Customer Reviews

The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?

5 star:		(54)
4 star:		(21)
3 star:		(11)
2 star:		(13)
1 star:		(28)

 

 

When I read through the reviews of this book before reading the actual book, it became clear to me that those women who worked or were inclined to work rated it highly while those who stayed at home or were inclined to stay at home rated it poorly. Why are we on two sides of the fence?

I speak from personal experiences when I say that it is of crucial importance for a woman to ensure her own economic independence. It's imperative to her own well-being and also that of her child. I would never suggest that money is more important than family because for me it isn't. I have no desire to hold a high-powered job making six or seven figures. I want only to make a decent living for myself and for my family.

Three years ago, I came to the harsh realization that for my own sake and that of my daughter, I had to leave my marriage. It was an agonizing decision made all the more so by the fact that I was a stay-at-home mom at the time. With no way of providing for myself or my child, I was terrified at the idea of leaving and yet I knew I had to for the good of everyone involved. The end result is that I have struggled for the past three years to provide for myself and my child. I could not possibly love my daughter more and had I been given the choice, I would have continued working so as not to have had to put her through this period of economic instability. Fortunately, she is very young and will likely not remember the vast majority of it but I will never forget the pain of knowing that I couldn't provide for my child the things I so desperately wanted to provide for her. I certainly gave her all the love and attention possible but neither of those things will put food in a child's belly or clothes on that child's back. There were days when I cried over being unable to spend a few dollars on an ice cream or a ride on the merry go round. I would never wish that experience on anyone, male or female.

Having been a stay-at-home mom, I know how difficult the job is and how little recognition women in that position often receive. In no way am I looking down on women who choose to stay home with their children. I'm simply cautioning them to think carefully about their choices as the unforeseen can strike any of us at any time and with no warning. I certainly never expected to get a divorce from a man to whom I'd been married for five years before getting pregnant and to whom I was utterly devoted, a man I had loved so passionately for the nearly seven years of our marriage. I certainly never imagined I'd feel the powerlessness that my economic dependency brought about, nor did I imagine I'd submit to the misery I did because of this dependency. Even at this considerably more stable point in my life, I shudder to think of those dark days and of the physical and psychological toll they took on me. This book is absolutely correct in stating that a man is not a financial plan and I am living proof of this.

I have never before written a review on Amazon, despite being a very avid reader. But, then, I have never before felt as strongly about a book as I do this one.

Why is "opting out" solely a woman's prerogative? Is this stay-at-home situation solely about personal choice? Are we giving up too much? Leslie Bennetts answers these questions and presents straighforward opinions on why so many women are reverting back to the days of Father Knows Best. I found this polemic to be engaging, enraging, and illuminating. While Bennetts forcefully defends her position (the title is The Feminine Mistake--guess which side of the Mommy Wars she is on), she does allow breathing room for those who do disagree with the notion that staying at home is not always the best option for women. Jam-packed with first-hand accounts of women's lives in various socio-economic conditions, Leslie Bennetts illustrates how women must take control of ther financial lives and not to simply rely on their man. I think this book is a must read for women AND men who are just starting out on the road of life. You can work AND rear strong, well-adjusted children; you just have to realize that every aspect of your life will not be perfect. Some of the comments from other readers (stay-at-home moms, mostly) who condemn this book are quite scary---they assume, quite smugly, that if only women choose DECENT men, then they do not have to worry about losing their husbands (to adultery, death, or illness). Sigh. It is this blase attitude that Bennetts addresses so well. I just hope the women who assume that their married life is peachy-keen are prepared--financially and emotionally--for life's realities.

I am a female attorney who has been practising family law for 26 years.
When I first started out, I represented many women who were married in the 1940's, 50's and 60's, when society felt that every woman's place was in the home. As a result, many "displaced homemakers" suddenly found themselves facing poverty in their old age. My own generation (the baby-boomers) all seemed to gravitate towards careers, so the displaced, poverty-stricken homemakers would be a thing of the past, right?
Wrong.
I am stunned to discover how many women in their 20's and 30's (the so-called post-feminist generation) are opting to become stay-at-home moms.
What is the problem, you ask?
In one word - DIVORCE.
And don't say it'll never happen to you. After all, I'm sure you buy smoke detectors, don't leave matches within your children's reach, don't leave candles or a stovetop unattended - but I'll also bet you also have homeowner's insurance, in case the unthinkable happened and your house caught on fire.
I've known so many women who tried so hard to be terrific wives, great mothers - and still found themselves divorced. Making sure you always have marketable skills so that you are able to support yourself and your children is like buying homeowner's insurance.
Of all the divorced SAHM's I've known, very very few are able to return to the workforce and earn enough money to support their families in the same lifestyle they enjoyed during the marriage. Sure, you can always get a minimum-wage job as a sales clerk or a waitress, but it will not buy you a middle-class lifestyle. Well-paying jobs will go to either a) recent college graduates, with newly-learned marketable skills or b) people who have spent the last 5, 10 or 15 years working their way up the ladder.
This book is a must-read, especially for young SAHM's who are confident that their marriage will last forever and that they will have no trouble re-entering the workforce any time they choose. I do have two criticisms, though: one, it is repetitive (one needn't repeat the same thing over and over to make a point) and it focuses almost exclusively on upper-middle class women, who are only a minority of the population.
Actually, upper-middle class SAHM's often suffer the worst, financially and emotionally, from a divorce, since they tend to have the most unrealistic expectations about the workplace (especially those who never worked outside the home at all) and they experience the biggest drop in lifestyle.
The men, on the other hand, tend to do very well after the divorce, simply because they have always had a well-paying career, without interruption, and after the initial financial hit (splitting the assets and paying child support) they keep on earning a high income, year after year.

Most of this book is made up of quotes from wealthy at-home mothers who seem eager to talk about how stupid, lazy, and dependent they are. We don't hear from mothers who are financially savvy, but who nevertheless have chosen (for all kinds of reasons, including financial) to spend some years out of their lives at home with their kids. There are also quotes from working moms about how exciting their careers are, what good examples they set for their children, how wonderful their kids are, and how fabulous they are. We learn that Bennetts herself is "an extremely committed and engaged parent," she "loves to cook," spends "inordinate amounts of time arranging flowers," and is "utterly absorbed by such tasks as the selection of sheets and towels." Her self-absorption really got tiresome.

The working moms interviewed employ full-time nannies at $30,000 a year, and have flexible schedules. One woman solved her child care issues by buying two additional homes (one for her aunt and one for her parents) near her own home. This made it possible, she says, for her to work and to have a family. Another working mom comments that she is in demand as a dinner-party companion, since she is not the "dreaded housewife." One claims her working status has given her the "power" to decide where the couple's pool will be installed at their country home. This is why they work? To be a desirable party guest and to dictate the location of a pool? Bennetts should spend some time in the real world and figure out why the rest of us work. She should also spend some time with some real at-home mothers and find out, shockingly, that most of them work hard and are interesting people. She should also examine the contradictions and double standards in the book. The book is, in part, dedicated to the family's full-time nanny. How strange that a book deriding women who take care of their own children full time should be dedicated to a woman who takes care of another family's children full time. Wasn't the nanny simply allowing herself to become financially dependent on Bennetts? And why didn't Bennetts set this woman straight?

Bennetts' point that women need to take care of themselves financially is valid, but this simple point is not well made. The droning on and on about how horrible at-home mothers are is senseless. The at-home mothers (usually given fake names, but she claims to have interviewed them) seemed only to voice Bennetts' own distain and lack of respect, and were indeed so stupid that I wondered where Bennetts managed to dig them up. In general, the book is a very negative, and unrealistic, portrayal of mothers, and it doesn't come close to addressing the real issues. It is also a very negative depiction of fathers, who are portrayed as unreliable cheaters who, common sense will tell you, cannot be counted on for anything. The book was disappointing, but Bennetts is a celebrity writer, not a scholar. For more serious books on this topic, check out Unbending Gender (by Joan Williams, a law professor) and The Price of Motherhood (by Ann Crittenden, a financial journalist and Pulitzer Prize nominee). Neither delivers a harangue against working or at-home mothers; they just deal with the issues.

I am surprised by the low ratings. Ms. Bennett's book is a well-researched and thoughtful account of the potential pitfalls opting-out of the career track can have. I believe part of her motivation for writing the book stems from the heightened press that highly educated young mothers choosing to stay home have received of late. I do not think she is "out to get them" - to the contrary, she is offering some food for thought from our elders. The aspect of Ms. Bennett's book that I really appreciated were the success stories from women that balanced a career while raising children and, looking back, were happy they did so. Too often we pity working women raising families when, really, many are happy, well-adjusted mothers. I do not believe the author is criticizing women for staying at home to raise children as much as cautioning them as to the risks. Some of her advice is sound advice for all us - which is, keep on top of your financial picture, and don't leave it up to someone else to determine your financial future. I think women should look at this book as an empowering tool and not take it as some sort of judgment upon their family's decisions. It has become taboo to even question a woman's decision to stay home these days - but how are we supposed to get advice from both sides of the debate? I, for one, would like to make an informed decision when that time comes. Well done Leslie!

I found Leslie Bennetts' book a bold wake-up call for women everywhere. No, it's not a message a lot of us want to hear. It's unsettling at best, terrifying at worst. But, here's what makes it such an important read: The crux of Bennetts' argument is that ideology is irrelevant when it comes to the Mommy Wars; the inescapable bottom line is, well, the bottom line. Money. Being able to put food in your kids' mouths and a roof over their heads tomorrow if the worst happens to Dad (divorce, disability, disease, death) today. And as she proves with statistics and tear-jerking real-life examples, "the worst" happens to ordinary families every day. Given the changes in divorce courts (goodbye, long-term alimony; hello, two-year get-back-on-your-feet "rehabilitative" alimony), the fact that 70% of men are behind on childcare payments at any given time, the widespread discrimination against moms in corporate America, the mommy tax that leaves working mothers earning less than their childless peers, and the monumental barriers against re-entering the workforce after taking time off, she makes a compelling argument for working--whether fulltime, part-time, or on your own (self-employment, if you can swing it)--and for keeping your skills sharp and your contacts up-to-date during any time you take off.

I read the book and thought the author did a good job of emphasizing the financial and personal liability of "opting out" and staying out home with your children.

It may seem elitist to some, but women, particularly well-educated, professional women are the focus of the book because those are the women who are perhaps making the worst choice possible when they stay home with their kids.

After all the years fighting to gain entry into the best colleges and board rooms, women appear to be giving it all up to have children. The author's argument is valid -- it's financially and personally risky, and at the end of the day, why should they? More specifically, why should women leave important, influential jobs in the prime of their career -- jobs that they've spent years to attain? Or why would women cut back, take part time jobs, work from home, etc. and risk losing ground to men in the workforce?

For me, it's not even about the money or the career track -- it's about the value of my labor. I went to school and spent years learning a trade and I want to continue to share that with the world. I want my daughter to know that she can do anything, and not have to stop her professional life because she has a child.

I think this book applies to women who have lower paying jobs as well. IMHO, though you may pay a babysitter a little more than you actually make, your labor, experience, training, and livelyhood is worth more than your paycheck.

Each family needs to reach their own decision, and I think women should respect each other, but we need to acknowledge that there is a price to every decision. At the end of the day, it's an unfair price that only women have to pay. We should work together to make every choice lest costly. The author could have done a better job at exploring that, but that wasn't the purpose of the book.

I'm familiar with Leslie Bennetts' excellent work in Vanity Fair magazine. So my initial impression when I read the book jacket was "Well, sure, Leslie Bennetts can make the argument for keeping a career--she's got a great, flexible writing job at a high-profile magazine!" But then I read the introduction, where she tells the tragic story of her grandmother, who was left by her husband fairly early in life and spent the next 40 years waiting for him to come back. In the meantime, she became an economic burden to everyone because of the antiquated notion that "ladies don't work."

As I read the book (which I suspect many of the reviewers here did not), Bennetts persuasively makes her case. She is not a money-hungry, power-crazy extreme feminist. She herself is a wife and mother who loves her family and all things domestic. But she makes some excellent points that I think most women don't want to consider, believe or admit.

Women must wake up and realize that even your children only need you just so long. There's no need to take a 20-year vacation to consider oneself a "good mother." As for husbands, many do leave, and even more die. No one wants to think about these things, but consider your own circle of friends. I know 14 friends who've lost their dads, only 2 who have lost their moms. I have several female relatives that are sharp, wonderful women, but who would be at an utter loss financially if anything ever happens to their husbands.

The larger question, to me, is this: Why do so many women consider growing up optional? Can you imagine encouraging your son to know nothing about finances, to make it a goal to "never have to go back to work"? If that sounds silly, then why do we feed our daughters this nonsense? Ms. Bennetts also makes a strong case for the sheer sense of accomplishment a career can bring. Do your daughters a favor and don't tell her that marriage is all she'll ever need. Let her be an adult, pay her own way and have a marriage based on love, not a paycheck. As one wise sage said: "When you see what some women marry, you realize how much they must hate to work." Leslie Bennetts' book is all about giving women options. Now THAT'S empowering.

Until I read this book, I was considering quitting my successful career to stay home with my kids. NONE of my friends work. They are all highly educated and I, too, have been alarmed as they have dropped out of the workforce one by one.

I have four high school friends who worked their way through college after their dads left their stay-at-home moms, who then struggled to find minimum wage jobs. My mother says quitting her full-time job is the biggest mistake she ever made. Yet there is such societal pressure right now to quit, even when it doesn't serve the best interests of the woman or, ultimately, her kids (especially her daughters). I feel this pressure every day.

This book that quantifies the results of making a long-term decision to stay home with the kids...something I desperately need as I weigh my own choices. This is a book all moms should read, even those who ultimately choose to stay home. We all deserve the opportunity to make an informed decision.

Ms. Bennetts' overall message is important, particularly to women in the midst of the heartache of balancing work and family. There is strong social pressure for women to put family needs ahead of their own, and it can be easy to perceive your job as an obstacle to the family's needs, particularly when you have small children. I was grateful to hear a voice reminding me of the value of my own career, both to myself, my children and my husband.



That said, I agree with the reviewers who were disappointed with the author's focus on a very limited spectrum of American society. Not many of us (including in L.A., for those non-Coast types who criticized Bennetts' supposed geographic bias) know a bunch of millionaires with disenchanted socialite wives. And unfortunately, not every woman can be a book editor/investment banker/law professor/television producer. But, there are a lot of us who can be perfectly happy realtors/office managers/executive assistants/nurses, earn livings, feel challenged by our jobs, and have great kids. I wish Bennetts had provided more focus on those types of women, because it could be easy to discount her conclusions given the narrow focus. Of course it's great to be working as a high-level TV producer when you're 55 - but what about the rest of us?



I also thought the author was rather flippant about the difficulties faced by women trying to cope with the outrageous demands placed by the contemporary workplace. I heartily agree that women should try to work out challenges in the workplace rather than turn tail and quit. However, even as more working mothers than ever participate in the workforce, hours of work are raising and many workplaces are totally unforgiving. That's great that Bennetts knows a woman who was able to work out a promotion while she studied for a PhD -- what about all the workplaces that write workers up for being even a few minutes late - try getting to work exactly on time every day when you're dealing with small children and childcare! Some women may be opting out, but far more are pushed out.



I was also disappointed by Bennetts' harsh view of men. All those marriages where the men dropped a bombshell and walked out? -- Marriage is a two-way street, and there is no question that in a very high percentage of those marriages, the wives shared the blame for the end result. I think one of Bennetts' more powerful points (and one that she failed to fully appreciate during the course of her endless male-bashing, in my opinion) is that traditional, non-egalitarian marriages can be hard on husbands and hurt marriages, where partners are not talking to each other about the pressures they both face. That doesn't mean men are bad - it means men also get trapped and tricked by societal values that don't encourage them to value their wives, and they lose out just as much as their wives, just in different ways. I know lots of men struggling with these issues on a daily basis, and I did not see their challenges reflected accurately in the book.



All that said, The Feminine Mistake is a welcome voice for a pragmatic and realistic approach to the high-stakes decision of leaving a career for children.