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Father's Touch

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For an entire family to endure oppression and sexual abuse by a father - the protector - is unthinkable. Though, as Donald D'Haene sets out early in his book, "Fathers Touch", it does happen and unfortunately, probably more often than we know.
Danald's life story is not only of physical and sexual abuse, but also of religious oppression. It's quite obvious Donald's and his siblings abuse could have stopped, years earlier, if it were not for the secret system of the Jehovah's Witnesses.
"Father's Touch" will keep you wanting to know what's around the corner on the next page.

Thank you Donald for sharing with us your pain and your survival.

Bryan Lee McGlothin

Very often, when sexual abuse survivors tell their tale, they have been made to feel so much like objects that even as adults their earlier thoughts and feelings remain hidden. In this case, however, the author has given us glimpses of the inner life of a child terrorized by a man given permission by a patriarchal religious background to be "head of the household": that is, a darth vader, the head domestic terrorist.

As the tale unfolds you can see how the perpetrator isolates, then brainwashes his victims while increasing their physical and psychological dependency on him. And how black-white, this-that, right-wrong beliefs merely reinforce his own absolutist opinions and literalistic excuses for seduction and violence. The self-justifications, the lies, the false faces and twisted thinking were familiar to me through my counseling work with perpetrators, whose primary agenda is the complete control of family members.

What the author also details for us is the adulthood fallout of abuse, and the lifelong struggle for clarity. Sticking closely to his experiences, he shows us what it is to try assembling a self without having had a sense of self--and burdened at the same time with the hyper-rigid shoulds, oughts, and other forms of shame and self-hatred deposited into his psyche by the abuser. (I believe it was Elie Wiesel who said that it's always the victims who feel shame, not the executioners.)

A particularly sad moment: sitting in the courtroom hearing attorneys warp a sexual abuse case into a religious battle, the author thinks: why did I put myself through this ordeal? Such legalistic wranglings only serve the perpetrator, of course, mirroring as they do his own attempts to control other people through misrepresentation, procedural weaknesses, and word games.

In spite of this, the author moves ahead with his own healing, demonstrating that the benefits of asserting oneself don't necessarily depend on happy outcomes, legal or otherwise. To find that the world isn't so bad a place to inhabit in spite of all the suffering, and to become comfortable with one's differentness, are only two of the treasures he uncovers on his pilgrimage. A third is learning to get more comfortable--despite abuse, rejection by "Christian" elders, and a homophobic society--with being gay, a thing hard to come by even without having been incested or raised in a fragmented family. (Remarkably, the abuser has written about the sinfulness of his son's homosexuality. Apparently it's OK to terrorize an entire family, use spirituality for subjugation, and even rape one's children--but not OK for a man to show love to another man. The family values of perpetrators and those who support them are truly unique.)

Finally, the book is also a topical reminder that sexual abuse is not confined to (or mismanaged by) the Catholic Church, and that many "Christian" organizations are more interested in protecting their clergy than its victims. In this they resemble the gentlemen whom Jesus criticized for shutting the door on those who follow. Not every church, temple, or parish provides a safe haven for perpetrators, of course--but an emphasis on politics, male control of women, missionary persuasion, ideological domination, and uncritical obedience make large religious organizations attractive to victimizers looking for protection and self-authorization. The more political an organization, the greater its usefulness to predators adept at making rigid rules work in their favor.

I recommend this book to abuse survivors actively engaged in the struggle for selfhood.

"A Father's Touch" is the the autobiographical story of a boy growing up in a family dominated by an abusive and unhinged father. Even though D'Haene's relationships with his siblings and loving mother are positive, it does not erase his suffering. In fact, all the family members suffer at the hands of the father; no one is spared. And no one is able to stop the father's abuses, even when the mother finally moves her children out of the home. D'Haene writes of his rural Canadian small town, where, even when other adults in the community find out about what is going on in his home, nothing is done to help or protect his family. Thus he touches on a dynamic that too few people are willing to grapple with: for every perpetrator there is a cadre of people in his community willing to aid and abet him by doing nothing or not enough to intervene.

Despite the horror that D'Haene recounts, the book is a very good read. The story pulls you in and moves right along. D'Haene's characterizations are well-drawn, utilizing just the right details to give us wonderful snapshots of the various members of his immediate and extended family. Also, he provides some interesting background on his parents' families and the milieu they were raised in (both parents were emigres from Belgium), thus giving us a context to help us understand the dynamics of his immediate family. Moreover, the family background gives food for thought to those of us who wonder about nature vs. nurture in regards to family abuse. It seems that D'Haene's abusive father grew up in a family of hard-working decent people, so anyone wanting to discover the origin of his mental affliction will have to look elsewhere to find a contributing factor.

D'Haene's story makes for painful reading, especially for people who've had similar experiences. However, there is hope in these pages, which are written by a due man who, although raised in an atmosphere of violence and cruelty, seems never to have abandoned his own gentle and loving nature. Thus the story illuminates one of our greatest strengths as human beings: the potential resilience of the individual soul.

Donald D'Haene is an excellent writer,more than capable of expressing his inner thoughts with words to paper and in a style or way readers can fully grasp and appreciate.No doubt, Donald D'Haene's book will help many abuse victims understand they were the victim of a violent crime and should not blame themselves.Donald's book is not only a testament to inner courage on his part;it is about self-discovery and self-liberation against all odds.By exploring and sharing his life experiences and inner thoughts in writing,Donald D'Haene has given the world community a gift of knowledge,shedding light on a topic that is far too often misunderstood.Sadly,the idea that child sexual and psychological abuse should be treated as a "dirty little secret" is still endemic in cultures throughout the world.

As a survivor myself I have read many books by fellow survivors and other experts in the field of sexual abuse. Donald's rendition of his story however, is the most moving and thought provoking one that I have read. The clash of culture between religion and law and the frank disclosure of how even those perceived to be the best among us, simply refuse to get involved with difficult situations, should move and challenge everyone to examine our personal perceptions and make sure we are seeing the world as it is, rather than as we want it to be.

Father's Touch is a poignant, heart wrenching memoir about endurance, survival and triumph over a childhood filled with child sexual abuse. From beginning to end this book will transport you on an incredible journey; you will not be able to put it down. Donald D'Haene addresses male sexual abuse, the least talked about and least recognized of all of the abuses against children. In speaking out Donald gives permission to all male survivors of this terrible crime; not only to speak but also healing and living life to the fullest is a reality. Donald D'Haene is a hero to all survivors of child sexual abuse, but especially to males. He takes away the shame and the blame and focuses it where it belongs - the perpetrators of this vile crime. Father's Touch swings the door wide open to freedom.

Claire R. Reeves
President/Founder
Mothers Against Sexual Abuse
Author: Childhood - It Should Not Hurt

Whan an excellent book. Donald D'Haene is a fantastic author and I look forward to reading his next book. This book is going to open a lot of doors for the children who are still suffering. Donald will get a chance to live his lost childhood through the lives of the children this book is going to help and will also be an inspiration to the adults who are still hurting because of the secrets they hold onto. This book shows how a survivor turned his negative and horrid childhood into something positive. What a brave and gracious person you are Donald D'Haene.

This not only the autobiography of Donald D'Haene but also a family biography. You have likely heard the expression "it takes a village to raise a child" but it also true that it takes a group of people to abuse a child. Nothing happens in a vacuum, no single person is ever totally responsible for abusing someone because others know even if they wish to pretend they do not and societies, be they small religious groups or nations of millions, create dependent relationships that trap the victim. This is not the story of victims, this is a story of survivors, especially Donald himself. The book is told on several levels: First, we see glimpses of the Donald now who is writing this book; then there are two layers of flashbacks -- those triggered during his journey back to the "homes" he knew as a child and young adult as well as the flashbacks he experienced throughout his life; finally the bulk of the book is a chronological account of the abuse and its effects over the years. As someone who has also survived abuse, I can tell you that the feeling such levels creates in a reader only approaches the feelings you deal with throughout your life -- may none of you ever get more than this basic approach. An important book but a difficult book to read if you have a human heart at all.

If the title alone doesn't run a cold shiver down your spine then certainly once you hit the first few chapters of this astoundingly disturbing book the story will more than catch the readers immediate attention.

No, it's not just another whining 'survivor' or 'I overcame it all' type of book but rather an in your face account of a four year old boy, victimized, by his pervert father. With superb writing skills, the author, takes us back into the mind of that boy as he must, with his mother, brothers and sister, live, unprotected and vulnerable while his father continues to play 'The Game'.

The author's family, amazingly enough, members of a very closed and tight knit Christian community of Jehova's Witnesses, continues to live and interact in the community until the pervert father makes a mistake and tries to seduce one of the brothers who finally brings the pedophelia to the light of day.

Needless to say the author soon realizes that his mother, church elders, teachers and even the police repeatedly betray his calls for help displaying nothing more than indifference and cowardice to face up to a disgusting pervert in the community molesting one of his own sons.

Although certainly not my usual reading fare, I couldn't put this book down or stop thinking about the disturbing content. The authors writing skills are superb, the book is an easy read, maintains the readers interest and the story flows. As well, the author certainly avoids the modern day fashionable pitfall of 'Christian bashing' that seems to be a very very popular pastime of the media today.

I recommend this highly thought provoking work, it places some perspective on that dirty little secret, and, the reader should not expect to walk away from this story unscathed .....

Whenever I think about Donald's book, I think about ghosts. Ghosts inhabit the past of many of us, and the horrors of Donald's past abuse and victimization are small evidence of the ghosts who inhabit his. "Father's Touch" tells the story of Donald D'Haene's past to all of us. If you were ever to ask if ghosts were real, "Father's Touch" tells you that Donald's are. He lives with them everyday. They are with him constantly; interrupting him and drawing him back to his past.
This is a story of surviving at a cost. Each member of the D'Haene family pays a high price for their recovery. Donald's solution is clearly exposed: movies that run in his head, film clips that grab his consciousness and return him to his past. "Objects are closer than they appear" is a frightening metaphor of Donald's experience and that of his mother, sister and brothers. This family was done a grave injustice through blindness and ignorance. They were treated badly by a system that was meant to protect them.

This is an amazing story. I was shocked when I read it. It wasn't the story that shocked me or the details of the abuse; I had heard those before. "Father's Touch" shocked me because it is the D'Haene story, the Donald D'Haene story, told true...

We cannot escape our ghosts; they follow us at every turn in our lives, like fate.