Perfectionism is not about doing our best. It’s not about the struggle for excellence, or the healthy striving for high goals.
Perfectionism is about believing that if we can just do something perfectly, other people will love and accept us—and if we can’t, we’ll never be good enough.
Perfectionism is a burden that takes a heavy toll. Personal relationships are strained. Intimacy is elusive. Work seems overwhelming. Creativity slows to a trickle. Physical exhaustion is common. Perfectionism is painful and debilitating—a no-win situation.
As parents, we influence our children’s emotional development. The bad news is, our own attitudes about love, acceptance, success, and failure can create an environment that promotes perfectionism.
The good news is, we can make positive changes that will enrich our children’s lives—and our own.
In this groundbreaking book, Tom Greenspon explains perfectionism, where it comes from (including influences outside the family), and what to do about it. He describes a healing process for transforming perfectionism into healthy living practices and self-acceptance.
If you think your child may be a perfectionist—if you’ve ever wondered if you’re a perfectionist—this book is for you.
“Using a practical approach that builds on empathy and a sense of acceptance, families can transform perfectionism into healthy living practices.”—Educational Dealer
“Well written and informative, without confusing jargon, I’d recommend this book to anyone who wonders if they, or a member of their family, suffer from perfectionism.”—Minnesota Council for the Gifted and Talented
Parents’ Choice® Approved Award Winner
National Parenting Publication Award (NAPPA) Parenting Resources Gold Award
About the Author
Thomas S. Greenspon, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. He earned his B.A. from Yale and his Ph.D. in psychology from the University of Illinois. Tom lectures and writes on a variety of topics including perfectionism and the emotional needs of gifted children and adults.
Thomas S. Greenspon, Ph.D., LP, LMFT P.O. Box 16325, Minneapolis, MN 55416-0325 952.929.1499 tsg@greensponassociates.com
Tom Greenspon is a Licensed Psychologist and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in private practice in Minneapolis. He earned a B.A. from Yale and a Ph.D. in psychology from the University of Illinois in 1968. After a postdoctoral fellowship at the University of Rochester, NY, he joined the faculty of the Medical Center at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, where he was involved in teaching, research, and counseling until moving to the Twin Cities in 1977. Tom lectures and writes on a variety of topics, including couples' and family relationships, and the emotional needs of gifted children and adults. He is a member of several professional organizations, he has authored a monograph on adolescent-adult relationships for the Unitarian Universalist Association, entitled Human Connections, and a number of his articles have appeared in professional journals. His first book, Freeing Our Families From Perfectionism, has won the National Parenting Publications Gold Award and a Parents' Choice Award. Tom is married to Barbara C. Greenspon, M.A., his partner in the private practice of psychotherapy with individuals, couples, and families. Over the years, they co-founded the Childbirth Education Association of Greater Birmingham, they were advisors to Unitarian Universalist youth groups on local and national levels, and they have co-taught courses on human sexuality. Both are certified as sexuality therapists and educators, and they are charter members of the North American Menopause Society. Tom was co-chair of the 2003 annual meeting of the American Psychological Association Division of Psychoanalysis and has served on the Board of that Division's Section on Couples and Families. Tom and Barbara are former co-presidents of the Minnesota Council for the Gifted and Talented and served on the Minnesota State Advisory Committee for Gifted. They are former program psychological consultants for the Concordia Language Villages. Tom is the recipient of the 1998 Minnesota Council for the Gifted and Talented Award for Distinguished Service to Gifted Individuals.
RECENT PUBLICATIONS: Greenspon, T.S. (2008). Making sense of error: A view of the origins and treatment of perfectionism. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 62, (3), 263-282. ---- (2007). Some further thoughts on perfectionism. Parenting for High Potential. December. 16-17. ---- (2007). Desire, vulnerability, and interweaving worlds of experience: An intersubjective systems sensibility in couples' therapy. Group, 31 (3), 153-170. ---- (2007) What to do when "good enough" isn't good enough: The real deal on perfectionism. Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing. ---- (2006) Test phobia, depression, and a core identity of giftedness: Jason's story. Counseling and Guidance Division Newsletter,2, (1) 1-2, National Association for Gifted Children. ---- (2006) Getting beyond perfectionism. Gifted Education Communicator, 37, (1), 30-33. ---- (2004). Being me and fitting in: The dilemma of giftedness. Duke Gifted Letter 4, (3) 1-2. ---- (2002) Freeing Our Families From Perfectionism. Minneapolis: Free Spirit Publishing. ---- (2000). Perfectionism: An Intersubjective View. Psa Today 3 (4) Psychoanalytic Foundation of Minnesota. ---- (2000). "Healthy perfectionism" is an oxymoron! Reflections on the psychology of perfectionism and the sociology of science. The Journal of Secondary Gifted Education, XI, 197-208. ---- (2000). The self experience of the gifted person: theory and definitions. Roeper Review, 22, 176-181. ---- (1998). The gifted self: Its role in development and emotional health. Roeper Review, 20, 162-167 Plucker, J.A., Robinson, N.M., Greenspon, T.S., Feldhusen, J.F., McCoach, D.B., and Subotnik, R.F. (2004). Its not how the pond makes you feel, but rather how high you can jump. American Psychologist, 59, (4), 268-269.
This review is from: Freeing Our Families From Perfectionism (Paperback)
This book defines the true meaning of perfectionism -- which is not what most people think it is. Before reading his book, I thought I had a pretty good understanding of the traits of a perfectionist, but now I realize I was off the mark. Greenspon educated and enlightened me in an easy-to-read, accessible way that opened my eyes to my own perfectionism, and helped me recognize ways to keep it from taking over my life.
It is clear from the beginning that Greenspon is writing from personal experience, as well as from his many years of counseling experience. His suggestions and reminders lead the readers to apply the information he provides in their own lives. He offers checklists, questions, and inventories to determine your own "hot spots" or those of your family members. There is a strong focus on working within the family to help one another and provide support. He offers different scenarios for discussion, varying according to age of children, and also offers resources for more information on most of the topics covered in the book.
Greenspon makes the important distinction that perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for high quality in all that you do. He also explains how perfectionists are more motivated by fear of failure than by desire for success. This is where I had an "a-ha!" moment, and the proverbial light-bulb went on in my head. As I read more, I was able to look at my own tendencies and those of the members of my family, and start to recognize the motivation or cause of our behaviors.
I recommend this book to anyone who thinks they know what perfectionism is, to anyone who wonders if they, or a member of their family, suffer from perfectionism, and to anyone who is just plain curious about why people do the things they do. It is a fairly short book which provides clear information without offering confusing technical definitions or jargon. It is interesting, well-written, and informative. I offer my thanks to Dr. Greenspon for a book which has helped me to better understand myself and others.
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This review is from: Freeing Our Families From Perfectionism (Paperback)
Dr Greenspon has really delivered! I was amazed at his accuracy and compassion about the problem of perfectionism. It's like he knew me personally. I'm much more compassionate about my child now and hope that the future will be bright for her. Thank you Dr G!!
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