Fear of Intimacy [Paperback]

Robert W. Firestone (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 1, 1999 | ISBN-10: 1557987203 | ISBN-13: 978-1557987204 | Edition: 1

In Fear of Intimacy, the authors bring almost 40 years of clinical experience to bear in challenging the usual ways of thinking about couples and families. They argue that relationships fail not for the commonly cited reasons, but because psychological defenses formed in childhood act as a barrier to closeness in adulthood. A wide range of cross-generational case studies and powerful personal accounts illustrate how the "fantasy bond," a once-useful but now destructive form of self-parenting, jeopardizes meaningful attachments. Written in clear, jargon-free language, Fear of Intimacy shows how therapists can help couples identify and overcome the messages of the internal "voice" that fosters distortions of the self and loved ones. Related issues such as interp ersonal ethics and the role of stereotyping are also discussed. The authors' innovative approach will be of interest to therapists and couples alike.

Editorial Reviews

Review

One thinker/practitioner who has gone deep enough to offer a comprehensive explanation for both the near-universality of our outward devotion to marriage and its inner dissolution is Dr. Robert Firestone…His latest book, The Fear of Intimacy, tackles the issues of divorce and marriage head-on. —Sacramento News and Review, August 26, 1999 --This text refers to the Kindle Edition edition.

Product Details

• Paperback: 358 pages
• Publisher: American Psychological Association (APA); 1 edition (January 1, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1557987203
• ISBN-13: 978-1557987204
• Product Dimensions: 6.7 x 1 x 9.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.6 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (18 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #143,566 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

182 of 183 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars IT WILL GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER December 14, 1999

By Zsuzsa Beres, email: [e-mail]

Format:Hardcover

I heartily recommend Fear of Intimacy to women, men, and couples, who are courageous enough to face the fact that their relationships suck, that their behaviour can hurt the ones they profess to love the most, and who want to experience the joy of healthy love so much that they are willing to sweat it out. No quick fixes here. It will get worse before it gets better. Fear of Intimacy is neither a conventional self-help book, nor an academic publication that might be too specialised for a general readership. It does, however, require the reader one very important thing - to let go of the victim mentality, the willingness to go deeply within and face squarely the most painful issues that prevent us from loving and being loved in a healthy and nurturing way. I read Fear of Intimacy with a 15-year track record of trying in earnest to "rewire" my emotional processes. A myriad self-help books, short-term therapy, meditation were the bill of fare. I learned incredibly useful social, communication, and life skills of the sort that ought ideally to come from school and family in growing up. Despite numerous formidable accomplishments, my relationships with men were still an unmitigated disaster. Dedicated as I was to do better, none of my previous tools seemed to work. More precisely, they worked up to a point - helping me cope with problems that, it later turned out, were but the tip of the iceberg of horrendous "relationship dynamic". Fear of Intimacy helped take my search for understanding and healing to depths of feeling - and pain - I had not previously experienced. It was gut-wrenching to feel, for the first time, the power of the unhealthy emotional attachment internalised in childhood and imprinted in my every cell - and subsequently on all my relationships with men. Through the book's narrative analysis and real life examples I was able to identify with the core problem, and then crashed. My first response was profound shame for all the ways I'd hurt my "loved ones". I felt I knew nothing, that all previous learning it is like this, and it's not OK, but let's try again to make it better! Fear of Intimacy gives some beginning tools for couples to help them build healthier relationships. My husband and I are working with these tools, and find the process very rewarding, as well as tough and painful at times. As a result, we're beginning, after 8 years (!) of acrimonious fighting, to get a more real picture of who the other one is - as a flesh and blood human being, rather than a fantasy of who we'd previously dreamed him to be. Not my mother, not my father, not my ultimate rescuer. WHO have I been "in love with" all these years? It's hard to to know each other for the first time! It is fun. It is deep. However annoying it gets at times - It is definitely better than ever!

75 of 75 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Fear of Intimacy January 16, 2000

By Steve

Format:Hardcover

Fear of Intimacy is the first book of which I am aware that gives clear insight into the cause and manifestation of negative thinking that is the backdrop for the destruction of close relationships. The verbatim recountings of real-life couples vividly illustrate how the inner voices, internalized from childhood experiences with emotionally immature parents, compel individuals to act out in a manner that is perversely targeted to the defeat of real intimacy. I have read most of Dr. Firestone's books and in my view there is nothing in the current market of psychological publications that comes close to matching Dr. Firestone's elucidation of the causes of emotional suffering, paramount among which is what he calls the "fantasy bond". This book is a must for anyone really committed to changing their relationships with friends, family and lovers.

59 of 61 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Life Altering Reading Experience June 16, 2001

By A Customer

Format:Paperback

This book has something for everyone that is experiencing some form of difficulty with cultivating healthy intimate relationships. By this I mean it will help those that have not acknowledged that they have difficulties and it is especially powerful for people like myself who have been searching for answers to their problems with intimate relationships. Firestone's clear and succinct writing style makes it possible to relate and identify with various issues that may apply to you. His approach is clinical at times but his formula is very simple: identification of issue, cause of issue and alternatives for dealing with the issue. Before reading this book make a promise that if you see yourself in any of the descriptions, don't run or turn to denial, be honest with yourself. Read the particular passage a couple of times. It helps with acceptance. I highly recommend this book.