First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You [Hardcover]

Ann Demarais Ph.D. (Author), Valerie White Ph.D. (Author)

Book Description

Release date: March 2, 2004

What kind of first impression do you make? A first impression is the most important impression you’ll ever make—and you get only one chance to make it. Business deals can be made or broken, first dates become second dates or not, friendships are created or fail to form; everything hinges on that all-important initial encounter. And yet most of us don’t know how we’re really seen by others. Many of us don’t know how to make a good impression.

Wouldn’t you like others to see you as confident, interesting, attractive, and sincere? Ann Demarais, Ph.D., and Valerie White, Ph.D., consultants to many Fortune 100 companies as well as creators of First Impressions, Inc., a New York–based dating and consulting firm, offer you the keys to putting your best self forward in any new situation, whether you want to strike up a conversation at a party or are meeting a blind date or a new business client.

You’ll learn to see yourself as others see you, and how to tweak your style to create the impression that reflects the real you. Breaking down a successful first impression into its seven fundamentals, the authors show you how to master these principles so that you can make the best first impression. They also show how to avoid common misunderstandings that leave others with a bad impression, how to reveal the four universal social gifts, and they outline practical steps you can take to enhance your personal charm.

Informative and filled with enlightening research studies, do-it-yourself checklist reviews, and dozens of helpful case histories, First Impressions is a fun, groundbreaking, and long-overdue guide to the most important moment of virtually any relationship: the first.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

The authors, both psychologists, run a New York–based business that coaches professionals on how they present themselves in business contexts and singles on how they appear during staged dates. In breezy helpful style, this book helps readers identify gaps between self-perception and actual effect. The secret to a good first impression, the authors argue, is "social generosity," carefully helping others feel good about themselves, whether through "appreciation," "connection," "elevation" (good spirits) or "enlightenment" (new information). Each chapter covers one of "Seven Fundamentals of a First Impression" (including the need for self-disclosure and for fluency in conversational dynamics); each ends with a checklist of "positive topic behaviors" and "common miscommunications" (e.g., if you focus on one topic, you may think you're passionate but you come off as self-absorbed). While some insights are basic (eye contact as an indication of interest), the authors thoroughly dissect interactions that are eminently flubbable. For example, the most common violation of "talking with" is "talking at," which can include lecturing, storytelling, sermonizing and telling jokes. The insights presented here are based not just on the authors' experience as consultants but also on the psychological literature: getting in sync with a partner, the research shows, requires coordinated smiling, gesturing and a mutual attentive gaze. The secret to sex appeal? Androgynous characteristics matched with confidence and warmth. This highly practical book ends with suggestions on how to tweak your style, including asking friends for feedback and consciously charting behaviors. To their credit, the authors remind newly enlightened readers of the importance of cutting others slack: somewhat annoying behavior may stem from good intentions.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From School Library Journal

Adult/High School–From friendships to business relationships, first impressions can have a huge personal, emotional, and financial impact on one's life. This book is a review of the scientific literature on how one is perceived by others during the first few minutes of social interaction. The authors summarize the current literature and place it into charts, allowing readers to easily determine the most appropriate strategy for making a good first impression. The material is interesting and flows well. The book is content rich with information that could be used daily by teens as they begin to establish mature personal and professional relationships.–John Kiefman, Fairfax County Public Library, VA
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 256 pages
• Publisher: Bantam; 1 edition (March 2, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0553803204
• ISBN-13: 978-0553803204
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6.1 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (49 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #426,778 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

109 of 113 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars The science of first dates June 4, 2004

By Dr Cathy Goodwin TOP 500 REVIEWERVINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover

DeMarais and White have managed to find an untouched corner of the self-help world -- and a valuable one at that. As they point out, research shows that first impressions last a long time. And as we meet people, we create first impressions on dates, business meetings and job interviews.

Writing in accessible self-help style, the authors identify the "seven fundamentals of first impressions." These seven chapters make up the meat of the book. The authors discuss specific ways to show interest: body language, eye contact, name usage.

For instance, the chapter "Enough about me" encourages readers to show interest in their conversational partners.
The authors hold our interest -- and communicate effectively -- with examples and dialogues. Some of the advice seems fairly obvious (maintain eye contact, avoid closed-end questions) but much is new and useful (live vs. faux listening).

At the end of each chapter, the author not only list positive behaviors (e.g., make eye contact) but also show what each behavior communicates (e.g., "interested, socially aware"). They then list miscommunication behaviors in a clever chart form: "If you do this ("listen inactively") you may think you seem ... (neutral) but you may seem ... (uninterested).

I found the "you may think you seem" a little off-putting. Maybe we engage in these behaviors automatically without realizing how we seem! Or maybe these behaviors demonstrate an aspect of our personality.

However, that's a small quibble, easy to ignore.

The section on topics was one of the fun ones, although perhaps useful only in a social, i.e., dating, context. Don't go too deep into your own favorite topic, they say. Put some topics on the table and keep going.

I must say I love talking to people about their specialties. That's the writer/journalist in me! The authors describe "Ray," who delivered a monologue on washing machines, to his bored seatmate on an airplane flight. They suggest saying, "That's interesting. I don't know much about washing machines, but I do know about film..."

I must admit I'd have interrogated the poor man about his field, hoping to learn something to help with my own laundry day. I once sat next to a veterinarian on a long, dreary plane ride, and learned a lot of useful information about cats. Now that I have a dog...

I resonated to the 4 "wrong" styles of conversation: story telling, lecturing, sermonizing and telling jokes. I do all of those, though hopefully not on a first meeting!

The authors offer some tips for corrective action, which can be summed up as enhanced self-awareness. However, their strengths lie not in making change, but in identifying varieties of violations.

Although the authors briefly discuss "heavy" topics, they might have gone more deeply into reasons for varying degrees of disclosure. For instance, most people ask casually, "Do you have children? Brothers and sisters?" All seemingly innocent questions -- but I know someone whose only daughter died, someone whose father disappeared and others who have legitimate reasons for avoiding those topics. We could use some tips for maintaining a relationship along with our privacy.

Additionally, as a career coach, I wish the authors had discussed culture and gender differences that can create misunderstanding -- the material Deborah Tannen handles so well. They do include informative research highlights but I'd have liked to see more detailed suggestions in the main text. For instance, in many subcultures, men are given more leeway to talk about themselves and to use a lecturing style.

And, as Tannen says, a New Yorker interrupts while a southerner (especially a southern woman) will be trained to be more polite and reticent. When you're meeting a new person in a new field, company, or region, you need to pick up cues to clarify what's considered appropriate behavior.

Finally, the authors could have used their corporate business experience to identify unique elements of business and career first impressions. Certain behaviors create good first impressions during job interviews, sales meetings and first days on the job.

The last two chapters were extremely valuable and could have been expanded: How to overcome a bad first impression and How to cut others some slack, so you won't let a bad first impression deny you a relationship. I'd have liked to see an additional chapter on the second, third and fourth meetings, which often can be trickier than the first. By setting up a second meeting (especially in a dating context) you've indicated a willingness to proceed. Now what?

47 of 47 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Useful observations about a topic I had not thought about September 9, 2004

By Paul Tognetti TOP 500 REVIEWERVINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover

You may be looking for a new job and are facing the unnerving prospect of numerous interviews. Perhaps you are looking for a soul mate. Or maybe you have a meeting with an important new client. Like it or not, in each of these cases the first impression you give to others will go a long way towards determining whether you will succeed or fail in what it is you are trying to accomplish.

"First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You" is not the sort of book I would generally read. But given the fact that I find myself in one of the above situations I thought it might be a useful read. Indeed it was! Ann Desmarais and Valerie White give the reader plenty of food for thought in this thought provoking and entertaining book. The heart and soul of this book are what the authors describe as "The Seven Fundamentals of a First Impression." How accessable am I? Am I willing to open myself up to the other person? Do I show genuine interest in what the other person has to say or is the conversation all about me? Can I add interesting topics to the conversation? Do others percieve me as distant and withdrawn or do they find interaction with me interesting and engaging? These are just a few of the fascinating questions discussed here. In addition, there are a series of extremely useful exercises designed to help the reader see where they stack up on these issues.

At the end of the day, just about everyone regardless of their station in life could glean some useful information from "First Impressions". Whether the lessons learned here assists you in making that better first impression yourself, or perhaps makes you a bit more forgiving when someone else stumbles and leaves a bad taste in your mouth, it should prove to be most helpful. A surprisingly good book. Highly recommended.

41 of 45 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars First Impressions Demystified October 16, 2006

By ARP

Format:Paperback

Go ahead and buy this book, and act on the authors advice, and watch how subtle changes in first impressions can make a big difference. Probably the best among us will find something to learn to make it worthwhile reading.

That said, the authors do overstate their advice. First impressions have an important part in social encounters, but they don't determine indefinitly how others perceive you. For example, in one story the authors describe one of their clients who took some time to warm up during a simulated date, but was otherwise socially adept. But they explain, by then it was "too late" to make a positive impression. In reality, the chances are that intelligent people from all walks of life can understand that it is natural for someone to take some time to open up to someone they meet for the first time, and won't hold you to it. Just think about the people in your life; probably quite a few of them didn't make a great impression on you the first time you met them, and you probably didn't either.

But of course, the authors have built a large consulting business purely focused on training their clients to make good first impressions. You wouldn't expect them to downplay its importance.

Overall, its a recommended read, as long as you keep in mind that first impressions are not a substitute for a lack of other much more important social skills you will need for building meaningful relationships.