Customer Reviews

The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away

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I felt compelled to read "The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away" because I am a woman who once lost a best friend, and for some reason let her "get away." I have long felt a profound sense of sadness for the tremendous loss - the loss of so much closeness, the mutual trust, and the extraordinary intimacy of being able to confide almost anything in another person. In my lifetime, I have experienced the end of many relationships, some for expediency, others because paths diverged, and some, even for the best. Yet I will never forget this special women and all the wonderful conversations, thoughts and dreams we once shared - and now do not. Those who believe, in general, that romantic relationships are more intense than platonic friendships are in for a surprise. As I read the twenty essays included in this gem of a collection, some of them wonderful, others not, I was amazed at how many resonated with me and reminded me of various and diverse relationships I have had with women over the years. I was struck by the complexity of these friendships, and the variety of reasons they ended.

One friendship broke-up over a loan. Another, because men, sex and dates took priority over women friends. Others ended because of intellectual differences, competition, ambition, and betrayal. A few stories are devastating in nature, one involves the loss of a child. Authors Heather Abel and Emily Chenoweth discuss their mutual college friendship, and its demise, in separate essays. "I've never had a friendship that was that intense," Chenoweth said in a recent interview. "It did make it volatile in the way that a love relationship can be. But the thing is, lovers have a vocabulary for talking about the relationship. I'm not sure that exists for friends." Now, at age 33, both have reconciled.

Contributors Heather Abel, Diana Abu Jaber, Dorothy Allison, Nuar Alsadir, Kate Bernheimer, Emily Chenoweth, Jennifer Gilmore, Beverly Gologorsky, Vivian Gornick, Ann Hood, Nicole Keeter, Patricia Marx, Lydia Millet, Mary Morris, Francine Prose, Katie Roiphe, Helen Schulman, Elizabeth Strout, Emily White, share their well written, unique stories with the reader, which will inevitably evoke a multitude of feelings. Most affected me deeply.

William Blake wrote: "Thy friendship oft has made my heart to ache; do be my enemy for friendship's sake." Appropriate here, I think.

JANA

It's happened to all of us: the friendship you thought would enrich your life forever ends because of death, disinterest, argument, man problems, loss of common interest, distance, illness, or inertia. While it's not at all surprising to hear of love lost, it is somehow startling and fascinating when friendship ends. That person who knew you like no other, to whom you confided all your dreams and secrets, is no longer in your life --- leaving an enormous and sometimes heartbreaking gap.

In this nonfiction anthology of essays, twenty well-known female writers tell their true tales of friendship lost. Two authors, once best friends, share separate perspectives of their parting.

I was delighted to discover names of authors I admire, including Ann Hood, whose "How I Lost Her" made me weep. Other standouts include the horribly disturbing "Flawless" by Lydia Millet (I'm not sure I can say I enjoyed it, but I'll be thinking about it for a very long time). "Want" by Nuar Alsadir, describing a friend who takes imitation to a distressing level, also intrigued and bothered me. The black-humored "Tenure" by Patricia Marx, in which the author wryly describes herself as "the most easygoing, accommodating, nonjudgmental, and unassuming friend in the world" was the one tale that made me laugh ruefully.

Curiously, Diana Abu-Jaber's "In-Betweens," telling of the author's childhood relationship with two boys, is the only story in the anthology describing a lost friendship with a male. I can't help but wonder why that is, and if it's representative.

The theme of friendship won and lost is universal and riveting; each story in this collection is sincere and regretful. Several tales struck a chord, reminding me of my own lost friends. Others fascinated me by telling of friendships unlike any I've encountered. However, as much as I enjoyed THE FRIEND WHO GOT AWAY, I couldn't help but notice that tale after tale of loss can make for a downbeat reading experience. Despite that minor quibble (easily solved by interspersing these stories with other, lighter reading), I definitely recommend this thought-provoking and intriguing anthology.

--- Reviewed by Terry Miller Shannon

This book explains that loosing friends is a natural but painful part of a woman's life. Because I had inadvertently assumed myself and other people who did this somehow 'failed' at having friends, this book provided critical reassurance.

The end to a friendship can come suddenly, as in the result of a heated argument, or it can develop over time, like high school friends who move away from their hometown to attend college or school friends who move apart and 'forget' to write to each other. Even if nothing intentionally provokes the development, some things just cannot be sustained indefinitely. Letting go of a friendship which drifts away is much healthier than attempting to sustain it for appearances sake.

Because I have had several friendships end in my own lifetime, I appreciated the frank monologues inside this book. There was not anything which we could have done to save the friendship and a friendship's end does not mean that either one of us were bad people to another. It's just something that happens throughout life.

I sporadically still think about many of my former friends, and wonder if they also remember the good times which we had shared at a mutual point in our lives. However, I also recognize that because we are presently in different places-- both geographically and mentally--our friendship would not necessarily rekindle itself were we to again meet up. Even assuming that we would be able to work everything out, we would then have to start the relationship over.

I usually do not like self-help or advice books, but this book avoids nagging in favor of real answers to common problems. Plus, it does not blame the women whose friendships end.

I wonder often if the authors of books like these realize at all how few people really live the lives they are writing about. By this I mean lives of art show openings, long intellectual conversations, shopping at small trendy boutiques for interesting clothes, traveling the world and having moments of revelations while watching exotic sunsets...I am not saying all these times are literally included here, but you get the picture! Most of the essays here seem much more written to show off the authors' Writer's Workshop prose than to really talk about lost friendships. I was eager to read this book as it's a big issue in many women's lives---friendship is such a vital part of our lives and lost friendships can be much like divorces, yet it's not often written about. A few of the essays did not disappoint, most notably the one by Ann Hood. I had thought of her so often since reading in the paper about the tragic loss of her daughter, and her lost friendship in the aftermath of that tragedy is so affecting to read about. A few other essays were wonderful, mainly the ones written about childhood friendships, such as the one by Nicole Keeter. But almost all the rest were nothing that I could relate to at all. I think the editors could have looked for a little more divesity---do no blue collar women lose friends? Do very few women with children lose friends? Do those in rural areas lose friends? Do those who, heaven forbid, write with styles not honed in writers workshops lose friends?

Overall, a good idea marred by the choices of essays and authors.

Twenty women share their personal accounts of friendships that ended, sometimes by choice, other times by distance, death, money or men. There are stories of regret and others of relief. Most interestingly, two writers who used to be best friends each detail the beginning and demise of their relationship from their own perspectives ("Emily", by Heather Abel, and "Heather", by Emily Chenoweth). There isn't a woman alive (or man, for that matter) who hasn't been in the same situation; for whatever reason, a friendship ends. In our society, which is usually exclusively concerned with the drama and importance of romantic and familial relationships, we don't give much thought to the weight of platonic friendships and there are no easy rules or platitudes upon which to base one's behavior or draw boundaries. The confusion and ambiguity that envelops such relationships is captured perfectly in the pages of this book. While it may be difficult to relate to the life circumstances of all the authors (most are upper-middle class white women with Ivy League educations), the emotions that arise from the death of their friendships are not. Only a few essays contained viewpoints with which I had difficulty empathizing. Overall, this book tackles a subject that is universal but is usually relegated to the backs of our minds, not widely discussed. Highly recommended!

I read this book as a comfort. To realize that others have gone through this too. Having a friend that knows everything about you, helps you make life changing decisions, lends a hand as you climb out of situations, grieves with you, smile and laughs with you - those are the friends that make your life content. It is always nice to share all the little tidbits of your day, your thoughts with someone who won't judge you, someone who encourages you, someone who knows you when the barriers come down. Friends can be so amazing but once someone is that close - sometimes you find yourself at a stage where you just can't be their everything. And they can't be everything you want/need. As your life grows, it alters your personality and responsibilities, your priorities and your time gets divided into smaller available sections. If the friendship isn't flexible enough to reinvents itself through those changing times - it can break. Losing a friend that is that close is really like losing a part of you. They were your conscience, they were your diary - your sounding board. You confided in them a variety of topics probably more than anyone else. When they are gone - a part of you is lost. I was hoping this book would help me figure out a way to either find myself again - or to maybe shed some light on how I might possibily rebuild my fractured friendship.

I picked up this book because of the intriguing title and cover. As a close observer of adolescent girls and their friendships, the stories of adult women and the "what happens after" drew me in. I also wondered if the friendships discussed were fractured by the same relationally aggressive behaviors I see regularly in teens. Not much had changed. Jealousy, exclusion, gossip, and, in paricular, competition over a man (who goes blameless) seems capable of driving a wedge between women across the decades. Still, the sense of sad longing for something treasured and lost renews my belief that making a friendship work is worth it.

My book club just read this anthology and it was a huge hit, one of the few books we've read that everyone liked. The essays are very moving and cover a whole range of friendship breakups. The interesting thing was we all identified with different stories which led to a good discussion about our own lost friends. I'm glad someone finally decided to write about this topic. Every women I know has at least one ex-friend lurking in their past. This book helped us to figure out why such things happen and maybe even how to avoid it in the future!

The best collection of objectively written yet heartfelt stories written by intelligent people. It's about women's secret, unspeakable competitiveness and inability to be truthful and/or tactful enough to stay friends.

I was struck by how nuanced and complicated women's friendships are: helped me see my own failed friendships under the light of inevitability, blamelessness, and hopelessness.

Most of the essays deal head on with the ugliness of competition, and not in a Glamor magazine type of glib way, but in a helpful, analytical yet readable way.

The topic of the book's collection of essays was especially relevant and important to me personally, having had a few friendships break up over the years. I loved all of the various perspectives from each essay writer from their personal filter of the series of events and issues that contirbuted to the demise of a friendship. I loved the fact that the essays covered a wide range of issues between friends (death, marriage, divorce, money, distance, careers etc.) and representative of various life stages in women's lives (school-aged, teenagers, young adults, 20-something, 30-something and beyond). This book captures the emotionally charged, intense and often complicated relationships that women have with one another. A very worthwhile read for anyone who has been puzzled by a friendship gone awry for one reason or another. Really terrific book, well-written, well-organized and well-conceived.