145 of 154 people found the following review helpful
"It's a huge shocker to talk to hundreds of women and find that while financial security is nice, it isn't nearly as important to them as feeling emotionally secure - feeling close and confident that you will be there for her no matter what." ~ pg. 17
If you are reading this book and your wife is reading "for women only," you may be in for a lovely time if you talk about the issues. By reading the "for women" and "for men" books, my husband and I finally sorted out the basis of our differences.
These books can at first cause more problems than they solve because as problems surface and you put names to the issues, things can get worse. A few days later, you may find your relationship on a better path and renewal setting in. The ideas almost require you to put pride aside and set to work on the real issues facing every relationship.
The chapters include:
Rethinking Random - Great information on how women want to feel emotionally secure. I could not agree more. If you don't feel loved, it is difficult to be motivated to respond. Respond and Respect seems to go hand in hand when loved.
The Deal is Never Closed - "Buried inside most women- even those in great relationships-is a latent insecurity about whether their man really loves them."
Windows...Open! - How women multitask and why they may not be able to let go of a grudge. Shows how to work through problems.
Your Real Job Is Closer to Home - Why women said they wouldn't mind their husband making less money if he could spend more time at home.
Listening Is the Solution - Why women sometimes just need to talk it out...excellent
advice. Some of the best I've read yet.
With Sex, Her "No" Doesn't mean You - Romance and what you say might be the key here.
The Girl in the Mirror - Are you really the mirror reflecting back what she wants to hear? As a husband, Jeff Feldhahn has some great wisdom to share.
You could save your marriage or relationship by following the ideas in "for men only." From personal experience, it might be a little dangerous to read each other's books. Only do so if very brave and ready for conflict resolution.
~The Rebecca Review
87 of 94 people found the following review helpful
on May 1, 2006
My wife and I were going to be teaching seperate guys and girls Bible studies this summer. We bought this book, as well as For Women Only, in order to read up some in preparation to teach. We got a lot more than we bargained for.
On the one hand, this book will help neither of us much in preparation for our classes. On the other hand, it is a great book that I think every person should read. We began reading one night together, and almost instantly, our relationship began to improve. We didn't even have a bad relationship, but there's always room for improvement, right?
This book is easily accessible for just about anyone. The writing style is simple to read, and you will move along quickly. There is enough humor to make you chuckle throughout. While there are quite a few statistics, you won't find yourself bogged down in them. The research is done well and fairly unbiased. There are also some very practical things that anyone can do to help improve on their relationship.
My wife and I kept finding ourselves asking each other about the findings in the book. Amazingly enough, "For Men Only" seems to catch the truth about most women (just as "For Women Only" does about men). The writers are Christians (as are my wife and I), but they don't start with Scriptures to base their point. They let the statistics speak for themselves, and it just so happens that many of the results line up with biblical evidence.
All things said, it is a great book. It is a quick and easy read, as well as extremely helpful. If you are in a relationship, you can't afford not to read this book. My only suggestion is this...both partners need to read the volume for them together. It will open amazing dialogue between you.
56 of 63 people found the following review helpful
I'm a woman, and I read "For Women Only" first. In fact, I read that book several times, started to apply it, told my boyfriend about it, and then asked him if he'd like to read "For Men Only." He happily agreed. I first read the book (constantly thinking, "You mean, men don't know that!?!") while I also marked how I would have answered the survey questions. My boyfriend has now read this book several times and has started to apply it. He says he loves how I treat him (using information from "For Women Only") and I'm in bliss right now from his efforts to apply what he learned in "For Men Only." I've read other books on similar subjects, but none really get to the heart of the issues like these two little books. Thanks so much for writing them!
Update: Men (and women!), please don't think you're an expert on your mate just because you read this book several times. It's a great book, but listen if someone tells you that a part doesn't strongly apply to them! Believe me, most women would love this, but I'm getting sick and tired of being told I'm so beautiful and rock my boyfriend's world. That was never an issue for me and hearing this two or three times every time we interact is making the words lose all meaning to me, but my boyfriend won't stop because "it's in the book!"
87 of 102 people found the following review helpful
on June 19, 2006
As a pastor of 27 years who does a lot of counseling, I wish this book had been written years ago. It clearly and succinctly discusses how women think and what they need from their husbands.
I have read many books about male/female differences (and numerous counseling books), so much of the material here I already knew. I was reading it to determine if I should recommend it to folks I counsel. I was surprised to find useful and practical information here I had never seen before.
For example, I have always known that women could multi-task and divide their attention, unlike men who focus intently upon one thing at a time. But I never knew that women could not help dividing their attention -- computer-like "windows" of thought involuntarily pop up in their minds, "windows" that could not be easily closed. This fact of "thought bombardments from the past" fits the reality I have observed, but I never could put my finger on it before reading this book.
The chapter about sex would help so many men and improve the sex lives of so many couples.
My only objection in the book is that it includes, "significant others," thus implying the legitimacy of live-in relationships. This is atypical for evangelical publishers.
Nonetheless, pastors and Christian couples will benefit greatly from this book.
21 of 22 people found the following review helpful
on June 5, 2007
For Men Only
By Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn
601 N Larch St
Sisters, OR 97759
Wow! Guys are you in for an eye opener. I would say this is a must read for every man on the planet! I thoroughly enjoyed this book by the husband and wife team.
There were things in there that I thought that every guy knew, and I found out that they don't. What an experience.
The book is laid out first and foremost like a map for all the guys out there. There are five key points that are stated right up in the front. No bones about it writing here, and there is no beating around the bush. So just dive on in and hang on for dear life.
The first area that is addressed is that "Women have a fundamental insecurity about your love." They need to be reassured, now to you (men) this may not seem logical, but it is necessary. There are hidden triggers to clue you in: conflict, withdrawal, silence, her "emotional bank account" is depleted, you're absent a lot, unresolved relationship issues. Lucky for you guys that there are two key solutions: Regular Reassurance, and Persistent Pursuit.
Lesson number two is that women are always thinking about many things. These things can be unwanted and even unwelcome, they can't help it though. Realize that you may not be the issue, even if you are affected by it. Think of her brain like a computer with several things open and she keeps jumping from task to task, and there are hundreds of those pesky little pop-ups that come all the time. This may give you a clue as to how your woman's brain works.
Next is that women need "security", and no it is not the type of security that you are thinking. Emotional security is much more important than financial security to a woman. They want their man to be there for them, not always away providing. Another key thing is that they want you to be happy with your job, even if it means that there may be some financial struggles. A woman picks a happy man over an unhappy one any day.
Contrary to men's beliefs, she doesn't need space, she needs to talk. No she does not want you to take the place of her best friend and be there for hours of conversation. But she does need you to be there and really listen. "The person who listens holds enormous power. They even give specific steps on how to be a good listener.
Sex is important to her too! If she is saying no, it's not you she is rejecting. Women are a different beast all together, and it is the same with sex. For a guy it is like flipping a switch, but for a woman there has to be a warm up first. If she cannot switch over to sex mode, it may be that she is dealing with something from the day still and cannot get that pesky pop-up to go away. It's usually not about you the man, or even that she is turning you down.
Beauty is important to your woman and she needs to know that you find her beautiful. Tell her and reassure her (just like with your love). There is still a little girl inside that needs to know that you, her main man, finds her pretty and attractive.
In conclusion, the ball is in your (the man's) court. Know that the woman in your life most of all wants you. You are central to them, and are needed. You now have the knowledge into the wonderful woman who you love. These lessons can be applied to your mother, wife, daughter, sister, cousin, co-workers, and just about any woman that you come into contact with. Who knows, you may even have a better life by practicing some of the things in the book.
I know I wrote this review to the men, but it is the only way that I can truly express what I learned. Women can learn a lot from this book too. It opens up a door to how your man thinks about you, and areas that you can help him understand you better. We are made to compliment each other and that is why God made us so different.
This book is also in the same format as Shaunti's book For Women Only. It is easy to follow along, and an easy read. Compliments all around.
26 of 29 people found the following review helpful
on August 10, 2009
Being a man, I am always willing to learn more about female psychology. The problem with the books about this topic is: they are few (women are more interested in reading books about male psychology than the other way around) and they contradict each other. This book adds to the confusion giving some advice which flies in the face of other books I have read.
This is a book for committed relationships. And it has a Christian orientation. I don't have any problem with that. Although I am not a Christian, I am religious and Christian references don't bother me. If you happen to be offended by references about God and the Gospels, please stay away from this book.
Firstly, the book is very useful in explaining the reason about some women's behaviors which challenge men's understanding. The book is filled with truths: from the very obvious ones ("Women have lower sex drives than men in average", "Women like to solve problems by talking about them") to the not-so-obvious ones ("Women can't disconnect from a problem as easily as men do").
Secondly, the book gives some useful advice to work with the problems explained.
Thirdly, the book is well written, easily read and the authors have included a quick start guide which is useful and convenient to review the main points.
Fourthly, the book relies on a statistical survey. This fact distinguishes from other books which are based on anechdotal evidence or misinterpretations of scientific studies.
Fifthly, this book treats both sexes with respect and this is not usual in this kind of studies (see, for example, my review about "the female brain")
So why do I give it only four stars? Because I think the book has some flaws.
1) The authors have selected some six findings about the inner lives of women and they have submitted these findings to a survey. Good enough but I wonder if these findings are the most important or relevant. Is it not possible to find more than six findings about female psychology? Why these ones and not other ones?
2) In my humble opinion, the authors are too confident about the survey. They claim a statement and then they give the survey as the definitive proof. But I am wary about surveys who ask people about their feelings and thought processes. For these "introspection" surveys to be accurate, the following statements should be true:
a) People know what they want.
b) People say what they think.
Obviously, when people are asked about their most intimate details of their lives, you can't be sure of anyone of these statement.
About a), people are not always rational (they have a rational brain and an emotional brain). When asked about the motives of actions motivated by irrational feelings, they are prone to rationalize their actions. For example, women (like men) may be rational about their feelings or they may not. I could cite my sister, who every time she has a PMS is compelled to fight with anybody who interacts with her. If she is asked about the motives of these fights, she rationalizes by blaming the other person. Another example can be found in item 3) below.
About b), people are prone to hide a thought if this is not approved socially. For example, in page 78 we read, "Shaunt turned to the women in the audience and asked: 'If you had to choose, would you rather endure financial struggles or a lack of closeness in your relationship?'. Nearly every female hand went up for the 'I'd rather endure financial struggles'".
Based on this and a similar result in the survey, the authors conclude that emotional security is more important than financial security. Obviously, the authors have not considered that, with this question, they were asking "Do you value more money or love?" or, in other words, "Are you materialistic?" in disguise. What human being would answer affirmatively to this question IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE?
Even more, a thing is to say "I would endure financial struggles" and other different is to really endure them. Everybody can say "I would endure financial struggles for love" but the proof of truth comes when you are having financial problems, your children are suffering and you see no future. Everybody can pretend to be a selfless individual and to behave with no interest and only based on the highest principles. But, as they say in my country, "When hunger enters through the door, love leaves through the window".
A better experiment would have been trying to survey a statistically significant group of men to determine their financial status, their emotional openness and their married state. Then a really simple statistical analysis could have been done to determine if financially secure men are more likely to be married than emotionally open men (these would be only two regressions). This would have been a survey about facts and not about words (which are dozen-a-dime).
3) The last problem I find with this book is that it recommends men to be always catering to women's feelings. Even if the woman is pushing away the husband, he must be telling her "I love you". The authors make a good job explaining why this works and I think it works IN THE SHORT TERM. But, ultimately, women don't want to be with a pushover, with a spineless man. They lose respect if you are easily manipulated by their mood swings. If you do everything that is adviced in this book you will improve your marriage in the short term. But I think it would be awful in the long term. Your wife would lose respect for you, would start to be "bored" and you know all these good men and husband who are being divorced by their wives because they are bored.
I don't have the answers for that but I think it is better to draw some fair principles at the beginning of the relatioship and not to compromise about these principles because a woman happens to be in a bad mood. When the crisis is over, a woman can understand and admire a man who has done what he thinks it is fair instead of placating his wife by submitting to her mood.
So take the advice in this book with a grain of salt. In my opinion, this is a good book but not the Bible about female psychology.
In summary, a good book. In a world filled with books about female psychology, it would receive three stars. But, being the sources of information about this topic so scarce, it is a must-read for those of us who really want to understand women and make them happy.
14 of 15 people found the following review helpful
on August 27, 2007
Overall this was a good book, and I appreciated how the polls taken were completely honest, some giving pretty even numbers straight through sometimes, so it wasn't like you could say "ok, ALL women prefer this/that/whatever." It made me think differently about women when it comes to the most important points, like their sexual attraction (or lack thereof) to men/husbands, and how women REALLY feel about their husbands or boyfriends looking at other women, and generally it's NOT because of typical spoiled schoolgirl jealousy, but goes a lot deeper. And lastly, how women REALLY feel about financial and emotional security and the eye-popping truth that they'd rather have the latter while suffering hardships in the former.
My only gripes with it were that some sentences felt like run-ons or they weren't able to express themselves well enough because of lack of professional writing skills (though they are good), also that it felt too short and too expensive for the amount of content. Still, I'm glad I read it, because it made me realize that women (despite popular secular jerk belief) are NOT always the unhappy, irrational, and "impossible to please" people the world has made them out to be. If you're a guy you'd do well to read this.
13 of 14 people found the following review helpful
on May 19, 2008
I have always been skeptical of the idea that women can be understood. However, after reading this book, I now have a very good understanding of how my wife's brain works.
This book is written specifically for men, and so it is organized and written in a tone we understand and appreciate. I am a slow reader who gets distracted easily, but this book I could not put down. It is very well written. You will read it and very frequently think, "Wow! That makes perfect sense!"
I started using what I learned in this book right away, and it has helped my marriage tremendously!
I had the hardest time figuring out why my wife always asked if I loved her, even though I say "I love you" all the time, and why she feels alone when I'm right there in the same room doing the same activities with her. This book makes sense of otherwise confusing things about women.
I would have gladly paid double the price for this book after having read it.
So stop getting frustrated at your wife or significant other, and buy this book, read it, and use your knowledge to make your life, and hers, much better! You'll be glad you did!
14 of 16 people found the following review helpful
on July 10, 2006
I purchased this book along with the companion book "For Women Only:..." while suffering from severe depression and feeling like my marriage was also suffering.
The idea behind the purchase of this specific book was to help me to understand my own feelings so that I could get better. I will admit that I was also hoping my husband would read it too.
While reading this book I felt that Shaunti read my mind and plainly wrote down what I couldn't put into words. Now I have a better understanding of myself and can explain to my husband why I feel the way I feel or why I do what I do without putting him on the defensive.
After reading "For Men Only" and the companion "For Women Only" I have a better understanding of my marriage and am now happier than ever.
While this book comes from a Christian perspective, it is not so saturated with Christian beliefs that non-religious men and women wouldn't benefit.
As a non-religious person, I highly recommend this book for anyone who wants to have a better understanding of themselves or their spouse whether their marriage is "happy" or "failing."
114 of 149 people found the following review helpful
on July 23, 2008
Both books were interesting. But scanning the reviews for both books today was more illuminating.
"For Men Only" - helping men figure out their fairer partner - garnered about 90 comments thus far. The few negative reviews (less than 3 stars) were from two apparently unhappily-married guys, and a woman suggesting if you didn't already know what women wanted you were clueless. The rest, mostly by women (my best guess here, given the pronouns and screen names used by reviewers), offered glowing commentary of how important it is to understand and meet a woman's needs. Ah, the importance of patience, kindness, listening. My favorites were the ones in all capitals and exclamation points. Yes, yes, YES, YES!!!
Now scan the "For Women Only" comments - all 212 of them. Thus far there are 29 negative reviews (including 16 "1 star" votes) for a book on how ladies can better love their men. There were a few unhappy guys, mostly complaining the book wasn't "biblical" enough, but the bulk came from ladies insulted (!) by the idea of compromising their feminine selves for some man.
The ladies offered such loving things as:
"Unfortunately, this book is only going to help you if you're a fat nagging religious close minded wife who's let herself go."
"The entire book was about stroking a man's ego at the expense of anything the woman may want."
"This book is full of generalizations and stereotypes that should have gone out of fashion at the same time as beehive hairdos."
"If you want to find a reason to play into all of the broad societal expectations about your personal appearance, your sexual boundaries, and general steps to becoming a Stepford wife, then this is your book!"
Or my favorite: "There is an underlying "good" here that is twisted in a package that will be ultimately damaging to our children and to ourselves. Yes, we must be careful of our spouse's emotional, physical, sexual, and relational needs. But we must do this out of love and respect that is guided by a sense of mutuality in the marriage relationship, not by catering to an unhealthy sense of self-worth that is so pervasive in the responses of Feldhahn's participants. Feldhahn has taken these unhealthy responses and twisted them into normal "healthy" responses that women must then take care of through their behavior and appearance. We should not buy into this myth. Rather, we should take seriously the feelings of low self-esteem, poor attachment, and an un-Biblical view of the role of women in a marriage relationship that were demonstrated by the participant's responses and work to improve the messages we are sending the men in our society."
Obviously a graduate of Women's Studies at Wellesley College.
Now, don't get me wrong. The large majority of both men and women who read these two books found them helpful in understanding the opposite sex a little better. Most couples also found them to be good conversation-starters, important for any relationship. Having scanned both I also thought there was plenty of useful info in each. It's hard, though, to miss the more gracious thoughts liberally applied to his book about her, compared to the begrudging admission in the other that, well, men like being loved too.
Speaking of usefulness, perhaps the person these books helped the most was a former boyfriend of Ms. Rhonda Pyle of Corpus, TX:
"My boyfriend gave me this book in hopes that I would read it and think that what it was saying was insightful and profound. He thought it could help make me into the woman he wanted me to be. I just want to say to the women that are considering buying this book: I broke up with my boyfriend of two years - who I was going to marry - shortly after he gave me this unhelpful, uninspired piece of material. I was glad though; it revealed to me the kind of man he was. I don't think this helped me understand men more; it just made excuses for them. I remember thinking how often it excused men's insecurities and how women should just be OK with this obvious fault. I'm a Christian woman, but I don't believe that women have to be pushovers for men in order to be a righteous woman in their marriages..."
Wherever you are, bro, count your blessings. You dodged a bullet thanks to this little book.
Perhaps Ms. Rhonda's unwittingly found the most important reason to buy Shaunti's stuff: Give a copy to your (prospective) mate and see what happens. If it gets devoured and put into action, you're a lucky guy/gal. If it remains un-opened on the nightstand or ends up in the garbage disposal, perhaps you should reconsider your options...