Customer Reviews

Elder Rage or, Take My Father... Please! How To Survive Caring For Aging Parents

5 star:		(334)
4 star:		(22)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

Today, we live in such a fast-paced society, forever balancing our own homelife and that of our children, with work schedules, school events, household chores and multiple obligations. All of a sudden, we find our own parent(s)who were once so strong and reliant, have seemingly become the child and the roles have reversed. It is a natural instint of children to want to please their parent(s), so out of parental love, and with a heartfelt sense of gratitude, responsibility and obligation, we take on the additional role of caregiver, mentor, teacher, advisor, and confident to our aging parent(s).

Jacqueline Marcell has a way of making you feel sane again, and at the same time, her wit and writing style will capture your heart and help you to understand you are not alone. Each of us must deal with the situation in our own way, depending on our financial situation, available resources, position in the life's cycle and the allowable time we have to take on the extra responsibility. However, the first-hand experiences of someone who has "been there and done that" can help tremendously.

Over the course of ten years, I watched my father regress, through cancer and age, from a strong, independent, brilliant, business professional to a babbling, hallucinating, demanding, dictator. There comes a time, when constant, professional, around-the-clock care is required, that it may necessary to place the parent in institutionalized care. That decision, in itself, ususally leaves the family with mixed feelings of love and guilt, frustration and betrayal, and a host of other unanticipated, gut-wrenching emotions.

This book helps put the "rage" and other mixed emotions in a much clearer perspective, and leaves you with the understanding it is a natural reaction to feel all those things, it's how you deal with those feelings that is important. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is caring for, or anticipating the care of, an aging parent(s). It probably will not change the inevitable chain of events, but it may bring a sense of balance to your life.

Jacqueline Marcell is the perfect person to help those who must care for aging parents. She has been there, done that. She is an ideal guide through what is often a limbo of survival by hook or crook because she has a sense of humor.

Marcell teaches by example. With a light heart she tells of her own experiences with an aging father and with a system that can be far more exasperating than dealing with her difficult father. The light heart did not come easily. Because of the hard-earned know-how Marcell shares in "Elder Rage," the process will be much easier for you.

This book has been endorsed by many self-help gurus including John Bradshaw and Bernie Siegel. It has a succinct and well-written addendum on treating dementia by Rodman Shankle, MS, MD. He is the former medical direct of the University of California at Irvine's Alzheimer's Center.

Occasionally Marcell lapses into lingo that may be too hip for some; because of that, it might not be understood by some of those in-between generations who aren't suffering from Alzheimer's (yet!), but mostly the humor comes through loud and clear and does exactly what it should do.

Pain and love are often inextricably intertwined; following Marcell's story is like reading any good memoir. Because it's told from the heart, we identify and learn and then learn some more.
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(Carolyn Howard-Johnson [author of] "Harkening"

We have all read stories about the problems of families with verbally and physically abusive fathers. What happens when physical and mental ills cause these problems to get worse when the man gets older? Ms. Jacqueline Marcell writes a compelling (and usually harrowing) tale of her struggle to help both of her parents regain their health and ability to function. She clothes the obvious pain of the circumstances with humor that makes the message easier to absorb. At the end of the book, you will find many helpful suggestions for how to be an effective planner and implementer of good health support for elderly people.

Ms. Marcell's mother had a heart attack, and her domineering father insisted in taking care of everything. After 11 years, Ms. Marcell finds her mother on death's door due to the poor care her father has been providing and the home a pig sty. Despite severe personal problems (such as being in recovery from spinal surgery, losing her job, and ending a long-term relationship), she takes on the difficult and thankless task of getting her parents some help. Her father fights her at every turn, using both charm (when he's in his rational mind) and rage (when he's out of control) to get what he wants. Through a tough battle of over 9 months, she is able to find a winning formula and both parents start to improve. You can continue to read the saga of her parents on her web site.

You have to admire Ms. Marcell's courage, her persistence, and her intelligence. Health care providers did not believe that her father was violent, even after he tried to strangle her. In brief interviews, they found him to be charming and penitent (whenever he was caught in the act). Most things she tried didn't work, because he was a lot worse than anyone realized. Whatever his initial problems were with controlling his anger, they got worse as the arteries to his brain clogged. With lots of medical treatment, drugs, behavioral training, and a fantastic caregiver, miracles finally happened.

If either of your parents was physically or verbally abusive when younger, you should read this book. It is full of practical advice in the section at the end.

I graded the book down one star for an imbalance in the presentation. The first 270 pages are the case history of her experiences. As much as I sympathize with Ms. Marcell's horrible experience, this section needed to be shortened. The benefit you will get by reading it all is a sense of the despair that must fill the days of the child trying to help in such a circumstance. I do not begrudge Ms. Marcell writing so much though. It must have been therapy for her.

On the other hand, most readers will find what they need in pages 272 to the end. You certainly need to read enough of the first 270 pages to get a sense of what the problems are like, but unless you find it fascinating . . . feel free to skip forward. You will not be missing much that you need to know.

At the same time, the general material could have been made more detailed. That would have improved the book and made it more helpful. For example, there is about a half page on how to handle a senior who is feigning illness to avoid going to Senior Day Care. The section is fine, but it deals with the issue at a surface level. This material could easily have been expanded to 5-10 pages. How much effort should go into checking out the potential that the senior really does have an illness? Which potential illnesses should be ignored and which paid attention to?

Ms. Marcell obviously had substantial financial resources that she could throw into the fray. Most families will not be so well endowed. The advice section could have used much more direction for those who are more financially and time constrained than Ms. Marcell was.

Finally, I must say that my hat is off to Ms. Marcell. Her parents are indeed fortunate to have had her as a daughter. You will like her, and what she has to say. Give the book a try!

After you finish reading the book, think about where else character flaws will become greater as people age. I especially encourage you to think about this in terms of your spouse and yourself. A responsible parent would do best to solve these problems in advance, rather than waiting for a child to come along and rescue the situation after it is a mess. If you have any weaknesses that this book reminds you of, I suggest that you apply Life Strategies and Relationship Rescue to help you.

Remember that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. That's an old saw, but this book once again establishes its validity.

I read Jacqueline's book with great interest. The book reads very comfortably. Aging parents are not the easiest to care for. It's an emotional rollercoaster as you'll read in her book. I was horrified and touched by all that the author went through, but she kept pulling through with perseverance, love, and tons of patience. This book has been extremely helpful.

As a student of Gerontology I was anxious to read this book. I laughed (Jackie is a wonderful writer) and cried as I read about Jake and Mariel Marcell. I found this book to be very insightful and agree that it is a must read for anyone who is dealing with the elderly or even studying the subject. Jacqueline Marcell writes in such a way that the reader cannot help but get caught up in what is happening and feel as though you are experiencing everything she is going through first hand. I applaud her for her strength in dealing with her parents (especially her father!), the many caregivers she had to screen and a system that needs a real overhaul when it comes to dealing with the elderly and what is really needed.

She has gone through a lot and thankfully she is sharing what she has learned with the rest of us by writing this book, creating a website ..., and doing speaking engagements.

Jacqueline's story will touch the heart and soul of any family member who has cared for or will care for the elderly. I connected immediately with this story, recently experiencing the nightmare of trying to obtain help for my elderly parents. Just when I thought I had reached my emotional limit, someone recommended "Elder Rage" to me. This book has turned me around.

I know that if this book had been available five years ago, I would have avoided a lot of the current unpleasantness of my family's situation. "Elder Rage" provides sound advice from the voice of experience. It is not only a heartfelt story, but an excellent guide to caring for the elderly and for locating appropriate help. It is useful both as a planning resource and a healing mechanism.

I have looked at and read other books on caring for the elderly, but none present the reality of the daily situation more clearly. I laughed and I cried as I read this book, and realized when I finished it that I felt less alone. I have a new perspective about my role and about my parents. My undying thanks to Jacqueline Marcell.

After reading ELDER RAGE which was recommenede to us by my Fathers doctor, I have found new courage to deal with this " disease" that taken over my father. I was about at witts end and did not know how to cope, then I found that I was not alone and my family was not alone in the struggle of taking one day at a time and never knowing how to deal with and how to handle his rages, and how much medical knowledge you need to care for a loved one in the hospital and get then from there into rehab and then home to where every minuet of your time is consumed with details. This is a wonderful book and will help anyone who is dealing with eldery loved one. Thanks again for all the help it has given my family as we take care of my father.You just dont know how many lives you have touched.

Sue Long

Florence,Al

Thank you, Jackie, Oh Jackie. I really thought that I was losing my mind until I read this book. I never thought that my mother was probably in the beginner stages of Alzheimers', or dementia, and that is probably why her behavior is so illogical and downright violent. I'd like to take her to the doctor, but I doubt if she would go. She probably is very scared herself of what is happening to her. At least I know now not to blame myself, she is very good at making me feel guilty about her condition. Thanks again, Jackie Oh!

In Elder Rage: How To Survive Caring For Aging Parents, Jacqueline Marcell shares the story of her shocking discovery of how the lives of her elderly parents had deteriorated with the onset of her father's dementia and inability to continue to care for her ailing mother. Elder Rage is more than a personal memoir and eventual success story, it is also a revelation into one of today's rapidly burgeoning problems of elder care and what resources are available for caregivers in dealing with problems of their parent's senility, character disorders, and age-based health issues. Of special value is the addendum "A Physician's Guide To Treating Aggression In Dementia With The Proper Medications" by former Medical Director of the UC Irvine Alzheimer's Clinic, Rodman Shankle, M.D. Elder Rage is very highly recommended reading for anyone concerned about dealing with an aging parent's needs when impacted by dementia or Alzheimers.

I purchased this book out of desperation when I lived with my father for 3mos to help him move to an assisted living apartment. When my father became abusive & confused & biligerent I needed help. Elder Rage showed me step by step information on how to notify the DMV to revoke his liscence. The book gave my hours of laughter as Jacqueline brought light humor into several familiar situations I could not laugh at at the time. Also the reference books included inb her book were also helpful at my local library. One day when I needed to call the police on my father it was very interesting to be told that the local police used Elder Rage as their text for training in Alzheimer's. Elder Rage was informative throughout her book & also a supportive manual for anyone going through a tough love situation with their parents. Without the informatin given to me in Elder Rage concerning the DMV, Do not strike a parent but call the police due to elder abuse & behavior modification I would not have completed my mission. Jacqueline's account of tough love & persistance & humor & information is must read for everyone.