Customer Reviews

Forgive for Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship

5 star:		(7)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

I have just completed my first reading of "Forgive for Love" by Dr. Fred Luskin. This will be a book I read again and again. The book discusses the core need for forgiveness as an integral part of every healthy relationship. This subject matter is long overdue and Dr. Luskin's analysis and conclusions about the material are well thought out and well articulated.
I valued this book because it provided a solid and previously missing foundation for so many other relationship and communication books. I teach Couple Communications and often find `self help' and `how to' guides to relationship to be hollow and unfulfilling. . I believe many of these self help books will have more value with this text as a foundation.
Dr. Luskin's detailed analysis of who the individuals in a relationship are and how they error in their interactions; provides the groundwork necessary to make his exercises both meaningful and the resulting changes more probable.
Despite the available information to the contrary; fairy tale expectations still flood the arena of relationships. "Forgive for Love" dispels these false foundational expectations with a refreshing and realistic appraisal of the human condition as flawed; practical and tested training to deal with this reality; and a resultant mind set conducive to meaningful relationship.
While I would recommend this book to couples in troubled relationships; I would suggest that individuals not wait. This book belongs in the hands of anyone old enough to be in a relationship and should be on the gift list for all weddings and wedding showers.

This is one of the very best self-help books I've encountered because it teaches simple, powerful, broadly applicable and very effective techniques. I'm nearly 40, and I've been aware for more than 20 years that I have a very negative internal voice that's hard on me and other people, that I overreact to things, dwell on the past, and hold grudges. However, until now, none of the many books I've read really helped me with that. I learned to try to ignore the voice and sometimes argue with it, but it didn't really strike at the root of the problem. Finally, I found the right book to really help. The ideas in it are applicable not only to interactions with your spouse, but also to interactions with your children, friends, and strangers on the street, and dealing with bad luck that befalls you. It also has a separate chapter on how to forgive yourself for past mistakes.

Some of the powerful ideas in the book:
* As you learn to forgive more, you gain the power to control the degree of pain you feel when your partner is difficult. You do not gain control over your lover as much as you learn to control your emotional reactivity and your blood pressure.
* Everyone is flawed and makes mistakes. Every relationship will have challenges and be difficult at times.
* Blame is not the same as asking someone to change his behavior. Blame is giving someone responsibility for how hurt and angry you are. When you often feel bad, that gives the other person an enormous amount of power and makes you feel small and helpless.
* Take time each day to recognize the good qualities of the people around you and be grateful for all the things you have.
* Unenforceable rules are when you try to control something that is not in your power to control. Instead of saying to yourself that someone should or must do something or life should be fair, change it to "I wish that..." This is a great, easy way to deal with the negative internal voice! Suddenly, instead of feeling frustrated and victimized, I can focus on problem-solving to get what I want.
* The book explains the HEAL method, which helps you cope with deep hurts by framing them in terms of goals you had that you can continue to strive for in the future.
* The book contains several short meditations with deep breathing and holding onto a positive image. I haven't done them much but it seems like they could be helpful.

So, this is a powerful book and I urge you to read it. However, I gave it 5 stars rating because it's very effective, not because it's perfect. The book has many significant flaws which I found frustrating while reading and which I feel I must mention:
* The first four chapters are rambling and unfocused.
* The book is mostly page after page of text, rarely broken up with headings and bullets. No diagrams/graphics are used.
* There are many examples of specific couples, but they are mentioned briefly and in a somewhat judgmental way. I'd like to see more extended case studies.
* I would like to see more details about the grieving process.
* I'd like to see more specific examples of HEAL statements.
* I'd like to see a chapter on how to be assertive with your spouse and ask for changes. The book says you should do that (not just forgive and let things be), but it provides no specific examples.

This is medicine for your marriage. Luskin's understanding of forgiveness is far more comprehensive and helpful than a standard diffinition. When applied and practiced by both spouses much progress and mutual happiness can result. Clear and insightful. None who read this book can remain anything but humble about their own contribution to marriage. When combined with Glasser's Choice Theory, any couple can rescue and build their marriage. This book is not just for couples. It is for anyone who believes that life has been stolen or hijacked from them. Luskin coaches that the person we become and the happiness we achieve comes primarily through our thinking and actions. Our happiness comes from the inside out not what most people believe. Most believe that their hurts and misery comes by the hands of others. Not so fast says Luskin. We control our reaction to external stimulus, positive our negative. By and large, all things being equal, we make our own happiness. Immensely helpful.

This book has revolutionized my young marriage. Luskin is a scientist and psychologist but the principles he teaches are ancient. The way he conveys them, with practical tools for applying forgiveness, are priceless.

An excellent book, a must read for any married person. It will definitely improve the quality of your marriage and your life.

Laskin's book is a very useful read in the endeavor to come to grips with the feelings around betrayal and emotional injury: full of accessible wisdom and compassion.

The book tells you that you have chosen this partner for some reason, now make the best of it!
Don't focus on her/his flaws, because you're not perfect yourself. Accept!
Look the to good points of your partner and enjoy them, try to understand why your partner is doing all those nasty things to you by talking to him/her and understand her/him better.
Don't try to change what you cannot change but learn to live with it and sometimes cry about it all by yourself. This is for the biggest part a lonesome exercise to save your relationship by becoming not only sadder but wiser as well. Summary: the book tells you that relationship is about having your cake and accepting that sometimes ( or often) you can not eat it.

Okay, this is not unwise stuff: - accept or leave, don't nag! - but it has not so much to do with forgiving. Real forgiveness is an important proces between partners who both know : this is about Forgiveness for a real wrong! This is a process in which two people are deeply involved: the one who askes for and the one who gives Forgiveness. This may be sometimes very nessecary in a relationship- this book does not tell you how to do that!

I doubt if this book is the real ingredient that will save marriages. If your's in trouble I myself think: look for a therapist, trained in 'emotionally focused therapy', which did a lot for us.

Gerard Kind
Amsterdam
The Netherlands

I found this book extremely insightful and helpful. I think most of the ideas could have been said in less words but the advice is practical and useable.

I read this book to help me get threw a really hard divorce. I got to tell ya, it really helped. It helped me to understand my situation a little more and to move past the regret and hate and on to forgiving so I could move on.