Customer Reviews

The Fifth Sorceress (The Chronicles of Blood and Stone, Book 1)

5 star:		(37)
4 star:		(19)
3 star:		(13)
2 star:		(19)
1 star:		(81)

 

 

As I was reading this book, a line from THE MUSIC MAN kept running through my mind: "But ya gotta know the territory!"

Let me explain: This is Robert Newcomb's debut novel. No marks against him there; everyone's got to start someplace. But not only has he not written fantasy before; apparently, he has only *read* one fantasy novel in his life. How someone can presume to participate in a genre in which he's not well-versed, I don't know, but Newcomb's lack of background shows in that he falls into the cliché-trap at nearly every turn.

You've got an ancient war with prophecies and repercussions into the present day. You've got a gruff, inscrutable wizard mentoring the young, reluctant prince -- who happens to have unimaginably vast magical potential. There is no all-powerful EEEVILLLLL Dark Lord, but what there is is worse: the enemies are Sorceresses, the female magic-wielding counterparts of Wizards. Unlike in Robert Jordan's books, in which case there is a plausible reason for the schism between male and female magic users, here for some reason the women are just kind of randomly, innately evil. The author pretty much comes out and says that women, granted power, will almost inevitably use it for evil, whereas men, granted the same power, manage to maintain self-control and use it only altruistically.

The writing is effective but pedestrian; in fact, it could use quite a bit of work. Newcomb has some pretty good visuals, but he often rambles on for pages of details when mere paragraphs would have been sufficient; he uses five words where one would work. The book is full of awkwardly phrased sentences, typos, and annoyingly frequent repetition of phrases such as "impossible angles," or the use of "the old one" to describe the wizard. Additionally, the violence is brutally and graphically depicted without being at all kinetic or engaging, making even the battles a chore to read.

In terms of the plot, the novel opens hundreds of years in the past, at the end of a war between the Sorceresses and the Wizards. The Wizards, having won, make an unbelievably, and unforgivably, stupid decision -- they free the evil and powerful leaders of the Sorceresses to live in exile, rather than executing them. Needless to say, this altruistic act comes back to haunt them, as the Sorceresses, like the Wizards, have employed their powers to make "time enchantments" that make them effectively immortal. The Sorceresses, presumed dead in their exile, create a big army and. . .you get the picture.

As for the magic itself, which is an important thing in a fantasy novel, it's pretty much a rehash of the old "Light Side of the Force/Dark Side of the Force" dichotomy with a few twists that pretty much make no sense. Further, there's very little sense of any kind of *rules* to the magic system; a Wizard seems able to do just about anything with magic without tiring or draining himself unduly.

To close, I'll say this: I've seen this book compared to George R. R. Martin's books several times. I'd just like to point out that Martin's novels are not popular because they're big, thick fantasy. They're popular because they're good. Despite their length, they don't waste words. Every scene is important. Every character is important. And the events are not standard, clichéd fantasy fare. Readers are smart. They are not fooled by the fact that a book is long, and they recognize quality when they see it. This book is not quality fantasy. It is overlong, overdetailed, boring, silly, and far too self-important. I, for one, will not be reading any further volumes of this series.

This book is an exciting account of a death-struggle between two mortal foes. Only one cam triumph. These deadly adversaries are the author and the English language.

English loses.

THE ADVERB PLAGUE! Good writers know that you don't tell your readers what you just said. Mr. Newcomb has yet to learn this. So we have gems like "Go around it,' Shannon said quickly."
"You'll soon find out,' he said sternly." "Gnomes,' he said simply." These examples are all from pp. 318 and 319, and there are two more in the same place. The first quote in the book is "Bring them up,' Wigg said simply."
Mr. Newcomb should find out what a "Tom Swifty" is.

HOWLERS? Oh, yes. "Swinging one leg over the pommel of his saddle, he slipped quickly to the ground." (still p. 318) I'm sure he did, if he tried to dismount by swinging his leg over his horse's head. Nice image, though.
"Don't get any ideas about stealing our horses.' He narrowed his eyes and smiled ruefully." (318 yet again!) I wonder what the author thinks 'ruefully' means?

REPETITION? Let's see...
(260) "reached out at the last possible instant"
(262) "help me wait until the last instant"
(262, 6 lines lower) "At the last possible second, Tristan..."
No editor could have been assigned to the book.

WONDERFUL NAMES! So ingenious, like Tristan (where's Isolde?), Natasha (where's Boris?), Wigg (Wigg??), Lillith (where's Eve?) Lillith's father is named Agamedes, and her brother is Chauncey. Obviously an Anglo-Greek lass. (Chauncey??)

I could go on, but it's hardly necessary. The amazing thing is that, not being a masochist, I didn't read the whole book. I did not need to scrutinize the work for occasional lapses. I found these almost at random. This is just plain bad writing. It is a weak first draft. How could such a thing be accepted by an agent and a publisher?

The biggest loser in all of this is the author, who, with this thing on the shelves, may never learn to write at all. Please, someone, send him a copy of Browne and King's "Self-Editing for Fiction Writers," quick. Or maybe his publisher will buy him a copy. It's the least Del Rey could do, seeing that they wouldn't give him an editor.

FINALLY: I pass over in silence, since others have covered them here, the unpleasing scenes of ghastly, gratuitous gore and silly, sadistic sex that the author inserts, perhaps in a desperate effort to keep his readers awake. But I can't resist mentioning that Mr. Newcomb manages to mess up even his dedication! It reads, "For Joyce, mon raison d'etre." But 'raison' is feminine, and the phrase should be 'ma raison.' Please, Monsieur Newcomb, stay away from foreign languages. You have enough trouble with English!

It's a mystery that this pompous, unoriginal, often offensive tome wasn't handed around the editorial department for the sake of comic relief, and then rejected with extreme prejudice. There are plenty of hack fantasies out there, but "Fifth Sorceress" may take the cake for the most putrid.

After a war between the sorceresses and the wizards, the wizard Directorate sends the four remaining sorceresses to sea on a perilous voyage to who-knows-where. Centuries later, young Prince Tristan is about to become king of Eutracia, where those of "endowed" blood get to rule. Except he doesn't want to. When he gets lost in the woods and ends up in a cave full of red water, his sister Princess Shailiha and the wizard Wigg search for him -- and encounter signs of the sorceresses' return.

Tristan's coronation is interrupted by horrible flying creatures that murder all the wizards but Wigg, his parents, and most of the people in the area. Then the sorceresses kidnap Shailiha -- and her unborn baby -- with the help of a mysterious fifth sorceress (the title character has virtually no impact on the story). Now Tristan and Wigg must rescue Shailiha before the sorceresses get their hands on unspeakable magical power.

Few books can truly be said to have no redeeming characteristics, but "Fifth Sorceress" is among those. It's a stinking, sloppy, poorly-written and poorly-characterized mess. There are only so many ways that things can be handled originally in fantasy. With wise and cryptic wizards, magic trinkets, winged warriors and a chiseled hero, how original can the book be? Even the concept of "pure blood" was painful.

The writing is poorly edited and inconsistent. At one point, Tristan is raped by one of the sorceresses. Weirdly enough, he doesn't seem traumatized at all by this. Killing his own dad has only slightly more effect. Newcomb's style is unsubtle and repetitive; the words "blood," "endowed," and "Chosen" show up constantly. His obsession with sex shows in his weird choice of words (how can a person have a "sexual longing" for WATER?), and his "shocking stuff" (heads being strung on rope like beads) either read like bad porn or an unnecessary effort to shock.

Perhaps the most offensive aspect of the book is the way women are portrayed. Either they're evil, perverted dominatrix fiends who wear sexy clothes (gotta have some gratuitous leg-flashing), or they are subserviant idiots who either get pregnant and cry, or serve as convenient sex toys for the protagonist. Apparently Tristan's endowed twin Shailiha (Princess Leia, anyone?) is supposed to be a spunky female character. The less said about Shailiha, the better.

Tristan is a whiny, spineless excuse for a hero. While reluctance can be a good trait in a hero, here it just makes him seem like a spoiled brat who doesn't want to deal with responsibility. Wigg is a cookie-cutter wizard. Shailiha is so much baggage; she's basically a walking womb for an "endowed" baby the sorceresses want. She goes insane fairly soon into the book (apparently a woman can't retain her sanity if her husband is killed), and is even more annoying when she's insane.

"Fifth Sorceress" comes across as "Star Wars" reimagined by an S&M enthusiast. A putrid, poorly-written, excruciating excuse for hack fantasy. It takes the worst of the genre and cobbles it together in one reeking bundle. Avoid at all costs.

Now let me get this straight. The high point of this book comes when a gnome named "Shannon the Small" bites the hero on the crotch, and yet Del Rey is calling this "The epic fantasy of the year"? Tolkien must be spinning in his grave. In all honesty, the awfulness of "The Fifth Sorceress" and the pathetic tactics that Del Rey used to market it have both become the subject of internet legend, so posting yet another scathing review here would almost be redundant. But my rage at having my time wasted by such lazy and lousy rubbish has yet to die down, so I'm going to do it anyway.

To say that "The Fifth Sorceress" is the most pathetic, incoherent, solipsistic, tedious, and idiotic fantasy novel ever written would be to give this turkey far more respect than it deserves. A fantasy novel by definition is supposed to have a storyline, characters, and some sort of plot progression. The Fifth sorceress, by contrast, is nothing more than a collection of disgusting NC-17 sex scenes pitched together in a heap of rubble, bearing no relationship to the book's alleged plot and no obvious justification for their existence other than that the author apparently feels that his horny teenage audience wishes to ogle at such material. I'd like to point out that when I say this, I'm not referring merely to the sorts of BDSM filth that's been proliferating among talentless hacks of the fantasy genre during recent years, though Newcomb does gratuitously douse his readers with several hundred pages of such material. This book also includes extremely lengthy and very graphic depictions of women being dunked in piles of feces and vomit, getting eaten alive by rats, and being raped by monsters, and it's all presented in such an exploitative manner that it's clear the author enjoys these scenes and expects his readers to as well. Needless to say, the publisher does not admit that this book is pornography, but instead dredges up the ludicrous claim that stuffing chapter after chapter with such filth makes "The Fifth Sorceress" adult fantasy. Exactly how dumb do they think we are? Adult fantasy is achieved through high quality writing and thorough character development; authors who devote half their book to juvenile masturbation fantasy do so with the sole intention of roping in a teenage audience that has not yet developed good taste. And the fact that Mr. Newcomb has yet to advance beyond the "girls are icky, they've got cooties" stage is really just adding insult to injury. I could delve into that topic further, but other reviewers seemed to have covered it adequately.

So if we look past the masochistic porn, what do we get? Not much. Some fantasy authors such as Robert Jordan have stumbled upon the problem that later volumes of their series' grow slow and repetitious. Newcomb neatly circumvents this obstacle by making his opus labored and tedious right from the start. As a matter of fact, there is only one real action scene in the entire work, and the plot is not even set into motion until two hundred pages have gone by. Most of that opening section is consumed by pointless descriptions of dresses and furniture and equally trivial interior monologues by which the main characters state their personalities or lack thereof. Newcomb also packs an fixation with annoying mannerisms (if you think that Jordan is obsessed with women's braids, you ain't seen nothing yet) and is so in love with the sound of his own writing that he makes his characters repeat oaths of loyalty and other patches of uninspired dialogue over and over again. His total inability to edit down his bulky blocks of text eventually leads him to stretch a trite and formulaic fantasy plot over seven hundred pages, not one of which contains the slightest hint of excitement.

Fantasy is not a genre known for great psychological depth or outstanding logic, but there are times where Newcomb's stupidity is so aggressive that he seems to be rubbing it in the reader's face. For instance, when main hero Tristan sees most of his family and friends get butchered off in a surprise attack, it seems intuitively obvious that this would be a rather traumatizing experience. Tristan, however, displays no emotional reaction to it at all, and instead just sits patiently while his wise old bearded wizard mentor regales him with a fifty-page lecture of how Newcomb's magic system works. (What's particularly embarrassing is that it's just a standard light magic vs. dark magic system.) For that matter, the wise mentor also says that he knew the attack was coming, but doesn't provide any explanation as to why he didn't move to prevent it. If Newcomb ever does bother to take up classes in psychology or logic, he might want to consider sitting in on an English class as well. He overuses cliches and his descriptions are so poorly written that they frequently become entirely meaningless.

It might appear to some that I've been overly nasty in my review. But the fact is that Del Rey is being nasty to us, the fans of the fantasy genre, by printing such filth and asking us to spend money on it. By publishing "The Fifth Sorceress", they're basically saying that they treat the whole genre as a joke and its fans as idiots. While I feel contempt for the editors and publishers who approved this rubbish heap, I can't summon up anything other than pity for Robert Newcomb, an author who has obvious been pampered and sheltered from reality for so long that he is not even capable of considering the possibility that anything he writes could be less than literary gold. This unfortunate miscalculation will only earn him notoriety in the minds of generations of fans as an author whose incompetence in storytelling was matched only by his hubristic opinions of his own work. It's sad, but nothing can be done about it now.

It almost scares me that a book like this one actually could be given 5 stars. What truly scares me is that the #1 reviewer on this website actually gave this book 5 stars. Who are we kidding here! A third thing that scares me is that the last book I bought with the adage "Epic Fantasy of the Year" was Martin's `A Game of Thrones'. It is painfully insulting that this book, `The Fifth Sorceress', actually holds the same royalty.

A good thing about this book, the only good thing, was the cover artwork. After opening the book, everything just goes down the drain. From the dumbfoundingly blatant gender bias, to the totally repetitive writing style, to the amateurish info-dumping, followed by some of the worst-drawn characters I've seen in some time, this novel joined the very small fraction of books that I actually didn't finish. What threw me was the fact that I bought this book hardcover and actually paid the amount of money I did for this trash.

What really hurts is when you have to read a book when the characters are constantly "amazed", "bewildered", "stunned", and "astonished", at every turn of the page. Not to mention the great amount of time these people spending crying and telling each other how much they love each other. It's like REALLY all they said during one chapter, "Do you love us, do you truly love us?" I was cringing. And if they spent so much time crying they should be crying out for an EDITOR! This story was like a mountain of repetitions that just got worse and worse. Not only was the writing extremely awkward and the pacing rampant, they whole story had absolutely now connection between its pages.

And if the atrocious writing didn't hurt enough, the evil female sorceresses and the noble male wizards just screamed gender bias. I just can't understand it. The female characters were either totally deviant, ultimately evil, and perverted, or so pathetically submissive and useless it was like watching a sock-puppet in action. And the male wizards were just so perfect that they could keep their magic under control and be all noble and gracious? Please! Perhaps if there was some back story to explain how ANY of this stuff can to be, but it just seem so obvious I don't understand how the author couldn't see it. Wigg's condescending attitude toward Tristan's sister was really irritating, and just furthered the bias towards women that ran wild through this novel. Also, I would agree with an earlier reviewer that the author's portrayal of the activities of the evil sorceresses as `deviant' just because they were homosexual in nature is not only totally tactless but is really offensive as well. I'm not a woman and I'm not gay but the anti-lesbian attitude is impolite to say the least.

Let not forget info-dumping. The first chapter is nothing more than a history lesson. You have one of the main characters in the woods and then all of a sudden your learning all about the layout of the land, the history of the war, and how powerful Tristan is. Could I care? Talk about leaving nothing to create any mystery, any slowly evolving background story, any suspense at all. The idea of knowing everything makes you feel like you don't really need to know anything else. It doesn't leaving you wondering what will happen, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING!!!!

And last and horribly least, comes our stereotypical characters. The amazingly talented, gorgeous hunk who doesn't want to be king. Can you say reluctant hero? Or the old and sort of mysterious guiding Gandalf who seems to have a condescending attitude towards everyone cause he has to explain everything to them. I am really getting tired of the `old male magical Gandalf-figures' people, thank god Jordan gave us Moiraine in the Wheel of Time series. And then we have the useless Shailia (spelling) who is the beautiful and smart princess who everyone loves because she's just so nice. Then, across the sea come the EVIL, EVIL, EVIL (cue cackling witch) sorceresses who are just so one-dimensionally evil that it just couldn't get any more boring. They're just into rape and killing and being mean and that's just all they're about. Now if Tristan wasn't as stupid, Wigg wasn't as preachy, and Shailiah wasn't as `just plain nice', I might be able to take the one-dimensional EVILs across the sea. But with a cast of nobodys running the show in this story, it just couldn't get any worse. Not really the cast worthy of "Epic Fantasy of the Year". I'm sure Martin, a fellow "Epic fantasy of the Year" author would laugh himself to pieces to see his cast compared to the trash in `The Fifth Sorceress'.

So, I would stay away from picking up this book because of its cover art or its totally undeserving royalties plastered upon the front cover. For buying it will be as useful as burning a $ bill. Don't make the same mistake we all of us already made.

Why isn't there an option for zero stars. My thoughts would echo a few of the articulate negative reviews below. I have only a couple additions. The constant shifting of point of view character - sometimes alternating line-by-line in the same paragraph is extremely annoying and makes it a difficult read. I would add that it hinders characterization, but the characters are all stock stereotypes, so no characterization is needed. Problem solved.

Then we have the death enchantments. Did anyone notice that early in the book Tristan proclaims that the women should be subjected to death enchantments several pages BEFORE he hears the term "death enchantments" for the first time??? Where in the name of all that is holy was the editor? This is the point where I really got angry. I can accept - grudgingly - paying good money for a book with weak writing, but I expect, nay - demand - a well edited book when it comes from a big-name publisher.

The "info-dumping" technique, as someone called it, is crafty when you're in sixth grade, but a novel simply MUST find a better way. Having one character sit down and ask another a string of questions - many about things he would already know - is not how it's done. You have hundreds of thousands of words to work with. Be creative. They call it "creative writing."

Sigh. I suppose if I actually finished the book I could come up with more complaints. I'm just fearful of going apoplectic if I run into another one of those editing SNAFUs.

If you insist on reading this book, wait for the paperback and only waste a third of the cash.

I've been an avid reader for 35 years -- ever since I deciphered "Run, Spot, Run!" for the first time. The number of books I have started and not finished in all that time can be counted on the fingers of one hand. _The Fifth Sorceress_ made that short list faster than any other book -- within the first 75 pages. The over-prolonged descriptions of this unoriginal fantasy land and its vapid characters paled before the end of the first chapter. There was nothing in it to catch my interest or my attention, nothing that made any of the characters special other than the extreme annoyance I felt towards all of them. The reluctant-yet-amazingly-magically-talented monarch was unbelievable as a man of thirty rather than a boy of 14; the beautiful blonde princess was insipid, and Wizard Wigg's patronising attitude towards the pregnant Shailiha revolted me. But perhaps the worst thing was the blatant "Man-wise-good, woman-ignorant-evil" attitude upon which the whole work seems to be based. I've read about a lot of Dark Lords and Necromancers in my time, and a lot of Wicked Witches and Evil Stepmothers, but I have never seen a book that so linked evil and depraved behavior to gender so blatantly without giving any good explanation for it. I tried really hard to keep reading in the hopes that some deeper meaning or layer of plot would be revealed, but I just couldn't do it.

_The Fifth Sorceress_ made me wonder how on earth it attracted the attention of any agent or editor long enough for it to get a hand up out of the slush pile. Trying to read it literally made me sick at my stomach. Watching T.V. is a better use of your time than trying to read this.

Like some writers, Robert Newcomb labors under the illusion that adding violence and sex to his novel will make it an "adult" fantasy. And he also believes that making his novel hundreds of pages long and promising a sequel makes it an "epic" fantasy.

Instead of creating an epic adult fantasy in the mould of Tolkien, Tad Williams, Carol Berg, or even ... Terry Goodkind, Robert Newcomb has merely created a long fantasy novel filled with violence and sex.

Before the violence and sex get added, the novel itself features characters straight from Central Casting. Archetypes, of course, are a staple of fantasy writing. However, Robert Newcomb has failed to make his archetypes compelling, instead turning them almost into parodies of themselves. Wigg is the Wise Old Wizard. (Gandalf refused to return Newcomb's phone calls). Tristan is the Reluctant Hero With A Destiny. (Aragorn would have loved to star, but was washing his hair.) Shailiha is the Innocent Sister. (Princess Leia took out a restraining order on Newcomb).

The villains include Vona, the lead sorceress, Succiu, the number-two nymphomaniac sorceress, and a pair of cardboard cutouts named Sorceress Three and Sorceress Four. Filling the position of Disgruntled Henchman is Krug, a winged warrior with a thing for wheels, unwinged women, and needlepoint.

The villains aren't evil. They're EEEEEEVIL. The beat their lovers! They unleash plagues! The kill people! They enslave people! They kick puppies, tear tags off mattresses, and like Kinky Lesbian Sex! They're EEEEEEVIL!

With the Middle Earth sets booked and the Sword of Truth setting preparing for war, Eutracia hosts these sorry characters. Picture Standard Fantasy Kingdom Number Six, and you pretty much have it. Eutracia's ruled by Tristan's father, who's going to step down, turn the throne over to Tristan, and become part of the Directorate, the wizards who run the show. (Directorate?? Directorate??? Did I suddenly pick up a corporate training manual???)

Rounding out the Standard Fantasy Plot Pieces is a 300-year-old war, where the wizards whooped sorceress..., but left the sorceresses to die at sea rather than kill them outright. They'll die at sea, right? Their lives will never be saved, right? Obviously, the wizards don't read very many fantasy novels.

....

The plot itself unfolds with planned mediocrity. There's the big attack. The epic quest. Turning Shailiha to the Dark Si ... I mean ... making her practice the Vagaries.

I sincerely hope the EEEEEEVIL lesbian sorceresses are his own invention. I'd hate to think that any other fantasy writer would be so blatantly misogynistic.

...

I usually try to avoid writing a negative review for anything, since I personally feel that if I have read something awful it is best to forget about it and move on. But I really must let this out and hopefully warn the still-doubtful. This book was bad-- at first laughably bad, in a so-bad-it's-funny sort of way, but by the end, it was just agonizingly, embarassingly bad. Please. I actually wept in frustration the 47th time I read about Wigg's left eyebrow raised "sardonically," and I can't even describe the torment of how often Mr. Newcomb insists on using the word "indeed." Indeed, indeed, indeed. I read the whole mess, hoping against hope that the book would become, at the very least, tolerable-- instead I found myself itching to scratch out my own eyes in disgust. Please, everyone, I am not kidding-- save yourself, and avoid this foulness.

"The Fifth Sorceress" is boring, cliched, sensationalist, and worst of all, horribly written.

Newcomb's narrative is a clinic of things writers should avoid: exposition dumps, overuse of adverbs, and repetitive use of identical descriptive phrases. The point-of-view awkwardly veers from character to character in the same scenes, and sometimes in the same paragraphs. Ponderous inner monologues blurt out each character's feelings like comic-book thought bubbles, achieving characterization only at a cartoonish level.

The lands and cultures of Eutracia and Parthalon show no trace of originality beyond the Klingon-esque "dreggar" sword. The harshly demarcated gender roles, with the graphic lust of the aggressive female antagonists, is a worn plot device. Frank Herbert handled it well in "Heretics of Dune," but Newcomb's weak writing leaves it feeling like Conan-esque softcore bondage porn.

Del Ray, the largest publisher in the fantasy genre, should be embarrassed for publishing this awful novel, let alone their shameless advertising campaign. However, given Del Ray's deliberate publishing of poorly written Tolkein clones like Terry Brooks in the 70s, the only surprise in them shilling a poorly written Terry Goodkind clone in 2002 is what took them so long.