What Forever Means After the Death of a Child: Transcending the Trauma, Living with the Loss [Paperback]

Kay Talbot (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 1583910808 | ISBN-13: 978-1583910801 | Publication Date: April 1, 2002 | Edition: 1

List of Tables. List of Figures. Series Editor's Foreword. Preface. Prologue. Acknowledgements. What It Means to Be a Parent After a Child Had Died. The "Mothers Now Childless" Study: Research Design and Findings. When a Child Dies, Does Grieving Ever End? One Death - A Thousand Strands of Pain: Finding the Meaning of Suffering. Bereaved Parents' Search for Understanding: The Paradox of Healing. Confronting a Spiritual Crisis: Where is God When Bad Things Happen? Confronting an Existential Crisis: Can Life Have Purpose Again? Deciding to Survive: Reaching Bottom - Climbing Up. Remembering With Love: Bereaved Parents as Biographer. Reaching Out to Help Others: Wounded Healers. Reinventing the Self: Parents Ask, "Who Are We Now?". The Legacy of Loss. References. Resources. Appendices. Index.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"What Forever Means After the Death of a Child will become a classic because Dr. Talbot combines all of the vital elements of a vital resource for helping... [T]he few good studies of parental survivorship are explained and applied in ways that provide concrete direction to helpers and to the parents themselves." -- Charles R. Figley, Ph.D., Series Editor and Director, Florida State University Traumatology Institute

About the Author

Kay Talbot is a psychotherapist working with individuals, families, and groups experiencing life transitions. Her groundbreaking research on the death of an only child has been published in leading journals.

Product Details

• Paperback: 262 pages
• Publisher: Routledge; 1 edition (April 1, 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1583910808
• ISBN-13: 978-1583910801
• Product Dimensions: 8.7 x 6 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (2 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #648,516 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

20 of 20 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Bereaved parents are amongst the bravest and best people in this world, April 22, 2009

By 

L. A. Schroeder - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: What Forever Means After the Death of a Child: Transcending the Trauma, Living with the Loss (Paperback)

Since the death of my 17 year old son Mark, I have devoured every book about the after-life and living with grief that I could lay my hands on. I found Dr Kay Talbot's research findings really valuable to work through. Grieving parents frequently get counselling and advice from either their religious leaders or psychologists. Both tend to be orientated towards acceptance and closure in the long term.

For a parent who is stumbling through grief it is extremely unfair to expect them to accept their child's death as `God's will' and to tell them that they need to start `moving on', `getting closure' and other equally nonsensical ideas. This makes the grieving parent feel guilty and a failure when they can't heal as quickly as others expect them to and it's very unkind.

Many models of grief therapy are damaging to the healing of a parent who has lost a child. For instance, the Gestalt approach is orientated towards integrating loss into our self-identity and finding a way to re-invest in a future without our precious child. While this is positive, the end goal of Gestalt therapy is closure, being able to say `goodbye'.

What these therapists don't appreciate is that the death of a child is the most catastrophic life event that can befall a person. I have lost a mother and two very close friends whom I loved dearly. But I was able to say goodbye and move on, keeping memories of them in my heart and from time to time I think fondly or regretfully of them. These deaths did not disrupt my life for more than a fortnight. My self-identity was not ripped apart and I could function despite my sadness.

I have lived with a broken heart for nearly 4 years now. I am proud of myself for continuing to function, for the way I reach out to the living, invest time and energy into new projects and for making it my goal to be optimistic and grateful. But to tell me I should achieve closure is unrealistic and emotionally cruel.

The other cruelty I have come across is the concept that experiences of receiving signs from your dead child or having visions of them and dream visits from them is dismissed as hallucination; and if this is prolonged, an indication of pathological grief. If this is true, then I would like to know how normal robust, fun-loving 21 year old boys who played rugby with my son still phone me and email me now to tell me about the signs they get and the dream experiences they have with my son who was their captain and close mate. Are they also experiencing pathological grief? I think not.

Everyone in our community knew me as `Markie's mom'. I do not want to stop being Markie's mom. I believe his spirit is always with me - that we are connected for eternity. We all receive signs from him and he still visits his brothers and his parents in dreams. In the dreams he sometimes tells us of things that will happen in the future that we know nothing about and don't understand but then a week or a month later those things will happen. Many of these accounts are shared in the legacy section of his website www.mark-schroeder.memory-of.com. We celebrate each of his birthdays. Every year on the anniversary of his death we light candles for him and have a dinner with music and tributes to him and talk about the profound effect his love and life had, and continues to have, on us all.

The term closure is a myth that should never be applied to the death of a child. I moderate an internet grief group for parents who have lost a teenage child and I have done voluntary grief counselling with over 100 bereaved parents. Every single one of them lives with the hope of one day being reunited with their child. It is the single most important motivation for trying to live on meaningfully.

If my leg was amputated from the knee down after an accident, none of my friends or medical care givers would expect me to walk as fast as I used to. None of my friends would say to me after 4 years: "Oh come on now, losing the bottom half of your leg is not such a big deal, why don't you just try to do the 12m hike with us."

I would know that when I over-exerted myself or in the cold winter months I would be likely to experience stabbing pain in the stump that was my knee and I wouldn't feel guilty because my leg was sore. For the rest of my life, I would live as best as I could, but my life would be built around accommodating my disability and pain.

A broken heart is not a tangible condition that people can see so they quickly forget that every day, it takes more energy, more effort, more self-discipline and more courage to live than it does for others who have not had their future shattered and their hearts ripped open.

WHAT FOREVER MEANS AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD supports everything I have felt and experienced. Reading the research findings encourage me enormously. Dr Talbot's approach does not advocate saying goodbye to your child. Rather it encourages maintaining a relationship with your spirit child, incorporating their legacy and their memory into the life we live now without them physically with us on earth.

The sub-title expresses this: LIVING WITH THE LOSS - NOT getting over the loss. You never get over the death of a child; you just learn to live in a new and different way. The pain does not go away. Telling parents that it should places an incredible burden on them to perform and makes them feel hopelessly isolated and inadequate.

Bereaved parents are amongst the bravest and best people in this world. We are survivors of a traumatic and catastrophic life-changing event. We need life-long support and encouragement and we should be applauded every day we get out of bed and smile at someone. Thank you Kay Talbot!

6 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Give it to anyone who has lost an only child.., May 10, 2010

By 

L. Locker ""Big Dog Daddy"" (Lawrence, KS United States) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: What Forever Means After the Death of a Child: Transcending the Trauma, Living with the Loss (Paperback)

In one instant what forever means disappears. It's not just the grand future plan of weddigs, weekends at the beach, shopping for grandkids, arguing about politics - but also late night phone calls, shared jokes or cartoons, emails. In one instant Full stop. no slow down, no warning. full stop. You see a shirt she'd like. full stop. Oh, there are a bunch of her friends having lunch and laughing, how dare they! full stop. You turn the corner of the grocery store and see her hair swinging and start to yell to her. full stop. So many of our brain directions send us to our child, and every time we hit a wall it hurts...again, and again, and again. Then again, who wants to quit making those journeys, expecting those calls, letting litle bits of them go until the memories are gone. It's a delicate and painful life we lead.

This book helped immensely. It wasn't "just" academic or "just" stories, but melded the two in a really helpful way; knowing that there isn't one RIGHT way to do live on and trying to accept that forever is forever changed, but that doesn't have to be the end of memory and even joy and laughter at times. It's still hard, this helps a little.

The only other really good book I used was A Grief Observed by CS Lewis. It just spoke to me for some reason.

Blessings and prayers to all who have the misfortune to need this book.