More About the Author
Similar in speed and appearance to a manatee, I have proven to be harmless to women and children. Well, children anyway. Actually I'm happily married with two great kids, a fact that will undoubtedly wreck Jennifer Lawrence's passionate fantasies about me (then again, you really can't blame her).
A military brat upbringing at US Air Force bases in Japan, Germany, Alabama, Texas and Florida, I'm presently domiciled in Clearwater, Florida, although I never drink the water directly from the tap. My background involves security, including serving as Director of Investigations for Marriott Corp., owning a three-office security agency in Miami, contract work for the government involving Eavesdropping Detection, and Mystery Shopping for hotel chains, restaurants and cruise lines.
I'm still a licensed P.I., but most of my attention these days involves journalism and the media. That career includes stints as Managing Editor of Florida Sportsman magazine, Editor of Sport Fishing magazine, Editor In Chief of Traveling Sportsman magazine, a columnist for newspapers, host of a syndicated radio talk show, host and producer of two cable TV series, blogger for Visit Florida, a video producer and more recently a travel writer for the Tampa Tribune, Miami Herald and other publications.
I wrote "Florida's Fishing Legends and Pioneers" (published by the University Press of Florida) with the hope of making lots of royalty money and winning a Pulitzer Prize, both of which will undoubtedly occur posthumously. I have another book coming out in early spring of 2016 titled "Legends of Alaska's Great Outdoors" (published by the University of Alaska Press). I also have a third title in mind: "I'd Have To Be An Idiot To Write Another Book -- I Hope You Enjoy It."
Ignore false rumors that I couldn't get a nibble out of a school of starving fish and that deer laugh when I stalk thru the woods. Buy a copy of "Florida's Fishing Legends and Pioneers" as a gift or for yourself with the full confidence of being informed, entertained and proud that all royalties will go toward paying off my Lamborghini.
Here are links to several recent newspaper and web articles:
I just won an award in the Humor category for the Eastern Chapter of the Society of American Travel Writers for the following article:
Porcupine Palace Debuts
Despite torrid opposition from People for the Ethical Treatment of Attractions (P.E.T.A.), a ribbon-cutting ceremony last week unveiled the new Porcupine Palace.
Housed in a former fertilizer factory in Clearwater, Porcupine Palace offers displays of fish and animals captured strictly for medical-rescue purposes. The main star is Porter, a male porcupine expelled by his wildlife association for non-payment of monthly maintenance dues.
In order to get fed at the Porcupine Palace, Porter and other sick or injured animals are taught tricks to entertain ticket buyers. Porter now gives performances such as break dancing, back flips and the moonwalk. Porter's partner, Petunia, who received quill augmentation, has been taught to jump through a hoop.
I asked Charlotte Ann Chuckster, Chief Propaganda Officer, about these allegations. Said Chuckster: "The fact that we depend upon acrobatic porcupines to pay our executives six-figure salaries is unrelated to our important rescue work. We plan on releasing six porcupines in the next six years that have indicated a preference for being kept captive in small enclosures and made to perform tricks rather than being set free in their natural habitat."
Hortense Foragrant, a P.E.T.A. spokesperson, rejected Chuckster's assertions. "Places like the Porcupine Palace are a thinly disguised money machine for those operating these so-called non-profit organizations. There's only one way to stop them - send a donation today to our non-profit organization."
Perhaps more revealing is a secret email exchange between Foragrant and Chuckster provided by an anonymous source that will be identified only as "Deep Quill:"
HF: "Please tell me how porcupines jumping through hoops and doing backflips prepare them for survival in the wild?"
CAC: "You obviously know nothing about how the system works. Our main concern is not - I repeat, is NOT - going after movies, a TV series, books, stuffed toys, key chains, board games, cups, pens, pencils, magnets, shot glasses, ashtrays and toilet plungers picturing Porter. Selling more tickets and getting grants is entirely for the purpose of helping the community and getting more porcupines released back into the wild."
HF: "Then why has Porter been given the 'too valuable to ever release' designation by the Porcupine Palace?"
CAC: "That has nothing to do with our being stuck forever in this stinking former fertilizer factory or ensuring that our executives continue drawing six-figure salaries."
On a sad note, it's been reported by the Society for Care of Animals and Mankind (S.C.A.M.) in Yeehaw Junction that a trainer was hospitalized after sharp spines perforated a lower extremity. In a statement to the press, the attraction's publicist said: "The porcupine in question has been isolated in a glass-encased enclosure for breeding purposes only and is not - we repeat, is NOT - so the public has another reason to come to S.C.A.M. and see this scary-looking porcupine with foot-long quills that viciously attacked a trainer."
For tickets to the Porcupine Palace in Clearwater, call 1-800-AIRHEAD or visit www.ticketsellinggrantseekingnonprofitthatonlywantstohelpthecommunityandsavethelivesofporcupines.org.
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