Elder Rage or, Take My Father... Please! How To Survive Caring For Aging Parents [Paperback]

Jacqueline Marcell (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: September 2000

ARE YOU AT YOUR WIT'S END?! Trying to cope with an elderly loved one who: Makes unreasonable demands, wanting all of your time? Is obsessed with sickness and death but refuses counseling? Has become depressed, manipulative, distrustful or hostile?

Editorial Reviews

Review

"A remarkable book... you deserve a great credit, congratulations!" -- Steve Allen

"I thought I knew Jacqueline until I read her book. Wow, what a story!" -- Regis Philbin

"Jacqueline tackles that part of life that most think will never happen and shocks us out of our denial..." -- Dr. Dean Edell

"Jacqueline's story and style of writing will surely grab a large readership." -- Hugh Downs

From the Publisher

If you're caring for an elderly loved one and find the task daunting, you're in the same position Jacqueline Marcell found herself. She gave up her career as a television executive, went through 40 caregivers and cried rivers for a year before solving the endless crisis medically, behaviorally, socially, legally, financially and emotionally. Passion to save others from a similar experience resulted in her first book, "Elder Rage", a Book-of-the-Month Club selection receiving 50 prestigious endorsements, over 300 5-Star Amazon reviews, is required reading for courses in geriatric assessment and management, and being considered for a film.

Delivered with a humorous tone to make a tough subject palatable, Marcell relates how she fought through an unsympathetic medical system and endured her "Jekyll & Hyde" father's wrath, until she finally found help for him and her ailing mother. What she didn't understand was that his deeply engrained life-long negative behavior pattern of yelling to get his way (though never at her before), was becoming intermittently distorted with the onset of dementia, namely--Alzheimer's. Marcell points out that not everyone becomes aggressive with dementia, and that her mother was sweet and lovely before and after her Alzheimer's diagnosis.

Statistically families (and doctors who are not dementia specialists) ignore early warning signs because they incorrectly believe that intermittently odd behaviors are just stress and a normal part of aging. Marcell says, "By the age of 65, one out of every eight has some form of dementia, and by the age of 85, nearly one out of every two. Surprisingly, the fastest growing segment of our population is the 85+ group."

Marcell says her mission is to "spread the word about the importance of early diagnosis of Alzheimer's to 77 million baby boomers who are in denial until a crisis." She wants everyone to know that with proper treatment, dementia symptoms can be masked/slowed, keeping the person independent longer. "Seeking help early can save families so much heartache and money, and save our society the burden of caring for so many who decline sooner than need be."

The Alzheimer's Association reports that by delaying the onset of A.D. for five years, the U.S. could save $50 billion in annual health care costs. Even a one-month delay in nursing home placement could save $1 billion a year. Marcell says, "It's really very simple: When your loved one does something that strikes you as illogical or irrational--it is! You don't need to have a Doctorate degree to know something is wrong--you need the right Doctor who can diagnose and treat dementia properly."

Marcell credits the Alzheimer's Association for referring her to a neurologist specialized in dementia who after a battery of tests uncovered her father's early stage Alzheimer's, while all of his other healthcare professionals missed it entirely. He prescribed medication to slow the dementia and improve her father's cognitive functioning (Aricept, Exelon, Razadyne, Namenda), and treated the aggression and (often-present) depression. After balancing with optimal nutrition and therapies, Marcell implemented her own `Elder Behavior Modification 101', and succeeded in turning around her father's nasty behaviors the majority of the time. And when that didn't work she used distraction, redirection, reminiscence and validation... but discovered the offer of his favorite ice cream worked the best to get him in the shower--even as he swore a blue streak at her that he had just taken one yesterday (actually a week ago).

The final key was getting herself into a support group and getting her parents out of bed ("waiting to die") and enrolled in physical and emotional therapies at an Adult Day Health Care, which completely turned their lives around at 80 and 85. Marcell adds, "75% of dementia patients are cared for at home and sadly elder abuse is rising dramatically because families are unprepared for the frustrations. She believes that with education and the use of Adult Day Care, elder abuse can be reduced. The National Center on Elder Abuse published a very favorable review of Elder Rage in their national newsletter.

Marcell emphasizes, "Dementia costs American business multi-billions of dollars a year--largely due to lost productivity from absenteeism of employees who must take time off to care for ailing loved ones. Everyone should know the ten early warning signs of Alzheimer's and the importance of getting the right help sooner than later." Marcell says she learned caregiving the hard way which is why she wrote her first book, "so that no one would ever have to go through what I did." Determined to make a difference, Marcell says her ultimate goal is to help change our eldercare laws." She laughs, "I have an ulterior motive--I don't have children, so I've got to help straighten things out before I get there!" --This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 368 pages
• Publisher: Impressive Press (September 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 096797030X
• ISBN-13: 978-0967970301
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.5 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 15.2 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (371 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,018,386 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

JACQUELINE MARCELL was a television executive but she barely survived as a caregiver to her (once-adoring) obstinate elderly father and sweet but ailing mother, both with Alzheimer's which went undiagnosed for over a year. But after fighting through an unsympathetic medical system, endless tears, and depleting her parents' life savings and much of her own--with sheer determination she figured everything out medically, behaviorally, socially, legally, financially and emotionally.

INFURIATION LEADS TO HIGHER PURPOSE

Passion to save others from a similar experience (especially from getting so frustrated they commit elder abuse) resulted in Jacqueline's first book, written with humor to make a tough subject palatable, "Elder Rage, or Take My Father... Please! How to Survive Caring for Aging Parents" (ElderRage.com). Over 50 prestigious endorsements include Hugh Downs, Regis Philbin, John Hopkins Memory Clinic and Harvard Medical School.(Endorsements/Reviews: ElderRage.com/Review.asp)

The addendum by renowned neurologist/dementia specialist, Rodman Shankle, MS MD, makes "Elder Rage" also valuable for healthcare professionals/doctors, and required reading at numerous universities for courses in geriatric assessment and management. "Elder Rage" has received 300+ Five-Star Amazon reviews, is a Book-of-the-Month Club selection, and being considered for a film.

"COPING WITH CAREGIVING" RADIO PROGRAM

Jacqueline also hosts the popular "Coping with Caregiving" Internet radio program heard free worldwide live and via archives at wsRadio.com/CopingWithCaregiving. Her informative interviews with over 1500 healthcare professionals are available for free listening-on-demand.

MEDIA & SPEAKER

Jacqueline has been featured in key media including TODAY, CNN, a PBS Documentary, AARP Bulletin cover story, Woman's Day, Prevention, and has been interviewed on hundreds of radio/television programs. She is on the Board of Directors of the FAIR Foundation, advocating for fair allocations in research funds from Congress and the NIH. Jacqueline has given hundreds of presentations, including to the California Governor Conference, Alzheimer's Association, Area Agencies on Aging, National Security Agency, National Acadey of Elder Law Attorneys, and Florida House of Representatives. (ElderRage.com/SpeakingEngagements.htm)

JACQUELINE'S MISSIONS

To help improve eldercare laws, encourage long-term care planning, show healthcare professionals how they can better help families, empower caregivers with solutions and to put their health first, advocate for funding for Alzheimer's research and heighten early diagnosis awareness, expose elder abuse and exploitation, and bring attention to Adult Day Care which saved her parents' lives as well as her own. She's testified before the Assistant Secretary on Aging and received a Media Award from the National Adult Day Services Association. Jacqueline was also honored with 'Advocate of the Year' from the National Association of Women Business Owners at their Remarkable Women Awards.

REFERENCES

"Thank you so much for your inspirational presentations. You really connected with hundreds of healthcare professionals (CEUs: Nurses, Nursing Home Administrators, Social Workers, Counselors) and families, seniors and those with disabilities. Comments: Jacqueline is a wonderful, thought provoking speaker! She was so fun to listen to! She made a tough situation into one you can handle! Your participation helped make our conference a big success--thank you!!!"
--Mary Jo Hannasch, Northern Plains Conference on Aging and Disability, Fargo, ND

"Jacqueline, thank you so much for your superb presentation at our Alzheimer's seminar. Audience: dementia specialists, senior neurologists, neuropsychologists, scientists, nurses, students, and caregivers who came specifically to hear you. And what a fabulous presentation it was! Your ability to combine humor, personal insight, wisdom and meaningful guidance to all of us involved in the care for those with dementia was sensational. Each gained useful tips and tools that will enrich our professional practices and personal experiences."
--R. Stern, Ph.D., Director, Alzheimer's Disease & Research, Boston University School of Medicine

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

84 of 85 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars HELPFUL, INSIGHTFUL AND INSPIRING!, April 3, 2001

By 

Sandra D. Peters "Seagull Books" (Prince Edward Island, Canada) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Elder Rage or, Take My Father... Please! How To Survive Caring For Aging Parents (Paperback)

Today, we live in such a fast-paced society, forever balancing our own homelife and that of our children, with work schedules, school events, household chores and multiple obligations. All of a sudden, we find our own parent(s)who were once so strong and reliant, have seemingly become the child and the roles have reversed. It is a natural instint of children to want to please their parent(s), so out of parental love, and with a heartfelt sense of gratitude, responsibility and obligation, we take on the additional role of caregiver, mentor, teacher, advisor, and confident to our aging parent(s).

Jacqueline Marcell has a way of making you feel sane again, and at the same time, her wit and writing style will capture your heart and help you to understand you are not alone. Each of us must deal with the situation in our own way, depending on our financial situation, available resources, position in the life's cycle and the allowable time we have to take on the extra responsibility. However, the first-hand experiences of someone who has "been there and done that" can help tremendously.

Over the course of ten years, I watched my father regress, through cancer and age, from a strong, independent, brilliant, business professional to a babbling, hallucinating, demanding, dictator. There comes a time, when constant, professional, around-the-clock care is required, that it may necessary to place the parent in institutionalized care. That decision, in itself, ususally leaves the family with mixed feelings of love and guilt, frustration and betrayal, and a host of other unanticipated, gut-wrenching emotions.

This book helps put the "rage" and other mixed emotions in a much clearer perspective, and leaves you with the understanding it is a natural reaction to feel all those things, it's how you deal with those feelings that is important. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is caring for, or anticipating the care of, an aging parent(s). It probably will not change the inevitable chain of events, but it may bring a sense of balance to your life.

67 of 68 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Humor Is the Best Medicine, January 30, 2003

By 

Carolyn Howard-Johnson "Author 'This is the P... (Los Angeles, CA USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)   

This review is from: Elder Rage, or Take My Father... Please!: How to Survive Caring for Aging Parents (Paperback)

Jacqueline Marcell is the perfect person to help those who must care for aging parents. She has been there, done that. She is an ideal guide through what is often a limbo of survival by hook or crook because she has a sense of humor.

Marcell teaches by example. With a light heart she tells of her own experiences with an aging father and with a system that can be far more exasperating than dealing with her difficult father. The light heart did not come easily. Because of the hard-earned know-how Marcell shares in "Elder Rage," the process will be much easier for you.

This book has been endorsed by many self-help gurus including John Bradshaw and Bernie Siegel. It has a succinct and well-written addendum on treating dementia by Rodman Shankle, MS, MD. He is the former medical direct of the University of California at Irvine's Alzheimer's Center.

Occasionally Marcell lapses into lingo that may be too hip for some; because of that, it might not be understood by some of those in-between generations who aren't suffering from Alzheimer's (yet!), but mostly the humor comes through loud and clear and does exactly what it should do.

Pain and love are often inextricably intertwined; following Marcell's story is like reading any good memoir. Because it's told from the heart, we identify and learn and then learn some more.
-------------

(Carolyn Howard-Johnson [author of] "Harkening"

107 of 115 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Aiding Dominating, Difficult Seniors Suffering from Dementia, May 27, 2001

By 

Donald Mitchell "Jesus Loves You!" (Thanks for Providing My Reviews over 109,000 Helpful Votes Globally) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (HALL OF FAME REVIEWER)    (TOP 100 REVIEWER)   

This review is from: Elder Rage, or Take My Father... Please!: How to Survive Caring for Aging Parents (Paperback)

We have all read stories about the problems of families with verbally and physically abusive fathers. What happens when physical and mental ills cause these problems to get worse when the man gets older? Ms. Jacqueline Marcell writes a compelling (and usually harrowing) tale of her struggle to help both of her parents regain their health and ability to function. She clothes the obvious pain of the circumstances with humor that makes the message easier to absorb. At the end of the book, you will find many helpful suggestions for how to be an effective planner and implementer of good health support for elderly people.

Ms. Marcell's mother had a heart attack, and her domineering father insisted in taking care of everything. After 11 years, Ms. Marcell finds her mother on death's door due to the poor care her father has been providing and the home a pig sty. Despite severe personal problems (such as being in recovery from spinal surgery, losing her job, and ending a long-term relationship), she takes on the difficult and thankless task of getting her parents some help. Her father fights her at every turn, using both charm (when he's in his rational mind) and rage (when he's out of control) to get what he wants. Through a tough battle of over 9 months, she is able to find a winning formula and both parents start to improve. You can continue to read the saga of her parents on her web site.

You have to admire Ms. Marcell's courage, her persistence, and her intelligence. Health care providers did not believe that her father was violent, even after he tried to strangle her. In brief interviews, they found him to be charming and penitent (whenever he was caught in the act). Most things she tried didn't work, because he was a lot worse than anyone realized. Whatever his initial problems were with controlling his anger, they got worse as the arteries to his brain clogged. With lots of medical treatment, drugs, behavioral training, and a fantastic caregiver, miracles finally happened.

If either of your parents was physically or verbally abusive when younger, you should read this book. It is full of practical advice in the section at the end.

I graded the book down one star for an imbalance in the presentation. The first 270 pages are the case history of her experiences. As much as I sympathize with Ms. Marcell's horrible experience, this section needed to be shortened. The benefit you will get by reading it all is a sense of the despair that must fill the days of the child trying to help in such a circumstance. I do not begrudge Ms. Marcell writing so much though. It must have been therapy for her.

On the other hand, most readers will find what they need in pages 272 to the end. You certainly need to read enough of the first 270 pages to get a sense of what the problems are like, but unless you find it fascinating . . . feel free to skip forward. You will not be missing much that you need to know.

At the same time, the general material could have been made more detailed. That would have improved the book and made it more helpful. For example, there is about a half page on how to handle a senior who is feigning illness to avoid going to Senior Day Care. The section is fine, but it deals with the issue at a surface level. This material could easily have been expanded to 5-10 pages. How much effort should go into checking out the potential that the senior really does have an illness? Which potential illnesses should be ignored and which paid attention to?

Ms. Marcell obviously had substantial financial resources that she could throw into the fray. Most families will not be so well endowed. The advice section could have used much more direction for those who are more financially and time constrained than Ms. Marcell was.

Finally, I must say that my hat is off to Ms. Marcell. Her parents are indeed fortunate to have had her as a daughter. You will like her, and what she has to say. Give the book a try!

After you finish reading the book, think about where else character flaws will become greater as people age. I especially encourage you to think about this in terms of your spouse and yourself. A responsible parent would do best to solve these problems in advance, rather than waiting for a child to come along and rescue the situation after it is a mess. If you have any weaknesses that this book reminds you of, I suggest that you apply Life Strategies and Relationship Rescue to help you.

Remember that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. That's an old saw, but this book once again establishes its validity.