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Faulty Gratification (An Ineeda Halfbaked Vampire Humper Almost Story Book 1) [Kindle Edition]

P. Arody
3.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)

Print List Price: $7.99
Kindle Price: $0.99
You Save: $7.00 (88%)

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Book Description

"My name is Ineeda Halfbaked. Vampires call me "The Necroboinker". I call them whenever I can, but so few respond.

Ever since the government granted the undead the same rights as the rest of us enjoy, most people think vampires are just people with fangs and endless stamina. I know better. I've been boinking them for years. I carry condoms just in case...

But now a killer is forcing vampires in to the sunlight for sun bathes, but it isn’t me that’s responsible —and the head vampire Nonetheless, wants me to find out why... or else she will make me her playmate for eternity. A fate far worse than death."

"In a time and place where anything with or without a pulse has been declared citizens of the United States (as long as they didn’t enter the country illegally and can prove it), Ineeda Halfbaked is an "necromangler" - a job that involves resurrecting the dead and wrangling them temporarily for mourning family and for her own pleasures. But Ineeda is also called the Necroboinker. A fearless humper of vampires and anything else she can get her hands on. She's often called on by the cops as a last resort to offer an opinion on cases that are strange or kinky. But as Ineeda gains the attention of the vampire head of her hometown of St Blewus, she also has to find time to satisfy her urges and someone to satisfy them with. Which is getting harder and harder to do. If she doesn’t get it all done quickly, she will spend eternity in the Playroom from hell.

Product Details

  • File Size: 161 KB
  • Print Length: 265 pages
  • Page Numbers Source ISBN: 147528862X
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Not Enabled
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,018,084 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
10 of 12 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars A parody long overdue! September 18, 2010
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Regardless of whether or not you're a fan of the Anita Blake series, you have to agree that the series is long overdue for a published parody. (After all, other series that haven't been around as long have received parodic versions.) Now if you're a die-hard & you're thinking "OMG- this is terrible", relax. There's nothing wrong with a parody as long as it is done in good fun, which this one is. (Note: In order to stay within the bounds of amazon's kosher guide, I'm going to do a lot of tapdancing around the whole "getting jiggy with it" stuff so my review can pass muster. Needless to say, hankypanky is a big theme in this book.)

Ineeda is a necroboinker, someone who raises the dead... in more ways than one. She's often called out by the police for her opinions as well as for her expertise in vampire impaling. Ineeda is also one of the more "active" necroboinkers, with many a vamp running from her in fear of their lives & wellbeing. When she gets called in to investigate a series of crimes, Ineeda knows that something is up & it's not the type of "up" she normally prefers.

Now I know what you're wondering- is this any good? Yes, to a point it is. While Ineeda's attempts at gaining a neverending stream of conquests (most of which end with the other party turning tail & bolting in the opposite direction) can wear a little thin now & again, it's a short enough read to where this story can get away with it. I have to admit that I do wish that the author had taken advantage of some of the other trademarks of the Anita Blake series (overly dark themes, etc), though.

But for the price of the book, this is something well worth getting & reading for a chuckle or two. I can only hope that the author decides to further spoof the later books as well. There's a lot of material there to poke fun at.

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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Cheap price for cheap humor May 11, 2011
By J
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I bought this on a whim while searching for new Laurell K. Hamilton books on my Kindle. I'm in law school and her stuff is good brain candy, though drawn out and repetitive. So I was tickled when I saw that someone had attempted to do a parody. However, that's all it is: a very poorly executed attempt. Humor does vary, so I'll just say that this novel is definitely targeting the drunk frat boy demographic. Indeed, who else is likely to laugh every three lines when the author cracks yet another joke about the size and smell of the heroine's vajajay? It got old about two pages in, yet the author keeps going with it until the bitter end.

Verdict: this novel is a waste of $0.99, which I seriously hadn't thought possible before now.
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3 of 4 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Hilariously Funny January 19, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I felt like Faulty Gratification-An Ineeda Halfbaked Vampire Hunter Almost Story was written for me. It is a parody of Guilty Pleasures with some of the issues from the later books thrown in. We meet all the regular characters, Won'the Hatfield visits Ineeda the Necromangler at Necromantic LLC to hire her to investigate vampire murders. Ineeda, Cattrainer, and Morgasma go to Faulty Gratification for a bachelorette party. They watch the strippers and see Juan Clawed. Dolt Container head of TIP, Totally Inept Police, calls Ineeda for her "professional" opinion at the graveyard. Ineeda is taken to The Festival of the Unlucky where she meets Nontheless, head vamp who likes to play children's games. Rock, paper, scissors and time out in your coffin for punishment are just a few examples of what Ineeda must face. Fellow vamp impaler Tread is there to back Ineeda as is Ineeda's best friend Freddy, the private dick.

What makes this book so hilarious is that Ineeda, unlike Anita, doesn't need the Ardeur as an excuse to like or need sex. No, Ineeda just plain likes it with anything three legged and makes no apologies about it. This book is not full of sex. It follows what goes on in Ineeda's mind, her thoughts on the men she meets and what she wants from them. She is very outspoken about it, there is no moral dilemma for Ineeda. Without the Ardeur to hold men to her, they claim to be gay and run.

The author does a great job picking out all of the idiosyncrasies of the original Anita Blake in Laurell Hamilton's books and embellishes on those traits. Ineeda sees all the details of a man, his eyes, hair, clothes, and scars. She loves those scars. Ineeda is seriously threatened by other woman, looking at all of them as "Jealous Biatches".
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13 of 19 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Disaster Parody September 25, 2010
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I'm really sorry I spent 99 cents on this. I've always thought of parodies as delicious, maybe malicious, clever, witty, frothy, fun, and funny. There are occasional flashes of humor but they are too small and too few to carry this mess.

The author has managed to create a story (sort of) as bone-numbingly boring and uninteresting as the originals and the same can be said about the characters. As much as I would like to read a really good parody of this series this story doesn't come close. I lost interest about five pages in and forced myself to continue reading, just like with the originals. At 75% I stopped and admitted defeat and that has never happened with the originals. Bad as they were I was always driven to find out what idiocy the author would try to force-feed the reading public. With this story, and I use that term loosely, I could care less.

P. Arody's writing is flat and uninspired, with little humor and far, far too many typos and incoherencies. If you are going to mock the original author's grammar, spelling, and affection for rambling inconsistency then you need to be able to write well enough that readers understand that is what you are doing. I just felt that this author, and I use that term loosely, couldn't write a more polished product if their life depended on it.

P. Arody would have done better to have written this idea on a Post-It note-two if he/she used large print, double spacing between the lines and huge margins- and stuck it to their wall for a few years. Then it could have fallen off the wall and landed behind the bookcase, never to be seen again.
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Topic From this Discussion
Awesome! I'm going to buy this as soon as I get home!
It sounds absolutely hysterical. I may have to download the software for reading it on my computer. :D
Sep 17, 2010 by E. A Solinas |  See all 4 posts
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