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Friendlationships: From Like, to Like Like, to Love in Your Twenties

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Dozens of books promise help for guy/girl relationships. Why should you look at yet another?

You're in your twenties. You're not married or engaged. You don't belong to either extreme: dating without a thought to the future or not speaking to a guy unless you're courting. You don't want a book for teens or one that drones on about the benefits of being "single and satisfied." But the number one reason you should look at this book is if you have a crush on a friend or a friend has a crush on you.

Why? Because no other book seems willing to tackle that delicate, nerve-wracking dance from friendship to relationship. While the discussion of "friendlationships" only takes up two chapters rather than the entire book, much is covered, though you'll probably wish Jeff Taylor dived a little deeper.

The rest of the book is also well worth reading, despite including several issues taught in other books on Christian dating: boundaries, sex, define the relationship talks. Jeff offers fresh insights on being single in a couples culture, asking pointed questions like, "Do you come to church to worship God or to meet people of the opposite sex?" and advising dating couples not to ignore or look down on their single friends. Another chapter discusses what to do if you like someone who is already in a relationship, or if you are the one already in a relationship. Often overlooked topics like emotional baggage, long-distance relationships, and gender roles are brought up as well.

The whipped topping and cherry of the book come with the two appendixes: The Actual Female Survey and The Real Man Survey. Jeff asked 50 guys and 50 girls insightful questions about dating, from age preferences to qualities they avoid in the opposite sex. Some of the answers are given as demographic percentages; others give the participants' essay-like responses.

Friendlationships covers a lot of ground in a fairly quick read, which was my only frustration with the book. I kept wishing the author would go deeper, expound more on vital topics. Beyond that, the book excels in every area - reader friendly format, on-target examples from the author's life and current media, Scriptural principles, and practical applications. The cover says it all - this is the handbook for twentysomethings while they go from shaking hands to holding hands. -- Katie Hart, Christian Book Previews.com

Friendlationships by Jeff Taylor is a very quick read. I actually read through most of the book (I skipped over a lot of the F.A.Q.s chapter) in less than two hours. It's a good book to keep on your bookshelf, and I definitely recommend it for a college and post-college age group (I am in the latter, just recently). As for older adults, it can be valuable but maybe not enough. Even for me, I look forward to reading a few other books in this genre before feeling adequately educated on this subject. It's a very helpful book if you like a friend of yours, but aren't sure whether he or she likes you back. He takes a concept most people write off as sophomoric and validates the very adult reality of relationships. I recommend this to Christian adult singles as well as those in dating relationships. If you have ever considered courtship, this is a good book to keep around. Hope that helps you make a decision!

I was excited to order this book based on the positive reviews. And for the first nine chapters, I was pretty much on board. Taylor comes across as likeable and knowledgeable, and he gives a lot of good advice about all of the awkward social dances that surround dating in college and the following years. He tries to address both women and men, and generally succeeds, though he occasionally speaks from a point of view that seemed very "guy-minded" to me. Not in a sexist way, but more of a being-a-guy way (it would have been interesting if he'd co-written the book with a woman).

All of that changed in Chapter 9, which is titled "Chivalry or Chauvinism?". Gender roles are always tricky to negotiate, and it might have been better if Taylor had avoided the topic altogether instead of trying to cover it in one short chapter. Instead, the chapter contains several passages that made me want to stop reading because they went beyond the kind of one-sidedness that I could forgive in a male writer. As an example, consider the way Taylor employs and interprets an idea borrowed from John Piper about the man as spiritual leader over his wife:

"In What's the Difference, John Piper discusses a very effective rule about being a spiritual leader. He says that the man, as the leader, has the final say in any and all situations (unless he is acting sinfully) but will and should often give up what he wants in situations where sin is not present so that his wife can have her preference. This may not sound fair, guys, but it is all about making her happy and making her feel important" (p.119).

I'll try to refrain from using sarcasm here. But he thinks this may not sound fair to the GUYS? I do not want a husband who exercises supreme authority in "any and all situations" and deigns to let me make choices just to make me "feel important." Whatever happened to compromise? Taylor backtracks later and makes it clear that he isn't a chauvinist, but the damage was done, and this was not the only passage that I found offensive.

As to The Actual Female Survey and The Real Man Survey extolled by another review, both are highly unscientific surveys of only 50 subjects each...and 68-78% of the respondents are from Texas. As a statistics student, I would hesitate to draw any conclusion about such a limited pool of data. But just for fun, the survey answers are printed in the back of the book. For every answer to the question "Should the guy always ask the girl out? Explain." that gave me hope, there were at least two (from both men and women) that made me weep for the future.

At first, it was necessary to repeat the word "Friendlationships" a hundred times over the course of a few eventful months, before the word began to make any sense. It still stumbles in the mouth like a compound German word; I tried to tell my dentist about the book and had to give up.

Love is one of those scary things to even try to define. It's a huge topic to write about. Finding your soulmate, if there is such a thing, is something like scooping up a single teardrop out of the Pacific Ocean. If it happens to you, surely you must have done something right, to invite such a blessing into your life. Among other things, love is an education, possibly lifelong, in the cultivation of another person's friendship and respect, by earning it.

Please read this book, if you'd like to know how to be a good person who (of course; you're young, loose, and ...) wants to score in every way possible, and who is willing (if at all humanly possible) to wait for intimacy, until friendship has established a good basis for it. Also, if you're curious about how different in aspect and view your oppositely gendered potential new friend is, especially from your boring old self, this book will help you understand one billionth-part of the mystery of women. It is a plain fact, historical, obvious, and visible, that all women understand most men better than most men understand any woman.

Is God watching how you comport yourself in your search for romantic love during these interesting times? Heh. When you get to be my age, with the answer hammered into you a few times by the fist of daily life, then you can tell me. In the meantime, sit down, young Sherlock, ease back on the testosterone challenge-throttle a few notches, and read this book to tatters. This topic is not a matter of blind luck. No, reading this book won't tell you how to get to third base. But it will help you find out that the point of love is far, far past even home plate, and certainly a lot wider in scope than you can imagine, but worth every inch of the search ... until, as, and if you find it. If you're lucky. So, in that broader sense, this book will tell you how to get lucky, and even luckier in due course. No, love is not about luck; that's gambling and combat you're thinking of. Put it this way: out of nearly seven billion humans, you're searching for one in particular? Son, honestly, you NEED divine intervention for a task like that. The whole world will encourage you to set your sights a little lower and do it with everybody every chance you get, twice if possible, like extra lives in a video game. Listen to Jeff Taylors, lad; the process of dating is important. Because getting hurt in love makes a skateboard crash-and-burn feel like a light massage with headphones. Love is far less safe than skateboarding. Study the subject, FGS.

Reading this book made Robert Frost's poem, "What Fifty Said," even more poignant. The young generation has several impossible tasks ahead of them, not least the establishment of world peace forever, and learning about love is harder yet. At 55, I don't envy them, but do wish them well. They have social skills, knowledge, and interpersonal nuances of instant bonding that are light-years ahead of what Boomers had, when we were young and addled in the Pleistocene. The dance of dating has come a long way, but the basic steps are still there.

(It would be interesting to meet this Jeff Taylor, perhaps at the same time as a meeting with a third Jeff Taylor, who wrote a good book about the Democratic Party. My books are about tools. Hence the confusion when you search the name, which is a common one. There's a Jeff Taylor who was a Moscow correspondent, so he's probably a fourth and different JT.)

This is a pretty good book with lots of practicle advice for poeple in relationships or poeple that like a friend and dont know what to do. I recomend it.

Perfect book for those looking for answers to your dating questions! So much of our lives revolve around the relationships we have. And with so much interaction, you'd think we'd eventually get the hang of everything.... but we never really do. This book is an extremely insightful guide with personal stories included and alot of well-said Godly advice. I LOVE IT! It's a MUST read, for ANYONE currently dating, thinking about dating, tired of dating, wanting to date, or just confused about dating in general. YOU GOTTA GET IT! And when you do, tell your friends they have to get it too. It'll be some of the best money you ever spent... and it's not even alot of money, so what's the hold up - order this book! You will not regret it, and it's such an easy read, I truly believe you'll enjoy it.

Friendlationships is a vastly insightful and helpful book for twentysomethings going through relationship issues. This is a book that I highly recommend to all of the twentysomethings in our church and would recommend it to you if you are going through any relationship. Jeff Taylor brings it home with Friendlationships...plus, Friendlationships is such a cool made up word, I just want to sait it all day long. Friendlationships...Friendlationships...Friendlationships...-

sorry.

Keep up the good work and I'm looking forward to seeing more from Jeff in the near future.

Bo Lane

TeenRevolution.net