Customer Reviews

The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-dependence - The Other Side of Co-dependency

5 star:		(2)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

If a person has trouble being close to others, is a perfectionist, acts self-centered and never asks for help, these are signs they may suffer from 'counter-dependency', the opposite of co-dependency. Two psychologists team up to reveal counter-dependency as the barrier to creating strong relationships, examining the foundations of counter-dependency, showing how to spot and cope with such people, and teaching how to gain and heal within committed relationships. The result is an outstanding guide which reveals some little-covered roots of relationship issues, making for a recommended pick for any library strong in self-help psychology.

Diane C. Donovan
California Bookwatch

Never even heard of "counter-dependency" until someone recommended this book. It describes me, and my childhood, perfectly. Felt as if they were writing about me! If you've ever wondered where your ideas and beliefs come from and how they've influenced your life, read it!

Well-written book, even though some of the treatments methods the therapists use with the clients are strange to me. However, lots of good suggestions on how to help yourself.

This wasn't a very helpful book. The only reason I gave it two stars instead of one is because of the bullet lists on pages 5 and 82. On page 5 is a list of counter-dependent behaviors. These include, among others:
- pushes others away
- is cut off from her/her feelings
- is self-centered
- is "armored" against others' attempts to get close
- avoids intimacy and closeness

To one degree or another I recognize these behaviors in myself, but then there are even more counter-dependent behaviors listed that I don't exhibit. It's almost like reading a horoscope -- you agree with what fits and dismiss what doesn't.

The second bullet list, on page 82, tells what those with counter-dependent issues must learn to do. Again, this isn't a complete list, but some items include:
- become more dependent
- focus on others
- remove walls
- identify and express feelings
- develop compassion for others

These seem like good things to do, but how to do it is the great unknown. The authors recommend some rather far-out exercises that I couldn't imagine myself doing no matter how counter-dependent I was.

My biggest objection to the book is that the authors base their findings on the presumption that counter-dependent people are those that suffered some sort of abuse trauma between 6 months and 3 years of age. For one thing, I don't remember anything from that age; for another, the rest of my upbringing is not consistent with having been traumatized early in life; and finally, if I can't remember what happened to me way back then, how can the authors claim to know?

And the first step in how to develop beyond counter dependency is to "remember what happened to you as a child." How is that supposed to happen, and what if nothing did happen to you?

I rank this book alongside so many other self-help books filled with psychological mumbo-jumbo, and I'll just take away the bullet lists that are presented.

Their description of what they call "counter-dependence", a heavy overlap of what Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Illness calls "social avoidance" is pretty nail on head. Beyond that, much of the book is crap. They cite virtually no research or evidence on which to base the chapters of the book, which essentially reduces the chapters to opinions. [Watch out for chapter 5 which says you can be a better person if you are eco-friendly. Huh? How are they drawing this link? It's a bit derivative. But again, they provide no research to back up what they're writing.] Opinions, just like a*holes- we all got one. The book is based on just about no cited evidence/ research at all. They say plenty of things in each chapter without cited any sources to back up what they say (reader beware).

Their central thesis: that counter-dependency is formed in the first 0-3 years of development, ignores the affects of later experiences. There are many reasons why persons, as adults, are- to use their term- "counter dependant". The first three years is only a part of it and probably not the greatest impact. But, hey, they dont offer ANY research to back up their claims so we really can't know.

The book is useful in parts but their book is built on sand.
I can't believe a publisher would publish this.