsensical and applicable to many families you probably know--and don't stop investigating.

This book is one of the rare "ha" books out there! No stupid little behavioral reciepes like "look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how much yourself". Yet very clearly explained observations about how one grows up to fit in a family pattern and to reproduce it in adult life.

And John Cleese's humour makes it fun to read... Definitely a keeper for anyone not happy with their life and actively trying to change for the better...

The book definitely gave me more of an understanding about human beings. It very clearly addresses the fact that children are not just little people ---unless the grown-ups you know are stuck in some early stage developmental quagmire. I really like the cartoons--they made me laugh aloud-- and John Cleese's sense of humor. I recommend the book as a primer for becomming more adult and for developing more understanding yourself and your choices.

Underlying Cleese's (Of Monty Python, etc) wit has evidently been lots of therapy and divorce court ("...divorce is underrated." he says tongue in cheek). Co-author Skynner engages Cleese in realistic dialogue about it all. Some inside dope from the therapy biz. Reading in this has provided important shades of grey in my marriage. Interesting incidental angles on what-makes-comedians-tick.

Very helpful book for understanding the mysteries of family dynamics, how they contribute to making you what you are, and how you are passing them on. Dialogue style is very different, (they recap at the end of every chapter), but this saves the text from become dry. Health warning?-beware using this book as fuel for blaming your parents/family for everything that's wrong with you! We all go through that stage, but the real value here is self-awareness that can be then be used to take control of your own life going forward.

This book was recommended to us by a psychotherapist when we came to discuss family problems. It was a great help through the first few weeks of therapy - and progress followed rapidly. Psychoanalysis never had such a coherent explanation!And the voice of John Cleese makes a great delivery for the info. Bravo!

This is a book about family therapy in the form of a dialog between John Cleese (of Basil Fawlty fame) and Robyn Skynner, a psychiatrist whose group therapy sessions he has attended and from which he feels he has greatly profited. It is apparently intended as a self-help book and many readers have recognized themselves and their families in it and have found it useful.
It's meant to be read for entertainment as much as instruction. As a text on family therapy it has drawbacks. One limitation is that it's British and was published in 1983.
The ideas about child development are Freudian and might be of special interest for someone who wants to learn about object-relations theory. Melanie Klein quarreled with Anna Freud to start the British object-relations school.
As an example of their style of reasoning, Skynner tells Cleese that male transsexuals "typically have mothers who have given them a blissful infant experience but prolonged it passed the time when they should be helping" and fathers who are "usually nonentities". If the mother is "powerful and possessive" but less possessive than the transsexual mother, the boy becomes homosexual.
To support such theories he uses phrases such as "experiments have shown" or "in my experience."

This isn't a stereotypical self-help type of book and that makes it THE book that could save your marriage and/or the way you relate to your children.
One warning - much of this book goes against the common wisdom of the day and the authors don't propose that parents mollycoddle their children. The focus is on teaching people to live in the real (NOT ideal) world and to learn to deal with it, to develop some backbone and realistic expectations.
In short, this is a book which will keep you from seeing yourself as a victim and teach you to accept the inevitable unfairness in life - and to help your children develop similar strengths.

This book has been a favorite of mine for more than a decade. So much so that when I realized I had lost it, I bought it again. It now resides safely in my kindle, this time immune to a future move.

Families and how to survive them has been written in a dialogue form between a shrink (Robin Skynner), and an actor (John Cleese, yes the Monthy Python one). It's mainly about, well, families. From how - and why - people fall in love, to how love relationships work - or not -, and what happens when the children enter the picture.

Apparently John Cleese was in group therapy back then when we were all toddlers, and was so impressed by how well it worked for him and how much he learned from it that he decided to write a book with his by then ex-shrink.

It is really brilliant. I realize that there are some serious flaws, but still, brilliant. Let's start with the flaws:

I agree with some other comments:it is dated on families. It is so traditional that it can be downright offensive for women, not to mention gay people. Please remember: this book was written in the early 80's, and Robin Skynner had dissected mainly the families of origin of his patients, so basically we are talking about the families of the 50's and 60's. I was born a little bit more than 40 years ago, and all I can say is that it applies perfectly to my family of origin, and reasonably to me.
It offers no practical solution - apart from 1/ Go to a shrink and 2/ if you let yourself be aware of your problems you will automatically seek a substitute experience to close the gap. Normally I hate this type of book, but this one is the exception. Why? Because it explains everything.

Thanks to John Cleese, it is funny, and at times downright hilarious. It is the only psychology book that made me laugh so much.Because of its tone, and also because it does not tackle directly really "heavy" topics such as violence or trauma, it is an easy, light read.

That said, it conveys an enormous amount of information about families and relationships. And it is accurate, life changing information. You will recognize couples and families you know, and yourself.

There's a comment asking Why didn't anyone tell me about all that before? Well, I think the information is out there in various other books. But this one is a great synthesis, and it is conveyed in such a funny and non-threatening way that we get it. It can change the way you view relationships and families, i.e. what really matters in your life.

If it is an easy to follow step by step guide of understanding why people do what they do; what motivates and drives them, without a lot of unneccessary waffle,here it is.