Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope With Them [Hardcover]

Barbara Lebey (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: April 25, 2002

Written with clarity, intelligence, and deep compassion, Family Estrangements offers a penetrating and useful look at the common problems that can damage family relationships.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

While admitting "there are no statistics on the subject," LeBey contends that estrangements between family members are "pervasive" and "escalating." She blames the baby-boom generation's "self-indulgence," women's liberation, rising divorce rates and "increased mobility," all of which have made it easier for people to leave their families for a job or other personal opportunity. LeBey, who claims that everyone suffers in a family estrangement, structures her book around case studies involving divorce, in-laws, sexual orientation, inheritance disputes, interracial/interfaith marriages ("what for many [families] is their worst nightmare") and family businesses. At the end of each chapter she offers pat advice to those left behind, like "never give up!" and "don't blame yourself." A lawyer and former judge with no background in psychology or family counseling, who is estranged from her own son, LeBey only interviewed people who were left behind, not people who chose to leave a relationship. Consequently, her case studies are one-sided and often simplistic, passing harsh judgments upon the people who initiate estrangement. LeBey claims it is not her intention to blame, yet she characterizes those who leave as "mean-spirited," "relentlessly cruel and punishing," "ruthless" and "irrational," accusing them of "poisoning the minds" of children and grandchildren against those left behind. While LeBey's take may comfort people in her position, it isn't likely to mend any fences. (Apr.)Forecast: Given her own affecting personal story, LeBey is a logical candidate for the talk shows; indeed, she is scheduled to appear on the Today Show on April 10. Since few other books address this topic, the book is likely to find its niche, although its flaws may curtail its long-term prospects.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

From Library Journal

While estrangement is a subtopic in books focusing primarily on divorce, parenting, interfaith and interracial marriages, and declaring homosexuality, this work deals specifically and soundly with family rifts. LeBey, a lawyer and former judge, draws on research and her own experience of alienation from her son to present a sensitive approach to dealing with estrangement. LeBey stresses how to reestablish relationships with a loved one and how to cope with the loss when overtures don't work. Her examples and anecdotes are drawn from a wide spectrum of family situations, her advice is consistent: be open to reconciliation, learn to forgive for inner peace, never stop reaching out, and learn to live a full and active life and build new relationships. Each chapter closes with straightforward and practical guidelines. This fine book not only recognizes a problem that most people conceal in shame but also fills a void in self-help literature. Highly recommended for public libraries. Kay Brodie, Chesapeake Coll., Wye Mills, MD
Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: Taylor Trade Publishing (April 25, 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1563526387
• ISBN-13: 978-1563526381
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.4 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.3 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 2.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (40 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,695,974 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

63 of 75 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars Thank You, Amazon, for sample pages, October 5, 2002

By A Customer

This review is from: Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope With Them (Hardcover)

I don't know if a reader of sample pages only is allowed to write a review, but that's all it took for me to see that this author is of no use to someone on the lookout for coping advice in my situation -- the terrific pain that results from finally having to end an abusive family relationship to save my own sanity. Le Bey starts right off by making it clear she sees family estrangements as the "down side" of the 20th century's movement toward individual rights, and characterizes sibling splits as "arguments over who got grandmother's silver."

If a writer on this subject wants to be taken seriously, her first few pages had better acknowledge that some people's family relationships, even without beatings or incest, are made hellish by forms of mental cruelty and disordered behavior that would be considered grounds for divorce (and possibly court-ordered therapy) in a marriage situation. I cut off all relations with a relative after years of bearing with such behavior, for the last seven of them insisting fruitlessly that my relative agree to try professional counseling before we met again face to face. This has been indescribably painful, and I am sure I am not the only person who has struggled for years to understand and cope with horrible behavior before deciding to separate from it. (I can only imagine what is endured by relatives of people who repeatedly tax their family relationships with criminal, addictive or similar catastrophe-creating conduct.)

I have gotten much comfort from books that help me gain perspective on the causes of the behavior I endured and I can always use advice on how to cope with the experience of having no family. What I don't need is to start reading a book on estrangement that all but accuses me and other "leavers" of being selfish on the first few pages. I hope my estranged family member never gets hold of this book -- I can hear the crows of self-vindication already.

28 of 33 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars controversial book. warning, August 13, 2004

By 

A reader - See all my reviews

This review is from: Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope with Them (Paperback)

this book can damage your family relations if you adhere to the author's advise.
do not blame others only but look at yourself too. if you do not, you could find yourself isolated very quickly.
read more than this book and get other ideas and concepts. the more i read, the clearer it became how isolated the author is in the landscape of self-help books.

31 of 37 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars What a shame!, August 8, 2004

By 

Claudia S. - See all my reviews

This review is from: Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope with Them (Paperback)

I read this book the first twenty pages but threw it right away, becaus I could not stand the blaming and constant negative attitude.