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It's All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything [Kindle Edition]

Bill Eddy LCSW Esq.
4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (26 customer reviews)

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Book Description

This is Bill Eddy's book filled with lots of practical methods for handling High Conflict People (HCPs) in any setting, including neighbor disputes, workplace conflicts, family battles, with strangers, etc. HCPs target those close to them and people in positions of authority, so in this book Bill focuses on what to do when YOU are the Target of Blame—and how to avoid (or prevent) being one for long.

It is organized around 12 key Tips (5 Do’s and 7 Don’ts), that simplify large concepts into small, easy-to-remember phrases when you’re under the stress of a high conflict dispute. This book is for the general public, so you can give it to anyone.

The book includes a lot of his latest thinking and reading about the brain, personality development, interesting cases, and the importance of Negative Advocates on a community’s culture of conflict. It also has (of course) a cartoon for each chapter, from Peanuts, Dilbert, and The New Yorker.

Bill goes beyond the information in his previous books, which focused primarily on HCPs in legal settings. He explains the four most common High Conflict Personalities (Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic, Antisocial), with an emphasis on understanding their High Conflict Thinking—and why it is so contagious. Once again, he gives numerous examples—some real, some fictional—to demonstrate the very predictable dynamics of high conflict disputes. High Conflict People seem to be increasing in today’s conflicts worldwide.

As Bill says: “The issue’s not the issue; the High Conflict Personality is the issue.” So prepare yourself by reading IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!


Editorial Reviews

About the Author

William A. ("Bill") Eddy is President of the High Conflict Institute, LLC, in Scottsdale, Arizona, and Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. He is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California with 15 years' experience representing clients in family court and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 12 years' experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples, and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. Since 1983, Bill has also been a part-time mediator with the National Conflict Resolution Center (formerly San Diego Mediation Center), at first as a volunteer and then as a paid mediator. He has mediated neighbor disputes, workplace disputes, landlord-tenant disputes, small business and consumer disputes, school disputes, business disputes, and personal injury cases. He taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years. He provides seminars on mental health issues for judges, attorneys, and mediators, and seminars on law and ethics for mental health professionals. His articles have appeared in national law and counseling journals. He is the author of several books, including High Conflict People in Legal Disputes and SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.

Product Details

  • File Size: 1263 KB
  • Print Length: 370 pages
  • Page Numbers Source ISBN: 0981509037
  • Publisher: High Conflict Institute: Unhooked Books; 1 edition (February 21, 2012)
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B007PG2B5O
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #61,379 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
37 of 41 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Extremely helpful April 7, 2012
By Laura
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
I recently managed an employee who's a high conflict person (probably BPD). I learned so much from this book and it actually gave me empathy for these folks and the fact that you simply can't reason with them. They have such a hair trigger for danger and go into some sort of serious survival mode.

My employee tried to report a "hostile work environment" to HR, but I'd already been talking to HR about her for a period of time. I, also, luckily, had a strong reputation for being very empathetic, fair, and calm.

Her survival technique was to talk to my manager and manager's manager about me, when I tried to enforce any boundaries or work standards. The first time it happened, I became extrememly concerned. But by using these techniques and following the advice in this book--it's almost like she got frustrated that I wouldn't react and quit. She didn't like constructive, simple feedback and from the point I started coaching her and working w/ HR to when she quit only took about two months.

What was scary about this perons, was that she couldn't get through a sentence without twisting things or outright lieing. It's like she was contantly spinning everything to try to manipulate peopel's perception. She'd lie about things it made no sense to lie about. One week she'd storm at me and cry and be going to HR and the next week she'd ask to have lunch as if nothing happened.

I was definitely this person's "Target of Blame", and she did enlist a negative advocate to vent to, but this person ended up being very nice to me, and we get along. I don't doubt it's damaged some of my relationships, which had always been good at work.

It was one of the draining, stressful experiences I've ever been through and this book was a godsend.
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20 of 21 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars How to protect yourself from toxic people February 26, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Bill Eddy's It's All Your Fault is a must-have book for anyone (and that is most of us) who have what he calls High Conflict People in our lives. What makes this book so valuable is that it isn't a psychology book, even though he does briefly write about the origins of the personality disorders that HCPs suffer from. This book is about how to protect yourself from becoming sucked into drama, distorted feelings and paranoia that HCPs bring into our lives. The examples of HCPs that Eddy writes about are those we encounter in legal and business settings. HCPs waste vast amounts of taxpayer money through frivolous and bizarre litigation and can cripple businesses and demoralize their fellow employees with their angry and manipulative behavior. Eddy's advice seems counter-intuitive; he suggests listening to their complaints with what he calls E.A.R., that is Empathy, Attention and Respect. Anything less simply confirms their self-image of themselves as victims, makes their behavior worse and opens us up to being what he calls a target of blame on the HCPs part. We also risk getting sucked into the HCPs drama and taking their side and becoming a negative advocate and unwittingly making a bad situation worse. Eddy wisely writes that HCPs cannot tolerate the slightest amount of criticism and nothing we can do will change them. This is great advice. Other books about dealing with personality-disordered people suggest that we have the capacity to change them and frankly, it's absolutely futile. All we can do is steer clear of them. Eddy also suggests a communication style he calls B.I.F.F. This means keeping our communications with HCPs Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm and establishing strong boundaries with them (since they are incapable of establishing boundaries themselves). This is an invaluable book, clearly and concisely written, and thank you Bill Eddy for making your experience available to us!
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19 of 24 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Help for dealing with tough people May 21, 2011
Format:Paperback
Chances are some time in your life you'll encounter a high conflict person (HCP). An HCP will take things you say and misinterpret them, blame you for everything and can easily convince others that you are off your rocker. Oh, you've experienced this too?

Bill Eddy is the president and co-founder of the High Conflict Institute. He is an attorney, therapist, mediator and public speaker. He provides seminars on mental health issues for judges, attorneys and mediators.

This book is incredibly powerful for three reasons. First, Bill takes all of the psychological terms and makes them understandable to the common man. Then he describes high conflict behavior in a way that makes it easy to identify. Lastly he tells lots of true stories -- making the concepts easy to grasp.

Bill Eddy doesn't tell you how to "beat" the other person in an argument. His whole focus is to help you understand what drives the high conflict person and how to protect yourself and live without lowering yourself to destructive behavior.

Here are few of the key points Bill covers in the "Understanding HCP" section:

-Don't take their personal attacks personally -- it's more about them revealing their hurt and weaknesses than it is about you.
-Don't get involved in retaliating and giving them negative feedback, it just feeds the fire of anger and escalates the situation.
-Don't become a negative advocate. High conflict people have a way of sucking you into their problems and way of thinking. We need to set firm, yet loving boundaries.

In the second half of the book he gives plenty of practical, actionable advice.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Helpful
Published 1 day ago by AJLC
5.0 out of 5 stars I am sleeping better at night already
I live 20 feet from a very aggressive neighbor whom finds fault with me constantly. I have read books on adult bully's and psychopaths but none that give such clear guidelines on... Read more
Published 1 month ago by Lionel Broderick
5.0 out of 5 stars excellent read
Very good text written by a therapist and lawyer. Highly recommend as a way to understand high conflict personalities in your life.
Published 1 month ago by Travel the road
5.0 out of 5 stars Good advice
I've read other books in an effort to find good advice on dealing with a family member with a HCP (high conflict personality), but none really had much to offer besides a... Read more
Published 2 months ago by Benn Walker
4.0 out of 5 stars Great book! I wish more people would take the advice
Often "we are at fault", not "society or our environment or our upbringing". This book shows how to spot the problem and how to OVERCOME the problem in not taking... Read more
Published 5 months ago by Reinhold Betsch
3.0 out of 5 stars Good book
Has a lot of helpful insights for dealing with difficult people who blow up easily. I would definitely recommend it to others.
Published 7 months ago by Carol Meyer
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Resource
This is an excellent resource - and a companion to Bill Eddy's BIFF book - to manage conflict, whether in the workplace, the home or the community. Read more
Published 7 months ago by L. Fraser
4.0 out of 5 stars Clear and actionable
Provides clear and actionable guidance for dealing with high conflict personalities at work and in ones personal life. Read more
Published 7 months ago by lmcm
4.0 out of 5 stars Very helpful
Very practical information on how to deal with difficult people. It helped me quite a bit with one particular troubled person I work with.
Published 7 months ago by mickey mouse
5.0 out of 5 stars Strongly recommend!
This book will help you understand how to communicate effectively with HCP’s. I would recommend this book to anyone wanting to grow and succeed in business. Read more
Published 8 months ago by Dana P.
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More About the Author

Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., is President and co-founder of High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California with over fifteen years' experience representing clients in family court, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years' experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples, and families in psychiatric hospitals and out patient clinics. He is Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California.

He provides seminars on mental health issues for judges, attorneys, and mediators, and seminars on law and ethics for mental health professionals. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and serves as adjunct faculty at the National Judicial College and Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University. His articles have appeared in national law and counseling journals. He is the author of several books, including BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, It's All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Handling People Who Blame Others for Everything, Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce, High Conflict People in Legal Disputes and SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Bill has been a speaker in over 25 states, several provinces in Canada, France, Sweden, and Australia. He has become an authority and consultant on the subject of high conflict personalities for family law professionals, employee assistance and human resource professionals, ombudspersons, healthcare administrators, college administrators, homeowners associations, and others.

Bill obtained his law degree in 1992 from the University of San Diego, a Master's of Social Work degree in 1981 from San Diego State University, and a Bachelor's degree in Psychology in 1970 from Case Western Reserve University. He began his career as a youth social worker in a changing neighborhood in New York City and first became involved in mediation in 1975 in San Diego.



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