Customer Reviews

Friend Like Henry

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

this book didn't start all that well for me, partly because I thought it was a novel, the writer's style is very matter of fact.

But the writer keeps her wit throughout this immensely difficult journey and it grows on you. This story was moving and funny. It also allowed bright lights to be shone on the difficulty of autism from the sufferer's perspective, the care giver's perspective. More than anything it reminded me that we should never give up on people, everyone has great potential.

The whole Gardner family and friends, you all are AMAZING.

My son has mild autism, and I can recognize in this account much of what we dealt with. We never went through the total lack of communication that the Gardners had to deal with, but I remember the terrible frustration both he and I felt when he couldn't tell me what he wanted, the sense that he was sometimes looking through me instead of at me, his indifference as to what adult took care of him, his unwillingness to get near other children, extreme pickiness in eating, throwing up at will, running around in circles, arm flapping, and so on.

Fortunately for us, there were educational resources made available to us from the time the autism was first suspected, even before it was agreed on as a diagnosis. Special ed, speech therapy, and a lot of patience from teachers and staff, have helped him to be successful in school - though hardly without problems on a regular basis as he has trouble coping with change.

I was surprised, based on the title of the book, that Henry wasn't even more central to the story. There are a few chapters that are all about Dale and Henry, but once the biggest breakthroughs are made, Henry fades into the background. I would have liked more focus on the boy-dog relationship.

I have to say that the one negative review, that talks about the mother spoiling the child, appears to be from someone who has no experience dealing on a daily basis with an autistic child. The usual ways to deal with misbehavior - timeouts, taking away toys, spanking in cases of deliberate defiance - assume the child's mind works the way more children's minds do. But the autistic mind DOES NOT work the same in a variety of ways. Autistic adults who have developed good communication skills tell what it's like, and there are some very basic kinds of understanding that we take for granted that children with autism only develop with a lot of help and effort.

I was surprised at the extreme amount of time and money that Nuala seemed willing to spend. Perhaps her husband's job paid well enough that money was not an issue. I certainly couldn't afford a lot of what they got for their kids. And while I understand and admire her devotion to her son and persistence in helping him, when she did that to the detriment of her own health I think that things are out of balance. She says very little about her relationship with her husband, but she makes it sound as though she devoted all her time and energy to her son, and I would have expected that there would be a severe strain on the marriage. Perhaps there was, and she chose not to share that.

Nuala does make it clear that she is not telling other parents how to care for autistic children, because every case is unique. As an account of how she dealt with it, it is fascinating and moving.

Awsome book!! I am a mother of 3 two of which have autism. I loved the book and could relate to most of the situations and struggles they as a family went through.

This book should be read with with blood pressure pills but except
that this is amazing story about fighting to have a normal life for your family.

What upsets me more than the boy Dale's autism is the way his mother mollycoddles him from the start, allowing his behaviour to rule the household. Gardner (who is a practicing nurse) never attempts any disciplinary action on him. She doesn't remove his toys, doesn't give him time-outs, watches while her son hurts other children in playgroup and just cringes when he throws a tantrum. She has the whole household walking on eggshells around him. So, she admits he turned into a monster child, but I think a lot of that developed because she let him run rampage. Sometimes she even rewards him with TV time. Instead of putting him in a cleared room to ride out his tantrums alone she straddles him to "protect" him staying with him throughout. But there are lots more over-protection and indulgences in the book, like when in the middle of family dinner Dale asks to go to the train museum (he's obssessed with trains) and they drive him there late in the night just so he'll understand it's closed.

Then instead of teaching Dale the importance of human relationships (he has scant affection for his parents; this doesn't change in the 17 year chronicle of his life in this book) she coerces him into connecting with the family pet and they "talk to him" through the dog. He won't talk to his parents except thru the dog. What a spolied brat they made him! He says I love you to the dog but not his own parents. Forget about please and thank yous, she even teaches Dale how to use swear words with his peers on the playground! And he does...Worst of all Gardner allows Dale (and even their 2nd autistic child) to call them by their first name rather than mum) whenever he wants.

In the end when Dale as a teen writes an account of his behaviour he often cites his parents as being irritating and making him fed up. He seems to have been trained to be a very self centered child who should be treated ultra specially because of his needs, and he too saw himself that way.

Luckily for Gardner her husband stuck with her even though she seemingly wanted to punish her son for not loving her by breaking up their marriage. She's a total head case and attempts suicide and then is actually offended that the health visitor is quizzing her to see if she'd be a threat to the kid. Surely a suicide attempt is a sign you possibly might be mentally unstable.

Gardner tries to help her son at the professional level and has some success but there is an "arms length" element to the whole approach. She herself didn't spend much floor-time with Dale as a baby, didn't try to read to him, or show him picture books. She used Disney Sing along CDs instead of singing to him. At times, I agreed with some of the health professionals who said she acted like she "wanted Dale to be autistic".