201 of 206 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Simple but not simplistic., June 27, 2003
This review is from: Forgive for Good (Paperback)
I bought three books on forgiveness and returned the other two.
The people I needed to forgive ranged from my father for demanding to know why I "didn't get an A+" on a math exam for which I had ONLY received an A, as well as for not protecting me from the prying eyes of my younger brother as I was maturing into a woman, to the murderer of my roommate as well as his defense attorney the latter worked real hard at (and basically succeeded in) rattling my cage by showing me gruesome crime scene and autopsy photos of my beaten and strangled friend while I testified at the trial.
I can and will explain my reasons for keeping this book and returning the others in two ways.
THE TOUCHY-FEELY REASON
While reading this book (Forgive For Good) I felt understood, hopeful, calm, and, most important, forgiving, whereas when reading the other two books I quickly became bored and frustrated and had to work hard just to get through them.
THE RATIONAL REASONS
a.
Forgive For Good, contrary to what some other customer reviewers have said, accepted right on page one that I had something to forgive and it immediately granted me "personal power" on a silver platter so I could proceed with the forgiving. Conversely, the other books were similar to most psychological self-help books I've read that focus the vast majority of their pages to figuring out whether or not I had really been a victim and just who was to blame for my problems and emphasised the probability that I would need outside help for years to do so.
The first "step" in all three books is having someone validate our pain. In Forgive For Good, however, the author himself or the reader can do this and it is not a given that years of costly psychoanalysis is necessary just to get to this point. But, the other books were written seemingly with the expectation that people are so confused and ignorant of their own feelings that everyone needs professional help for years just to get to the point of being able to address the need to forgive. In fact, one of the books ENDS with warnings about how long the whole process will take and bluntly states that even after following every step in the extremely intensive process delineated in the book it can take years to feel better AFTER HAVING FORGIVEN. As I've already mentioned above, just reading Dr. Luskin's book gave me peace of mind and the ability to forgive.
b.
Yes, Dr. Luskin does point out that my pain is directly related to my pre-existing expectations about what other people "should" say/do to me. And he does so in a very direct way. And, yes, sometimes this can be very hard to accept, or maybe even understand.
And, believe it or not, any other truthful book about forgiveness, as well as your psychoanalyst, actually says the same thing - eventually.
They won't tell you that you are to blame for your pain or that you should merely not feel it, but to get to the point where you can forgive and not be hurt anymore (or again) you must recognize your own power to change your own feelings, expectations, and behavior. Nobody else can change any of these things. You are a free human being. So is the person who did whatever hurt you.
Dr. Luskin merely starts where everyone else is going.
c.
The case studies in Dr. Luskin's book are followed all through the book and are NOT composites. They are real people who really participated in his studies and you can read how EVERY STEP of the process impacted each person, sometimes dramatically differently than other people.
Case studies in the other books, as in most other similar books, were composites. I say call them what they really are, fictional characters with histories made up by the authors. Composities are people who have never existed, never really had the histories the authors postulate, and don't prove a darn thing about the author's theories. They are, in sum, worthless.
d.
Dr. Luskin writes very, very well. He reiterates and reminds. He uses the same phraseology for concepts all through the books instead of trying to come up with as many synonyms as possible to sound literate.
In sum, this is THE BOOK you want to buy if you truly want to learn to forgive the painful experiences of your life. BAR NONE.
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22 of 23 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Excellent book for letting go of long-standing grievances, March 10, 2002
By A Customer
I found this book accidentally, while I was searching for something else. I'm extremely glad that I read it, though, because I really needed to let go of grievances that have been ruining my life. The book provides logical, well-supported arguments for why and how you should forgive people and institutions that have caused you pain.
My one criticism of this book is that it's too long-winded. A good editor could cut this book down to half its length without losing any substantial content. Less is more.
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