Customer Reviews

Fatherloss: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Deaths of Their Dads

5 star:		(13)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

This is an incredible book. Well researched, superbly written, and profound. As a psychologist, I learned more about male grief from this book than any other. As a father and a son, I reached a deeper understanding of the father/son relationship. I encourage therapists who work with men to read this book. And I highly recommend it to any man who has lost his dad, and to any woman who is in a relationship with a man who is grieving father loss.

In Fatherloss, Mr. Chethik has combined powerful story telling with quality survey research to give us a fresh picture of men and loss. The book is surely to be respected academically, but reaches the reader's heart in a way no academic book can. He brings fathers and sons to life, sometimes in their own words, and always in his eloquent descriptions of character and events. He also includes some fascinating research about historical and contemporary men. I was especially fascinated in the stories of John F. Kennedy Jr., and Michael Jordon.

I was personally moved by this very readable book, but also feel I have become much better informed about the hearts and minds of my fellow men. I also asked my wife to read it even though I have not yet lost my father. I believe it will help her understand my gender. Thank you, Neil Chethik, for writing this power book.

In his sensitive and thorough new book, journalist and father Neil Chethik scrutinizes the profound relationship of fathers and sons. But his insights affect all of us -- mothers and daughters, as well. Through his exhaustive and remarkable research, he uncovers and details stories of men of all ages who were changed, reshaped and reborn after the loss of their fathers. As the mother of three sons, I was deeply moved by the impact a father has on his son and will use this bountiful and explicit information in trying to help my own sons on their journeys to understand who they are and what it means to be a man.

I applaud Neil for so bravely and expertly writing a book that goes far beyond the superfical and offers wisdom and solid evidence of the complicated bond of father and son. His years as a columnist have taught him to tell a story well and his years as a newspaper reporter and editor have given him the skills to back up every story with solid information. He has done a masterful job and it is a book that all of us need to embrace to understand who we are, where we have been and where we are going. A marvelous book that everyone needs to read.

Neil Chethik has performed a great service for all of us--- those who have lost a father to death, those who are distant from their living fathers and those who have the opportunity to make the most of the time they still have with their fathers. Perfect or imperfect, loved or loathed, present or absent, your father is the most important man in your life. What you have been, what you are, and what you will be are all shaped by your Dad. But, don't forget Dad's simple humanity. The quality of your relationship with your Dad depends upon the efforts of both of you. With weaknesses, fears, worries and limitations like anyone, most Dads simply do or did the best they could. Sometimes, you can't understand the value of something until it is gone. Fatherloss gives comfort to those who have lost their Dads and gives the rest of us good reason to get to know our Dads and ourselves while we have the chance.

First, I am pleased to see the 5-star reviews dominating the customer reviews. I finished reading FatherLoss about three weeks ago, but I had to wait to write this review because something was going on as a result. Since reading FatherLoss, I have had talks with my wife and my mother and sister that I never thought I could have. And my brother, who I never talked to about such things, opened up to me for the first time in 36 years. We lost my father suddenly in 1965 -- at a very young age for all of us. I truly wish now that I had this book back then, even at a young age. How helpful it would have been for my mother, to give her guidance, to read to us for reassurance and understanding of our emotions. So many things I thought were wrong about me turned out to be "normal." Thank Mr. Chethik for making his book available now. For all persons who have suffered loss, or who know somebody who has -- get this book; get it for a friend, a spouse, any relative. All aspects, all ages, all problems, all relationships can be found in FatherLoss as it relates to a son's loss of his father and all consequences for all persons associated with the suffering son. It is for women in love with such sons, for their sisters and mothers -- and for the son himself. I have seen Mr. Chethik present a reading and discussion at the Unitarian Church of Evanston. Beyond the hard work and thoughtfulness of his book, Neil Chethik is a kind man. For all he has done for me because of the words in the pages of his book, and for countless others, we should all thank him, and wish him great success -- I have no doubt, Mr. Chethik, that your son looks at you and thinks, "My father -- he's MY father." Thank you and congratulations.

I am one of the four per cent of American sons who have experienced the death of their fathers before the age of eighteen. More than any other occurence in my life, that single event informs me of who I am, what I represent and how I hope to live my life. My bereavement has now lasted some forty years, and, at times, my grief is so freshly-minted it is as if Joe, my father, died just yesterday. Despite the enormous love I held for him, despite the knowledge that he reciprocated that love, I am still in mourning. As an adult and the father of two extraordinary sons myself, I yearn for a sense of peace, for a farewell to Joe, so that I may live the remainder of my life not suffused with the pain of loss.

A friend who has experienced torment over fatherloss encouraged me to read Neil Chethik's "Fatherloss." Knowing the depth of my despair, my friend sensed that reading "Fatherloss" could become a transforming experience. It was.

"Fatherloss" is a detailed study of the impact of a father's death on sons. It comforts, illuminates and instructs. Chethik interweaves anecdotal responses of bereaved sons with his own life-affirming observations and commentaries. His volume gently tears down walls of silence and suffering; it is not only profoundly moving, it is liberating in the understandings it presents to its readers. As Chethik maps the differing responses of sons to father death through the variables of age, prior relationship and impact, he sheds light on the dilemmas and pain sons face as they attempt to mourn, assess loss and rejoin the living.

I now realize that I am far from alone in my reaction to my father's death. Like many sons whose fathers' premature death shattered their lives, I never said goodbye to Joe. Never told him how much I loved him. Never gave him a final kiss. Never thanked him. And the resultant guilt and false sense of responsibility for his death caused my adolescence to be a period of unceasing loneliness and emotional isolation. I disintegrated, despite the outward appearance of success and attainment.

Chethik postulates that instead of words and tears (traditionally associated with female mourning practices), men often act. We make or create legacies. My headlong descent into a life of achievement and altruistic service, my feelings of never quite being able to live up to Joe's gigantic presence, my rejection of praise and any other compliment that would permit me to feel good about my life -- all these behaviors, in Chethik's wise hands, make sense and fit into a larger mosaic of how men respond to loss.

Not every page of "Fatherloss" will be crucial to every reader; after all, it was difficult for me to identify with sons who had no relationship with their father or sixty-year-olds who had ample time to prepare for the demise of their father. Thus, some passages of this volume may appear to border on the irrelevant to a number of readers. Yet, "Fatherloss" provides solace, guidance and hope as nothing else I have read in my life has. There are paragraphs in this remarkable volume which will graft themselves on sons' hearts, where their impact will engender a sense of hope, a sanctification of memory and a capacity to relinquish grief. The sheer principled beauty of "Fatherloss" is its affirmation of life through the passageway of grief.

In the spring of 2001, one marvelously beautiful day, I met a man as I was entering a nursing home that I visit. I commented on the beauty of the day and said that it would be the perfect day to be out on the lake, fishing. He told me that the last time he had been fishing was fifteen years before, with his dad. "I haven't fished since," he said. Such is the impact of grief. And, for this man, the grief was still fresh, felt strongly on pretty spring days.

One of the most frequent questions we get at ElderHope.com is from wives who are witnessing the pain of their husband's grief. For both men and women, FatherLoss, by Neil Chethik and Robert Kastenbaum, is an oasis. Based on careful research, he explains the patterns of loss associated with a father's death, ways to prepare our sons, and ways that we might come to terms with the death of a father.

For the better part of a year, this book lingered in the background of my thoughts as I considered what my son might do if he lost me and what I would feel if I lost my own father. Whether you have lost your father or not, I consider this a MUST READ.

I only ever saw my father cry twice - the first time was when he accidentally burned himself and was in severe pain, and the second time was at his father's funeral. Now that my father has died, just a week ago, I feel as though a part of my world has come crashing down before me...or perhaps behind me.

This wonderful book is a look at how the loss of a father can affect a man. Based on a nationwide survey of over 300 men, with in-depth interviews of 70 others, the book is a wonderful resource. The first part of the book contains four chapters which tell of how sons of different age brackets (0-17, 18-32, 33-55, and 56 & up) dealt with the loss of their fathers. The second part of the book covers everything from preparing for fatherloss, through mourning, how spouses can help, and advice on affectionate fathering. And, sprinkled throughout are short reports of how famous men felt about the loss of their fathers, including Michael Jordan, Mahatma Gandhi, and Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Overall, I found this to be a wonderful resource. I have read a number of books on men (Iron John, and so forth), but this is one of the most profound books I have ever read. My one complaint about it is that I did not get a hold of this book until after my father had passed. I wish I had read it much earlier!

Don't get me wrong, all sorts of relationships are covered, including how men who had distant or fractured relationships with their fathers dealt with the mourning. It truly has something for everyone.

So, if you are a man with a living father, then I would recommend you get this book in preparation for the loss that will inevitably come. Or, if you are a wife, and wish to prepare yourself for what your husband will face and feel and need, then this book is for you. I give this book my highest recommendations!

I found 2 kinds of books about bereavement when I lost my father: some press the grieving toward restored optimism, and others survey how the grieving deal with loss. This book is among the latter.

Chethik uses third person narratives divided into age groups and a loose chronology of grief, thus it's easy to read in a non-linear sequence. The writing is sufficiently plain and distant to not intrude on the bereaved's shattered worldview. This isn't a surrogate therapist and there's no insistence on being happy again.

Chethik neither criticizes nor defends or naturalizes the grieving styles of men; in fact, he mostly avoids the question of what makes men's grief unique. Instead, he focuses on a narrow section of people experiencing loss and reports their amazingly varied responses. He does present some conclusions: I found his four categories of mourning styles contrived, and the chapter on affectionate fathering felt didactic and indulgent.

This book gives information and therein is comforting, especially in contrast to books that misuse Kubler-Ross's stages or rush to brighten the dark period of loosing a loved one--and thus feel trivializing at the time when comfort is needed the most. Chethik's book has been valuable to me from the first week on, and his avoidance of value judgments makes it a versatile and useful source of help.

Chethik weaves the stories of those he has interviewed with other literary and archival sources, providing a balanced and raw view of how the loss of a father impacts men at different ages. Of all the books I purchased for my son and me since his father died earlier this year, this is the only one that my son actually read. Most of the workbooks and other resource books on grieving are corny, overly-dramatic and frankly somewhat effeminate and did not engage a teenage boy in any way. This one allows some perspective, emotion and a sense that what one is experiencing in grief is not a singular phenomenon.
I highly recommend this book as an alternative to the "touchy-feely" sector of this market.

In the days following the sudden and completely unexpected death of my best friend's father, I was grappling to understand anything. This book helped me understand a bit what he was going through and what kind of support he needed not only in those first days, but for weeks, months, and years to come.