Forced to Be Family: A Guide for Living with Sinister Sisters, Drama Mamas, and Infuriating In-Laws [Hardcover]

Cheryl Dellasega PhD (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 0470049995 | ISBN-13: 978-0470049990 | Publication Date: September 28, 2007 | Edition: 1

You can survive the "kitchen wars"—and live in peace with your family

"My sisters-in-law couldn't stand me. I was really hurt when my kids weren't mentioned in their grandmother's obituary because they weren't 'full-blooded' family."

"My mom is always giving advice, always telling me to do such and such when she doesn't do it herself. If my husband and I have a fight, she takes his side!"

"My sister did call me a week later to apologize but proceeded to tell me everything that was wrong with me, my husband, and my children."

Sound familiar? There's nothing new or unusual about conflict between mothers, sisters, and other female family members—but that doesn't make it any less painful or destructive. Adding to the hurt of relational abuse within the family is the permanent nature of the relationship: you can sever relations with an abusive friend, but you can't stop being the sister/daughter/niece of an abusive relative. Does that mean that there's no way out?

In Forced to Be Family, you'll discover how to determine whether a female family member is being abusive, recognize the sources of that abuse, and break the vicious cycle that keeps the abuse alive. You don't have to choose between accepting abuse and "making a scene." This insightful, reassuring guide gives you the strategies and understanding you need to reestablish warm and loving relationships with the women who will always be closest to you.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Relationship counselor Dellasega adds to her long list of self-help books dealing with mean and troubled women (Surviving Ophelia, Girl Wars, Mean Girls Grown Up). Chock-full of real-life, victim-oriented stories by complaining women, Dellasega's latest is based on the idea that no one can hurt a woman more than a member of her own family, especially if the aggressor is female. Dellasega, a professor in the College of Medicine and in the department of humanities and women's studies at Penn State, offers depressing tales of women betraying their sisters and mothers-in-law humiliating their sons' wives. No longer a symptom of what used to be called a dysfunctional family, Dellasega labels this unrest Relative Relational Aggression or Relative RA. By the end, one can't help but long for the sensible advice of the late Ann Landers. Once, when someone wrote in to her asking what to do when a family member was rude to you, Landers told her to simply say, Excuse me? But then where's the drama in that? (Oct.)
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Review

Relationship counselor Dellasega adds to her long list of self-help books dealing with mean and troubled women (Surviving Ophelia, Girl Wars,Mean Girls Grown Up). Chock-full of real-life, victim-oriented stories by complaining women, Dellasega's latest is based on the idea that no one can hurt a woman more than a member of her own family, especially if the aggressor is female. Dellasega, a professor in the College of Medicine and in the department of humanities and women's studies at Penn State, offers depressing tales of women betraying their sisters and mothers-in-law humiliating their sons' wives. No longer a symptom of what used to be called a “dysfunctional family,” Dellasega labels this unrest “Relative Relational Aggression” or “Relative RA.” By the end, one can't help but long for the sensible advice of the late Ann Landers. Once, when someone wrote in to her asking what to do when a family member was rude to you, Landers told her to simply say, “Excuse me?” But then where's the drama in that? (Oct.) (Publishers Weekly, August 20, 2007)

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 272 pages
• Publisher: Wiley; 1 edition (September 28, 2007)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0470049995
• ISBN-13: 978-0470049990
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6.2 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 15.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (9 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #320,534 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Last 24 years=Mom
Last 23 years=wife
Last 20 years=Professor (Humanities and Women's Studies at Penn State University)
Last 5 years=author of NF books for women
Last 4 years=founder of Club and Camp Ophelia

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

8 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars A rehash of what everyone knows, January 11, 2008

By 

angusmacscottie "RJB" (Fishers, IN USA) - See all my reviews

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This review is from: Forced to Be Family: A Guide for Living with Sinister Sisters, Drama Mamas, and Infuriating In-Laws (Hardcover)

The author resurrects all the old cliches about mothers-in-law, backbiting sisters, and other assorted dysfunctional family members. The book was surprisingly uninforming. Anyone could have written this book. If you want masterful advice as to how to deal with these people, read Dickens, he's covered just about all the problems families pose, with more panache, pathos, and genius.

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Glad I Borrowed Instead of Bought, April 22, 2010

By 

Linden (USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Forced to Be Family: A Guide for Living with Sinister Sisters, Drama Mamas, and Infuriating In-Laws (Hardcover)

I'm giving this book two stars instead of one, because I think someone could find it helpful. It spends a lot of pages dealing with issues between sisters, and issues between mothers and daughters. For people with those specific issues, this might be an excellent book.

However, I read this book hoping to find some insights into problems with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, more specifically looking for some explanation or understanding of my sister-in-law's behavior, and perhaps so tips for both situations. Unfortunately, the chapter entitled "Mothers and Sisters By Law" mostly informs the reader that there are websites where people are able to share their woes, talks about competition between sisters from a sister-in-law's point of view, and shares some statistics. For a book that admits that family problems are most commonly with mother-in-laws and sister-in-laws, this chapter reads like a last minute report. You know the one when the student stays up all night trying to make a few hours worth of research seem like they spent weeks on it? That one.

At the end of the chapter the author admits that she is one of the fortunate few that has always liked her sisters-in-law. Really? That's nice. But then the chapter ends. The only enlightening bit about sisters-in-law in the entire chapter is that "One expert I spoke with assured me that sisters will never get along with their brother's wives because of territorial issues." The author attributes this sentiment to cave-woman instincts, but does not elaborate. At one point there is a reference to "take-backs," a type of behavior wherein one party insults the other and then claims to have been joking, but there are no examples given, and no tips to be found for dealing with it.

At the very end of the book the author tries to give some universal advice in how to improve problems within families. I skimmed until I found the chapter "Special Solutions for In-Laws and Exes." Some of the advice is so simplistic that is unhelpfully obvious, while other bits of advice are helplessly naive. If you are someone who already has in-law problems, be warned that this chapter will frustrate you. "Live and let live." The author says. "Enjoy the moment." Advice that is about as helpful and insightful as a greeting card.

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Not quite as advertised, August 7, 2008

By 

Liz Hamilton (SC, USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Forced to Be Family: A Guide for Living with Sinister Sisters, Drama Mamas, and Infuriating In-Laws (Hardcover)

This book provides vivid anecdotes about relationship aggression (some of which I would categorize as abuse)and does an excellent job of describing the nature of the problem. It provides relatively little information, however, about how to deal effectively with these difficult family situations. More how-tos would significantly strengthen this book.