Customer Reviews

Forever Lily: An Unexpected Mother's Journey to Adoption in China

5 star:		(14)
4 star:		(10)
3 star:		(9)
2 star:		(8)
1 star:		(9)

 

 

I am spending a few months abroad in South Africa, and a friend who visited left this book with me. I am considering an international adoption, so I thought the book would be interesting. However, this ranks as one of the worst, most annoying books that I have ever picked up. The author tells the story of how when she accompanied a friend to pick up the Chinese baby that the friend was adopting, she ended up adopting the child herself. If she had told the story in a straightforward fashion, it might have been fine, though her writing is not particularly strong and her personality not particularly sympathetic, since she has little compassion for her friend and shows little understanding of Chinese culture and society. But instead, she intersperses the text with accounts of her dreams about being a concubine to an Emperor. A good third of the book is about her dreams, which she sees as significant but which are in fact an offensive Orientalist fantasy. I found her reactions to and descriptions of China and the Chinese people offensive. If that isn't enough, in the middle of the book she starts bringing in her mystic spiritual adviser, whom she contacts several times from China. I have no objection to faith and the mystical - in fact, I love magical realism - but the author's mystical inclinations are so poorly developed and so lacking in reflection that they really become annoying. The book becomes increasingly focused on fate and how she has been destined to adopt this baby since her teen years when she started speaking Chinese in her sleep! Rubish!! How do things like this get published?

This book was engaging, but I wouldn't exactly say it was great. The author interrups the flow of the story with long, rambling re-tellings of her dreams. The dream sequences seem a bit too conveniently in line with the real-life event, making them seem forced. I had to skip over them to get to the acutal meat of the story.
The author writes like a therapist when describing others, leading to a somewhat clinical and distant tone. The most intruiging aspect of the story is the friend who was originally supposed to adopt the child. Without ever saying anything negative, the author painted a picture of a horribly selfish and irresponsible person. My anger at this woman is what kept me engaged.

I have read many books about China and Chinese adoption. I am adoptive mother myself, and I am always interested in this topic. This book was probably the worst I have ever read. I hope the little girl in question and the author, as well as the mother who intended to adopt but did not, are all doing okay. The author paints a very unfortunate picture of a woman who gets to China and gets overwhelmed by the prospect of adoption. I believe the author's own actions serve to derail her friend, not help her, and show very little compassion for her friend's point of view, while making herself out to be a saint. I've been there, and believe me, it is easy to get overwhelmed during this process! Adoption from China is a little bit like going on a blind date and bringing your date home with you...forever! Yes, it is scary! Not everyone is going to feel an instant magical connection to their adoptive child. And it doesn't help matters that the child is just dropped off at a hotel or office building with strangers. The child is even more traumatized than the adoptive parents!It takes a sense of humor, patience, faith, hope, and support for some families to eventually feel like families. The author's friend should have left this woman at home and brought her husband along, presumably her true best friend. Maybe he could have given her the support that she desperately needed during those weeks in China. I hope she has stopped beating herself up about her trip to China and moved on with her life. As for the author, I don't know what to say. I hope she is no longer working as a counselor. She seems a little crazy.

I just completed this book last night and was very bothered by what I read. While the interplay between Alex and Beth is interesting, I was horrified by her descriptions of China and her pereceptions of the Chinese. Although she asserts that the reason she was invited on the trip was because of her travel experience, I would venture that Beth has NOT traveled extensively abroad and especially not in Asia. I think she viewed the country and people through very American eyes and that can not and should not be done. They are not American and we are two very different cultures. As such we are going to have different beliefs about democracy and freedom. She complains of being jostled about and stared at but these are normal occurences in China. The pushing in the market places was not a reflection of what they thought of her, because I doubt little thought went towards her. I'm glad she ate most of her meals in the hotel or she would have been quite surprised at the pushing that goes on while at a buffet!
She viewed the treatment of the orphans at the orphanage as neglectful. I believe they are probably doing the best they can with the resources they have available. The reason the babies are seated on the benches is to allow them to be up and interact with other children, but also to prevent them from falling and hurting themselves. Which is worse? The poorer more rural orphanages do not receive adequate support from their government which is why they rely on the $[...] orphanage fee from the adoptive parents.
I understand as an adoptive parent she wants to define the incredible connection she feels to her daughter, but the dream sequence goes beyond straining credulity. It was a distraction to the story and just another thread to force us to believe this was meant to be.
For someone who feels so strongly connected to China, asserting on some level that she is Chinese, I was appalled by her lack of knowledge of the country, people, culture and beliefs. In the epilogue she tells of visiting Hong Kong with her now 6 year-old daughter. She writes "your very presence frees them of their guilt, Lily; perhaps you understand this." Perhaps in China this would be true, but Hong Kong operates as a separate entity. The citizens of Hong Kong do not know the plight of the orphans in China, why would they? That is another country's problem. The preference for males does not exist in Hong Kong. They have no population control (no 1 child laws).
As a person who has traveled extensively,spent time in these countries, and has friends from both Hong Kong and China I was disturbed that the author did not spend more time learning about the place her daughter came from. Maybe she felt that these omissions made for a better story, but I am bothered that people with no first hand experience with China or the Chinese will read this book and make unfair judgements based on one woman's story.

In connection with a recent trip to China, I've had more than a passing interest in books dealing with China, usually with a strong business angle to it, but when I saw this book, I couldn't help myself to pick it up.

In "Forever Lily:An Unexpected Mother's Journey to Adoption in China" (216 pages), author Beth Nonte Russell retells the true story of her one week trip to China in Fall, 1999, when she accompanied a friend of hers who was going to pick up a Chinese baby for adoption. Without wanting to spoil the plot completely, let's just say that things take a very different turn once they arrive in China. The author is at her best when recounting the sights and sounds of China, and the day-to-day struggles involving the adoption procedures. Having visited China myself recently, the author's observations on China are generally spot-on. Where the book misfires, however, are the over-long (and self-serving) "dreams" the author recounts having had leading up to and during her trip to China. These sequences detract in my opinion from the real beauty of the book. That aside, I really enjoyed the book, and I found myself turning the pages on a recent plane ride.

At the end of the book, there is also a nice "reading group guide", asking some pointed questions intended for group discussion, and also bringing an interview with the author.

I found this gem of a book in an airport bookstore and it made a long layover and plane trip seem to "fly" by. I couldn't put it down. My favorite part of this beautifully written story were the vivid and detailed dream passages. Integral to the unfolding of the story, the dreams offer a glimpse into the author's psyche, subconscious - her very soul. The author's willingness to invite the reader along on her inner journey is what sets this book apart from other memoirs. Without the dream passages, this book would be little more than a travelogue through China that leads to adoption. I applaud the author's courage in sharing her amazing story and am richer for having read it. If you are open to reading about beliefs, experiences and a perspective that may be different from your own, you will enjoy this book.

I read this book because it was chosen for my bookclub. What a disappointment! The writing was horrible and contrived, the author is condescending towards Chinese culture while claiming she herself is Chinese (but from a different lifetime). The dream sections of the book are the absolute worst. Stay away!

As the mother of a daughter adopted from China, I try to read as much in this area as I can, and encourage others to do the same, but... I'd recommend skipping this one.

Occasionally, I have read others' adoption stories and have been disappointed in them, but in this case I was disturbed.

I was hoping for a Karin Evans-like story (Lost Daughters of China) that pulled together the dreams and the realities of the author's bonds with the child. That didn't happen. More disturbing than that was the story of how Lily became the author's child and not that of the mother who was intended for her. This is an atypical adoption story (I hope)- one of disruption, of difficulty bonding, and sadness and depression.

Please, if you're considering adoption from China, read something less contraversial than this option.

I found this book to be so strange. I kept asking myself if this could have possibly happened. It reads almost like a cautionary tale of what can happen if a person decides to adopt a child for the wrong reasons. So many many things could have gone wrong for this author. I suppose she wasn't writing a "how to" book. It certainly is not the route one wants to take when adopting a child from China. I was astonished at the ambivalence of the author's traveling companion...and the self centered flip flopping she kept doing. CLEARLY this woman had no business adopting a child...but I have to wonder what on EARTH allowed her to go as far she did before she turned back. That poor child was nearly a victim of this woman's lack of foresight and ability to put an innocent child before herself. That being said I can completely understand the panic that might assault a person upon the realization that you are NOT prepared to take on the responsibility for a child you have just been handed. It must be horrifying to face the amount of time and money that was put forth to realize that moment only to feel nothing but dread and panic...but these children are not dolls. They can't be returned if you change your mind. I found myself feeling extreme anger towards this woman. i wanted to reach through the pages and shake her.

Luckily things turned out to be cosmically at peace for this child and the author. But oh my it could have gone disastrously wrong for all involved.

the dreams sequences were weird. no other way to describe it. They distracted from the story.

all in all I actually did enjoy the book. It was provocative in a lot of ways and really makes a person think about adoption, what it means and the emotions one might be confronted with upon arrival in China.

The moral of the story...do not proceed with the arduous process of adoption if you and your family are not in 100% sure that this is what you want to do.

:)

Forever Lily by Beth Nonte Russell is a moving memoir of how a woman's quest to find herself brings her instead to adopt a Chinese baby girl who stole her heart. Russell traveled to China with her friend, Alex, to help Alex adopt a baby girl. But when they arrived in China and Alex met the girl who was to be her daughter, she couldn't find any love in her heart for the infant. Russell was initially forced to change and feed the child, but quickly found her heart stolen by the dignity and sadness in Baby's face. Russell captures her head over heels fall into love with a child who almost immediately owned her heart with grace and joy. The reader can't help but ache with Russell as Alex plays tug of war with her emotions going from Here, take the baby to I want the baby. Russell's anecdotes about the adoption and the crisis state of the orphanages in China are well written and thoroughly enjoyable. Less enjoyable are her "dreams" that she intersperses throughout the book which correspond a little too closely to the events in her life. Russell believes in reincarnation and seems to be channeling a former life as Empress of China. Yeah, Empress, no one is ever a peasant. Those stories diminish the power and quality of a story which should be about the growing love between a mother and daughter and instead becomes a woman's self-indulgent analysis of her past life.