12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Great Stories & Great Advice, October 20, 2008
This review is from: Fitting In Is Overrated: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider (Hardcover)
Filled with poignant stories and very practical tips for those of us who live, work and dream on the periphery. The chapter on looking for the woundedness in the soul of another was beautiful and powerful. Felder is clearly a gifted and insightful author.
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11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Book is definitely not over-rated, January 24, 2009
This review is from: Fitting In Is Overrated: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider (Hardcover)
Author Felder is a psychotherapist who revels in his professional identity, but he writes more like a life coach. And that's a good thing.
I rated the book 5 stars because Felder offers realistic, action-oriented strategies to take in a number of difficult situations. The book's title doesn't encompass the variety of challenges Felder addresses. For instance, he offers techniques to deal with everyday stress, difficult bosses and intimidating experts.
However, I admit my first response was somewhat negative. I was reminded of all those ugly duckling stories: "Yes, you're different, but underneath you're going to outshine all your critics." But he's got good (though fairly conventional) advice.
Felder acknowledges that sometimes you can't invest energy in fitting in; you have to leave. I would have liked to see him go even further. In my experience, people who are most successful have a strong sense of self-awareness. They identify environments where they'll fit and where they won't. For example, on the PBS show Carrier, a female fighter pilot chose a situation where she would not be the first or only female in her group.
In contrast, Felder writes about a woman who felt alienated from her own apartment building. A single parent, she bought a condo in a complex with no other children. Felder suggests she seek out more child-friendly people. I would disagree. Some people simply don't want to be around children. This mother should choose a living environment where children were welcome.
I'm puzzled by Felder's suggestion for creatives to get day jobs. Sure, creative people often need day jobs -- sometimes all their lives. But they're often challenged to find day jobs where they (a) don't feel alienated and (b) they're not so worn down by their day jobs that they have no energy left for what they really want to do. Jobs tend to grow insidiously, making more and more demands on employees, especially good people.
The best part of the book comes when Felder suggests ways of creating connections where you're now the center of the group, not an outsider trying to break past a clique. I especially like his suggestions for creative holidays. Many single people feel alienated at gatherings of families - their own and other people's. I wish he had taken one more step to say, "It's okay to enjoy your own company. Being alone on holidays can be fulfilling and rewarding to some people."
Finally, Felder's definition of "outsider" seems broad enough to include just about anyone. I've attended high school and college reunions where people felt they had been outsiders - yet they had photos of parties attended, elections won and memberships achieved. I've experienced groups where I felt like an outsider but later realized the members really liked and accepted me.
Sometimes people feel alienated because they have unrealistic definitions of fitting in. And sometimes I suspect that many of us have fit in more than we realize.
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7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Good Insight, but Left Me Wanting More, April 21, 2009
This review is from: Fitting In Is Overrated: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider (Hardcover)
Dr. Feldner deserves props for recognizing the problem and giving a thorough account of its dynamics, what it is like to live on the periphery of society, and the various shapes and forms in which it affects outsiders, of which I consider myself one. I felt as though the author was speaking directly to me as he was laying out the nature of the problem.
However, as is the case with most self-help books and with psychology/psychiatry in general, the author comes up short when suggesting solutions. The recommendations, at least to my mind, were vague and difficult to implement. I did not read anything specific as to how one implements the various strategies he seemed to be hinting at; in order for advice to be worth anything, it must be specific, unambiguous, and doable. This is where I would have liked to see more depth, perhaps in the form of examples/success stories of clients he has counseled, s opposed to outlining the problem. We outsiders understand the problem, it is the solution we are seeking.
Maybe Dr. Feldner can address this in a sequel?
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