Customer Reviews

Finding Ben : A Mother's Journey Through the Maze of Asperger's

5 star:		(22)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

I have recently become involved in the life of a child with Asperger's Syndrome through my relationship with his father. After raising a "normal" child myself, I found myself drifting through this maze of "AS" that Barbara LaSalle describes in the book FINDING BEN.

Her candid descriptions of her feelings and her realization of what she needed to do as a parent of her remarkable yet frustrating son helped me tremendous. I was on the brink of realizing that I needed to accept the "AS" child in my life as he was and not try to make him something he wasn't. This book helped me understand that I was on the right track, finally!

I'm sure I'll still have frustrating days with our "Ben" but I will never again feel as though I'm alone in my struggles.

The comments by Barbara's son, Ben, were wonderful and I can't thank him enough for being open about his feelings and his difficulties. He really is incredible.

I emailed the author with a question of my own and received a quick and ready response within hours. How refreshing for me to be able to ask a question that has troubled me for months.

You will find this book entertaining and informational even if Asperger's Syndrome is a brand new topic for you. And if you're a part of this world of "AS" people, it shouldn't disappoint you.

No one should think that they can return to a regular life after reading this book. Forget computers, TV'S, VCR's, DVD's. Skip nail filing, phones ringing, mail checking. Postone forever planning, talking, flossing. And don't bother cleaning your smeary eye glasses since you won't ever need to read anything else.

You can only hold on to your heart because it is so filled after reading "Finding Ben." It's the opposite of a heart attack when everything goes wrong. The rightnesss of it moves little by little then moves bigger and bigger and bigger until your heart is so full that you have to let go of something so at first you can only let go of the water part that has moved
into your eyes and the extra shiny part that has moved into your soul. And you don't know - you cannot know about letting go of other parts until more time has elapsed since the last page.

The power and the beauty of this extraordinary book reaches far, far beyond its Asperger's audience causing readers to understand what they've never understood before about what it means to be human.

I bought this book at the recommendation of a good friend and read it straight through as soon as it arrived. I highly recommend this book for all parents of children with Asperger Syndrome. Parents of adult children with AS will likely recognize the frustration of no diagnosis, but it has something to offer parents of any age child. It is a very personal story that will touch the heart of all readers. I cried several times while reading this book. I cried for Ben, I cried for his mother, I cried for my own child and I cried for myself. We love our AS children. We want the very best for them and always to see them in a positive light, but the truth is that sometimes it's very hard. It was refreshing to read a book that touched on some of pain and reality that few are comfortable discussing. I don't want anyone to think that this book is a complete downer or that it portrays AS in a negative light. It's about a journey--one that every parent of a child with AS must take. Some of those journeys will be easier and some will be harder but in the end we all share common experiences and will relate to this story. I truly believe that some of what I learned while reading Finding Ben will make me a better parent to my own child. Thanks to the author.

Finally, a resonant voice in the mire of books on special needs that isn't overloaded with technical detail. What distinguishes this book from others is that Barbara La Salle lets her anger, regret, and fury fly forth --an honest voice amid the cries by everyone else to "hush up, be strong, compassionate, and a veritable pillar of strength" even though deep inside you are cracking up.

Anyone with a special needs child faces frustration. Unfortunately, most of the books out there demand that you either take the countenance of Oprah Winfrey or Dr. Phil. Everything isn't okay, and Barbara LaSalle, who is both the mother of her son Ben and also a therapist, let's that old stereotype take a pounding. She talks about her regrets, her failures, and her slow acceptance that not everything about her son is her fault. Her son Ben also writes part of the book. His voice is important to show that people with Asperger's struggle, but have a conscience worth hearing and learning from.

Her story is moving, and it is also honest and shocking. I'd recommend this to all parents, spouses of Asperger's patients, as well as Asperger's patients because they have to understand that until you can identify your own anger, you can never move beyond it.

Nicely told, the only regret I have is that a bit more attention to editing and structure from a writing standpoint would have made it move a bit quicker and avoid some of the repetition that befalls it.

When Benjamin Daniel was born in January of 1969, there was a paucity of resources and information available to lay persons about Asperger's Syndrome, which is a neurological condition on the austim spectrum.

Ben was a highly verbal and gifted child. At 18 months, he taught himself to read from watching Sesame Street. At 19 months, Ben's family relocated from New Jersey to southern California. Ben remembers that trip and his first bedroom when he lived in the northeastern United States.

A distinctive personality, Ben showed a high level of comprehension for most abstract concepts. He could navigate just about any place he was and he had a fondness for maps. He was inordinately attached to his "Child's History of the World" and "Child's Geography" books and avidly read them each night. Nonathletic, Ben compensated by memorizing Dodger ball games he heard on the radio. A brilliant mimic with an extraordinary memory, Ben could repeat long passages from TV programs, conversations and written material. In childlike role play with peers, he always insisted on being a television or radio and he preferred reading to playing with other children. He also spoke in a formal style, not unlike an adult ("hello, my name is Benjamin and I am very pleased to meet you.") He had a high sensitivity to sound; when he was as young as one year old, he would implore his parents not to fight because "it's too loud and I don't like loud." I like the way Ben's father Steven was honest with him about the marital discord and told him that yes, they were indeed fighting. I also like the way he reassured Ben after the decision to get divorced was made.

Ben's problems were not confined to the obvious challenges of having Asperger's. Ben's mother Barbara LaSalle admitted being unable to accept Ben for years and lamented Ben's inability to make friends from the time he was a pre-schooler. When forced into enduring a playdate at his home, I thought the playdate was really for the parents and not the children. That's why I just loved it when Ben, seeing an out, left the other boy alone so he could race off to his room and read.

The other thing that puzzled me was when Ben's mother said that "baking cookies is something you do when your child has a playdate." That is not a social rule. Why not serve fruit to the kids instead? Making cookies was a voluntary decision, not a compulsory one. My feeling was why not just have store bought cookies ready to serve instead of leaving those two young children alone to bake? As I read that passage, I couldn't help wondering why the boys were left unsupervised. In retrospect, it seems like one approach would have been to be involved in what the boys were doing; to suggest alternate activies, e.g. "I'll set the timer and for 10 minutes will play outside doing something Greg wants. In 10 minutes Greg can pick a story and Ben can read to all of us," which encourages fairness, sharing and taking turns.

Ben would try to appease his mother by telling her what he thought would make her happy, e.g. a movie date with a peer or being a member of a football team when his school had no such team. Divorced from Ben's father when Ben was 5, the two coped as best they could until she married John, a gentle loving man in 1975. Ben's brother David was born that August.

One thing that really bothered me was the "motor therapy" his preschool teacher recommended. Since Ben's eyes worked independently and he disliked physical activity and contact sports, he was immediately stared on motor therapy at age 3 together with eye exercise therapy with another doctor. This method seemed rather questionable to me and I was extremely disgusted with "Ms. Reed," the motor therapist. I didn't like the way she forced her player piano on her young clients. Ben and Barbara had no sooner arrived for Ben's first session when Miss Reed eagerly ushered them into her living room to show it off to Ben. Ben made it plain from the first session that he destested it, found it terrifying and implored her not to make him sit in the living room with it. I didn't like the way Ms. Reed talked to Ben or Barbara; I also didn't like the way she kept insisting that counting backward (what was that supposed to accomplish), jumping on a trampoline or spinning in a revolving basket would be fun when Ben made it plain otherwise. He even said he found her house frightening. The topper for me was when she made Ben sit in her living room with that oversized music box. Ben screamed in abject fear and a neighbor wisely called 911. I cheered the neighbor! After Ms. Reed forced him to endure it, I wanted to dispose of it myself. I really thought that was sadistic and I thought it served her right that the neighbor called 911. She plainly couldn't wait to get Ben alone so she could force that noisemaker on him, ostensibly to help him overcome his fear of it. That oversized music box reflected HER needs and had nothing to do with Ben or any projected goals for his physical progress. I didn't like the way she downplayed Ben's fear when telling Barbara about it and the way she said, "either he gets it now or never...be afraid the rest of his life..." when she caused that problem in the first place. I also could not understand why Ben was forced to endure her for years after that disastrous experience. That bothered me.

Ben remained true to form. He had trouble organizing his work in school; he had trouble making friends and sports were just not his area of interest. John helped Ben over the worst of his distaste for physical activity by teaching him to climb the jungle gym and ride a bicycle. Although these were never favorite activities of Ben's, he at least had the satisfaction of mastery. John accomplished what the "experts" did not.

Ben suffered another set back during the 1980-81 school year. That year Ben was sent with his father who enrolled him in an Arizona boarding school. Ben, suffering from a then undiagnosed Crohn's disease suffered from fecal incontinence. He was abused by other boys and lost 40 pounds his first month. Husky from a young age with a rigid adherence to certain foods, Ben was literally shrinking away that year. Barbara reclaimed custody of Ben and withdrew him from the school at the close of the year.

Ben's high school years were a litany of challenges. He changed schools more than once and suffered severe social set backs. By 1987, Ben, then 18 expressed feelings of violent anger and was hospitalized. He became quite husky during this period and the asthma he had since age 3 had worsened. He served time in hospitals over the next few years.

In April of 1989 came the crowning blow. On April 29, 1989 Ben threatened another resident at the half way house he was living in because he was upset by the noise the latter was making. He dropped his weapon and allowed to be turned in. Over the course of that week, Ben was forced to endure degrading treatment in the local jail. Only one trusty, a man named Rocky stepped up to the plate for him. (note: April 29, 1989 was a Saturday. Each day in the first week of May, 1989 which was chronicled in the book was set one day ahead and this makes one wonder if this was a psychological device to speed up a horrendous week). It was Rocky's tough love that helped Ben survive the legal difficulty he was in.

Thanks to Rocky, the "bald angel with the tattooes" and Doris, a caring worker in a hospital who helped Ben learn to "play the game" so he could be released and the very astute Dr. Mark DeAntonio, Ben's story is now something everyone can take proud delight in. By the early 1990s, one of Dr. LaSalle's friends directed her to Dr. DeAntonio. A sensitive, direct and no-nonsense man from the telling, Dr. DeAntonio reviewed Ben's records and provided mother and son with the answer -- autism. I like the way Dr. LaSalle was finally able to accept Ben and realize that Dr. DeAntonio was not there to reassure her, but to provide some clear answers for Ben's social difficulties. Ben's undefined differences were on the autism spectrum and Dr. DeAntonio does a wonderful job of explaining what Asperger's really means and how it has a place on the autism spectrum.

Upon reading this sterling work, I think of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz saying in effect that everything you are seeking is really right at home. Finding Ben -- he was there all along.

This book will empower persons on the spectrum and others who work and/or live with people on the spectrum and will serve as a voice of hope. Ben and Dr. LaSalle are now advocates for people with Asperger's. I can't recommend this book highly enough.

The world is finally catching up to Ben, but I think he's ahead.

Barbara LaSalle's book, "Finding Ben," is one that should be read by anyone who is dealing with pain in their lives which involves another person. It is the most courageous and honest story I've ever read. The author reaches deep into her soul and exposes both her own secrets and those of her son. And then finds a way out of the pain into love. It's a story of how one person can create a bridge to change through changing themselves - and begin to truly see and understand another person. In this world of blame - both personally and nationally - Mrs. LaSalle brings hope for reconcialation - the power of self-knowledge and of personal change. She has given us a great gift - the truth of her own experience and her deep courage.

I have a high-functioning autistic son who is very like Ben in many ways, and I was horrified at this mother's attitude! While I applaud her for her honesty in admitting all her faults, I can't help but feel that Ben's life would have turned out very differently if she had accepted him as he was. This is the story of a great tragedy, the loss of 33 years of this young man's life.

I was a "goody-two-shoes" when I was a child, always trying to please the "grown-ups" and fit their expectations. But as I grew up, I realized that I would have to make my own decisions, ESPECIALLY when it came to my child! Obviously, this mother did not. No matter what my family said, no matter that the doctors accused me of being an "overly protective Mom", I knew my child was this way because of something internal to him, and that his behavior was not his fault!

When I finally found a doctor who recognized his autism (at age 4), I realized that the truism is correct; "a mother knows best." But even if I had not received the diagnosis, I would never have behaved the way this mother did. She betrayed her son because SHE wanted to fit in, to be a "good girl." This story broke my heart for the sake of Ben, and I am still depressed after reading it several days ago.

I believe that most mothers will love and accept their chid, no matter how strange he is. And I believe that is one of the most important things we can do for them! If you want to see what NOT to do, this is the book for you!

It was nearly impossible for me to put the book down. Reading Barbara LaSalle's story opened up a can of buried emotions. I related so much to Barbara and Ben's journey, all the pain, the tears and yes, the happiness too.

The courage they both had to be so candid and honest really reached me and has helped me to better understand myself and my 15 year-old son who also suffers from AS. I've read many "textbooks" about AS, but "Finding Ben" validated my feelings concerning it.

I would recommend this book to anyone who can handle the honest and sometimes cruel reality of living with someone who has a neurological disorder.

I find precious little reading time, yet I got this book Friday night and finished it Sunday morning. The brutal honesty sucks you in from the start. I don't know who I like more--Barbara or Ben. The writing is incredible, and the story is heart-breaking, but one that needs to be told. I've been planning to write a book about our own journey through autism, and after reading this one, I'm ready. I didn't realize the depth I needed to reach to tell our story, and now I do. Thanks to Barbara and Ben. I thought I'd sweep around all those dark little corners in our story, and everyone would be happy. Now I realize that exposing those dark little corners, no matter how painful, is what matters most.

Ben, I want to protect you from everything you've already gone through, and Barbara, I can SO relate to you, it's scary. Your book is simply amazing, and I'm struggling to put it into words. Anyone who even remotely knows someone on the autistic spectrum needs to hear this story. In the past few days, I've hugged my autistic son with an intensity that surpasses what I felt when he was a baby and I still thought he was "normal."

This book is simply life changing.

This book was very depressing to me. As the mother of a young son with Asperger's Syndrome, this book left me filled with sorrow and I almost stopped reading it because of the negativity it projects - I really don't need that in my life right now (or at anytime!). I kept reading it though, because the back cover promised a "happy ending." Okay, the ending was a relief, but it wasn't worth the emotional baggae you get from reading it. This author remarks repeatedly about hating her son and wallows in a sea of self pity. Her son grew up before we ever knew what AS was, and her son flounders throughout his life as a result. She rarely had anything good to say about her son and was openly embarrassed by him. I cannot recommend this book because it represents a worst case scenario from the viewpoint of a very bitter mother. People with AS in their lives don't need this extra dose of negativity.. this book did not help me in any way.