Customer Reviews

Fathers' Rights: Hard-hitting And Fair Advice For Every Father Involved In A Custody Dispute

5 star:		(12)
4 star:		(5)
3 star:		(8)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(7)

 

 

Having helped a few male friends fight for Fathers rights when their ex's tried to pull a fast one and use the kids as a pawn in a custody fight I was disappointed that the authors did not provide KEY help, like how in the hell do some fathers who are paying thru the nose, and trying to keep their own heads above water AFFORD an attorney? I am always looking for that ONE great book I can give to men when I sense divorce is in the offing and I am sure the woman will take him for all he is worth and use the kids as the carrot to get more and more.

Sadly this wasn't the book. What we need is a few wise men who have been thru this school of hard knocks to write a co-op book that gives specifics. A book that would list non-profits and lawyers etc who give a damn about the FATHER. Simply because (contrary to popular belief) Fathers are grieving the loss of the marriage and kids and what the future holds. Fathers need a book that says "I understand I have been there and here are the ten things you NEED to do". Heck I was able to help my friends better than this book written by "professionals". Grrrrrrrrr

I had a GREAT Dad and have a GREAT husband and as the Mother of a Son even if he marrys a woman we all think is a gift, I will always want him to be educated about his rights. But for now my quest for a book that will help my males friends continues. Let me know if you know of such a book.

Although I cannot speak for all non-custodial parents (Typically fathers), I can say that when I discovered this book during the winter of 1998, I felt that the author was almost speaking directly to me. Mr. Leving uderstands that our courts and our court-appointed visitation and custody mediators are profoundly gender biased. Prior to reading Fathers's Rights (How very few there are!), I had attended father-support groups for three years, and I had heard some real horror stories, especially concerning problems with denial of visitation. Mr. Leving acknowledges the fact that most mothers do not consider the fathers' visitation right as important-they view these rights as gifts or privileges for them to bestow at their wim. For the many fathers who have had to fight with the tenacity of a pit bull, this book speaks to them. It is further intersting to note that while our society continually decries the absence of fathers, it fails to acknowledge just how difficult it is for fathers to be granted even a modicum of visitation rights, and how equally apathetic judges are when it comes to enforcing them. Indeed, a father who stands on his rights stands on quicksand. It is my belief that if the mothers do not want the fathers in the childrens lives, than the mothers should not have chldren with the fathers. Instead, most mothers enforce the double standard. Unfortunately, Mr. Leving has no advice for the fathers who are poor and must represent themselves as Pro Se litigents. My answer was to go to the local law library and photocopy the statutes on Visitation and Child Support. I then read How To Reprensent Yourself In Court, published by Nolo Press. The modern father needs to become involved with Father Support Groups, and learn all he can about the few legal rights he has. Reading the statutes on visitation is not all that complex. It is also helpful when you do need an attorney that you know the rules of the game. Mr. Leving's book was, for me, a great place to start.

This book would have been better if it had been called "If You're a Dad, Stay Out of Court If You Can."

With the increase in divorce and changes in way men want to be spend time with their kids as fathers, it's predictable that the number of custody cases will also rise. But little has changed in terms of gender bias. The mother still typically gets the kids, especially if they are young. After my ex took our daughter out of state when our daughter was two and remarried (her third husband), she thought I should disappear and made visitations increasingly difficult. After five years of this, I went to court thinking I could get better visitations, and, at the least, peace of mind by having he the agreement redone. Although I don't regret going to court because my ex was forced to abide by a clearer agreement, I ended up paying more in child support even though my ex made twice what I did at the time, about 15k to my attorney, and had LESS time with my daughter. (I have a Ph.D., a full time job as a prof, no criminal record, no substance abuse, etc., and I had joint custody when my ex left the state. Even though my ex taught one class a semester as a prof, she had our daughter in full time daycare, and even though she described her new husband as "abusive" both to her and to our daughter, the shrink didn't care.) In my state, the court appoints a "guardian ad litem," a shrink who reports to the court. His or her decision is basically final. You can't take hoim to court and examine him. What happens in cases of conflict, I learned later, is that the shrink always shortens the visitations. So if you are not the custodial parent and a man, the deck is really stacked against you. Thus, I would say that if you can manage to negotiate with your ex out of court, by all means do so. Go to court ONLY AS A LAST RESORT. I had a very good attorney. But there was no way I could win. Moreover, the shrink made a new recommendation each year for the whole coming year, so that cost another 500 each year. The good thing is that it was all worth it in terms of the visitations being made more exact. (In our initial agreement, only th enumber of vistations was agreed to, not their length or their dates.) As my daughter has gotten older, she has begun to see for herself just how how unreasonable my ex is (I decided it was best to let her figure things out for herself rather than comment on them to her). I remarried happily when my daughter was eight, and my wife and I have a two year old son, who my daughter loves. So things have worked out, especially for my daughter and me, but also for her and my new wife, and for my wife and me, because we don't have to communicate with my ex (except about pick ups and drop-offs).

In some ways, the court system is a terrible racket. The courts pass the buck to the shrinks, and the shrinks pass the buck right back to the court. Everyone claims to be acting in the "best interest of the child," but that is just empty rhetoric. So stay out of court, if you can. Present yourself as calm and reasonable if you do go to court, and do not correspond by email with your ex. Also, make sure you research the shrinks. Some of them are very conservative about visitations, others are much more reasonable. And use that "best interest of the child" rhetoric too. Never talk about your own needs. They don't count. Somehow, the idea that a child would benefit from having her father be financially stable and emotionally happy is not an idea that shrinks or the courts care apparently about. Don't talk much about yourself unless asked. Don't talk about your ex, and don't express any anger aout her. Do talk about how much you love your daughter. Cry. Get very emotional about ho wmuch you miss her, how you ar concerned about her. And if you do to court, get an agreement that spells everything out in advance--exact dates, etc, for as long in advance as you can. That cuts down on any need to interact with ex. And of course, never talk to your kids about any conflict over the visitations, even if your ex is, and don't talk to them about your ex either, even if she is the ex from hell. Shield them from the conflict as much as you can.

I AM NOT 12 YEARS OLD. THE BOOK WAS WONDERFUL. AFTER READING THE BOOK, I RECOMMENDED THE LAW FIRM OF JEFFREY LEVING TO MY SON. HIS FIRST ATTORNEY BILLED HIM $9000 IN FEB 2000. HE NEVER GOT TO EVEN SEE HIS SON FOR OVER 2 MONTHS. HIS SON WAS ONLY 8 MONTHS OLD AT THE TIME. WHEN MY SON HAD HIS COURT APPEARANCES HIS FIRST ATTORNEY FROM THE FIRM NEVER EVEN SHOWED UP. IT WAS NOT UNTIL HE SAW HIS WIFE THERE, THAT HE REALIZED THAT THEY WERE DISCUSSING HIS CASE. ABOUT A MONTH LATER HIS FIRST ATTORNEY FROM THE JEFFREY LEVING LAW FIRM SUDDENLY LEFT THE FIRM. NO EXPLANATION. MY SON THEN STARTED WORKING WITH A NEW ATTORNEY FROM THE FIRM AND PAID ANOTHER $8000. HE FINALLY GOT TO HAVE HIS SON FOR 4 HRS 2 TIMES PER WEEK IN MAY, BUT ONLY BECAUSE OF MEDIATION WITH A THIRD PARTY. MY SON IS A FINE UPSTANDING CITIZEN, HE IS NOT A CRIMINAL, AND HAS NO PSYCHIATRIC HISTORY. IT IS NOW SEPTEMBER. HIS ATTORNEY CALLED HIM LAST EVENING TO REMIND HIM THAT HE WOULD SEE HIM IN COURT. AGAIN, WHEN HE GOT TO THE COURTROOM, A DIFFERENT ATTORNEY FROM THE FIRM WAS THERE, NOT HIS LAWYER HE HAD BEEN DEALING WITH. THE STAND IN ATTORNEY DID NOT INTRODUCE HIMSELF, GIVE HIM A BUSINESS CARD, OR SHAKE HIS HAND. AGAIN, HE REALIZED HE HAD A STAND IN BECAUSE HE SAW HIS WIFE'S ATTORNEY GO BEFORE THE JUDGE. THE JUDGE AWARDED HIS WIFE 40%(WHAT WAS REQUESTED BY HIS WIFE'S ATTORNEY} OF HIS TAKE HOME PAY. NO INCREASE IN VISITATION. AFTER THE RULING, MY SON TOLD THE STAND IN "THAT IS 40% OF MY TAKE HOME PAY" THE STAND IN ATTORNEY FOR THE JEFFREY LEVING FIRM TOLD HIM "TOO BAD YOU WORK FOR YOUR MOTHER, THE NUMBERS CAN BE MANIPULATED TOO EASILY" "YOU ALSO HAVE TO PAY YOUR WIFE'S ATTORNEY $5000 BY THE END OF THE MONTH OR OUR FIRM CAN NO LONGER REPRESENT YOU." I THINK THE FIRM RIDES ON THE NAME AND REPUTATION OF JEFFREY LEVING. I STILL ENDORSE THE BOOK HIGHLY, BUT IN NO WAY WOULD I EVER RECOMMEND SENDING ANY LOVED ONE TO THE FIRM.

First let me say that I have read dozens of books on Father's rights. As someone who has been involved in a long-term divorce and custody action, I felt it was imperative to educate myself "outside of the box". What I found was that while many self-help books offer good advice and content, none have done so within the context of the American legal system. No matter what is said about good intentions, it always comes down to legal issues in conjunction with behavioral and mental issues.

This book is worth its weight in gold. Written by an attorney with vast experience in Father's rights cases, it is a no BS manual for determining your situation and finding a roadmap to its conclusion. Excellent informational content, well-written, and methodically walks the reader through the different phases, scenarios, and pitfalls of impending litigation, whether it be a simple way to craft a parenting agreement or all-out war.

I whole-heartedly recommend this book as the single best resource you can find for Father's engaged in divorce and custody issues. Real-world advice that's on target. I have engaged four different attorneys in two states in a three year cross-state litigation case involving UCCJEA, and spent 30k in fees for worthless representation until I found my current attorney. If these professionals had the cumulative experience that was documented in this book, and had they been able to trasfer that information to me in its entirety, I could have saved myself a ton of problems.

Do yourself a favor and buy this book.

The focus of this book is how to be a good client and identify a good attorney and be responsive to their needs. Unfortunately, most divorced dads after a period of time, do not have the funds for an attorney so we buy books to educate ourselves.

Nothing is mentioned about the male who represents themselve in court. How self-serving for an attorney to market himself as the only option.

Fortunately, fathers are becoming more aggressive in the protection of their rights. Robert Seidenberg in his book The Father's Emergency Guide gives a divorced dad a better understanding as to what he is up against.

Forget about the traditional male role and focus on staying in your children's lives rather than trying to save a marriage. Your ex-wife has plans, you need to have yours as well!

The author of the book, Jeffery Leving, is a well-known divorce lawyer in the Chicago-area, solely because of his commercials shown between Jenny Jones-esque talk shows. Because of the shady credibility that I associate with these lawyers, I wasn't sure what to expect from Leving's book. I can only really say one thing about this book - WOW! Not only is Leving a great writer, but I believe his advice will be truly valuable. (My husband will be fighting his ex-wife for custody in the coming months.) His advice includes what to look for when choosing a lawyer, ways to deal with the "ex", how to respond to interviews by court officials and "experts", and helping your child(ren) through the whole ordeal. I must have highlighted half of the book while reading it! Finally, although Leving makes note of the gender bias in the domestic court system, he does not focus on the issue. That is, where other books whine excessively about the bias problem, Father's Rights addresses gender bias in the courts but then moves on to bigger and more important issues. This is definitely a must-read for any father who sees a custody battle in his future.

I felt compelled to write about this book after reading one of the reviews on it apparently written by a female.

The review yearned for a REAL fathers advocate book written by someone who has been there and lived through the HELL that is divorce, custody and a compete loss of everything that resembled "my life" - after I caught my wife cheating on me.

I read this book during the first stages of my divorce and did not find it overly helpful. BUT, it was the only book that I found that spoke of what was about to happen.

I have been writing columns and attending divorce/mens support groups for two years now and am VERY despondent about what I am seeing.

Fathers rights is the "civil rights" story of this decade and it needs to be SEEN and SPOKEN about in the media.

I have been on a personal crusade to get groups organized in DENVER and to get any media outlet to focus on men's rights but I get NOTHING back - I have emailed Dr Phil, 20/20, every possible media outlet and all I get back is more stories on "deadbeat dads" and Women and Domestic violence.

Bad news GUYS:

We know the courts do not care -
We know the laws are laughably biased -
We know the media would rather propagate more female friendly stories -

But most guys do not ask WHY THIS IS.

I see this as Men not taking action. Men avoid support groups because we are supposed to "suck it up".

Men - WAKE UP - Get active.

If I cannot get this story on 20/20 or Dr Phil, it is because MEN are NOT the audience.

DO men vote, do men get involved in local politics, do men go to therapy to Resolve "their" issues. And these issues could include "how to deal with the powerlessness you feel in the system".

I am working to put together articles I have written about MY experience -
And it was/is horrible:

Wife cheats - gets caught - blames me for her behavior. Badgers the police with false charges against me - of which, I have to expend money to fight her.

My son (8) has cancer. My wife continued to change appointment times and cancel times.

AND GUESS WHAT GUYS:

When you get a Child Advocate or Child Family Investigator:

The game is:

As a MEN, you can never get angry.

If the ex plays with parenting time.

You cannot get angry.

If the ex uniformly ignores Permanent Orders.

You cannot get angry.

If the MAN gets angry the courts will CRUCIFY YOU.

I have documented my experiences and have read most every book (recommend Divorce Poison!!!!!) and plan to get this issue NATIONAL Attention.

I am not optimistic at the moment.

Finally, men, remember, no matter what transpires - no matter the complete injustice of the courts, lawyers, your ex's horrible wrath -

Remember that everything is about the kids. One mistake by you, as the male and father, and the system will take your kids away from you.

Make sure EVERY action is done with this in mind.

regards

Mike

The author of this book certainly does not say anything that is untrue, even given the huge disparity of laws in the 50 states. However, on the front cover, among other things, he says you will learn how to:
*Find an effective and empathetic attorney
*Avoid unfavorable custody arrangements
*Overcome the "tender years" bias
*Remain financially solvent
To be quite honest, being the second wife of a man who has been taken to the cleaners repeatedly by a devious first wife who has no moral compass, all I can say is this book must contain magical powers, because that is the only way any of these things are going to happen.

First off, as far as finding an effective attorney, forget about it. The author's advice is pollyanna-ish at best. Attorneys are foremost interested in making money, and family law only pays off in volume. Therefore your case will get the obligatory two hour cram session from your attorney just prior to court. Plan on doing any real investigation yourself, and realize you are going to probably have to give your attorney a script of questions to read in court because these people are not "out of the box" thinkers.

As far as avoiding unfavorable custody arrangements and overcoming the tender years bias, remember that judges are generally from the most conservative ranks of lawyers, and lawyers are from the most conservative ranks of society. I'm not talking about "conservative" in political terms. I'm talking about conservative in terms of conserving and never questioning the status quo, and the status quo is father = cash machine, mother = protector of civilization. Nothing but divine intervention is going to overcome that. Daniel Broderick overcame it, but then look what happened to him. The author of this book misleads you into believing that the system is remotely fair and unbiased, probably because he has been part of the system and cannot see it for what it is.

As far as remaining financially solvent, the author completely overlooks the most important factor of all - which state you live in. Some states, such as Texas and New York, have absolute limits of 25% of your pre-tax income put on child support. As much as the courts and the mother of your children would love to pick your pockets for more money, this is all they are going to get. However, if you are unfortunate enough to live in the state of Virginia, there is no limit on alimony or child support and you can wind up with negative income flow, which happened in the case of my husband's divorce and is happening now in the case of an acquaintance and his divorce. In fact, the financial ruin of a Virginia divorce is the reason Aldrich Ames gave for becoming the worst spy in American history.

In summary, although I may seem harshly critical, this book is moderately helpful as to absolute facts and a mentality you must take if you are on the road to litigation. However, I subtract two stars because I think it gives false hope to single fathers and their probable future in terms of staying close to their children and not winding up in debtor's prison if the mother is determined to fight. I've been up close and personal with this ongoing problem in my husband's life for the past 14 years, so I think I know what I'm talking about.

Our society craves for equal treatment regardless of gender, race, religion, etc... But any father that has been divorced in recent years has found out that equal treatment is only a myth. Sure, there are cases where women have been beaten, abused and abandend, and there should be guidelines that protect those women IF that is the case. But for a loving, caring responsible father with no history of abusive behavior to be disadvantaged because of those bad apples is just plain discrimination. Unfortunately, our children, who should be least impacted by the divorce become the most. They become alienated at the behest of our current judicial system. This book suggests that the court system put the childrens well being well above EITHER parents and offers equitable solutions to consider. As a divorced father of 3 wonderful children, I would consider this book mandatory reading to any father going through a divorce, as well as any attorney dedicated to doing the right thing for our divorced families. If I were able to go back in time, I would have asked my attorney to read this book and comment on it BEFORE I would consider to have him represent me. I found the book easy to read and practicle. I especially like the authors suggestions on difusing an argumentive and vindictive spouse. As the author wrote, "An eye for an eye, and we ALL go blind". Try professional counceling and stay married if you can, but if that isn't possible, buy his book