The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away [Hardcover]

Jenny Offill (Author), Elissa Schappell (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 17, 2005

Losing a friend can be as painful and as agonizing as a divorce or the end of a love affair, yet it is rarely written about or even discussed. THE FRIEND WHO GOT AWAY is the first book to address this near-universal experience, bringing together the brave, eloquent voices of writers like Francine Prose, Katie Roiphe, Dorothy Allison, Elizabeth Strout, Ann Hood, Diana Abu Jabar, Vivian Gornick, Helen Schulman, and many others. Some write of friends who have drifted away, others of sudden breakups that took them by surprise. Some even celebrate their liberation from unhealthy or destructive relationships. Yet at the heart of each story is the recognition of a loss that will never be forgotten.

From stories about friendships that dissolved when one person revealed a hidden self or moved into a different world, to tales of relationships sabotaged by competition, personal ambition, or careless indifference, THE FRIEND WHO GOT AWAY casts new light on the meaning and nature of women’s friendships. Katie Roiphe writes with regret about the period in her life when even close friends seemed expendable compared to men and sex. Mary Morris reveals how a loan led to the unraveling of a lifelong friendship. Vivian Gornick explores how intellectual differences eroded the bond between once inseparable companions. And two contributors, once best friends, tell both sides of the story that led to their painful breakup.

Written especially for this anthology and touched with humor, sadness, and sometimes anger, these extraordinary pieces simultaneously evoke the uniqueness of each situation and illuminate the universal emotions evoked by the loss of a friend.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

The reasons are myriad: one friend slept with the other's boyfriend; money caused an argument; friends became romantically involved with each other; lives and priorities changed; a bond simply "unraveled." For the women who contribute to this thoughtful anthology, the end of friendship--no matter its cause--is often distressing, and that feeling always lingers. Yet such a bleak subject has yielded a trove of mostly inquisitive, mindful writing, a selection of very personal pieces about a painful and fairly universal experience. Some writers remember childhood friendships: Diana Abu Jaber recalls her trials as an expatriate kid in Jordan, torn between a playmate who spoke her language and another whose words she couldn't understand yet with whom she felt closer; Nicole Keeter writes of her connection with and later break from the only other black girl in her fifth-grade class. Others evoke friendships from college and adulthood, such as Heather Abel and PW Forecasts editor Emily Chenoweth, who, in separate essays, delve into the circumstances that led to their friendship and its demise. "For a long time... my love for Heather was a piece of glass in my heart; it hurt every time I moved," writes Chenoweth. Though often sad when read in succession, these pieces are deeply affecting. Montaigne said friendship "feeds the spirit"; the same applies to this engrossing collection.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

From Booklist

Editors Offill and Schappell offer ostensibly the first book on lost friendship between women: 20 accounts of bonds that faltered, snapped, or slowly disappeared. Some of them are torch songs; some express anguish on a par with that of divorce; some are sly, tongue-in-cheek explanations of "lifelong" friendship's tenure. "I do not believe in . . . Meaningful Talks, except when they relate to . . . hair or makeup," opines one woman. "Otherwise, confrontations, in my opinion, serve only to make the plaintiff feel better for making the other person feel bad. I hold those I am really fond of to a lower standard than I do other people." Another contributor, one of a trio of friends, finds that her three miscarriages ruined the mythical story ("that wildness of being the same") of the threesome's bond. By breaking the silence about failed friendship so literately, this book appeals to many more readers than just students of interpersonal psychology. Whitney Scott
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 320 pages
• Publisher: Doubleday; First Edition edition (May 17, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0385511868
• ISBN-13: 978-0385511865
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.2 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 3.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (32 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #916,922 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

74 of 76 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars "Do be my enemy for friendship's sake.", May 24, 2005

By 

Jana L. Perskie "ceruleana" (New York, NY USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (HALL OF FAME REVIEWER)    (TOP 500 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away (Hardcover)

I felt compelled to read "The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away" because I am a woman who once lost a best friend, and for some reason let her "get away." I have long felt a profound sense of sadness for the tremendous loss - the loss of so much closeness, the mutual trust, and the extraordinary intimacy of being able to confide almost anything in another person. In my lifetime, I have experienced the end of many relationships, some for expediency, others because paths diverged, and some, even for the best. Yet I will never forget this special women and all the wonderful conversations, thoughts and dreams we once shared - and now do not. Those who believe, in general, that romantic relationships are more intense than platonic friendships are in for a surprise. As I read the twenty essays included in this gem of a collection, some of them wonderful, others not, I was amazed at how many resonated with me and reminded me of various and diverse relationships I have had with women over the years. I was struck by the complexity of these friendships, and the variety of reasons they ended.

One friendship broke-up over a loan. Another, because men, sex and dates took priority over women friends. Others ended because of intellectual differences, competition, ambition, and betrayal. A few stories are devastating in nature, one involves the loss of a child. Authors Heather Abel and Emily Chenoweth discuss their mutual college friendship, and its demise, in separate essays. "I've never had a friendship that was that intense," Chenoweth said in a recent interview. "It did make it volatile in the way that a love relationship can be. But the thing is, lovers have a vocabulary for talking about the relationship. I'm not sure that exists for friends." Now, at age 33, both have reconciled.

Contributors Heather Abel, Diana Abu Jaber, Dorothy Allison, Nuar Alsadir, Kate Bernheimer, Emily Chenoweth, Jennifer Gilmore, Beverly Gologorsky, Vivian Gornick, Ann Hood, Nicole Keeter, Patricia Marx, Lydia Millet, Mary Morris, Francine Prose, Katie Roiphe, Helen Schulman, Elizabeth Strout, Emily White, share their well written, unique stories with the reader, which will inevitably evoke a multitude of feelings. Most affected me deeply.

William Blake wrote: "Thy friendship oft has made my heart to ache; do be my enemy for friendship's sake." Appropriate here, I think.
JANA

27 of 28 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Provoking and Intriguing--though Sad, June 1, 2005

By 

Bookreporter (New York, New York) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away (Hardcover)

It's happened to all of us: the friendship you thought would enrich your life forever ends because of death, disinterest, argument, man problems, loss of common interest, distance, illness, or inertia. While it's not at all surprising to hear of love lost, it is somehow startling and fascinating when friendship ends. That person who knew you like no other, to whom you confided all your dreams and secrets, is no longer in your life --- leaving an enormous and sometimes heartbreaking gap.

In this nonfiction anthology of essays, twenty well-known female writers tell their true tales of friendship lost. Two authors, once best friends, share separate perspectives of their parting.

I was delighted to discover names of authors I admire, including Ann Hood, whose "How I Lost Her" made me weep. Other standouts include the horribly disturbing "Flawless" by Lydia Millet (I'm not sure I can say I enjoyed it, but I'll be thinking about it for a very long time). "Want" by Nuar Alsadir, describing a friend who takes imitation to a distressing level, also intrigued and bothered me. The black-humored "Tenure" by Patricia Marx, in which the author wryly describes herself as "the most easygoing, accommodating, nonjudgmental, and unassuming friend in the world" was the one tale that made me laugh ruefully.

Curiously, Diana Abu-Jaber's "In-Betweens," telling of the author's childhood relationship with two boys, is the only story in the anthology describing a lost friendship with a male. I can't help but wonder why that is, and if it's representative.

The theme of friendship won and lost is universal and riveting; each story in this collection is sincere and regretful. Several tales struck a chord, reminding me of my own lost friends. Others fascinated me by telling of friendships unlike any I've encountered. However, as much as I enjoyed THE FRIEND WHO GOT AWAY, I couldn't help but notice that tale after tale of loss can make for a downbeat reading experience. Despite that minor quibble (easily solved by interspersing these stories with other, lighter reading), I definitely recommend this thought-provoking and intriguing anthology.

--- Reviewed by Terry Miller Shannon

28 of 32 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Don't let this excellent book 'get away' from your must read list, July 30, 2005

By 

Robin Orlowski "political activist" (United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away (Hardcover)

This book explains that loosing friends is a natural but painful part of a woman's life. Because I had inadvertently assumed myself and other people who did this somehow 'failed' at having friends, this book provided critical reassurance.

The end to a friendship can come suddenly, as in the result of a heated argument, or it can develop over time, like high school friends who move away from their hometown to attend college or school friends who move apart and 'forget' to write to each other. Even if nothing intentionally provokes the development, some things just cannot be sustained indefinitely. Letting go of a friendship which drifts away is much healthier than attempting to sustain it for appearances sake.

Because I have had several friendships end in my own lifetime, I appreciated the frank monologues inside this book. There was not anything which we could have done to save the friendship and a friendship's end does not mean that either one of us were bad people to another. It's just something that happens throughout life.

I sporadically still think about many of my former friends, and wonder if they also remember the good times which we had shared at a mutual point in our lives. However, I also recognize that because we are presently in different places-- both geographically and mentally--our friendship would not necessarily rekindle itself were we to again meet up. Even assuming that we would be able to work everything out, we would then have to start the relationship over.

I usually do not like self-help or advice books, but this book avoids nagging in favor of real answers to common problems. Plus, it does not blame the women whose friendships end.