Customer Reviews

The Friends We Keep: A Woman's Quest for the Soul of Friendship

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This book was about - you guessed it - friends. But not just any friends - women and their friends. Why we need them, how we make them, how we keep them, and even why we lose them.

Each chapter shared some one's story that was relevant to the point that the author was trying to make. A lot of the stories I could relate to, or at the very least, knew someone who would fit in it. She explores a lot of the different sides to friendships, like the different ways we can love a friend, why we might need a particular friend - or why that friend might need us. What we get from a relationship - do we give or take from it? The book ends with how and why we need to be friends with our self.

The chapter I really like was titled "The Lesson of Lucy Van Pelt". I am sure that many of you remember Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip and what we are talking about here is gossip. This is something that I know I am guilty of and it is so easy to fall into gossiping about someone else. We can cover it up by making it look like we are really just "inquiring" because we are worried about someone or we try to cover up our gossip by "sugarcoating" it.

If you're not from the south, it goes something like this: "Since Anne Marie put on all that weight, she just looks poured into those pants. Someone needs to tell her those look terrible, bless her heart." Or, "Poor Donna Jo's husband has been cheating on her with his secretary, though I can't say I'm surprised. Men like women who cook for them, and she was always a dreadful cook, bless her heart." Add the word "little" and you can get away with saying even worse. "Shelby's wedding was sweet. Such a shame it will never last, bless her little heart." You get the idea. (The Friends We Keep, p44)


She ends this chapter with a story about a woman who had a casual friend that she had known for years. They weren't particularly close, and had really only kept in contact through mutual friends. When the woman was having a tough time in her life she was confiding her problems in only her close friends. This casual friend and her husband were at a dinner party when someone asked about how she was doing. This casual friend immediately jumped in and said that it was not appropriate for dinner conversation, and stopped any story telling that might have occurred. The woman relates "I felt a connection to her, instantly closer than I ever had in all the years I'd known her." (p48) This really touched me and made me take a closer look at things I may or may not have said over the years.

What if connection becomes greater by keeping secrets and sharing something personal to you rather than sharing what is personal to an absent other? What if power comes from empowering others rather than dominating them? What if friendship is cemented by rescuing a friend's reputation when it may be on the line? What if the glue that holds us together is discretion, no disclosure? (p48-49)




My thoughts: This book made me take a closer look at why I feel I don't have a lot of close friends. Even as a teen, I had just a handful of girls that I would call actually friends. I grew up in a small town, where we knew everybody - but I didn't feel like I fit in well with most of them. This feeling continued in college where I still only can recall 3-4 real girlfriends. It did make me see how I could benefit from having more friends, and that I should work on these relationships. Any thing worthwhile does take time. I was surprised by how many responses I have gotten on my give away for this book from women who said that they also did not have many friends, or had trouble making friends.

Friendship can be complicated, can't it? In "The Friends We Keep, A Woman's Quest for the Soul of Friendship," Sarah Zacharias Davis, explores some of the joys and difficulties of friendship. We love our friends and we need our friends, so why then do we get jealous or resentful of them? Broken friendships can often be more painful than even the breakups we've had with boyfriends. Some friendships are broken off suddenly, while others wilt away over time until there's nothing left. These are just some of the topics Davis explores as she attempts to navigate the often murky waters of friendship between women.

I did have some difficulty in reading this book, not because it isn't good - it is, but because it caused me to reflect on friendships I've had and still have. But I'm glad I read it, and I'm sure other women will also give thought to, and freshly appreciate their current friendships, and let go of those that have ended. There is a discussion guide included at the conclusion of the book.

The author, Sarah Zacharias Davis, writes charmingly about women's friendships, and says that friends are there to defend, laugh, comfort, give physical care and even give space to each other as needed, and that friendships also contain shadows.
Jealousy and being snippy can occur, often followed by forgiveness.
Friendships can slip away, and sometimes they are repaired, and sometimes they end. Some friends are only for some steps along the journey, and not for a life time.
The author quotes from my favorite author, C.S. Lewis and his book "The Four Loves", and explores some movies like Beaches and The Big Chill, which makes me want to revisit them.
Davis' book encourages me to look carefully at my friendships, strive to make them nurturing and continuing, and sometimes facing that we need to say goodbye to closeness that was treasured.

This book put into words so many things I had been thinking about friendships with women. It really explained a lot about why friendships between women are so different and perfectly described many of the challenges I have face in my own personal relationships. I found it very useful in helping me to understand how other women think and why they react the way they do. It also helped me to understand more about myself and how I can better understand my own needs in friendship.

Sarah Zacharias Davis' new book The Friends We Keep: A Woman's Quest For the Soul of Friendship (Waterbrook) is your local bookstore's best kept secret. If you're a woman and you have friends, then you need to read this book. Or if you're a woman who wants to be a good friend, you need to read this book. Perhaps you'd rather "hang with the boys," you still need to read this book. While Christian living books aimed at women can often derail with flowery metaphors and "tea party" talk, Davis does the very opposite--she emboldens women to pursue a lifetime of friendships. And, no, she doesn't get sappy.

The Friends We Keep is a well-researched and exceptional approach to what is going on with woman and their tumultuous relationships. Davis starts out by introducing four female archetypes--the Nurturing Friend (think Meg from "Little Women"), the Evil Queen (jealousy rules as she strives to make others feel inadequate), the Olympian (constantly competing to be the best), and Marie Barone (named after the mother from "Everybody Loves Raymond." Maries constantly undermine the innocent with passive aggression). After fleshing out these archetypes, Davis tackles one of the seedier aspects of womanhood--gossip.

For centuries, women shared information as a way to connect and create community, says Davis, but now, women also use it to gain power. She could easily shy away from her own involvement in gossip, jealous behavior, and other uncomfortable issues, yet Davis owns up to her own shortcomings, which allows the reader to be more honest about hers. At times, The Friends We Keep is painful to read due to its deep probing questions about motives, manipulation, jealousy, competition, and selfishness. If a reader allows it, this book can act as a catalyst for deep change in how she treats herself and others.

However, Davis doesn't leave readers in their pain. She then offers a look at the various types of friendships a woman may have in her lifetime using personal accounts from her life and the lives of others to share about childhood friends, sister friends, best friends, soul friends, unlikely friends, and friend groups. Using biblical examples such as Jesus and Peter's friendship as well as Naomi and Ruth's, Davis clearly keeps her focus biblical without overwhelming the reader with "too much Bible," so this book is a great read even for non-Christians. By no means does Davis water down her faith, instead she says that a deeper friendship with God leads to right relationships with others.

Her last chapter, which deals with the topic of friendship with self, is particularly interesting. Friendship with self is not narcissistic, explains Davis, but necessary for self-preservation and connectedness with God and self. She asks readers to examine their negative internal self-talk--messages such as "You are too fat. You are ugly. You aren't good enough"--and ask if they would really want to be friends with someone like that. Why, then, should we find it acceptable to say these things to ourselves? To be friends with self is also to extend the same mercy, kindness, and grace we give to others to ourselves.

Simply put--women, you need to read this book. The Friends We Keep by Sarah Zacharias Davis will change the way you interact with your gal pals and allow you to truly find the soul of friendship.

The Friends We Keep by Sarah Zacharias Davis was a book that took a look at the authors various friendships over the course of her life. From her own experiences she shares what it means to have friendship with others and how to find the friends we all need. I identified with a portion of the book where the author describes that we sometimes look for friendships where we can serve as the rescuer friend, the nurturer friend or the protector. I know when I feel needed in a relationship, I'm a lot more "present". I also find that some of the most special friendships I have are ones that really "nurture" me. Being a wife and mom, I think that is a large part of my life, and to have the tables turned and someone doing that for me is just so sweet. I mentioned to my next door neighbor that I have this silly thing I do each Easter which is look on the front porch for an Easter basket. I always had one as a kid growing up and Easter is probably my favorite holiday - being that bunnies are my favorite animal :). So a few years my hubby has gone the extra mile to surprise me with one, but I know it's not really something to expect. Well guess what was on my porch that Easter? A sweet little basket showed up on my porch this year and the next from the mysterious "Easter Bunny". That little gesture of love and remembrance stays with me all year. I hope to be that kind of friend who remembers the little details of someone's life and shares in celebrating friendship with them.

Another suggestion from the book - When worried about a friend, ask questions. Let them come to their own conclusions for their life. Don't cut off the relationship because you have some good "tips" or "suggestions". I find that I can never know what it feels like to be someone else, so even my best made plans for their life can be so counter to what God has in store. Sarah recommends that in our friendships we develop a community of acceptance and grace. Yeah!

(Reviewed by Shari Dolleman)

While Davis journals her quest to understand friendship among women, she asks a million questions. In the introduction, she says she will explore questions like: How do we love? How do we hurt and bring pain to others? How do we bear another's burdens? What texture do friendships bring to our lives? What about the friend who got away? What do we demand of our friendships? What do friendships require of us? Sounds great, but the book does not deliver on any answers to these questions. Davis analyzes movies, books, TV shows, stories shared by her friends, and a whopping two examples from the Bible. One analysis that stood out to me is how many pages she spends examining the friends in "Sex and the City". These women are hardly positive role models for anything. The back of the book promises that Davis will deliver wisdom for navigating the challenges of friendship like what it means to be safe in a relationship and how to embrace what a friend has to offer. But that kind of practical information is simply absent in the text. I was very disappointed in this book.

The Friends We Keep by Sarah Zacharias Davis is a fascinating look at the friendships women carry with them throughout their lives and a glimpse into why they are so important. Davis' book is a warm-hearted and enjoyable read that delves into questions about exactly what creates and maintains a friendship. Why are some friends with us for life and others only for a season? What purpose does friendship serve? She uses movies, books, and anthropology to explain what friendship looks like and how it changes from childhood to adulthood. The book is filled with poignant and beautiful stories about friendship and how it changes us. It's a book to enjoy and then share with your best friend!

This book has given me so much perspective on female friendship, especially in the bible perspective which I love. It's been helping me in many levels. The author is very insightful yet honest about her feelings and experiences that she had gone through. I just could not put the book down and wanting to know more what else does she know and think about the friends we keep...

The friendship between women is worlds different than the friendship between men. "The Friends We Keep: A Woman's Quest for the Soul of Friendship" is a discussion of the friendships of women and how their relationships are unique. So often women's friendships involve competition, where there's lot of unfriendly behavior, yet the women who have these rivalries end up friends for a lifetime. Examining this anomalies, author Sarah Zacharias Davis offers much food for thought for women and their friendships. "The Friends We Keep" is a worthwhile and highly recommended read.