Forgive for Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship [Paperback]

Frederic Luskin (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 27, 2009

Finding the love of your life and holding onto that relationship is more difficult than ever. The problem hasn't gone unnoticed. From relationship therapists to speed-dating, self-help books to online matchmaking, an entire industry has developed to help us navigate the bumpy road of relationships. Yet in spite of the availability of all these resources, many of us still struggle to discover and keep the love of our lives. That is, until now.

This groundbreaking book from the frontiers of psychology offers startling new research about the one missing factor that is vital to relationships—forgiveness. A national bestselling author and leading expert on forgiveness, Dr. Fred Luskin shows that no matter how much two people may love each other, their relationship will not succeed unless they practice forgiveness—an approach that most relationship experts continue to ignore.

Why is forgiveness an essential tool for relationships? Studies reveal that 70 percent for what we argue about at the beginning of our relationships will never be fully resolved. In other words, our basic needs and behaviors don't change over time. The issues are endless: the socks that always end up on the floor, how often to have sex, the ESPN obsession, working hours, and, of course, friends and family. Without forgiveness, these issues, however big or small, too easily turn into relationship-eroding grudges.

Forgive for Love is the solution for your relationship woes, providing the tools you need to find and hold onto the love of your life. Dr. Luskin delivers a proven seven-step program for creating and maintaining loving and lasting relationships, teaching easy-to-learn forgiveness skills that will not only resolve immediate conflicts but improve the overall happiness and longevity of your relationships. Simply put: people in healthy relationships figure out how to forgive their partners for being themselves. They do so because it is nearly impossible to change other people and because none of us are perfect. Forgiveness is the key, and Forgive for Love has the answers.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Luskin (Forgive for Good) approaches the matter of couples' harmony by pinpointing forgiveness as the secret to a relationship's longevity. He defines forgiveness as letting go of anger and despair when your partner doesn't do what you want, yet in one example he does suggest ending a totally unsatisfactory relationship. Still, Luskin's steps toward full forgiveness eventually begin to make a lot of sense once the author reminds readers that they made the choice to be with the person they're with, and that their partner is flawed and so are they. Luskin's advice and case histories draw heavily on his own studies at the Stanford Forgiveness Project, which he directs. But since his notion of forgiveness includes such steps as acceptance of a partner's imperfections, recognizing the love he or she gives and committing to the relationship, forgiveness seems like a catch-all term for the same advice many other relationship experts offer. (Jan.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

“Luskin has brilliantly combined science, psychology and plain ol’ common sense to show us how to...love again.” (Rhonda Britten, bestselling author of Fearless Living and Founder of the Fearless Living Institute )

“No-nonsense writing and numerous lists provide accessibility and achievability.” (Library Journal )

“…The secret to lifelong love. Learning how to forgive may be the most important skill for a loving and lasting relationship.” (Redbook )

“Dr. Luskin provides the necessary insight to not only forgive your partner but motivate you as well.” (John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus )

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 240 pages
• Publisher: HarperOne; Reprint edition (January 27, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0061234958
• ISBN-13: 978-0061234958
• Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.3 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (9 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #348,432 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Fred Luskin, Ph.D. is the author of Forgive for Good and Forgive for Love and one of the world's leading researchers and teachers on the subject of forgiveness. He is the director of the Stanford Forgiveness Projects, a series of research projects that investigate his forgiveness methods. He holds an appointment as a Senior Consultant in Health Promotion at Stanford and is a Professor of Clinical Psychology at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology. He lives in Palo Alto, California.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

25 of 26 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Forgive for Love, January 9, 2008

By 

Daniel T. Bryant (Campbell, CA) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Forgive for Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship (Hardcover)

I have just completed my first reading of "Forgive for Love" by Dr. Fred Luskin. This will be a book I read again and again. The book discusses the core need for forgiveness as an integral part of every healthy relationship. This subject matter is long overdue and Dr. Luskin's analysis and conclusions about the material are well thought out and well articulated.
I valued this book because it provided a solid and previously missing foundation for so many other relationship and communication books. I teach Couple Communications and often find `self help' and `how to' guides to relationship to be hollow and unfulfilling. . I believe many of these self help books will have more value with this text as a foundation.
Dr. Luskin's detailed analysis of who the individuals in a relationship are and how they error in their interactions; provides the groundwork necessary to make his exercises both meaningful and the resulting changes more probable.
Despite the available information to the contrary; fairy tale expectations still flood the arena of relationships. "Forgive for Love" dispels these false foundational expectations with a refreshing and realistic appraisal of the human condition as flawed; practical and tested training to deal with this reality; and a resultant mind set conducive to meaningful relationship.
While I would recommend this book to couples in troubled relationships; I would suggest that individuals not wait. This book belongs in the hands of anyone old enough to be in a relationship and should be on the gift list for all weddings and wedding showers.

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Very Powerful! (But Not Without Flaws), August 14, 2010

By 

N. Hyde - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Forgive for Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship (Paperback)

This is one of the very best self-help books I've encountered because it teaches simple, powerful, broadly applicable and very effective techniques. I'm nearly 40, and I've been aware for more than 20 years that I have a very negative internal voice that's hard on me and other people, that I overreact to things, dwell on the past, and hold grudges. However, until now, none of the many books I've read really helped me with that. I learned to try to ignore the voice and sometimes argue with it, but it didn't really strike at the root of the problem. Finally, I found the right book to really help. The ideas in it are applicable not only to interactions with your spouse, but also to interactions with your children, friends, and strangers on the street, and dealing with bad luck that befalls you. It also has a separate chapter on how to forgive yourself for past mistakes.

Some of the powerful ideas in the book:
* As you learn to forgive more, you gain the power to control the degree of pain you feel when your partner is difficult. You do not gain control over your lover as much as you learn to control your emotional reactivity and your blood pressure.
* Everyone is flawed and makes mistakes. Every relationship will have challenges and be difficult at times.
* Blame is not the same as asking someone to change his behavior. Blame is giving someone responsibility for how hurt and angry you are. When you often feel bad, that gives the other person an enormous amount of power and makes you feel small and helpless.
* Take time each day to recognize the good qualities of the people around you and be grateful for all the things you have.
* Unenforceable rules are when you try to control something that is not in your power to control. Instead of saying to yourself that someone should or must do something or life should be fair, change it to "I wish that..." This is a great, easy way to deal with the negative internal voice! Suddenly, instead of feeling frustrated and victimized, I can focus on problem-solving to get what I want.
* The book explains the HEAL method, which helps you cope with deep hurts by framing them in terms of goals you had that you can continue to strive for in the future.
* The book contains several short meditations with deep breathing and holding onto a positive image. I haven't done them much but it seems like they could be helpful.

So, this is a powerful book and I urge you to read it. However, I gave it 5 stars rating because it's very effective, not because it's perfect. The book has many significant flaws which I found frustrating while reading and which I feel I must mention:
* The first four chapters are rambling and unfocused.
* The book is mostly page after page of text, rarely broken up with headings and bullets. No diagrams/graphics are used.
* There are many examples of specific couples, but they are mentioned briefly and in a somewhat judgmental way. I'd like to see more extended case studies.
* I would like to see more details about the grieving process.
* I'd like to see more specific examples of HEAL statements.
* I'd like to see a chapter on how to be assertive with your spouse and ask for changes. The book says you should do that (not just forgive and let things be), but it provides no specific examples.

8 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Forgive For Love, October 27, 2009

By 

James D. Pimentel (Placerville, CA) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Forgive for Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship (Paperback)

This is medicine for your marriage. Luskin's understanding of forgiveness is far more comprehensive and helpful than a standard diffinition. When applied and practiced by both spouses much progress and mutual happiness can result. Clear and insightful. None who read this book can remain anything but humble about their own contribution to marriage. When combined with Glasser's Choice Theory, any couple can rescue and build their marriage. This book is not just for couples. It is for anyone who believes that life has been stolen or hijacked from them. Luskin coaches that the person we become and the happiness we achieve comes primarily through our thinking and actions. Our happiness comes from the inside out not what most people believe. Most believe that their hurts and misery comes by the hands of others. Not so fast says Luskin. We control our reaction to external stimulus, positive our negative. By and large, all things being equal, we make our own happiness. Immensely helpful.