A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation, is the true story of one parent's struggle to maintain a normal, loving relationship with his young son in the face of overwhelming odds. From the emotionally devastating actions of the child's other parent, to a court system and mental health community ill-equipped to deal with this destructive family dynamic, A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation, is both an education in parental alienation and an eye opening experience for parents who don't believe this could happen to them.
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Review
A provocative and compelling account of the destruction of a parent-child relationship and the legal system's complicity in the process. Jeffries pulls back the curtain on the tragedy of a child whose love turns to contempt as he takes sides in his parents' divorce. Sure to be an eye-opener for parents and professionals alike. --Richard A. Warshak, PhD. Author of Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond From a Vindictive Ex --Dr. Richard Warshak, PhD. Author of Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond From a Vindictive Ex
Michael Jeffries has used the trauma and tragedy of his personal nightmare to illuminate how what would seem unbelievable can actually occur. From the theoretical concepts of parental alienation to its most excruciating details, his story vividly illustrates how far a close parent-child relationship can fall. This book is a must read for anyone who suspects that parental alienation is working its way into his or her life. --Dr. J. Michael Bone, Clinical and Forensic Consultant on Parental Alienation
It is my view that every Judge dealing with parental alienation in America, as well as in other countries, should have a copy of A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation and study it carefully in order to understand the evil which is being committed by a parent, whether mother or father, who turns a loving child against a formerly loved parent. –Dr. L.F. Lowenstein, M.A., DIP. PSYCH., Ph.D., United Kingdom
Michael Jeffries has used the trauma and tragedy of his personal nightmare to illuminate how what would seem unbelievable can actually occur. From the theoretical concepts of parental alienation to its most excruciating details, his story vividly illustrates how far a close parent-child relationship can fall. This book is a must read for anyone who suspects that parental alienation is working its way into his or her life. --Dr. J. Michael Bone, Clinical and Forensic Consultant on Parental Alienation
It is my view that every Judge dealing with parental alienation in America, as well as in other countries, should have a copy of A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation and study it carefully in order to understand the evil which is being committed by a parent, whether mother or father, who turns a loving child against a formerly loved parent. –Dr. L.F. Lowenstein, M.A., DIP. PSYCH., Ph.D., United Kingdom
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
9 of 9 people found the following review helpful
By P. Davis
Format:Paperback
I just finished reading this book and felt compelled to share my thoughts about it. Before I met my husband in 2004, I had absolutely no idea what parental alienation was, but I learned quickly as the wife of an alienated parent. I've read several books on the topic of Parental Alienation; I've experienced what parental alienation can do to the parent/child dynamic first-hand and I found Michael Jeffries' book to be a true-to-life representation of what can actually occur when one parent targets the other with the intention of destroying the relationship between their child and the targeted parent. I would recommend this book to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child as a result of parental alienation and also to those who know and support targeted parents.
12 of 13 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
Book Review
by Christian T. Dum, Ph.D.
A Family's Heartbreak
A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation
by Michael Jeffries with Dr. Joel Davies
A Family's Heartbreak, LLC Stamford, Connecticut, 2008. ISBN 978-0-9796960-1-5, 295 pages,
[...]
Separation and divorce usually mean a major economic and psychological upheaval in the lives of the former partners and, if they are parents, also of their children. An especially stressful situation develops, if there are conflicts over custody or over visitation rights with the children. It becomes truly heart breaking, if children are not strictly kept out of this conflict, but eventually take sides, aligning with one parent (usually the residential parent) and rejecting the other parent for no valid reasons. This phenomenon, although described long ago, is now known as Parental Alienation or Parental Alienation Syndrome, the term psychiatrist Richard Gardner coined when, starting in about 1985, he elaborated on the characteristic behavioral patterns. Although a very vast amount of professional literature has been developed since, most target parents of this alienation will be at a total loss for understanding how a child with whom they always had a close, loving relationship can suddenly reject, even denigrate them and refuse contacts. This is exactly the situation the author of this book found himself in, literally over night even, after he had informed his wife that he definitely wanted to end their deteriorated marriage. He had never heard of parental alienation, but in his desire to understand what was happening he eventually found in Dr. Davies a psychotherapist who was very familiar with this phenomenon. Their latter cooperation as affected parent and psychological expert on authoring this book makes it truly exceptional, different from professional literature dissecting the problem from the view point of a neutral scientist, different from the usual self help book, and also from personal accounts of similar experiences, of which several exist by now.
It has long been recognized that sharing a difficult personal experience with others, or reading related stories and in this way finding out that the own experience is not as unique as it seemed, can already be of considerable therapeutic value, as is writing up the own story, for those with writing skills (or with skilled helpers). Amy J. L. Baker (2006) elaborated on this point specifically with regard to parental alienation, selecting four typical stories describing such behavior, even not all mention parental alienation explicitly. Compared to these stories, the story the author has to tell of his experience, although to him as a parent certainly dramatic and completely inexplicable at first, is by itself, at least for people experienced in this field, not at all that unusual, even more or less predictable, especially when one learns more about the childhood and family background of the participants, which in such cases often plays a key role. The basic behavioral patterns are always similar in a way, which at first seems amazing, but proves that parental alienation is a real phenomenon. What makes the story still good reading is that the author not only has excellent writing skills, with a professional background as former journalist even, but that he concentrated on the parts of his experience that directly relate to the topic of parental alienation, giving a rather precise account of it by relying on notes he had taken all along. But what makes this book especially valuable for parents in or going to face a similar situation is that the author did not stop at just telling his personal story, but at each point asks in every day language why something is happening, what motivates or drives the mother to put the children in the middle of the conflict and making them choose between Mom and Dad, what the children may feel in this situation, what he can possibly do about it, and that these questions are directly answered by professionals truly experienced in this field.
The basic questions also most everyone asked when hearing the story were (Chapter 11, p. 177)
1. How can she [the mother] do that to her child ?
2. Doesn't she realize how she's hurting him?
3. Why can't (fill in the blank -- your attorney, the judge, the psychologist, the police) do anything to help Adam? [the younger of the two sons. The older son managed somehow to stay neutral in the conflict, although he also remained in the family home after the father had left it. He continued to maintain regular contacts with his father, unlike the younger son, who refused visits, hung up on any phone calls, tore up letters, but still accepted gifts, however without a thank you, or demanded money for a trip, but without revealing where to, and was rude, denigrating and even punching his father when they met somehow, all behavior his mother at least tolerated, if not directly encouraged. The mother among other things also played the "telephone game", familiar to everyone experienced with such cases.]
These are questions any affected parent will ask himself or herself time and again, desperately looking for an answer. But these are also key questions professionals accompanying the separation / divorce process should ask, and question 3 so in the most self-critical manner. Seeing them posed here in the real life context of an affected parent and by this parent should open up a new, very important perspective. Questions 1 and 2 are fascinating from a mental health view point, because most often they relate to an alienating parent who is highly educated, sometimes even a mental health professional herself or himself (the worst cases, perhaps even), whom one would expect to fully understand the dramatic, even life long consequences of destroying the relationship of the child with the other parent. But they are also questions of most relevance with regard to the most appropriate measures the court and the accompanying mental and legal professionals should take. It is saddening to see a judge still appeal time and again to the insight of an alienating parent for changing the behavior towards promotion of a good relation of the child with the other parent or at least not impeding contacts when this parent has ignored such suggestions and even clear court orders often for many years with impunity. In such hardened, severe cases of parental alienation the alienated parent will not develop any insight into what he or she is doing to the child, that it is psychological abuse. Such a parent thus also will not see a mental health professional with a genuine desire of being helped, but will reject anyone who does not exactly support the own view, which is always knowing what is best for the child and thus acting in his or her best interest. Conventional psychotherapy thus will not work. The book sadly enough provides a very clear demonstration on how the legal and mental health system failed not only in the author's case but countless others in preventing child abuse by parental alienation with its serious long term consequences. One of these long term consequences, reaching into the adult life of an alienated child of separation / divorce, provides, however, an important clue to answering questions 1, 2. It is the observation of a trans generational effect, namely that difficulties with interpersonal relations, alienation and divorce have a tendency to repeat themselves, sometimes over several generations even. One nearly always finds that the alienating parent had himself / herself a troubled childhood, whether the parents had separated or not. The book also provides such an example case.
Questions of an affected parent will not only relate to as to why these heretofore unbelievable things happen, but foremost to what to do about them, when one feels so completely powerless in a situation one could have never ever imagined before, requiring thus to be frequently reminded that it is real. The most sensitive and pressing questions concern how to handle any remaining or accidental contacts with the alienated child and also the alienating parent, and foremost, of course, on how to eventually regain the positive relationship one had with the child. Dr. Davies provides helpful answers to these questions, starting out with the frank statement that alienated parents are usually in for a long, difficult and emotionally (as well as often also financially) draining journey. Beginning this journey well informed about all aspects of parental alienation is most helpful in a therapeutic sense for the affected parent, but also for raising sensitivity in any remaining contacts with the alienated child. We know from reports of formerly alienated children, who were able to leave this unhealthy alliance with one parent, much like leaving a sect, even if only as an adult, that signs of the presence of the other parent were very important to them, even when they were not yet able to respond positively to these signs. Often an alienating parent will tell the child that the other parent has abandoned "us", has no interest anymore in the child, or even, in the case of (international) child abduction especially, that he or she has been put in jail or is dead. Signs of interest and affection and be it only neutral postcards from a trip, on birthdays etc., small gifts, with some residual chance at least of escaping censorship by the resident parent, are thus important, even when at the time they may be rejected also by the child. Read more ›
by Christian T. Dum, Ph.D.
A Family's Heartbreak
A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation
by Michael Jeffries with Dr. Joel Davies
A Family's Heartbreak, LLC Stamford, Connecticut, 2008. ISBN 978-0-9796960-1-5, 295 pages,
[...]
Separation and divorce usually mean a major economic and psychological upheaval in the lives of the former partners and, if they are parents, also of their children. An especially stressful situation develops, if there are conflicts over custody or over visitation rights with the children. It becomes truly heart breaking, if children are not strictly kept out of this conflict, but eventually take sides, aligning with one parent (usually the residential parent) and rejecting the other parent for no valid reasons. This phenomenon, although described long ago, is now known as Parental Alienation or Parental Alienation Syndrome, the term psychiatrist Richard Gardner coined when, starting in about 1985, he elaborated on the characteristic behavioral patterns. Although a very vast amount of professional literature has been developed since, most target parents of this alienation will be at a total loss for understanding how a child with whom they always had a close, loving relationship can suddenly reject, even denigrate them and refuse contacts. This is exactly the situation the author of this book found himself in, literally over night even, after he had informed his wife that he definitely wanted to end their deteriorated marriage. He had never heard of parental alienation, but in his desire to understand what was happening he eventually found in Dr. Davies a psychotherapist who was very familiar with this phenomenon. Their latter cooperation as affected parent and psychological expert on authoring this book makes it truly exceptional, different from professional literature dissecting the problem from the view point of a neutral scientist, different from the usual self help book, and also from personal accounts of similar experiences, of which several exist by now.
It has long been recognized that sharing a difficult personal experience with others, or reading related stories and in this way finding out that the own experience is not as unique as it seemed, can already be of considerable therapeutic value, as is writing up the own story, for those with writing skills (or with skilled helpers). Amy J. L. Baker (2006) elaborated on this point specifically with regard to parental alienation, selecting four typical stories describing such behavior, even not all mention parental alienation explicitly. Compared to these stories, the story the author has to tell of his experience, although to him as a parent certainly dramatic and completely inexplicable at first, is by itself, at least for people experienced in this field, not at all that unusual, even more or less predictable, especially when one learns more about the childhood and family background of the participants, which in such cases often plays a key role. The basic behavioral patterns are always similar in a way, which at first seems amazing, but proves that parental alienation is a real phenomenon. What makes the story still good reading is that the author not only has excellent writing skills, with a professional background as former journalist even, but that he concentrated on the parts of his experience that directly relate to the topic of parental alienation, giving a rather precise account of it by relying on notes he had taken all along. But what makes this book especially valuable for parents in or going to face a similar situation is that the author did not stop at just telling his personal story, but at each point asks in every day language why something is happening, what motivates or drives the mother to put the children in the middle of the conflict and making them choose between Mom and Dad, what the children may feel in this situation, what he can possibly do about it, and that these questions are directly answered by professionals truly experienced in this field.
The basic questions also most everyone asked when hearing the story were (Chapter 11, p. 177)
1. How can she [the mother] do that to her child ?
2. Doesn't she realize how she's hurting him?
3. Why can't (fill in the blank -- your attorney, the judge, the psychologist, the police) do anything to help Adam? [the younger of the two sons. The older son managed somehow to stay neutral in the conflict, although he also remained in the family home after the father had left it. He continued to maintain regular contacts with his father, unlike the younger son, who refused visits, hung up on any phone calls, tore up letters, but still accepted gifts, however without a thank you, or demanded money for a trip, but without revealing where to, and was rude, denigrating and even punching his father when they met somehow, all behavior his mother at least tolerated, if not directly encouraged. The mother among other things also played the "telephone game", familiar to everyone experienced with such cases.]
These are questions any affected parent will ask himself or herself time and again, desperately looking for an answer. But these are also key questions professionals accompanying the separation / divorce process should ask, and question 3 so in the most self-critical manner. Seeing them posed here in the real life context of an affected parent and by this parent should open up a new, very important perspective. Questions 1 and 2 are fascinating from a mental health view point, because most often they relate to an alienating parent who is highly educated, sometimes even a mental health professional herself or himself (the worst cases, perhaps even), whom one would expect to fully understand the dramatic, even life long consequences of destroying the relationship of the child with the other parent. But they are also questions of most relevance with regard to the most appropriate measures the court and the accompanying mental and legal professionals should take. It is saddening to see a judge still appeal time and again to the insight of an alienating parent for changing the behavior towards promotion of a good relation of the child with the other parent or at least not impeding contacts when this parent has ignored such suggestions and even clear court orders often for many years with impunity. In such hardened, severe cases of parental alienation the alienated parent will not develop any insight into what he or she is doing to the child, that it is psychological abuse. Such a parent thus also will not see a mental health professional with a genuine desire of being helped, but will reject anyone who does not exactly support the own view, which is always knowing what is best for the child and thus acting in his or her best interest. Conventional psychotherapy thus will not work. The book sadly enough provides a very clear demonstration on how the legal and mental health system failed not only in the author's case but countless others in preventing child abuse by parental alienation with its serious long term consequences. One of these long term consequences, reaching into the adult life of an alienated child of separation / divorce, provides, however, an important clue to answering questions 1, 2. It is the observation of a trans generational effect, namely that difficulties with interpersonal relations, alienation and divorce have a tendency to repeat themselves, sometimes over several generations even. One nearly always finds that the alienating parent had himself / herself a troubled childhood, whether the parents had separated or not. The book also provides such an example case.
Questions of an affected parent will not only relate to as to why these heretofore unbelievable things happen, but foremost to what to do about them, when one feels so completely powerless in a situation one could have never ever imagined before, requiring thus to be frequently reminded that it is real. The most sensitive and pressing questions concern how to handle any remaining or accidental contacts with the alienated child and also the alienating parent, and foremost, of course, on how to eventually regain the positive relationship one had with the child. Dr. Davies provides helpful answers to these questions, starting out with the frank statement that alienated parents are usually in for a long, difficult and emotionally (as well as often also financially) draining journey. Beginning this journey well informed about all aspects of parental alienation is most helpful in a therapeutic sense for the affected parent, but also for raising sensitivity in any remaining contacts with the alienated child. We know from reports of formerly alienated children, who were able to leave this unhealthy alliance with one parent, much like leaving a sect, even if only as an adult, that signs of the presence of the other parent were very important to them, even when they were not yet able to respond positively to these signs. Often an alienating parent will tell the child that the other parent has abandoned "us", has no interest anymore in the child, or even, in the case of (international) child abduction especially, that he or she has been put in jail or is dead. Signs of interest and affection and be it only neutral postcards from a trip, on birthdays etc., small gifts, with some residual chance at least of escaping censorship by the resident parent, are thus important, even when at the time they may be rejected also by the child. Read more ›
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful
By L. Nigro
Format:Paperback
This is a must-read book for anyone coping with parental alienation or unaware that parental alienation could possibly touch their lives. It is also a book for anyone in a relationship where this "heartbreak" is affecting someone they know. There are many books out there written in "classroom fashion," but not quite as many that provide a parent on the receiving end with the coping skills they need to understand the "black and white." Thank you for filling in so many blanks that I just did not comprehend or ever imagine.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars
Hit home for us
Very similiar to what we have been going through with our son....his story sounds crazy but is very true! Thank you for sharing
Published 22 days ago by Erin purgason
5.0 out of 5 stars
Heartbreaking... An Honest Account of the Alienated
This book tells the story of Mr. Jeffries' journey in becoming severely alienated from his youngest son. Read more
Published 4 months ago by Tara
4.0 out of 5 stars
coping with an alienated child
Gives you some insight on how to cope with Parental Alienation through understanding what it is and the motives behind the alienation. Read more
Published 9 months ago by S. Vigil
5.0 out of 5 stars
An Ounce of Prevention and Must Read for All Divorcing Parents
In "A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation", Mike Jeffries and Dr. Joel Davies take the reader through an intellectually informed and emotionally... Read more
Published on April 16, 2011 by Eric J. Porterfield
5.0 out of 5 stars
Truly Heartbreaking
This is a great resource for understanding parental alienation. Mr. Jeffries uses his own story, a severe case of parental alienation, to illustrate his point and educate the... Read more
Published on December 21, 2010 by avidreader
5.0 out of 5 stars
Eye opening about PAS
This book is very insightful and a must read for any parent or grandparent who is dealing with a difficult child custody situation.
Published on November 7, 2010 by Laurie
5.0 out of 5 stars
Please read this book
In this book, Michael bares his soul and his pain at the alienation from his children. Parental alienation is a horrible phenomenon that is growing around the country. Read more
Published on July 13, 2010 by Pat Montgomery
5.0 out of 5 stars
This book is a God send to us!
My husband is alienated from one of his son's and not the other and his ex wife is starting the process with the younger son now. Read more
Published on June 9, 2010 by Joan harfst Godden
5.0 out of 5 stars
Good book for family members who are victims of alienation
I bought this book for my sister who is a victim of parental alienation. She thinks it's a great book, and I'm reading it now and agree with her. Read more
Published on January 21, 2010 by whmcamaro
5.0 out of 5 stars
A Real Story to Irrational Alienation: A Must Read for all Helping...
A Family's Heartbreak should be in the hands of every judge, therapist, and custody evaluator. His book is definitely is an eye-opener to the reality of Parental Alienation. Read more
Published on December 5, 2009 by Monika
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