Customer Reviews

Families Where Grace Is in Place

5 star:		(26)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

This book is an absolute must read if you privately wonder if God is more concerned with your behavior than the needs of your heart. Vanvonderen explains why we will never feel fulfillment or joy simply by conforming to Christian standards. Using the Bible as the basis of his discussion, he reveals a God who wants to meet our deepest needs and transform us from the inside out. Vanvonderen shifts the focus from outward performance to the "fight of faith" in our marriages and our family life--defining the fight as the struggle to believe that Jesus can truly fill us when we are tempted to find our significance in people or things. Much of the book is devoted to parenting, and Vanvonderen shares honestly about his own process of becoming a grace-full parent. Without shaming or guilting, this book helped me reconsider what it means to really live a free and honest life. This practical and insightful discussion of grace is one you won't want to miss.

This is an outstanding book. Now I really know what a shame-based family is. OUCH! But I also now know how I can change to make my life better. To become more gracious in my relationships. It was so good, I ran a workshop at our church to share the excellent information to others. No one can afford to spray shame on our spouse and children. This may just be what you are looking for if you are READY TO CHANGE.

I bought this book at a point when I was frustrated and at the end of my rope as a parent. This book was a God-send. Now, the challenge will be to work on ways I can change my discipline style from one of controling behaviors to controling environment and let my kids choose their behavior (and the consequences thereof). But at least I know that God loves me, and loves my family, no matter what. Thank you!

First published in 1992, this book is an eye-opener and fresh wind of hope. The concepts and truthes presented are timeless and very understandable with the authors real-life stories and examples. Read this book if you're looking for solutions to a marriage relationship turned stress-filled over time. If you realize some struggles with your children really come from actions and attitudes all too familiar (Oh no, they've picked up MY worst attitudes & habits!) then read this book.

In Part One author Jeff VanVonderen describes relationships (marriage or parent/child) where grace is NOT in place detailing out the resulting operating model borne from the C.U.R.S.E. = Controlling, Unforgiving, Reactive, Shaming, and Ego-Driven. The result is T.I.R.E.D = feeling Trapped, Indicted, Responsible, Exposed, and Defensive.

Part Two describes Families "By the Book" (Bible), then on to a wonderfully convergent Part Three - Families Where Grace Is in Place. Very practical explanations and strategies on the road to a Grace-Full Family, Spouse, and Parent. The list of ten characteristics found in a shame-based relationship hits right between the eyes (or into the heart), followed 10 points unfolding God's design for a Grace-full Family. If you're looking for lasting changes and a way out of the pain, through God's grace, this easy-to-read book is worth the investment.

I grew up in a very controlling family. To date this is the best resource I have been able to find to address most of the issues that come along with this type of abuse. This book is a true gem for anyone struggling to understand their controlling upbringing, or even their own controlling behavior as a result of it.

This book is the best book I've ever read on parenting. I'm so excited about how I will parent now, and I am not intimidated by its truths. They are freeing, and have given me so much hope for being a better parent! If you are a parent, this is a MUST read. This book will help you love your child and bring him up in a healthy way that will enable him or her to be a strong person of character. I also recommend the book "Tired of Trying to Measure Up" by the same author. I read it before I read this book, and it really helped set the stage for me as a person before trying to be a good parent. I can't say enough good things about it. I'd rate it 20 stars if I could!

In this book, Vanvonderen describes how many of us feel -- inadequate and unable to do what we are called to do and to be. But he also explains that that comes from doing or trying to be something other than what you are or were called to do. When we actually try to do what we are called to do and be what God wants us to be, He gives us the grace and the capability to do exactly that. We simply are not equipped to be or to do anything else.

Vanvonderen talks about Grace-full relationships and contrasts them to Curse-full relationships. Grace-full ones are those that are built on grace and spring from a right relationship with the Lord. Curse-full relationships are those that are run on the basis of wrong values or with a worldly philosophy. He describes the Grace-full relationship and how it should be done and lived (and on what basis -- that of a close relationship with the Lord). Then he contrasts it with practices that shouldn't be engaged in and often are. These are Curse-full relationships.

This transformed my approach to how I related with my husband and children. God has given me so MUCH, much that I didn't deserve (thus, His grace to me). I need to reflect that and be gracious to my family members. I believe it has strengthened all my family relationships, and I credit much of Vanvonderen's ideas with actually saving my marriage.

I was brought up in a Grace-full home. It is my belief that my husband was brought up in a Curse-full home; and many of the Curse-full practices were repeated in our home (not just by him, but by me, following my natural fleshly inclinations). It is my desire to create, as much as I possibly can, a Grace-full home for my husband (like he's never had) and for my children (the kind of a home every child SHOULD grow up in). Vanvonderen, in his book, gives the method and the tools for making that happen.

It is a very simple perspective, and the approach can seem naive and simplistic. But it actually works. This is what a gracious home and relationships are all about.

Guess I went off on a rabbit trail there, giving my interpretation of Vanvonderen's message. But I can't recommend this book highly enough. It is great for troubled marriages and parent-child relationships. But I'm sure it is even useful for strong families, too, ones that don't seem to need a lot of "help." I would urge you to get a copy and read it. You'll be glad you did.

There is such a wide range in the quality of these sort of books that I am always a little cautiious. Sometimes counselors elevate mans wisdom over God's and forget to keep the Bible as the core of their analysis of the world. That is not the case here. While VanVonderen makes unique arguements he always keeps scripture at his core.

The central idea in this book is that we can choose to live "Graceful" lives- allowing God's love and grace to meet our inner most needs. Or, we can choose to live "Curseful" lives- seeking to have our inner needs met by others. Obviously, others can never meet our needs so we will always feel empty.

The primary aplication of this book is for the nuclear family. There are several chapters devoted to children which I found very helpful. They reinforced some parenting decisions that my wife and I have made in our child rearing. But, since our choices are not performance based they are often questioned so reading this book was a great encouragement and also helped us to refine our thinking and pointed out other areas where we were still being performance not heart driven in our parenting.

There is also space dedicated to how curseful vs. graceful living plays out in a marriage. These pages helped us (my wife and I read the book together) understand better changes we had made in the past that had greatly improved our once sinking relationship. But, it also challenged us to do better.

What I found most intreaging about the book is that the principles are universally true. The book is geared towards teh nuclear family but because the principles are true it can also be applied to the extended family. I was amazed, especially in the early chapters, at the insights that we gained about the mindset of our extended family. Just that was worth the price of the book.

The key to this little gem is that it gets at the root of the problem, rather than offering another "six-step plan to transform your family" or the like. And, most importantly, it recognizes that the root is a spiritual one. Trying harder to fix your family isn't helping because it's part of the wrong system.

The basic thesis is this: In the garden of Eden, before sin entered the world, all was right with our relationships because we depended on God as the source of our wholeness and each other as resources. When sin entered the world, so did "The Curse," which has created a system of idolatry where everyone tries to control everyone else's behavior in order to meet their own needs. So instead of looking to God to meet our needs, we try to fashion the people around us into little gods that will do that. Following so far?

Here's the worst part: Christians are often no different. But instead of trying to get people to just do what we want blatantly, we tend to spiritualize it. Like a wife trying to get her husband to lead family devotions or a husband telling his wife to submit to his selfishness, or parents trying to get their children to do impressive things or behave in a certain way. Christian books on marriage and family are often filled with ways to try to control behavior without changing the heart.

But the "Grace-filled" family is different. The grace-filled family is based on a few root principles: First, that each person is responsible for him/herself, second that each person finds fullness and value in Jesus, and finally that love is given and not earned by behavior. So substance (how things really are) matters more than appearance (how things look).

When you think of it, it's a revolutionary concept for Christians to stop trying and start relying on God to be our source. But, theologically and psychologically, it totally makes sense. I've got highlighting on nearly every page already and this book has a permanent home on my bookshelf!

I liked the insight this book shared, but left wondering what I was supp
osed to do with this new outlook, ideas on how to approach situations differently. I got tired of reading about all the personal success the author reported in raising his kids. I don't need a book for that.

Like the approach but it ought to be fleshed out more with some less personal scenarios. Parenting is truly so personal.