Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving [Hardcover]

Harriet Lerner (Author, Reader)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 11, 2004

Unhappiness, says bestselling author Harriet Lerner, is fueled by three key emotions: anxiety, fear, and shame. They are the uninvited guests in our lives. When tragedy or hardship hits, they may become our constant companions.

Anxiety can wash over us like a tidal wave or operate as a silent thrum under the surface of our daily lives. With stories that are sometimes hilarious and sometimes heartbreaking, Lerner takes us from "fear lite" to the most difficult lessons the universe sends us. We learn:

• how a man was "cured in a day" of the fear of rejection -- and what we can learn from his story
  
  
• how the author overcame her dread of public speaking when her worst fears were realized
  
  
• how to deal with the fear of not being good enough, and with the shame of feeling essentially flawed and inadequate
  
  
• how to stay calm and clear in an anxious, crazy workplace
  
  
• how to manage fear and despair when life sends a crash course in illness, vulnerability, and loss
  
  
• how "positive thinking" helps -- and harms
  
  
• how to be our best and bravest selves, even when we are terrified and have internalized the shaming messages of others

No one signs up for anxiety, fear, and shame, but we can’t avoid them either. As we learn to respond to these three key emotions in new ways, we can live more fully in the present and move into the future with courage, clarity, humor, and hope. Fear and Other Uninvited Guests shows us how.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

"No one is immune to the grip of anxiety, fear and shame—the ‘big three’ that muck up our lives," observes Lerner (The Dance of Deception; The Dance of Anger). But such emotions shouldn’t be crippling, she says. Instead, the psychologist and relationship expert suggests studying the pros and cons of these inevitable feelings. For example, anxiety over hurting a friend’s feelings can keep us from bluntly offering unsolicited advice, or, at the other extreme, keep us from speaking up about something we feel passionate about. In conversational and often witty prose, amply dotted with personal anecdotes, Lerner advises readers how to achieve a balance between healthy and life-consuming fears over rejection, public speaking, body image and physical suffering, among others. In a chapter devoted entirely to "Your Anxious Workplace," the author shares her pain on discovering that her co-workers considered her a "problem"—her personnel file was fat with complaints about her attitude toward paperwork and tense relationship with other psychologists. Breaking down the office "system," she realized that she was an "underfunctioning" part, adding stress and creating opportunities for "overfunctioning" staff to both save and resent her. To confront fears, Lerner suggests stepping back and taking responsibility, thoughtfully considering the issue and engaging rather than disconnecting with the surrounding world. Readers looking for a "quick fix" will not find it here (Lerner purposely sidesteps any oversimplified solutions to conquering fear); rather, they will find a mindful and highly readable meditation.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

“Powerful mind-medicine.” (Martha Beck, O, The Oprah Magazine )

“This spirit-lifting book leaves the reader braver, wiser and laughing. Lerner’s advice is the best you will find.” (Edward Hallowell, M.D., author of Driven to Distraction )

“A flat-out life-changing book.” (Betty Carter, M.S.W. Director Emerita, Family Institute of Westchester, New York )

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 256 pages
• Publisher: Harper (May 11, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060081570
• ISBN-13: 978-0060081577
• Product Dimensions: 9.4 x 6.4 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (21 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #150,155 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is one of our nation's most loved and respected relationship experts. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for more than two decades. A distinguished lecturer, workshop leader, and psychotherapist, she is the author of The Dance of Anger and other bestselling books. She is also, with her sister, an award-winning children's book writer. She and her husband are therapists in Lawrence, Kansas, and have two sons.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

98 of 101 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Good, Practical Guidance, August 2, 2004

By 

Kat Bakhu (Albuquerque, NM United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving (Hardcover)

I purchased this book because I had the misguided hope that it contained some secret antidote to all the fear I had in my life. Something about the subtitle-- Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame that Keep Us from Optimal Living--led me to that conclusion. The author dissuaded me from this hope, however, in the introduction. She wrote that she had little respect for the plethora of self-improvement books that made great promises about transcending all fears. We were not going to accomplish anything as dramatic as that in this book, she informed me.

So, was I disappointed that I bought the book? No. I read it from cover to cover and thoroughly enjoyed it. Did I get any help from it? Yes, I did. Through the numerous, real-world, realistic examples of people dealing with a fear, anxiety or shame and making a step forward, I acquired an understanding that there are actions one can take that will help one to open up and move to a richer, better life. I was able to look at my own bogeymen more directly in the eye and see that there were some not too scary things I could do to get my fears and anxieties to ease their grip a little.

The thing that I liked most about this book is the author's conclusion that, no matter how far you go or advanced you get, there are still going to be moments in your life where you are just going to freak out. We all do. We always will. Somehow knowing that fear is just a part of the process of life, and always will be, makes it easier to deal with.

75 of 78 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Commonsense meets inspiration and wisdom, June 14, 2004

By 

Dr Cathy Goodwin (Seattle, WA USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (TOP 500 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling The Anxiety, Fear and Shame That Keep us From Optimal Living and Loving (Audio CD)

If I had to pick one word to describe this book, I'd say "wise." Lerner avoids two traps of therapist-authors: She doesn't rely on theory and jargon and she doesn't jettison her education to serve up easy-to-swallow formulas. She's not afraid to talk tough and to season her wisdom with humor.

I love her opening. Cats live in the moment, she says, and goes on to compare the relative advantages of being a cat versus being a human. But then, she concludes, it doesn't matter: if you're reading this book, it's safe to say you're not a cat.

And unlike many authors, Lerner offers a balance between relationship and work stresses. She describes a powerful but controversial intervention she designed for a young man who feared social rejection. While she reminds us she took into account the young man's non-threatening persona, I'm still amazed he didn't get arrested. The point, however, is well-taken. Action, not insight, creates change.

I especially appreciate Lerner's advice: "Be able to live without your job." She's right: being free to walk allows you to speak up for your values. And although she doesn't make this point, I've found that when we're free to leave, we usually end up neither having to leave nor wanting to go.

And, adds Lerner, remember that the workplace is not your family. Organizations exist to ensure their own economic vitality -- i.e, their own survival. "Your work family may treat you in such an insensitive and uncaring manner that it will take your breath away." SO true.

Dealing with emotion, Lerner is more realistic than most authors. Recognizing unhappiness requires courage, yet unhappiness itself can help us become brave enough to make changes. Anger and suffering can become part of who we are, so letting go leads to a feeling of homesickness.

All in all, a superb addition to the self-help shelf. Recommended to all.

15 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Welcome Relief for Our National Angst, May 20, 2004

By 

Mary Kay Blakely "author, journalist" (Columbia, MO, USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving (Hardcover)

For the last few years, I've been doing research for a book addressed to otherwise healthy people who feel traumatized by the news--that is, people suffering political depression. So I was elated to find not only confirmation of this phenomenon in Harriet Lerner's wonderful book, but also genuinely helpful advice on dealing with it. When a whole culture is distressed, she writes, "it will develop an anxiety disorder all its own." Certainly, newspapers today offer plentiful evidence of national angst. Every sentence in Fear and Other Uninvited Guests resonated...and relieved. Individually and collectively, life is a process, pain is a teacher. I guess it's not merely coincidence that Harriet's last name is Lerner. Reading her, I felt like one too.