Customer Reviews

Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

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I am a psychotherapist in private practice who specializes in working with clients who are going through or have experienced difficult and painful divorces and relationship break-ups. Many clients I see have unknowingly been married to or involved with an ex-partner who is a narcissist. These individuals not only experience confusion, rage, grief, and abandonment over the divorce or break-up but they often blame themselves for the failed relationship. When an individual marries or has a partner who is a narcissist, he or she simply cannot win. The narcissist suffers from an inability to be empathic and is often self-absorbed, personality traits that are difficult to change. The narcissist will not be able to recognize his/her own personality issues that contribute to a failed relationship.

In her clear and engaging book, Martinez-Lewi offers examples from her private practice that vividly bring the narcissist's destructive personality traits (deception, manipulation, ruthlessness, grandiosity, lack of empathy) to life. The reader will learn to empower herself/himself to view the divorce or break-up in a realistic way without personalizing it. Martinez-Lewi offers excellent strategies and tools for protecting ourselves from and handling the narcissist in a self-empowering way. I highly recommend this book to everyone. It is very helpful to those going through divorces and break-ups as well as individuals who are dealing with ex-spouses and ex-partners.

I recently broke up with the woman I was about to marry. We had been going together for a couple of years. Rosalie (that's the name I will use) was one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. I was attracted to her charm and fell in love with her right away. I knew quite soon that she could be temperamental and demanding but I was so taken with her that I ignored her character flaws. As we began to date more seriously, Rosalie became more critical of me and more demanding. I would catch her in lies all the time. I kept making excuses for her. She asked for a large sum of money to purchase a watch that she had been eyeing for a long time. I gave her the money and she promised to pay me back. She never did. I also found out that she was cheating on me with two other guys. Rosalie never thought about anyone but herself. She hurt me so many times with her extreme self absorption and her expecting me to be perfect. Even when I did everything she asked, it wasn't good enough. She'd scream at me and tell me I was a worthless idiot. Finally, she threw me away. I was so desperate, I didn't think I could live without her. I having been seeing a good psychotherapist. This helped me realize that Rosalie is a narcissist, that she suffers from a serious personality disorder. I have done a lot of work in therapy and am in the course of recovering from this loss. The therapist recommended that I read a book by Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi called "Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life". This book offers a clear analysis with many compelling examples of the narcissistic personality disorder. The author gave me a number of tools to use when dealing with narcissists. She described Rosalie perfectly. I really enjoyed the marvelous stories about famous narcissists like Pablo Picasso and Frank Lloyd. I highly recommmend this terrific book. It has helped me to heal and find more peace in my life.

I am just an ordinary person who now and then encounters someone who makes me want to run as far and fast as I can. We all know who this person is. If we're lucky we don't encounter them before we learn to walk but later on the playground, in school, in our relationships and jobs. The one we vigilantly look out for on the road, and love to watch self destruct in front of the media. This is the narcissist Lewi so aptly describes in her new book. The one who can hurt because he or she cannot feel pain in others.

Her book is a quick, highly instructive and enjoyable read. On a dark rainy afternoon I curled up with it in my favorite chair and immediately became absorbed. From the first chapter she makes clear most of us have a healthy dose of narcissism to boost our self worth to make us motivated and talented. The narcissist, she emphasizes, has a "severe personality disorder." With her peppery language and bottomless insight, Lewi takes us on a fascinating journey behind the mask of the narcissist. From their "bravado" to their "bottomless rage" to their "painful inner void." She shows us the famous and the not so famous. The cruelty and negligence of the brilliant Picasso, and Charlene with her "breathless litany of self."

How do we hold our own, asks Lewi? In the final chapter she takes an honest, straightforward look at our options and comes up with some surprising answers. I was heartened to know most of us are ill-equipped to deal with this kind of personality but that we can walk away with our dignity and sanity intact.

I highly recommend this very engrossing read.

Judith Kriss

Oh, the charm and the humor. The love of your life. The one who you call "Magic." Your soulmate, the one who you've spent "many" past lives with. The one that makes you dream and captivates your imagination. He is so wonderfully kind and polite to all those he meets. Yes, at times, he seems to have anger problems and disappears often without notice. The relationship seems lopsided, but he's busy yet still loves you. You've never met anyone in your life like him but interestingly, you've also never sacrificed more.

Your "unique" ability to understand and forgive him is the reason you stay; waiting for him to change to be an equal lover that never materializes. Captured in a dream, you learn to forgive him more and lose yourself, your goals, all to support him and his dreams. You remind him of your need for him to be honest to you although you remain alone at home, restless dreaming about him as he is often "out with friends."

You know "in your heart" that he is a good man and only needs a stable partner that won't leave him so that he grows to love you more. One day, he stops calling, you don't know where he is. You search frantically to find that he has a new lover and you are left with shock, confusion, sadness, and after the wake of despair, a huge financial loss somewhere.

As the author states, the gift that interaction with a narcissist brings is self understanding. Your own life's relationship patterns with others come bubbling to the surface. The relationship patterns that were established through interaction with your parents are ripe to finally be visible to you most clearly and time to be broken forever. If you've tolerated a narcissist in your life at close distance, it is because you have outmoded relationship patterns with others that need to change.

There is no book that will allow you to move forward faster in putting to rest your confusion over who your present or past lover is. As you turn the pages, you will identify with many of the qualities of your partner which you previously noted as "mildly" selfish, demanding, immature, unstable, full of rage, etc.

Chances are that you are a thoughtful and kind person who supported your narcissist partner in futile hopes of returned love for your sacrifices only one day to find that you have been replaced without a glance backwards. Some readers, are still hoping "your magic man" will return to you. You've probably bought books in order to understand your partner and "help" him grow. Narcissistic Personality Disorder has little probability of positive change however, you do. He told you "he won't grow up," but with this book, you will.

I would also like to highly recommend "Welcome to Your Crisis" by Laura Day, these two books in combination are perfect to read at the beginning stages of your "awakening." After all the pain, sadness, sorrow, feelings of being used, you walk away with a deep deep understanding of how you relate to people and how it's time for a change.

PS I am gay and we've got these self-absorbed loonies, losers, and parasites who are trapped in their own mirror too. Good luck.

A few years ago I ended a business partnership with an individual who turned out to be an excessively self-entitled, self-absorbed narcissist. He and I graduated from the same dental school. Stan (I'll call him) received the highest academic honors in dental school and was considered one of the best students during his professional training. He appeared to be very competent and seemed to have a gift for relating to people. His portfolio was impeccable. We put up the money for all of our equipment, the office lease, and personnel. At first, things went smoothly. After a few months I began to see a pattern in Stan that was troubling. He was contantly criticizing the staff, belittling them in front of others. I discovered that he was overcharging for the work he was doing and insisting that patients have expensive dental work that they didn't need. I tactfully called Stan on this and he became furious. A number of times he showed up late and expected me to pick up the slack. When I asked him about this behavior, he went ballistic as if it was my role to automatically take over for him. Finally, it became impossible to work with him. At the end, he insisted that he had paid for all of the equipment and tried to stiff me with this bill and payment of the lease. He ended up with more money than he was entitled to. Since that time I have formed a new dental group and it is doing well. There are no narcissists in this office. I have made sure of this. Don't get me wrong. There are many marvelous hard-working, brilliant dentists that are not narcissistic. After my experience with Stan, I studied narcissistic personalities and learned about their childhood origins, their psychodynamics (what makes them tick) and how to deal with them. I have recently read this excellent book on the narcissistic personality disorder by Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi. The case studies and vignettes from her clinical practice are invaluable. The author provides the reader with a variety of strategies he/she can use for identifying and handling them with great success. This is one of the best resources on this prevalent personality disorder of our time, the narcissist.

I just finished reading this thoughtful, well researched and insightful book on the narcissistic personality. I want to thank the author for all of the help she has given me. Recently, I finished going through a rough divorce from a very narcissistic woman. (Of course, narcissists are both male and female). Besides my very competent and savvy attorney and my friends and family, this book really got me through a nightmare. I was married to Deanna (that's the name I'll use) for five years. The marriage was really over in the first year. I kept telling myself that Deanna would change. In the beginning I was mesmerized by Deanna's charm, her bright intellect, her take-charge attitude and success in the world. There was such a powerful chemistry between us, I took a leap of faith and married her. Quite soon, I recognized that everything was about Deanna; she was a completely self-absorbed, perfectionist. When she made a mistake, Deanna blamed it on me. She frequently bawled me out over the slightest issues. I found out that Deanna had been cheating on me for some time with a couple of former boyfriends. When I confronted her, she said I was delusional and should see a therapist. Deanna lied with ease; it seemed like a natural part of her personality. Finally, I recognized that this was not a marriage; it was a charade and I was the one paying the emotional price. I found an excellent attorney and filed for divorce. Although the process was tumultuous, I know this was the right decision. With the support of my family and friends, I am finding an independence and strength I didn't realize I had. Dr. Martinez-Lewi's book helped me to understand the narcissistic personality and provided me with innumerable essential tools for dealing with them in my life. I highly recommend this book, especially if you suspect you are involved with a narcissistic man or woman.

Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life is a helpful book for all who find themselves entangled with narcissists. Linda Martinez-Lewi's vivid descriptions of clients and famous people with narcissistic personality disorders will educate the inexperienced and unsuspecting about the damage that narcissists can inflict on others. In my work as a physician, I have seen that this damage can be serious. The book will be especially helpful to the many people whose childhoods leave them vulnerable to finding validation as adults through admission to the "special circles" of narcissists, whether in marriage, work alliances, or spiritual cults. I will be recommending Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life to anyone who has been sucked into a narcissist's web, is being targeted by a narcissist's rage, or feels crazy with his own irresolvable rage after being spit out of a special circle.

It has taken me a long time to realize that my mother is a narcissistic personality. She is charming, bright, and socially gifted. I always wanted to be just like her. She understood how to excel in the world and was very successful in her professional life. I looked up to her, almost worshipped her. Allyson (I'll call her) always got what she wanted. She knew exactly how to manipulate my father. When my sister and I were young, mom insisted that we do everything her way. Allyson has a coldness that I can remember since I was a small child. I would beg her to comfort me when I felt miserable. She had great difficulty expressing any physical or emotional affection toward my sister and me. Allyson has never been able to put herself in my shoes. She is completely unempathic. Fortunately, my dad was a very warm, compassionate human being. Mom let me know that she had all the answers, made no mistakes and that she was constantly disappointed in me. I had some tough times psychologically because of Allyson's distant coldness, her brittle criticism, and lack of affection. As I grew older I recognized that my mother is a narcissistic personality. A friend of mine recommended this insightful and entertaining book about the narcissistic personality, his/her childhood origins, the grandiosity, the rage beneath the perfect public face. The author puts excellent tools for dealing with narcissists in your personal and professional lives in your hands. This book is invaluable, especially if you are dealing with a parent, spouse, ex-spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, family member or friend who you think is a narcissist.

I have been a psychotherapist for a number of years. Many of my clients come to therapy due to severe emotional pain in their personal relationships, particularly spouses and partners. A growing number of my clients are dealing with individuals who appear to have it all. They can be irresistible, vibrantly magnetic, and cleverly manipulative. Many of these spouses and partners (men and women) are narcissistic personalities. I hear stories from clients who have tried for many years to make these relationships with narcissists work. They tell stories of emotional abuse, deceit, coldness and frequent betrayals. In addition to my study of narcissistic personalities and clinical work, I find that there are a few excellent books on the subject that are accessible to everyone. This current book by Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi is a fine example of a clinician who assists the reader in identifying exactly how and why the narcissist operates the way he(she)does.She explains his tremendous self entitlement, ruthlessness and lack of empathy. The author presents many tools for handling the narcissist successfully, combining numerous clinical vignettes from her clinical practice. I highly recommend this book to all of my clients and to all of those who encounter narcissists in their lives. We walk in a world today where narcissists are handsomely rewarded. This book is a great contribution in helping us handle the narcissists around us with confidence and a healthy sense of self worth.

I didn't realize until a recent breakup that I have a pattern of moving from one narcissistic individual to another in my personal life. As I look back I remember my very charming, handsome father, whom I now know was very narcissistic. I always made excuses for him. When he was around, he gave me his selected attention. This was based on his seeing me as the perfect daughter. He left the family when I entered school and I only saw him a few more times during his life. I was always captivated by men who were in charge, had great confidence in themselves and who were very successful. These relationships appeared to be magical. There is nothing wrong with confident, successful people but the men I chose turned out to be very controlling, demanding, enraged, and duplicitous. In the end, it was always about them, not me. I have painfully learned to recognize the narcissist, male and female. In this book Dr. Martinez-Lewi provides a clear, in-depth full screen view of the narcissistic personality disorder and offers her readers excellent examples from her clinical practice and provides a number of very useful tools for dealing with the narcissist with great confidence.